Finding Sunshine

Random Updates

2012-01-27T16:57:00.002-05:00

I am still here. I think of something to write here almost everyday but life is not affording me much free time these days. I am sure that most would all agree that when we fall into times like these, we prioritize our agendas so that we can survive. Thank you or your grace in understanding why packing lunches for my children at night comes before writing on my blog.

There is some heavy stuff going on with our family right now so I would petition your prayers over us all. We are taking care of someone who is very dear to us that is very ill. That is all I will share for now. It has been a challenging situation overall for everyone involved but families pull together and stick by one another through Sunshine and rain, even the downpours.

To end on a happier note, I tried the new Chick-fil-A grilled chicken nuggets today and loved them! Yeah! I still prefer the original ones and will now experience the guilt factor of having a healthier option available for the times when the original nuggets take first choice. No Yeah!

I have a new word...grace. Do you?

I am enjoying warmer than average temperatures this winter. I am ready for spring and flip flops. The sooner the better.

I am tired.

I appreciate those comments left by so many wondering why I have stopped writing, if I am okay,and to just check in. Thanks. I do feel loved.

I AM doing my Valentine project for the Children's House again this year. More details to follow in the days to come but,for those of you who already know the drill, and would like to help, you now know what to do! :)

Have a super weekend.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

2012-01-02T18:43:00.002-05:00

Goodbye 2011! It was a bittersweet year. There were some really sweet memories and joyful moments this year for which I am ever so grateful. There was a time not too long ago when I seriously believed that I would never ever feel pure joy again in my lifetime. Fortunately I was very wrong.

I admire those who can dance. I on the other hand have two left feet. Maybe that's why this delicate dance of learning to feel joy and acknowledge pain all at the same time has been so difficult for me. Ha...if only it were that simple to explain.

Truth be told, I am learning. Painfully, tearfully, and stubbornly learning.

While there has been joy, there have also been some really tough times emotionally in 2011 too. Some life circumstances that I could see coming and prepare for, and some that I could not. While I thought I could prepare for some things that I knew would challenge me to my core, when they arrived, I felt 100% unprepared. Then I beat myself up for knowing what was to come and for not being in a better position to handle them the way I had wished to or had planned for.

Facts of the matter are that things have been very tough since this summer. You may have sensed this from my absence here on this blog. Too painful to write, too private, involving others now, and without their permission to share publicly, I have retreated to a very lonely place. One foot in front of the other has proven yet again, to get us to this point in time.

And so at this place, having arrived in 2012, it is my prayer that this be the year of grace and peace in my life. My soul so longs for peace and grace for the moments when it isn't. I think I have had an all or nothing approach to this dance of life. I can't shake the notion that we have been dealt some pretty nasty stuff. I long to be past the Old Maid card if you will, it has been in my hand far loo long. However, me being me, I do not wish to pass it along. I wish to bury this card instead.

So I welcome 2012 and all the possibilities that a new year can hold. Still trusting in the promise of our Lord that these places where grace is abounding in my life, will be redeemed beyond my wildest imagination. Not on my time of course, but on His. I pray this is a year of new life, new beginnings, good health, peace, joy, bright sunshine, and grace. I pray I can get out of my own way and to submit to Him fully and His will for my life,and most importantly for the ability to accept that of which is out of my control.

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

I wish you and yours a blessed New Year as well.

Because Of Winn Dixie

2011-11-25T20:05:00.002-05:00

Great Book
Great audio book
Touching story
Grab your tissues a hundred times story
Turns out to be a great movie too!

A favorite scene of mine, dare you ask?

Gloria: Listen... Opal... you cannot hold onto anything that wants to go. Do you understand what I'm sayin'? You just got to love it while you got it, and that's that.

That's that.

Oh So Grateful

2011-11-17T21:11:00.004-05:00

We are grateful for many things here in our house. It is that attitude of gratitude that I am desperately trying to hold onto in these more painful of calendar days.

As Sara Mclachlan writes in her song Full of Grace, I feel like I am sinking and I am clawing for solid ground, I am being pulled down by the undertow... The waves are beginning to roll in and I see bigger ones in the horizon to come.

I was telling hubby tonight just how tired I am. It is emotionally draining doing this battle with grief on a regular basis. This time of year is especially hard.

There is also a place in me that is full of grace. This is the grace that sustains me when I feel as though I cannot keep it together. Grace for the moment. There have been the moments that I feel undone and then also the moments where I experience tender grace and gain strength to keep going to a place of peace. Some of you reading this are those that have been nudged to send a little encouragement my way in various ways in recent days. Thank you for following that nudge. Thank you for the outpouring of love that you have shown to me and my family.

I am grateful. I don't know what we would do without you all, each and every one of you.

To end with sunshine, I'll share a few of our other grateful moments from our family to yours.

I am grateful for my teacher. She makes learning cool. I really like the plays and projects that she creates for us to do.

I am grateful that I feel better.

I am grateful for nostalgic visits back to the good ole college days.

I am grateful that I could remember good times in my life...

I am grateful for my family amidst the daily challenges, all we are, we are!

I am grateful for yummy dinners.

I am grateful for friends and family who take care of us when we are in need.

I am grateful for yummy homemade cakes.

I am grateful for a heartlines from RM who called today. It made my day to hear from him. Of course what perfect timing!

I am grateful for a warm bed to sleep in.

All in all we have much to be thankful for...still. This list is just was uttered by my nears and dears tonight. The list continues on a daily basis. It doesn't take long to see the blessings in life waiting to be unwrapped. Even in the midst of great trial, there is always grace and love, evidence of how dearly loved I am, we are, and YOU are by our heavenly father. Amen.

On Angel's Wings...Four

2011-11-15T18:48:00.005-05:00

Dearest Jeremy,

It is unimaginable to comprehend that you will be turning four this month. Four years old. Your mama couldn't be more proud of you and what your life represents to my little heart and beyond in this earthly world. Your mama heart also breaks when I think of all the things that just won't ever come to be in this lifetime here on earth.

I have been busy preparing for your birthday. It has been a difficult experience to describe. It pains me to buy things that would not normally be the case when one prepares for a four year old's birthday party but at the same time, it is the most healing way I know how, to experience this day, your birthday, in a healthy way. Tears stream down my face wishing for things to be different, but they aren't. All of the tears in the world won't change the fact that you are not here to share your birthday with me and your family in ways that I had imagined in a time once long ago.

The last few days have been so painful but I know your presence has been right by my side and for that I am most grateful. I have felt all the little ways that you have been a part of my day! Please forgive your mama for selfishly wanting more...Your daddy and I wonder about the things that would have been your favorites. What things would stand out as "Jeremy" in our family? This year, I wonder if it a blessing or a curse to really not know anything about you at all. I feel like I know the painful times of your life inside and out...and I am so desperate to know just the normal things that all mothers know about their children, the things that I didn't get the chance to learn about you. I want and I cannot have... How selfish of me. You are healed and happy where you are in heaven. I know if given the chance, that you would not choose to come to me here on this earth. That does comfort me...Imagining you happy is an amazing image, I only wish I could have experienced that here on earth with you. Good things come to those who wait.

I am at peace with the way that your birthday plans have been coming together. Having a plan for these really hard days, well that is half the battle.

Tissues have shown up in our earthy world twice today.Then again, you already knew that didn't you? Tears...and more tears...Remembrance and compassion. It sustains me when I am weak with the grief.

Sweet son, thank you for the love you have showed to your Mama on Angel's wings these last few days. I KNOW you are good, I just miss you with all that I am. My heart didn't miss a thing...Until we meet again, know that I love you forever and always.

Love,
Mommy

Gratitude

2011-11-03T18:22:00.000-04:00

I learned awhile back to fill the broken pieces of my heart with gratitude. If I just keep thinking about the many things that I am grateful for in my life, then maybe I would not have time to think so much about the hurtful things that dwell in my soul.

Now that November is upon us, I am looking forward to the gratitude tree that finds a happy space on our kitchen table. I have been keeping a gratitude journal for awhile now but I also love the tree and the focus our family makes at dinner time to discuss the things that we are grateful for each day.

I am looking forward to the intentional time to seek gratitude. We need it now more than ever. I tell you it is life changing. Won't you try it with me?

Unredeemed in 2011

2011-10-30T18:44:00.006-04:00

Unredeemed-Selah
Click the song title to hear the song while you read. This version allows us the chance to hear a little bit about the song in the words of one of the band members, Todd Smith. It sounds like it was performed live. Oh, and scroll down to pause the blog music. :)

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

This song really spoke into my heart again today and I was sure grateful for the timing of when it was played. I heard this tender song just in time to hold those words close to my heart for when the pain was filling up to overflow. Click here to hear another version of this same song, this one sounds more like the one from the recording studio. Both tender in their own way...

Me in overflow? Imagine that!

I will watch and see... and in the mean time, I will cling to the one who can redeem it ALL.

Making History

2011-10-29T18:50:00.003-04:00

It has been 100 years since it snowed in October where we live.
I have mixed thoughts about this weather today.

On one hand it is cool to have something happen that is so rare and unusual. Watching the snow fall to the ground is always a peaceful thought.On the other hand, I feel like winter is heading in and will take over without those warm fall weather days ever happening.

All and all, it just looks bizarre to have snow falling against the backdrop of autumn colors. To top it all off, I do not have a picture to share!

Oddly enough, our dinner conversation centered around a life lived in the Southern sunshine.

Mosiac Tiles

2011-10-24T06:12:00.001-04:00

Mosiacs.

These are some pretty cool works of art. Each tile, while different and unique, works together with many other tiles and makes a rather beautiful piece of art.

I feel like a mosaic most days of my life. I am filled with deep and profound emotion that spans both extremes of the spectrum and everything in between. It is the most bizarre feeling to feel such a wide range of emotion all at once. It is exhausting I tell you.

Sometimes I laugh at myself and wonder which tile is winning each day? When one of those bumpy tiles starts to take center stage for attention, my initial reaction is to try so hard to surround it with the smooth, polished, beautiful stones. Finding Sunshine. That surely works some of the time. However, lately, I am also finding it better to just be still with the tile that is shattered, broken, rough around the edges, and imperfect. I am labyrinthing through yet another phase of my grief that was just too painful to deal with earlier in my journey. Acknowledgement and acceptance, again. I have also given up the hope that since I know what to expect, it will hurt less, because that simply stated isn't true. I am working hard to remember that this one tile or group of broken tiles, do not define ALL that I am. They are indeed part of me and always will be, I am forever changed. I am more that the brokenness, even when I can't see beyond it. There are beautiful, smooth, polished, admirable stones there too. Each mosaic tile/stone working together to make me the person that I am today. I can only hope that while I feel utterly messed up and all over the place, that someone out there appreciates the beauty in what I have become to date on each day. God does. That is enough. It should be enough. Funny how the one person that I crave that grace from the most is myself. Why do we as humans crave more in our flesh? I am accountable to one and only one.

I felt the clouds slowly rolling in but now I know for sure that I feel their density above me. One day at a time. Here we go. Reminder to self... be sure and restock my tissue supply and to also switch back over to waterproof mascara!

Beef...It's What's For Dinner/ PW Style

2011-10-22T19:07:00.006-04:00

The Pioneer Woman rocks! I love her blog, her cookbooks, her love story book, photography, and even her new Food Network Show. Do you know the Pioneer Woman? No? Go and check out her blog NOW! You won't regret it!

A few friends of mine and I have been exchanging conversations about Ree (PW) and her recipes for some time now. I have been meaning to try one of her beef recipes for months and months. Tonight was the night to make that happen. Easy, delicious, and healthy, Amen! You were right Jen, it really was easy and delicious! Go here and read all about Pioneer Woman's Beef and Snow Peas. Be warned, you will be hungry after looking at her pictures of this entree. After looking at the pictures, you will be dreamy of making this recipe for your family. I encourage you to do just that!

I'll be off putting the leftovers away, no not eating them. Not me.

Oh, and also be warned that once you visit Ree's blog and get to know her a bit, you will be returning to that very blog again and again.

The Very Quiet Cricket-Or Not

2011-10-21T06:54:00.003-04:00

A cricket has found a home it would behind our dishwasher. It's lovely music, while appreciated on a quiet evening streaming though the window screen or perhaps even to another cricket, is not so appreciated inside our home. This particular cricket had quite a song to sing, ALL NIGHT LONG! The cricket sang so loud and it's song echoes through our kitchen and right up the stairs to our bedroom. Oh my! We are sleep deprived this morning for sure! I am chuckling a bit as I am writing this because this cricket doesn't even seem to care that I have turned on the lights and am up and moving around this morning. Most crickets would be quiet now, not wanting to be found, discovered, and caught! It's almost as if it really has something to say!

Speaking of kitchens, we are looking to replace some of our appliances very soon. Do you love your refrigerator, stove, or dishwasher? If so, can you please share with me the make and model? I am feeling rather overwhelmed by all of the choices currently available and would appreciate a first hand review. I think we may have narrowed down our choices of refrigerators to some degree. So many choices...

The oven, well that is another story all together. Standard oven or convection? Convection you say, well then do you want a dual temperature oven? How often might one really use these conveniences? These options significantly alter the price quite a bit!

To say that all appliances run with the basic technology is understood, it's all the rest of the stuff that is overwhelming. Color choices, refrigerator styles, the sizes, the bells and whistles, which in my opinion, are just one more thing that will break and cause trouble. I prefer simplicity but also appreciate the modern technology that is available. AHHH. Some would think this process is fun. I am wishing to make a wise investment and to end up loving what is installed in my kitchen. I love to cook. I love spending time in my kitchen and I want these appliances to enhance that experience and not take away from my joy. I really don't want another thing that I just stubbornly have to learn to love.

Please help. Perhaps I will sleep more peacefully without the visions of appliances running through my mind, all dancing in time to the song played by my most favorite cricket. :)

A Clean Heart

2011-10-13T11:07:00.010-04:00

My agenda this morning included cleaning our home. My area of focus was purposed to clean the kitchen and downstairs bathroom. These areas really needed a good clean.

Now, I am the mother of (three) little boys and a wife of a big guy too. Those of you that only have girls can either laugh and dismiss what I am about to reveal. Those of you that have boys, you know what I am talking about! Boys have this part of their body, which one would think, would make it easier to control the stream of urine that is output from their bodies. Well, this is just simply not necessarily true. Getting the urine to go where it is intended to go without going anywhere else is a learned, trained, and very long process to achieve successfully. At least this is true in our house. I pray that those of you that have boys will back me up a little on this please! And on a side note, if you have any tricks in this department that have worked in your house, send them my way!

So, on this rainy Thursday, while everyone else is gone from our little house, I began to tackle the job of cleaning this area of my home. I was armed with my cleaning products and I had begun the first part of cleaning the bathroom. I had quite the task ahead of me on this particular day. Perhaps life had kept us so busy on the spin cycle that I didn't realize just how dirty my home had really become. As I began this huge task, I thought to myself, "Wow, I have really overlooked the nooks and crannies of where these droplets of urine hide!" I know this is disgusting but bear with me. I started to clean the toilet with usual tools and cleaning products. I was not satisfied with the results so far. So next, I got a bigger and more powerful tool, the trusty old toothbrush. I start scrubbing into the areas that I just simply couldn't reach with the gloves,toilet brush, cleaner, paper towels, and other items that I was using. It was like magic, the yuck started coming clean and before I knew it the bathroom was much cleaner and pleasing to my eyes once again. Not to mention de-germed! All of those little spots where the urine had been hiding were once again clean. That's when it hit me. Well, God hit me with one of His lessons of love.

I know, some of you reading this must think that I am a little abnormal by now. I don't care. I mean who speaks of lessons using toilets and pee? Really? You see, when you invite God into your heart and you have a relationship with him on a daily basis, this is what He does. God shows up and uses all kinds of ways to get after your heart. He uses ways that you and I would otherwise not even think of in terms of human to human relationships. So yeah. God used my cleaning hour to pull up his chair and to offer me a little heart to heart time. I find, more and more, that when my heart is open to his voice, He surely enlightens me to his wisdom on things in my earthly life. I always walk away from these experiences with such peace and also with a lift in spirit so high that I wonder how it is I would ever function here on this earth without Him in my life. I just love when God does that.

My heart has been going through the valleys again lately with various things in my life. I am human. I am weak in the flesh of my body. I can see signs where I have grown more emotionally intelligent over time with the way I seek comfort from the pain in my heart and soul. After all, this has been a slow process and has taken years to get to this point in my life. I have also reacted to the stress in similar ways as most of people, by allowing the hustle bustle of life to be that distraction. In addition, I have also done what I have done before, I have kept it all bottled up inside without sharing a word with anyone, not even God. I have surely prayed over these very situations and on behalf of some very special and dear folks that are truly in desperate need of prayer. I have petitioned our Lord for healing, for peace in the hearts of many, for the answers/way out from circumstances to be shown, etc. I have given thanks and praise for both answered prayers and also for the daily gifts and blessings that are in my everyday life. Here is what I haven't done. I failed to come to our Lord to ask for his protection to guard my heart against the things of this world. I failed to ask for his peace, strength, and wisdom, especially to see the things that I do have the power to change and what I do not, you know like that good old Serenity prayer. So while I feel good about my prayer time on behalf of others, I sometimes forget to ask God to also include protection over my own heart. A part of me felt selfish really but I have since discovered that I need to include that prayer.

We live in a world where bad things are happening all around us to really good folks. One can wonder when is trouble going to arrive at my doorstep next? I wonder sometimes when the next really bad thing will happen again? This is surely no way to live. The circumstances around us that we see others face and suffer through can consume us all with fear if you look around enough. Fear is not from God. It is something He does not want for us to feel. I need to get more into the practice of emptying the burdens that I carry in my heart and trying harder to leave them there at the foot of the cross. I need not take away from that prayer time the helplessness that I have been. I am not always powered with the tools for change circumstances aroudn me, but I am always powered with the ability to love, and to show that love to others in my path of life. When following that call to love, amazing things can and do always happen!

I have continued to seek the answers to the "Why's" of this life and that question is almost never a good question to wrestle with in one's soul. I have not come before him to fully empty my heart from the "Filth" of this world. I have not fully trusted my hurts to God for him to take care and have control. On the contrary, I have attempted to do that all on my own. One would think that I would have learned by now. I have chosen to approach this weakness of my flesh almost as if, I am saying, if I just stay busy enough, I just won't have to think about it. Right now in the present time, that might work for awhile, but guess what, those feelings are really just pooling up and collecting one another in the distraction of everyday life. It doesn't work in the long run. These feelings if left, will find you and creep up on you. When they they are left still and dormant in your heart and deep within your soul, they will creep back to gain your full attention at some point later in time. When they do, they will have grown in power and will have taken over more places of your heart where God wants only peace to reside.

As I was cleaning, I was reminded that God has all the tools needed to clean up my heart. Even my best tools and cleaning products if you will, pale in comparison to what He is capable of. He has that little toothbrush thing that can reach far beyond measure where I as a human soul can go. Why do I try to handle the things of this world all on my own, time and time again? Why do I think that I can handle it all by myself instead of turning it All over to Him on a continual basis? God loves me so much that He took time to teach me or gently remind me of His supernatural power while I was scrubbing a toilet of all things. God reminded me that He loves me and wants to help me. What He wants most is that intimate relationship with me. And you too, for that matter. He wants us to bring the trivial things and the big things of our life to Him and often. God wants nothing more than to impart His wisdom and His cleaning tools and cleaners upon us if we would just let him. You know he doesn't promise us that by cleaning with us, that he will take away that painful circumstance that we face. What does he promise? He promises that he already knows the beginning, the middle and the end of the story. He promises good things to come to those who believe in him. He promises that the things of this world are falling but His Kingdom that He has created for us, is pure and without the pain from this world. He promises that as we must face difficult times on this earth that He will be with us always, to love us. If we invite His presence, He will impart to us His is supernatural cleaning products and tools to help guide our way. God will provide us with our needs just at the right time. I have seen this happen so many times. Just when we thought as humans we had reached the end of the road or were at a stopping point, God came in with a whole other plan in mind and made a way for things to happen that were not otherwise possible.

Next, I moved onto the kitchen and there were some stubborn places on the walls and the floor too for that matter. Have you ever used a Magic Eraser? I love that tool. You know what, I guess looking back, God thought I was being stubborn headed on this particular morning. He hit me with a second dose. He gently showed me that He can get into places in my heart that are so closed off to the rest of this world. He can get into the places of my heart that I don't want anyone to see. The best part is, that when He gets there, to those ugly, dark places of my heart, the ones that I worked so hard to protect, the ones where I have failed in my own human efforts to clean up, those places where the nooks and crannies hide far away from where I want others to see, He sees them, and He loves me anyway. Did you catch that? God loves me anyway, even with all of my dirt! God has just the thing that I need to clean my heart and make it pure. When I clean up this heart, then there is room for peace. Yes, the very thing that I am trying to create by doing things my way. This true and real peace can really only be found in God. You see He has tools for each and every one my problems in life. He has tools that little me knows nothing about. God has tools that I cannot even see, like my toothbrushes and magic erasers. Remembering how simple my cleaning became with the right tools, I was reminded to seek God and allow Him to choose the right tools for the job in my prayer time.

I am certainly not suggesting in any way that when you seek a relationship with God through some of the most difficult times in life, that the difficult issue will just get cleaned right up, go away, and be resolved. Yes, God can and does do that sometimes. He has done just that time and time again. We have all heard these inspiring stories of how God made miracles happen here on earth right before our eyes. Jeremy's story is proof that sometimes, the answers that we seek in this life, that healing, or resolution that we seek, is just not found on this side of heaven. Sometimes, the answers aren't the answers that we want so desperately in our own hearts. Sometimes that cleaning process, even with His tools, still hurts deep down to the very core of your soul. It can rock your understanding and faith as you know it, but hold on to Him most at that point, the cleaning, is in process. I do know without a doubt that when God's will does not align with our own desires, it does not mean that He does not love us or that he did not hear the pleas and cries of our heart. One day, this whole story will be shown to us and we will see how God worked it all together for our greater good. God sees All things where as we see a limited perspective. God is weaving together the masterpiece of our lives. I am here, still hurting, still in disbelief that this really happened to me, still seeking the answers to the WHY?, still missing my sweet baby, still praying for resolution to my hurts, still lacking the understanding desired, and still broken in many places. I am also still in process and under all of that hurt, I know that I am still loved. I know and feel God's presence in my life everyday. I choose to trust that if He loves me this much, then He does have my best interests at heart, even when what I see with my human eyes doesn't make any sense or is painful to see. I will choose to trust that one day I will see how these events have all had their purpose to fulfill and that the outcome of that purpose was for good.

So today I learned that we just need to use the right tools for the jobs of life. For me, using the right tools for the jobs means that I need to empty my whole heart before God more often and not let the nooks and crannies grow into big ugly places that begin to take over my thoughts in ways that are harmful to me. When I turn to God with my whole heart, He will empower me with the right tools for the job. If nothing else, He will impart His peace over me. When the yuck areas of my heart are all cleaned out and purified, they are then protected from evil. These areas will not grow and fester into areas of fear and doubt.

Dear Lord,
I am humbled before you and give all the praise to you for the lesson in love that you showed me today as I was cleaning. While I could see earthly dirt, you were working on my heart so that I could see things from a whole different perspective. You want to show me things that without your presence I would not otherwise see and understand of this world. You Lord, have all the tools that I need to survive and thrive in this fallen world. How much simpler my life would be if I would only trust in you to work things out for my greater good. I ask you to be with me and continue to lead me and guide me along the path of your will for my life. I invite your presence to fill my heart and soul to fulfill your will within each and every day that I am gifted and blessed to live on this earth. I wish to lead a life that brings glory to your name and one that seeks to turn other hearts toward your eternal kingdom where we can live with you Lord in the perfect and pure place that you have created for us all.
Amen

Funny, I will no longer feel disgust when I see the urine in places on our toilets from time to time. Instead, I will choose to remember this love lesson from my heavenly Father delivered straight to my heart on this rainy Thursday. When I see urine I will think of the filth in my heart and I will remind myself that with the help of God, I can release it all and allow him to create in a me clean heart, one equipped to love, to serve, and to be filled with his divine peace.

Unplugged and Unpredictable

2011-10-11T20:40:00.006-04:00

I've been away for awhile.
Our access to Internet was limited and also not completely chosen to be a part of our time away. I guess I was unplugged as they say.

I have things to share.
I often do.
Sadly, I write many posts and then choose not to publish them.
There are many reasons why I do that.
Sorry, not ready to share those here either.

So take me or leave me, the unpredictable blogger that I am.
Mostly I write to remember and to have an outlet to express myself.I know there are no rules about posting or not posting. No rules either about what I choose to sahre or not share.

I'll leave you with the rainbow chairs. I will share the warmth and hope of a pretty rainbow, even if it is man made.

If you take me, I'll be back soon. Have a sunshine day!

God's Workshop

2011-09-28T08:38:00.001-04:00

I am not a photographer. I want/need to learn skills to take better pictures because I know what is seen by my eyes and the camera doesn't capture that many times.

I am a deep thinker. Anyone who knows the me today would all agree. I know, I know, I wear my own self out.
Love me or leave me...this is where I am, who I am, and who I was created to be.

The rainbow was breathtaking. I couldn't stop staring at it for a long while. A double rainbow, even more rare.

The sunset was the most beautiful deep amber and pale blue. The marrying of day to night. A subtle blending of the two, but only for a brief moment. My camera didn't quite capture that, but I know what I saw. I know what I felt.

The heavens tell the glory of God,
and the skies announce what his hands have made.
Day after day they tell the story;
night after night they tell it again.
They have no speech or words;
they have no voice to be heard.
But their message goes out through all the world;
their words go everywhere on earth.

Psalms 19: 1-4

Pasta and Fagioli Soup

2011-09-27T06:51:00.005-04:00

I'm running...not very fast for sure, but my effort is good and that has to count for something. Not exercise running, sadly. I am still just giving lots of good effort to create peace, a normal routine, and lots of love in our house. We are seeing glimpses of normalcy within the walls of our house and that is a good thing.

I swapped meals last week and in the madness of the week forgot to post what I made. I was assigned beef this month. Truly, I don't care what kind of meal the other ladies bring, I am just grateful for the meal. I assume this is true of most of us but is does seem to help when the meat selections for the month are a bit varied.

I decided to love on my crock pot this month and make a meal for busy moms, just like me. The weather in our area has been cold, damp, and rainy often lately. So it was decided and settled that I would make a Pasta and Fagioli soup this month as my contribution to our swap. I for one, am really excited to have a hearty meal like this one waiting for us in our freezer on one of those chilly evenings this fall.

Click on the highlighted text if you are interested in the recipe. Hope you enjoy it too!

It's Friday

2011-09-16T10:06:00.003-04:00

It's Friday!!! Yeah!!!

New routines are so hard for our little guys, and who am I kidding for me too!I have been asleep before 10 on most nights this week which has been unheard of for me in the last three years. In my defense, I am getting up way earlier than in the past too!

I am feeling like I spend so much time in the car again running here to there and everywhere! I am finding peaceful moments listening to some quieter music in the car and finding that helps me a lot to unwind a bit. On one of the days when I wasn't listening to my quiet music, this song came on the radio and it just made me laugh. It made me laugh enough that I thought I would share the link so you could hear it again too! I'm sure most of you have heard it but it is a good one and worth hearing again!

I am still forgetting lots of things in my day to day travels. I am still adjusting to remembering to take everything that I need for a large chunk of my day all at once. I am working especially hard to give myself grace for the moment. I don't have to be perfect!!!

I really love to cook dinner so it has been an adjustment trying to remember that on most weekday nights we need quick and easy meals. On those nights, we eat at all different times due to the many activities that the kids are enjoying. Admittedly, not having that family dinner time really bothers me but for right now that just won't work for our family. One weekday night family dinner is the best that I am going to get and for now I will make the best of that! Last night I made a nice meal and even a homemade dessert. Today it makes me smile to reflect on that dinner and to be grateful for my meal swap friends (again). Lisa W. from our group made that meal that was served last night possible. It was so delicious and everyone enjoyed the food which is always a blessing! The dessert was over the top and all that I heard out of anyone's mouth was MMMMmmm. I'll post the recipe for the homemade pudding later. I only wish that we could have that kind of meal on Wednesdays, kind of like a sweet treat in the middle of the week to get us to the weekend. It was just nice to breathe and know that I had more wiggle room with the afternoon/evening schedule since I didn't have to race out the door to go anywhere.

Overall the week has been a little better than last week but we still have some kinks to work out yet. I am so glad that it is Friday and am really looking forward to what is shaping up to be a fun weekend!

Getting Adjusted

2011-09-14T09:13:00.004-04:00

Life has been busy trying to acclimate to our new routines and schedules now that school is back in full swing and all of the extra curricular activities as well.

All is going well but it has been a little sticky along the way! I am hopeful that all will settle down in the next week or so. Our family doesn't do change all that well... Us highly sensitive people take longer than others to adjust to even minor things like sleep routines.

I forgot to mention one other thing last week that I love to use when I pack my kids lunches for school. I love to leave them little notes in their lunchboxes. I use them for encouragement, to remind them that I appreciate them and the hard work that are doing, and also JUST BECAUSE...I love them. My husband would be embarrassed if he knew that I was sharing this with you all, but I leave them in his lunch too!I have several different sets that I use and sometimes a little scrap piece of paper works too.

I'm sure there are tons of lunchbox notes readily available. They can be easily found on Etsy, Michaels,Hallmark, Barnes and Nobles, etc. I love the preprinted ones that are colorful and cute! They make my job so easy on a busy morning! These take only minutes to fill in and personalize. Here are some examples of the ones that we are currently using:

Lunchbox Love

Lunch Notes from Hallmark

And there are many more out there to find and use. Each note only takes a minute to write and hide in a lunchbox but the impact is huge! My kids saved many of their notes from years past and that tells me something! It matters when I take the time to show my love and encouragement to them!

A Giveaway! I have an extra set of this little notes to share with someone. If you are interested, leave me a comment. Winner will be announced on Friday!

Back to School Lunch Edition

2011-09-06T08:41:00.014-04:00

We've been gearing up for the first day of school for awhile now it seems. Doesn't that make perfect sense? I hurry up and get everything ready and then drag my feet and refuse to let go of summer. Yes, I know. I wear my own self out.

I'll share a few of my favorite Back to School things. I'll start with lunch stuff. Our kids pack a snack and a lunch four days a week during the school year. Hubby takes a lunch to work too. I prefer to pack what I can the night before to make the mornings a little less chaotic, so my nights get a little busy during the school year.

My kids each have a lunchbox from L.L.Bean. The older ones have had theirs for a few years now and they have held up year after year wonderfully. I have been known to throw them into the washing machine from time to time and they still look great for this school year. Our little guy just got a new one this year. Here's hoping his lasts just as long. They may have been a little more expensive than those in Target and Walmart but they sure have held up to the wear and tear of what we have put them through after several years.

A friend of mine and I researched last summer to find the perfect lunch system. We wanted to be more conscious of the environment and not create so much wasted trash. We were looking for a system that wasn't too expensive and one that did not have so many little containers and lids. Boy would that wear me out day after day washing all of those things. Alas, we found EasyLunchboxes.com. Go there now and check them out for yourself. They really are quite wonderful. They are inexpensive and they do hold up after many uses. Our set lasted the whole school year and even traveled with us this summer to the pool, the beach, and beyond. I did order new ones for this school year but at that price, I felt like they performed as expected and I was ready to make another purchase. I pack two of these containers for each of my kids most days of the week. I pack one for lunch and the other for their snack. They are color coded, so they know, and I know, who's is who's. I love the variety of the lunches that I can send to school with the help of these containers.

My kids also love hot soup and other warm leftovers like mac and cheese and pasta in the fall and winter. I have tested a few different thermos containers and have settled on this brand and style. It suits our needs well. The food really does stay hot through lunchtime and beyond.

Our kids are also required to have a plastic water bottle that they can have in the classroom. I found these at Target and have used this same style and brand for three years now. We buy one bottle and it lasts the whole school year in general. Last year we went through a phase where the kids kept leaving their water bottles behind at different sporting events and such which caused the need to buy several sets. I hope that doesn't happen again this year! These bottles help me keep track of every one's water intake each day. Staying hydrated is so important for many reasons.

We pack cloth napkins as often as we can to also cut down on unnecessary trash. I get really cheap ones that are not fancy at Target. I also love the colorful ones at Pier One. They are way more fun!

I also picked up the basket stand at Pier One this year. I was running out of counter space and needed a place for all of our lunchboxes! We'll see how this one works out.

The last thing that I can't say enough about is Mabels Labels. I love those things! I label our clothes, water bottles, shoes, backpacks, lunchboxes, and you name it with these labels and surprisingly the label stays on throughout the school year! They even stay on through the laundry and dish washing too!

That's what works for my family in terms of school supplies for lunches at school. You know it works best when we share information with one another right?. What do you think is super fabulous in terms of lunch supplies for your family? Please share...

Picking Good Fruit and Memories Too

2011-09-05T09:00:00.004-04:00

Our family enjoys picking our own fruit and vegetables at a farm not too far away from where we live. In the past we have picked apples, strawberries, pumpkins, peaches, and raspberries. This summer we picked peaches, blackberries, raspberries, apples, and potatoes. Each time we have gone to the farm we have enjoyed the peaceful tranquility of the lush green fields and forestation nearby and all around us.

Most recently, we went after Hurricane Irene had come through our state. I marveled at how many peaches were still on the trees in the orchard considering the wind that ripped through the area last week. As we walked through the orchard we did notice some visible damage to some of the trees but overall most of the trees remained in good condition. The experience proved to be another time to admire God's design of nature. Peaches by design are soft and bruise easily when they are ripened. Amazing how with that wind, these fragile peaches remained safely attached to their branches and sustained the wrath of the storm.

As usual, we left the farm with far more fruit than we can personally eat ourselves so we plan to share our abundance of yummy fruit and good harvest with others. IN that sharing, lies yet another gift.

We also left the farm with heart full of good memories and for that I am most grateful.

September?

2011-09-03T21:48:00.006-04:00

September? Can it really be here already? Summer sure flew by and I am dragging my feet to see it come to an end. I love summer once we get past the beginning of June. I feel good for the most part in the summer. There is much about the summer that makes me happy in general. This summer has brought some challenges which I will not share here, at least not now anyway. I've been working hard to keep my head above water more often than not this summer and so I do have a slight concern that I will be even more emotionally challenged as we move from summer into the fall. I have begun to wonder when I will not be emotionally challenged? I wonder how my experiences would leave a person anything otherwise?

Even I have noticed how I have avoided my usual sense of therapeutic writing here on this blog. I hide behind the busyness of summer and the in the fun things that I like to do with my family and friends. The work of grieving, well it waits for you. It waits for the quiet hours and it sneaks up you when you are least prepared. It is still ever present in my world.

School starts next week for our kids and that means we have only a few days left to soak up summer and cross things off of our summer list. Just looking at my calendar for the upcoming month makes me feel stressed and it hasn't even happened yet. Shew!And while I will admit to the happy thought of having a few hours in the day to get things done and perhaps to have a moment to catch my breath, I dread the quiet of when everyone else is gone from our home. My response...to get busy doing something.
So while I attempt to enjoy the last few days of summer before school starts, I am also digging my feet into the ground doing my best to avoid the parts of the next season that I don't like. I've learned that digging doesn't help and the hard days will come anyway...

The roller coaster ride that we have been on in the past has given us a new perspective and so I dare not to complain about the choices that we freely make to participate in such activities. For the most part, our involvement in various activities is voluntary, with good purpose, and God willing with good outcomes. Nothing like the events we once faced in the past. We are just a busy family and busy is good I guess, for now. Busy mode keeps my mind from wandering into thoughts I'd rather not think about.

I'm up to my ears in planning and scheduling while trying to remember how little control I really do have over many things in my life.

Earthquakes, Hurricaines, and No Power, Oh My!

2011-08-30T10:17:00.006-04:00

Wow. What a week! We began the week with an earthquake which is not typical for the area in which we live. There wasn't any damage to our home and we were not hurt but the kids were a little uncertain of what was going on since it was a new experience for them. Their understanding of earthquakes in general was formed after the earthquake in Japan this spring so their uneasiness was certainly understood.

We ended the week with a hurricane that produced heavy winds and ongoing rain. Weather reports throughout the storm were keeping everyone on their toes worried about possible flooding, widespread power outages, and likely other property damage due to heavy winds and downed trees. As the storm moved out of our area we felt blessed that we did not suffer any damages to our home and did not experience any flooding. We were however, left without power for a few days.

The week was humbling to say the least. It was yet another powerful reminder of how little control we have over so much in our lives. It reminded me of how quickly things can change from day to day and minute to minute. The weather events brought back front center the recognition that most tangible things really have little importance. Your priorities get in check and you begin to see what really matters.

The power outages reminded us of the many ways that folks pull together in a storm. There were memories created of family who brought us ice in a cooler to keep some perishable food and drinks safe and readily available, doughnuts, and their calming presence. This was key for the children to see that all was really ok. There were good friends who brought us additional ice, hot coffee (they know us all too well), and allowed us to borrow a working outlet in their house so we could cook a crock pot meal. There were neighbors who also shared their generator with us. This new found source of power allowed us to plug in our refrigerator which created a peace within my soul. I was afraid of losing all of my precious freezer meals that help to keep me sane during the weekday rush! Amen. In addition, neighbors who ventured out into the world by car were asking what others needed and a third sharing of hot coffee was discovered on my porch from yet another neighbor one early morning. Overall, it was nice to see more of our neighbors outside and this lack of power for a few days got people talking and helped to further that all too important sense of community that we all so desperately need in this world.

Since reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I have since kept up my list of things that I am grateful for each day. I find for me personally that keeping this list really helps me to slow down to see the simple blessings embedded within each day. I found myself listing many things during this storm. Being purposeful about gratitude did help me to remain more peaceful within this storm. Being purposeful about gratitude does cause a shift in negative thinking period.

I will end this post in hopes that this week is a little less eventful, weather wise anyway.

Side note...weather wise it was uneventful. It quite nice actually so far. Having a lack of power and scrmabling to enjoy those fleeting moments of summer, now that's a different story alltogether.

Yard Sale

2011-08-19T21:32:00.002-04:00

It all started with a night out to our local favorite ice cream stand. That night a Summer List was created. That night it seemed as if we had endless nights of summer ahead, only now, they are all too soon slipping away. A Yard Sale and a Lemonade Stand were added to our list.

In June we read a really great family read aloud, The Lemonade War by Jacqueline Davies I think. Great book. All the while we enjoyed each and every page, the desire to have a lemonade stand grew even stronger.

We have a foundation set up in Jeremy's memory and so the children have been a very active part of that since it's origination. They all agreed to sell their toys and belongings of no longer use to them, to benefit the rays of Sunshine Foundation.
Can this be any sweeter?

The excitement is brewing as tomorrow is the big day! Wish us luck! I know no matter the outcome that a memory will be made in the hearts of three very special children. Grandparents have also stepped up to assist in their experience of the day and to encourage them along the way.

Tonight we were setting up and pricing things and then all of the sudden time stood still. I became lost in the memories of these treasured toys and the good memories attached to them. We send them on to the next owner with much love but I can't help the sad feelings that have invaded my soul unexpectedly. There are even funny visions of Toy Story running through my mind with our favorite toys panicking that they are being sold in a Yard Sale. Truth be told, we just don't have room for all this stuff and the new stuff that creeps in too! I worry that we will sell something that I may regret later on in life. I am just not super attached to things of this world anymore, the memory, yes, the stuff, no. I just hope I don't regret the purge. I do save a few extra special things and I hope that is sufficient as they all grow.

I am stunned that I have become so emotional about this tonight. Can anyone relate?
It seems as though we are moving and sifting out of the little kid stage so fast and I just wasn't ready nor I am feeling all that prepared for what's ahead. In fact the whole next step seems a little scary.

Fall Schedule

2011-08-18T09:35:00.002-04:00

Our slow crawl into fall started yesterday. Our oldest is playing fall baseball and his first practice was last night. I couldn't help but to sigh with mixed emotion.

Sigh of happiness...
what a beautiful evening it was last night
my son loves baseball
what a great night to play baseball
great times are ahead watching him play ball
the structure and routine of what the school year brings, in most ways this structure and routine are good things

Sigh of letting go of summer...
summer is winding down
the busy fall schedule is upon us, not ahead, but here now
each week from here on out we will be adding to our schedule
it's going to get really busy
gone are the lazy days of summer and the lack of a busy schedule
gone will be the impromtu activities for the most part

I find myself sighing even as I write this post. Here comes fall!

Fun at the Fair

2011-08-12T22:43:00.004-04:00

What a beautiful day! We got some boring errands out of the way early in the morning and then packed our lunches and headed to the pool! We came home, took a quick shower, then headed out to the fair.

We have our things to do at the fair...

Fresh squeezed lemonade with the colorful straws
Pit beef sandwiches
French Fries from the High School Booster Club
see the animals
check out the cool stuff in the 4H tents
play a few games
listen to the music
funnel cakes/fried dough
a ride on the merry go round, not sure if the kids will love me or hate me for this as the years pass

We love supporting the local schools, fireman associations, and places like the Lions club rather than the general fair set ups.

We left just as the major crowds were pouring in. We left watching the most beautiful sunset cast upon the farmland sky. You could almost catch the peace in your hands. You know those moments when time stands still for a brief second?

We left with smiles on our faces which quickly turned to solemn faces as we approached the cemetery. It is just not possible to be that close and to drive past Jeremy's grave. We are so grateful for the beautiful place where he is buried. It is so peaceful there...It is also hard to go from one extreme to another. Reality stares us in the face when we approach Jeremy's grave. A life that ended too soon for our standards, a life that was remarkable in it's entirety, a life that was treasured and loved so deeply, a life that continues to live on in many ways, a life that is simply stated, profoundly missed! We are a broken family. While we were there we discovered some major damage to Jeremy's headstone which I will need to call about next week. It was disturbing to see, but, none the less, caused most likely by accident.It happens... hopefully it will be fixed without a headache.

Miss that sweet boy and his presence in our everyday lives. Miss him everyday but especially when we are just living life to it's fullest potential and we feel that hole and our brokenness front and center. Missed him at the fair, missed him at bedtime, just miss him all the darn time.

I can only imagine that heaven is way better than a fair all the time!

I remember the amazing experience that I had at the fair last year. Thinking about it just filled me with an abundance of love this week. It has been a tougher time lately, but then again, I expected it to be so...

Bittersweet ending to a sweet day...

Grace

2011-08-12T08:44:00.002-04:00

Grace was abundant yesterday.

It was found in the sunflowers that were wallpapered all over the hospital wall.

It was found in the multiple sunshines that were found in various places throughout our time there.

It was found in the tissues that I had to deliver to the PICU thanks to some recent and generous donations. This gave me a purpose and a grounding, if you will to reality. This renewed purpose helped to loosen the grip that fear was holding tightly over me.

Grace came when we visited the respite house that I hold near and dear to my heart and we were greeted with friendly faces with warm smiles and hugs. We had a donation to make there as well and so that was also a grounding experience as well.
I love being there, as a volunteer, that is.

Grace was found when an offer was made to help unload our car.

It was found in the beautiful Black Eyed Susans bouquet that we brought for the respite house.

Grace was found in the encouraging text messages from friends knowing my journey back there as a patient would emotionally be hard for me.

Grace came when the parking was generously made easy for me...

Grace was found in the babysitting for my other kids...

Grace was found in the beautiful weather with storybook picture clouds painted in the sky. It looked a Disney movie backdrop up in the sky yesterday.

It was found when I could use strategies learned in therapy to distance my mind from where it wanted to travel back in time.

Grace for the moment. It was waiting around each corner of the day. I did it. It wasn't easy but the day is behind me and I am ok. Jeremy is ok. My thirdling is ok. Nothing bad happened yesterday.

When You Lose Something You Cannot Replace

2011-08-11T23:18:00.006-04:00

Tears stream down your face when you lose something that you cannot replace...the lyrics to a song playing into my ears that penetrates my soul...

Spent the day at the very hospital today where I was asked to walk away from my son for the last time on earth today...Why can't I get every last detail of the door frame out of my mind????
same doctors...

same clinic ...
He answered..
Same doctors, same clinic, different child Amy... Nothing bad is happening to Jeremy today sweet child. I have him. I have him sweet child of mine. He is healed. He is safe in the comfort of my arms. Jeremy is here give your energy to the other...
BREATHE

There are no rules...
no expected reactions or behaviors...not textbook people

raw emotion
that's what drives people like me each and every day.

grace for the moment
that it is all I can petition

reaction to REAL LIFE...

Someday I'm Gonna Miss This

2011-08-10T19:43:00.002-04:00

There are a few sets of hands to help around the house.
There are few of hearts to mold and to teach about the ways of the world.

Simple tasks like refilling the toilet paper supply in the bathroom quickly become interesting. I'm sure the five star hotels would have a higher standard but I will try to overlook my instinctual perfectionist ways and take a moment to cherish these little nooks and crannies of evidence left behind by the little hands in our house.

These things will all too soon pass me by and I will miss these moments that make me smile.

Dilemna

2011-08-09T13:35:00.000-04:00

I put several books on hold at our local library all at the same time assuming that they would stagger in and I would actually have time to read them.

I must have been dreaming...

They all came in at once and I haven't had a chance to read most of them. I am actually still reading Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet. I am enjoying the book just lacking the stillness I desire and crave to read it. There hasn't been much down time around here...

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover

2011-07-31T22:49:00.002-04:00

The surface is shallow.
Surface thoughts are surface thoughts and that's all.
Things can be very deceiving when you only look at the surface, what someone presents to you, the cover if you will.
But chances are, things run far deeper than you might have ever imagined.
I challenge you to do more than respond to the surface and what appears to bubble to the surface.
What? How?
Look beyond the surface and love others with conviction.
Live your life and love deeply those that matter to you.
Even more than that, love those that maybe you don't know, and even your enemies.
Respond to life and folks with LOVE.
That's all.
It will never steer you wrong.
People aren't what they seem.
Most hide their pain and suffer in silence.
They pretend to be what others expect them to be.
Be the change and allow those in your presence to be real,to be authentic,and to be who they are. Love them for it. You do not walk in their shoes so be careful not to judge, just love them. It really is that simple. Chances are you are not who you seem to be either.

Love is where you will meet fellow mankind in the middle, you know where it is real.

Pepsi Refresh July

2011-07-31T16:13:00.004-04:00

Today is the last day to vote for the Pepsi Refresh project this month.
A dear friend has entered to receive on the $5000 grants to provide Pillow Pets for the Pediatric Units at our local hospital this holiday season. She could really use the votes to secure this funding. Could you take a moment, register with Pepsi, and vote? Go to the category where it lists the ideas for $5000 and it is listed under Pillow Pets for Pediatrics. It's free and I promise you it will only take a few minutes of your time. Once registered, you do not recieve a ton of spam e-mail either. I can tell you this vote will make a difference in the lives of so many kids this holiday season. You can also vote for up to four more wonderful ideas that folks have out there for grant funding. Thank you. Thank you.

It's Over

2011-07-30T22:25:00.006-04:00

The summer swim season is officially over!
We swam our final meet of the year today and gathered this evening at the pool for the annual swim team party, awards night, and sleepover.
We couldn't be more proud of our swimmers!
We had a great season, lots of improvement, and memories with smiles to last forever!

Monday morning may just be a lazy one...finally! I wonder how quiet the pool will be this week?

Water Up My Nose

2011-07-27T17:06:00.009-04:00

I got some fun pictures of the kids in the pool yesterday but I also got water up my nose. I haven't had water up my nose in years! It was a fun day and it felt good to finally be able to enjoy the outside activities without the scortching heat!

Honey Pecan Pork Cutlets

2011-07-27T07:56:00.003-04:00

Our monthly meal swap met last week. We feasted on an assortment of chocolate covered goodies while we got to meet the newest member of the host's family and caught up with the goings on of each of our lives. I realized many of these women have been a part of my life for a very long time. I value each of them and their friendship even more than the meals, but hey, those are really nice too!

The fall is quickly approaching and busy times with various school schedules and other activities. A meal swap is a great way to get a variety of meals in your freezer that make that dinner hour rush just a bit easier for Mom. Having these meals in my freezer has really made my life easier and more delicious. I love this swap and I encourage you to consider starting one if you think that it might be of interest to you.

Here's the recipe from this month that I made. Honey Pecan Pork Cutlets sounded so yummy and this recipe screamed out for a side of sweet potatoes, but that's just me. My oven is still not working properly so I decided to go with a skillet meal. It also comes in handy on the HOT days when you wouldn't want to turn on your oven. Hope you like it!

DEALS

2011-07-20T16:29:00.002-04:00

In the past I have been a make a list of what we need kind of shopper. If I have a coupon for that item, great, if not, that's okay too, we still need it and I have made the purchase. I have used my bonus card at select stores and also tried to purchase items that were on sale. I did give some effort to saving money but only if it was convenient.

The fact remains that I still spend more money than I would like to spend each week on grocery and household items. There is always the gifts for parties, items for the school functions, scouts, and the endless amount of incidentals. I'll do great at the grocery store and then the opportunity will present itself to make a Costco run and drop a significant chunk of change there too for items that we will need in the near future. The I don't feel so good about sticking to a budget but I feel like I purchased items that we do use and the purchase was made at a time that was convenient.

I have tried to be a little more willing to steer away from the brand name of some items but we all have items that we are brand specific,like Heinz ketchup for example.

For the last two weeks I have tried something new. I have switched gears. I have been shopping using the local sale circulars and coupons from a variety of stores. I have been buying only items that we usually use,when they are on sale,and using coupons, hence hopefully saving more money in the long run.

In the short run, I am not sure this is working. I am really not sure whether I am saving money? I have spent the same amount of money as I usually do for the last two weeks. I am feeling slightly uncomfortable buying quantities of select items when I don't really need them. I am really projecting what we will need or might need in the near future. I am building a small stockpile of these items in my pantry. Take for example the three bottles of dish soap that was purchased this week when I don't need dish soap right now. However, the mind set is that when I do need dish soap, I will have purchased it at a better price and therefore saved more money in the long run. So for the past two weeks I have purchased many items that we will use and will need, but just not right now. I haven't figured out if I like shopping this way or not yet. Despite my angst, I do admit to the excitement that I feel when I have snagged items for free or at a really good price! Trust me, my shopping experiences look nothing like the Extreme Couponing show, but none the less, I do think I am getting a better price on many items than I normally would. I have no intention of building a large stockpile, just a small one of only things that we would typically use. Some of the other good deals I have found have gone to support several local charities.

I need your help. Do you shop this way? If so, what advice might you have for someone new to this method of shopping? Is there a universal more organized way to tell if the Safeway sale price with a coupon is still better than the Walgreens sale with a coupon price? It feels like a deal while you are in the store but only in comparison tot he regular price of that item in that specific store. When you walk out the door you just might realize that there could have been a better price elsewhere. I have no intention of running to a million stores each week in search of the best prices. There is something to be said for my sanity although I don't want to give away our money either. I also don't have nor want to spend countless hours each week cutting coupons and preparing for a shopping trip. I am willing to invest a small amount of time. I just want to find an easy, efficient, and organized way to work at this method of shopping. I am wondering if there are stores that are just universally known for having the best prices? Any advice that folks could give me would be appreciated.

A New Style

2011-07-18T21:36:00.003-04:00

My sweet daughter spent her "give" money at Walmart buying tissues.
We found the cutest new style of tissues from Kleenex.
Stylish and soft. I love them!
I am sporting a pack in my purse as well.

Our tissue shelf is ready to be restocked. Thanks to those who are faithful supporters of this aspect of our foundation. Each and every pack goes a long way to help the response to life circumstances be a little more gentle to hurting hearts in the PICU.

I am Grateful. I am grateful for the opportunity to do something that is so meaningful in the lives of others and that heals my heart all at the same time.
I can't change the circumstances that are present in lives of many but I can love them as they walk their journey. That love, yes, it does make a difference, a big difference! That love, well, it was inspired by YOU, at the very time in my life when I needed that love to get throught the 70 worst days of my life.

Will you join me?
If there is someone on your heart tonight that is hurting and facing a difficult time, will you join me in prayer for them and then act on that love. Will you choose some way to show that person that your heart is thinking of them?
Send the email.
Send a card.
Leave an encouraging message.
Give a hug. No words are needed. The human heart feels love and does not NEED words.
etc.

Trust me it will make a difference, to them and YOU!

A Swimmingly Good Time

2011-07-16T21:13:00.006-04:00

Our family is having a super time on the Swim team again this summer! We have three swimmers registered for the team, two consistently participating, and one who is not too sure of swimming, but eagerly cheers for his siblings and teammates! We even look above for one more to help direct a straight path while swimming backstroke. We were just completely immersed in the good time to be had by our family today. Lost in the moment if you will.

There is little that I can do to change the circumstances that threaten to eat away at my soul. Today, I found the strength to respond with love and then to embrace the good that is mine today and to dare not, take it for granted. I practice what I preach my friends. I loved those near and dear to me harder and longer today. I read that one more story. I indulged their requests of my time, I took time to encourage the rooting of my gratitude for the many blessings that are gifted to me today. I prayed over that which is not in my control. I enjoyed the miracle of today but kept perspective that, not all, are able to enjoy what is mine today. My heart paused many times throughout the day to pray and to be cognisant of the suffering hearts of this world. This place leads me to the moments where the true gifts of this world can be found. The very place that can be so deep, where others are afraid to enter, where I think too much, where life is too loud at times, where it keeps me awake at night by the light of the moon desperately trying to figure it all out, where it is lonely and a place of great solitude, that place, that is where I have also found the blessings of life that just might have passed me by otherwise. My eyes are wide open and my heart well, that just follows right along! Love me or leave me, this is who I have become.

Grateful.

Cover Me

2011-07-15T21:45:00.002-04:00

Scroll down to the music player. Find Cover Me by Bebo Norman, I promise it will bless your day.

It is quite an intimate song...

This song is just what I needed today. It is what I needed to hear many times over in fact!

This world is too much for my fragile heart that sinks to some very deep places that I cannot get myself out of alone. I am still struggling to learn that I am NOT expected to understand, fix, and figure things all out on my own.

Cover Me- Bebo Norman

Cover me, cover up my tears
Cover up this man who's covered up in fear
I need a peace of mind, I need a piece of you
To cover all that's gone and everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me, then you hold me

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
Everything single breath I breathe...cover me

I am still alive and covered up in years
Covered up in lines as innocence appears
So give me a peace of mind, give me a piece of you
To cover all that's old with everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
And you unfold me, then you hold me
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me then you hold me
I want to shed this skin
You unveil me with your mercy
You unfold me, then you hold me
You unbreak me, would you take me home

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
Everything single breath I breathe...cover me

I will go for now. I will not make attempts to speak words from my heart tonight.
I will pray to be covered by Him under this beautiful moon. I will pray for His peace to transcend to my weary soul.
I will unfold to Him and seek comfort in His embrace.

Angel Mail #18

2011-07-11T23:05:00.003-04:00

Dear Jeremy,

Hi! Oh, how your Mama misses you! To this day I long for your presence in my arms! Today, I find myself to be like you, the baby, longing to be rocked in my Father's arms, searching for the comfort from the pain of this world and losing you. It has been three years since I last held you in my arms. Three years, yet it seems like yesterday. Time is relative to me, something that no longer makes any sense to me or moves as expected. I am scattered into many years of the present and also of today. There are so many days where I just feel so lost...I feel like I have gained so many valuable lessons in life after what we we have been through together, yet to this day, I also at the same time feel as though I can barely survive the everyday moments without you.

Mama has been doing battle with her soul and trying to do what is considered right within the world of today. The pain eats me alive and yet I don't want to be defined by that pain. I know you wouldn't want me to be that way and so I continue to forge ahead into new places without you, but all the while, know that I am forever changed by you and the life experience that we shared. You are part of me forever...I wouldn't be the person that I am today without you and yet there is little that I can love about myself because it all largely came at the cost of losing you in this world. The very thought of you, the suffering that you endured, those moments where we were kept from the expected newborn baby and family path, the continued abandonment of the life that I wanted and planned for, ALL OF IT, it is all profoundly responsible for keeping me from completely unraveling...or am I?

There are moments embedded within each and every single day where I am in utter amazement at each and every one of your siblings. I get lost in my love for them. They are each unique, special, and a blessing to me and to this world in their own individual ways. Then it comes, it ALWAYS comes, the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, And HOW questions, they always come. What IF you were here? What if you didn't go to heaven? What If life had gone the way I had hoped and planned? Who would I be? What would our life look like? In what ways would our family be so very different? What would I be feeling? I trust by now that all of those questions are answered for you and it all makes perfect sense to you by now. Oh, how how I long for that knowledge and understanding to transcend to me.

After all, my life, it really isn't mine. It belongs to God, it always has and it always will. He is there when each and every tear that falls from my eye, He is there to fill me in places where the world just can't, He is there to show me love and peace...He offered me His detour, His perfect plan and will for my life and for Yours. Who am I to question His authority? Why do I fight His will with my own ideas and plans? Why can't I just fully DWELL in His will for my life??? I want to, I want to with all that I am. I am working so hard, so painfully hard at this pruning cycle, all the while keeping my eyes fixed upon the cross knowing full well that there is purpose in the pain and good fruit to bear sometime soon. There is good and there IS joy embedded right beside my grief while I get to the everyday work that is asked of me and while I am shedding the tears of grief and pain.

I can only imagine what heaven must be like...if you even think of me, know that every cell of me remembers you. I remember it all, the good, the bad, and even the moments most would want to forget. I remember most of all, what you have taught me and what you continue to stretch me to become each and every day! There are surely rough waters left to navigate, but as good ole' Garth sings, "with the Lord as my captain, I can make it through them all." One day we will be reunited and I look forward to that moment more than words can say.
Until then...

I send my love to You on Angel's Wings,
Mama

A Few Opportunities

2011-07-07T20:16:00.003-04:00

I went to Target today , Walmart too for that matter.
For the record, I was searching for something special for someone special...
In the end, there was success but I did have to compromise on what I set out to find. What I didn't expect to find was that SCHOOL SUPPLIES have been stocked on the shelves already. AHHH!!! I can't decide if I am excited or sad? I think I am excited about the school supplies but sad that summer is passing by so quickly!

I also had the privilege of delivering tissues to the PICU today. With the help of God and the support of many generous folks, our foundation has been able to continue to provide this comfort item to the families of the children in the PICU for the last three years. Thank you, I am humbled by your continued compassion and generosity. I would not be able to keep this donation to the PICU up without each and every person who has been a part of this mission from the start. The PICU is ever so grateful for the soft tissues and the compassion of so many! For those who may be reading and are unaware of this project, we donate the purse size tissue packs to the PICU on a regular basis. Any brand will do, but the softer the better.
Kleenex, Puffs, whatever...even the ones found at Ollies and the Dollar Store have been great. Every single donation is appreciated. I have had many people tell me that they try to pick up a pack or so as they are doing their regular shopping and then they tuck them away until they have several packs to send my way. I love hearing heartwarming stories like that from our faithful Prayer Warriors.

On that note, a friend of mine has asked me me to spread the word about another project that is well under way that will also benefit children who are patients in the hospital this upcoming holiday season. She has applied for a Pepsi-Refresh grant and if you are familiar with those, they are dependent upon the votes in the community and beyond to win the grant money. Here is the information that she sent to me. Please check out the site and vote if you can. Many children will surely smile a little easier this holiday season if you do.

Hi All,

I submitted an application to the Pepsi Refresh Project for a $5000 grant to continue my Pillow Pets for Pediatrics into the 2011 Holiday season. The project is to provide critically ill, hospitalized children with a pillow pet during the holidays. Providing comfort to children as they face the unknown truly lifts their spirits. This was very successful last holiday season (collected 250 pillow pets through generous donations). However, I want to make this an even bigger project this year touching and reaching more children then last year!. The kids LOVED them.

However, I need votes to win... I need to get in and stay in the top 20. Please take a moment to vote by clicking the link and casting your vote. http://www.refresheverything.com/pillowpetsforpediatrics
Please vote daily during the month of July. Your vote can help make this happen! Or you can text your vote to 73774, and enter 107141.

Now Go Vote! :) Thanks for your support! I was at 17, now at 31... Your vote can bring me back to the top 20!

Please spread the word to all you know, and thanks for supporting a great cause!

I finished my book ON FOLLY BEACH and loved it. Now off to read some other great books that are waiting in my library bag.

I started off having many things to say but several interupptions later and a storm or two inbetween, I am too tired to write anymore.

The rest will have to wait until another time.

Summer Love

2011-07-01T20:18:00.005-04:00

It has surely been a busy summer so far. It's hard to believe that we have been out of school for almost four weeks now. Where does the time go?

I am still reading On Folly Beach. I am still enjoying it a great deal and wishing I had more time to read. It has been a very busy week so far. Hoping I will get done everything that I need to do tonight so I can have a little quiet time to read. Maybe a little glass of wine too.

Someone else asked how I am liking The Fitting Room? I am enjoying it so far, although I have spent more time recently with the Fooly Beach book. I usually take longer to read books like The Fitting Room because I need to read a little, put it down to process what I have read, apply it to my world, then read some more.

This summer I have also really enjoyed my insulated cups. You can usually spot me caryying one or the other around the deck of the pool and to and froim all of my many errands each day. I am still loving my pretty ice cubes and looking forward to adding some fresh peaches into the mix sometime very soon. I am hoping I will find some peaches at the market this weekend. These ice cubes are especially yummy in a tall glass of iced tea. Peaches and mint make a really yummy combination.

I do love summer. That is once I get past the first week and the painful memories attached with what that date brings.

What do you love about summer?

Fauxtisserie Chicken

2011-06-28T21:54:00.004-04:00

Now this is a recipe I have needed for awhile now. It seems like a perfect one for those busy nights and also one that lends itself to creative leftovers or helping to get the hard part of dinner preparations done ahead of time. Check this recipe out for Fauxtisserie Chicken. My mom shared a cookbook with me that she had checked out of the library. We both tend to check out a lot of cookbooks from the library. When I get to the point that I simply drool over each and every recipe, it is time to buy the cookbook. However, I realized that there was a blog that was mentioned in the cookbook that was also written by the authors of this cookbook. I think I'll check out their blog for awhile and see if that will hold me over or if I really need to buy the cookbook. Be warned there seem to be a lot of yummy recipes listed on this website and on this blog as well.

I made this recipe for our monthly meal swap. I made a slight variation of the recipe that I linked to this post. I simply used a whole chicken,gave it a good rinse, then patted it dry with paper towels. I loosened the skin all over the chicken and then stuffed three tablespoons of cilantro and 4 cloves of garlic under the loosened skin. I then made a dry rub of 1 1/2 teaspoons of chili powder, 1 teaspoon of cumin, and 1 teaspoon of season salt and applied that all over the outside of the chicken. The recipe then calls for the juice of one lime to be squeezed all over the outside of the chicken and then for the lime halves to be baked inside the cavity of the chicken during the cooking time in the crock pot.

I definitely think this recipe is a keeper and will be used often in our house.

Our Summer List

2011-06-23T07:29:00.002-04:00

Our summer list is now complete! We partially made the list early this month once school ended. We've been adding to it a little since then but I think it is now complete.

We've been operating by these lists as a family for awhile now. I won't go into the details of how we started using them right now... I will say that lists like this work really well when you have really different personalities, strong ones at that, in one family. We have been successful at understanding what is really important to each individual in our family. We each have a say in what matters to us individually and we are more accepting of things if that certain something is important to someone else. It's a winning plan for us...for now at least.

An added plus is that I love lists and being organized. I am learning to be less structured and more flexible with planning, but I still think having a framework to work within is really important. A loose plan if you will.

I'm looking forward to checking each activity off one by one as we go through the summer. We have some great things on our list. Here's hoping it is a NOT SO BUMMER SUMMER for our family.

Do you have a summer list? If so, what is on your list?

Folly Beach- More Pauses

2011-06-20T08:07:00.007-04:00

Have you ever read a fiction book and while you were fully getting lost in the story there were also moments where you read a few lines that truly connected you to your own life and caused you to pause and just take it all in?

It has been happening to me more and more in recent years. I truly love the library. At the rate that we read books in our family, we would never be able to afford to purchase every book that we read. However, I have found that when I really like a book, there's nothing I like more than the opportunity to write in the book, underline passages, highlight passages, and jot notes in the side margins. Of course, this does not allow me to then share the book with others because I think this type of note taking makes it hard to read if you are not the notetaker.

Folly Beach is a library book and I am having a hard time not writing in this book.
Ahh...

Here are my latest moments of pause with this book.
The ocean is the same as it has been of old; the events of today are its waves and its rivers.
Sayyid Haydar Amuli

"Do you know why coyotes are found in almost every state now? Because they adapt. They find that what they really wanted isn't what they need, that there's something just as good someplace else. It's how they survive."

"Sometimes, just when we think we can see our lives on course and we can settle back and get comfortable, a new path opens. Some people just keep going, too scared to veer off the familiar path. But others, well, they step off into the unknown, and find that maybe that was where they were supposed to be all along."

A great man once wrote, "Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire."

The Suitcase

2011-06-17T20:34:00.005-04:00

I am really enjoying the book Folly Beach by Karen White. It's like a breath of fresh air to have finally found a good book, one where I can get lost in the story.

There is a character Emmy who early in the book becomes a young widow when her husband Ben is killed in action in the war.

The author writes about Emmy's grief following the death of her husband. Grief is a feeling that encompasses your whole soul. It is intriguing to me to see the many ways others express those feelings of grief with writing. The words are carefully chosen by the author to describe a very personal feeling, but yet with each one, I can fully understand and relate to the feelings shared.

Not far into the story I came across this paragraph:
Her grief was a silent thing-an invisible virus that gnawed at her from the inside but somehow managed to leave the rest of her unscathed. Her reflection was a surprise each time she saw it, expecting to see something withered and gray, or a black hole where her face had once been. Grief became to her like breathing; she couldn't rise or go to sleep without the pressing feel of it against her heart, the weight of it like a suitcase she didn't know how to unpack. Her sleep was dreamless, yet upon waking she'd be sure she'd heard fading footsteps in her bedroom, unsure if they were returning or go away. And each dawn she'd force herself to lie in bed with her eyes closed, hoping to see Ben one last time; hoping he'd tell her which way the footsteps were leading.

I especially connected to the phrase about grief being illustrated as the weight of a suitcase that you don't know how to unpack. One is left to carry that suitcase of grief forever. It is heavy indeed. I have learned in times like last week the case opens itself whether you want it opened or not, and the pain just spills out leaving you exposed to the raw emotions that result. For me personally, I have found such an experience to be rather exhausting. I have also found that this exhaustion takes days if not a full week or so to fully begin to recover from. Yet on other days, even the ok days, the suitcase is with you too. One must carry it everyday for the rest of their lives. It is there that there is such a common misconception among those who love a grieving soul. We carry this suitcase with us all the time and it has become who we are as a person. Speaking about our child (or other loved one specific to each case) doesn't make us remember our loss and cause us to feel sad. You see, the suitcase is already with us. We loved well and therefore, that love for our loved one is with us always, not just when someone brings up the subject of our loss.

It has been three years for me now. Three years since I last held my youngest son in my arms. Most days, time seems like something that makes no sense to me anymore. At times, it feels just like yesterday that my life was changed in such a profound way. In many ways my heart is still very much there in 2008. My senses are still fully awakened to that time if my life with even the smallest of things evoking vivid memories of those days spent in the PICU. Strangely I am also living, and trying to live fully, in 2011. Admittedly, I am still unable to quite figure out how to live in both places at once.

Early in my grief journey I made the mistake of thinking there was some way to get out of carrying this suitcase. I said things to myself like "If only I worked hard enough, looked hard enough at the grief, and spent enough time staring it in the face and not looking away, maybe then it will go away." I mistakingly thought there was a way once and for all to unpack this suitcase, put the suitcase down, put the suitcase away, and walk away- forever. "I don't like this suitcase and I don't have a use for something like this is my life" seemed like a statement that would so often play over and over in mind.

Time...heals all wounds. I heard this over and over until I wanted to vomit. I wanted so badly for someone to tell me WHEN it would stop hurting, almost like it would be bearable if I just knew and could visualize a stopping point. It hurts so badly that I would and probably would still do ANYTHING to make it stop. Now, three years later, that very same pain is very much still there, the difference now is that I have just begun to accept that I will carry this suitcase for the rest of my life, like it or not. Acceptance. I am succeeding more and more each day with the ability not to spend too much of my precious energy fighting what cannot be changed. Against my will, I have learned the skills needed to carry this suitcase. It is heavy and sometimes, like at the present time, I will just sit down with the suitcase and rest for awhile. Sometimes the suitcase is open and raw emotion is exposed and sometimes the case is closed and the emotion resides privately within my soul. However, like it or not, the suitcase is with me for the duration of my life here on earth. I still don't know how to unpack this suitcase and I'm not sure if I ever will. Maybe I don't want to.

Pretty Ice Cubes

2011-06-14T09:02:00.002-04:00

Ahh another simple joy of summer, pretty ice cubes!
I love to add a little Zazz to my ice in the summer when the mint in my yard is growing and summer fruits are readily available. I slice up a lemon into thin slices and then cut them in smaller pieces. I chop up the mint coarsely or sometimes I leave the leaves whole. You can customize the ice cubes to your liking. Mix it up and do what you like...

lemon ice
mint ice
lemon mint ice
lemon blueberry ice
lemon blueberry mint ice
peach and mint
you get the idea

The water is refreshing and looks pretty too!
Enjoy.

Summer Reading

2011-06-12T22:40:00.005-04:00

It's no secret that I LOVE to read. I have been itching for a good story to sink into for awhile now. I finally had the oppotunity to read The Help a few months ago and enjoyed every word, except the ending. I didn't want to finish reading the story. You see while I was enjoying the story so much, the ending snuck up on me and I wasn't prepared for it to end. Perhaps it may have had something to do with the fact that the majority of this book was read late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. This winter I gave up sleep in exchange for giving my son his treatments for his asthma. After the treaments I was either unable to fall asleep right away or I was filled with a wee bit of Mama's worry and couldn't sleep. The moments passed a little more peacefully with a good book in hand...

So here I am a few months later and I am itching for another good book to read. A few summers back you may remember I had asked for your suggestions but also listed several criteria to follow. I was fragile.

Fast forward three years...I am still fragile. However, I have lightened up a little on my reading criteria. I have recently picked up a few books that I thought I would like but ended up not liking them at all. It was painful to do but I actually returned them to the library without finishing them.

I think I may have finally found a book that I will enjoy. Sweet joy...Simple Joy...

One my nightstand at the present time:
Folly Beach by Karen White and
The Fitting Room by Kelly Minter

What is on your nightstand? Do you have a summer reading list? If so, please share!

A Letter to Our Forest Friends

2011-06-12T22:33:00.002-04:00

Dear Deer and Friends,

The sunflower seeds have been planted this year. We politely request that you leave them alone. You may not realize this but they are actually quite meaningful to our family. We have prepared to place nets around our garden to keep you out. Please find your food, snacks, and other treats elsewhere. Thank you!

With Grateful Hearts,
Our Family

endings

2011-06-03T20:08:00.002-04:00

Pausing today to think about many of the endings that are present in my life this week. Some come with warning and some do not. Some are welcomed and some are not.(I am sounding a bit like Seuss...insert lighthearted pause into heavy thoughts)

This week two more children finished school for the year. Ahh, the official start of summer, never mind what the seasonal calendar says. If you'll indulge me, the last child, the youngest, well he graduated LIFE with honors. Major life events have and always will trigger powerful emotions within my soul as I continue to grieve what could have/would have been for Jeremy. They each signify another event that we will never experience with Jeremy. Each individual event beckons our full attention to the current place in time, but my heart can't help but to wander to a place in my imagination where I wonder for just a moment...what if??? What would our family snapshot look like now if he were here on this earth?

This school year was challenging and yet because of that, yielded great rewards. We couldn't be more happy with the school that our children attend and happen to think that their school experience is unique in many ways and unparalleled to other educational options. All of our children have had amazing teachers that have each left their mark of influence over my children for the rest of their lives. It was a blessing to have each of them become a part of my children's lives. So when the tears flowed on Friday of this week and Wednesday of last week, they were mostly evidence of the emotions of pride, love, gratitude, and joy. Honestly last week's tears at the Closing Chapel of our third child, evoked many more emotions but some of those feelings I will keep in my personal vault for now. It was overall a school year that was filled with academic, emotional, and spiritual growth for all.

Little one graduating life with honor, well that happened this week in history too. What a range of emotion for one Mama's heart. More on that another time, maybe...

If you have been reading here for awhile, you know that I have been watching and enjoying the television series Friday Night Lights for some now. There is just but ONE episode left remaining in the final season. I almost can't bear to watch it. Compared to my life story, this ending really pales in comparison. None the less, I really have enjoyed watching this show and it has allowed me to check out from my real life dramas and offered a desired and valued distraction.

On that note, there are some other much more serious endings happening in my life as well. Endings to things that are very personal to me and also to others that are near and dear to me. They have taken the form of many things. Some are even endings to things in which good things will result, thus perhaps sounding better as CHANGE. When endings are near, maybe certain, maybe not, maybe planned, maybe not, one thing is for certain. It is scary to think of where we might put our next foot down. What will life look like when we pass through this next phase, climb over this mountain, or when this current storm passes? Don't we all crave that sense of perceived control and the security that control provides? Well, guess what? We lack that very sense of control over every aspect of our lives that we so deeply desire. We don't always get what we want. Good things do happen in life, but bad things also happen. Bad things sometimes happen to good people, they happen for no reason at all. Bad things that have no explanation on this side of heaven.

The endings in their sheer number and profound emotion weight this week have caused my stomach to ache a bit and my heart to ache alot. I have allowed the circumstances and not my faith to be in the drivers seat of my feelings in response to these events. Haven't I learned anything?

I took some deep breaths and remembered this quote that has meant something to me for some time now. It is a good one to keep close at heart for now.

“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
-Edward Teller

So I will close tonight knowing that while it might hurt like **** I will find new ground to stand on or new wings with which to fly.

Life is filled with changes. That is a fact of life. Today will not be today tomorrow. Eventually, I will get used to it.

Margarita Grilled Shrimp

2011-06-02T06:56:00.002-04:00

I am way behind. Swapped meals awhile ago and wanted to share the recipe I made this month. Can you tell someone was dreaming of summer?

Margarita Grilled Shrimp:

Ingredients:

1/4 cup tequila

2 tablespoons of lime juice

zest of one lime

1/4 cup thinly sliced green onion

1/4 cup finely chopped cilantro

1 small jalapeno, minced

1 teaspoon of salt

2 tablespoons canola oil

2 pounds shrimp peeled and deveined

Directions:

Place ingredients for marinating the shrimp in a bowl or plastic bag. Add shrimp and stir or shake to coat. Refrigerate and marinade for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat grill or broiler. If using skewers soak them in cool water until needed.

Thread shrimp onto skewers not packing them too tightly so they will cook evenly.

Place shrimp on the grill or under the broiler and cook for a total of 5 to 6 minutes or until pink and firm, turning at least once. Remove from heat.
Discard marinade.

Prepare a bed of greens and tomatoes on each plate. Whisk together 4 tablespoons of good olive oil, 1 tablespoon of lime juice, and 1 tablespoon of tequila to make a yummy salad dressing which will compliment the shrimp. (ADULTS only for sure) Pour the dressing over the greens and tomatoes to lightly coat the salad. Plate the shrimp skewers on top of the salad.

Serves 4-6 or 25 appetizers.

I am thinking I will serve this meal with margaritas for sure!

I am hungry and dreaming of a fun night just writing this post.
Recipe from The Outer Banks Cookbook by Elizabeth Weigand

Happy Summer!

Summer is Almost Here

2011-05-31T07:10:00.000-04:00

This little guy finished school and the other two will follow at the end of the week! Summer is here! Is it me or did this school year fly by?

Yeah! I am looking forward to a slower pace...also looking forward to:
lemonade
lemonade stands
swimming
days and nights spent at the pool
catching fireflies
roasting marshmallows for smores
vacations
corn on the cob
my summer book list
wearing flip flops
the farmers market
the beach
iced coffee
day trips
bubbles
sprinklers
sunflowers
read alouds
going to the farm to pick our own fruit and vegetables
going to the zoo and other day trips with the kids

Here We Go...I need to mentally prepare myself as summer also brings the adjustment of having everyone home again all day, every day! Yeah and Oh My...all at the same time!

Not looking forward to the grocery store shopping with three kids in tow. AHHH
I am still working on our summer plans trying to schedule a few things and also trying to let things go loose for a few months too.

Anyone else want to share their fun ideas for summer? What are looking forward to? What is a summer must do for you or your family?

Father's Day part 2

2011-05-30T11:04:00.002-04:00

So the sale for the Father's Day cards is until tomorrow 5/31. If you want to make a card, go to the Tiny Prints website. Make a Father's Day card. The promo code won't work on other cards. Choose the option where you ship the card to yourself first to get free shipping. You can even add your return address and the recipient's address for free. To sweeten the deal, for the cost of a stamp, Tiny Prints will even add a stamp for you. I can't speak enough about the quality of these cards. I would pay the 3.99 regular price but they are definitely worth the sale price for sure. Where it asks for the promo code, add DOD0526 and it will adjust the price to 99 cents plus tax and the cost of the stamp if you choose. Free Shipping, that's a steal! Did I mention that you can personalize with your own photos??? Go now and check out this deal before it is too late!

In Bloom

2011-05-29T08:05:00.000-04:00

Gardening has grown to become a hobby that I really enjoy. I love to sit out on the deck at night and enjoy the view of our yard. Each year I have tried to plant a new perennial and they were all started as tiny little plants. It has taken many years but some of them are really taking off now and I am enjoying their splendor.

We did some work to our deck recently which we hope will enhance our outdoor enjoyment this summer. Ok, I'll rephrase, we added some new furniture to our deck. The work to our deck still needs to be done...hopefully that will happen soon. Splinters are no fun!

Father's Day Cards

2011-05-28T11:03:00.002-04:00

I found a great place to make personalized Mother's Day cards this year for $1 each. I loved making them myself and using our own pictures to make them personal. There were a ton of options to choose from and the quality was really good. The website even allows you to address the envelope for free too! I loved that these cards were personalized and that they cost less than the ones at Hallmark!

I just found out that they are having the same promotion for Father's Day this year too. Run on over to Tiny prints and make yours today. Trust me you won't be disappointed!

This is only good through 11 am EST on 5/27 so act quickly.
Updated: EXTENDED TO 5/31

All Father’s Day cards that are normally $3.99 are only $1 with the code DOD0526.

Just go to Tiny Prints, select your card and use the code DOD0526 at check-out. Be sure to have it sent to you at home to get FREE shipping.

The Bbs of May

2011-05-16T17:59:00.005-04:00

Bb is for Ballet...
Bb is also for Baseball for two of the special little guys in my life! Ballet has ended but baseball is in full swing. Swim team practice starts next week too!

These are just a few reasons that I am always on the go and worn out. It would also be a major reason why I haven't posted here for some time now!

Like a Lake...

2011-05-15T08:47:00.001-04:00

Sara Groves wrote a song called Like a Lake.

This song is really comforting to me right now because it speaks so clearly of the pain that I carry in my heart. Saying farewell to one of my children here on earth is a pain so very deep and consuming. I carry a pain that will never go away. It may soften on some days but it can also grow in size on other days so that it is all I can see. I will never be the same. I will never return to that person that I once was. I am someone forever changed. I am still learning to get acquainted with this new me.

Yet this song also speaks of the hope that I resides within my heart as well. There was a day in June that will forever be etched into my heart. It was the first time that I had held my son in over 70 days and it was also the last day that I would ever hold him in my arms ever again on this side of heaven. It was a day that I will never forget or get over. On that day I held Jeremy until the moment when he let go of my hand and leapt into the arms of Jesus. I refused then and I still refuse now to allow this experience to make me a bitter person. So it is with great sadness in my heart and with such a deep hurt that I fight the ways of this world and rather yield and curl into the arms of my savior to seek comfort in His grace and in His presence. It isn't easy but I choose to stay wide open like a lake for Him to fill me with His presence and with His grace for the moment. I open my heart to His direction and His will for my life. For me, it is the only way to go on without Jeremy here on earth. So I go on one foot in front of the other hoping in my Lord that He will indeed restore my heart and bring glory through this tragedy.

I will not deny that this experience of letting go of a child is the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. Sometimes I often wonder if I have the strength to go on, yet just when I feel as though I have nothing left, the Lord meets me there. Not a moment too soon. It is there in that moment that I find the grace to go on. There is an amazement that follows each and every time when the Lord makes His presence known to me. It is that intimate time with the Lord that reassures me of His love for me, even in the midst of this pain. His presence in my life fills me with peace like nothing else on earth.

I don't need to understand. I don't need to ask why? I don't need to look any farther than to the cross and give my broken heart to Him to restore in His time and His ways. One day I will see the glory of it all.

My favorite devotional,by Kristin Armstrong, reminded me today that "if given the choice would I take the shortcut if the finest view lies just a few more miles away? When healing is at stake, it is best to take my time through it. Rushing through it will only postpone the real work that must be done. The Lord will teach me how to wait for His best with grace and with hopeful expectancy."

So here I am doing my best today to remain open.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

You can listen to Sara's song here. Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the blog screen first.

Like a Lake by Sara Groves

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake

Stopping to Smell the Roses

2011-05-13T13:32:00.004-04:00

It's been another week where if I am not careful I can get very caught up into the fast forward pace of life. I don't like living like this. I feel like every minute is accounted for and there are multiple events falling on the same day causing the Mr. and I to divide and conquer and then reconvene later. Most of you know exactly what I am talking about, after all, it is the month of May. I am doing all I can to keep up and still can't get it together.

I stood still the other day and remembered that most of the stuff that was stressing me out really wasn't important anyway. The boys can wear dirty baseball pants since they are stained up anyway. No one will know that their pants have been worn for two games. It doesn't really matter whether we have a gourmet meal or a bowl of cereal for dinner. It doesn't matter if the laundry gets worn right out of the laundry basket because we haven't had time to put it away. It doesn't really matter if the kids get to bed a few minutes later than usual or if our usual dinner hour is changed on a nightly basis. None of this really matters. I could go on but you get the point.

Life can unexpectedly come to a screeching halt at any given time. When it does all of these things that we think are so very important suddenly just aren't so anymore. We have had that experience in life. When life hands you a life altering experience, you quickly learn what really matters and what is important in life. Somehow, as I remembered that experience the other day, it reminded me that I can and will do all I can to be prepared for the many demands of each day, but in the end, this stressful time will pass. I am not to get my feathers ruffled about this mundane stuff. I just need to do the best I can each day and grace will cover the rest. I was also reminded to try and not let the stress eat up and rob me of the joy to be found in all of the good stuff of each day. For example, I am not willing to give up that snuggle time with my kids. The dishes will wait in the sink. I will take time out to watch the sun set, eat a popsicle on the porch, and to give thanks for all of our blessings.

In the mean time...I am taking a minute out from our crazy schedule to STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES...

I have much to be grateful for in life. Those are the things that matter.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-08T21:28:00.002-04:00

"Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us."

Sheri L. Dew

222

2011-05-06T22:02:00.003-04:00

I sit here at the computer still in awe tonight. My heart is filled with such gratitude for all of you and what has been accomplished. Amazing things have happened these last few weeks leading up to today and even more amazing things will happen this weekend.

222 Mother's Day bags were filled this year!

There are 182 pediatric beds in the Children's Center.

199 bags made their way to the hospital this year.

There are enough bags so that every mom in the Children's Center will get a bag this year. There are a few extra for the staff to dispense at their discretion. Maybe the ER will have a few moms that could use some sunshine. Maybe a mom will be discharged but could use a little love...I am trusting they will get where they need to go.

There are 15 rooms in the respite facility where we stayed a few years ago. These moms will be receiving bags as well. One extra bag was given here for same reasons.

There are 7 apartments housing families here for long term treatment.
These moms will be receiving their bags this weekend as well.

222!

Many prayed.
Many donated time, talents, and treasures for these bags.
Many hands stuffed these bags.
Many hands transported them in various ways to get them into the hands of these Moms.
Many hearts have been profoundly touched already, including mine.
Many hearts have loved these moms who are facing tough times.
Many hearts will hopefully be cheered by the kindness and love of strangers.

Can you just close your eyes and imagine every single mom in the Children's Center holding one of these bags in their hands on Mother's Day? What a beautiful image.
It's an image that causes tears of joy to stream to flow down my cheeks. This image will soften the pain in my heart as I face Mother's Day without one of my precious children here on earth. I pray this image also softens the pain in the hearts of my dear friends and grieving mama's who have walked this journey with me. I pray for others who are also hurting and gave from their hearts to bless others. May God fill those places of hurt and of sadness with His peace.

There have been very touching stories shared and entrusted to me along the way and they have all deeply touched my heart.

Thank you for treasuring the gifts in front of you in your lives. May those be the gifts that fill your hearts with the true spirit of joy and happiness this weekend and always.

Many thanks from my most grateful heart to each and every one of yours that made this experience possible this year.

We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

Dreams

2011-05-06T00:20:00.002-04:00

Going to bed.
It's 12:30 a.m.

I will rest well.
Thought you might like to know that together we stuffed 222 bags this year!

...And she slept while dreams of Mother's Day Bags danced in her head.
Visions of each and every mother who will spend Mother's Day at this one hospital with her child receiving a bag is quite a thought. I am filled with such immense gratitude.

You did this. You made this possible. Thanks be to God. Thank you all.

I'll be back tomorrow with pictures.

Mother's Day Bags Update

2011-05-05T07:51:00.002-04:00

I went to bed speechless and in awe. A few girlfriends surprised me and came over last night to help me stuff the bags, another friend helped me the night before, and there are a few more helpers scheduled to shop or come over to help stuff today.

To date, 188 bags have been stuffed and there is still more to do. It is looking very likely that we will reach a number of over 200 bags this year. This is amazing! Reaching this goal means that it is very likely that almost every mother of a child in the Children's center will get a Mother's Day bag on Sunday. I have all of you to thank. Thank you for sharing in this project with me, thank you for sharing it with your friends and family, thank you for each and every way that your hands and hearts have helped.

See, now you are speechless too.

Thank you. I am most grateful. As the tears flow, I will close and get on to getting my little ones out the door for school today, all the while giving thanks for their health. I'll be back with more updates soon.

Big Appetites

2011-05-03T13:21:00.004-04:00

Ran into our local Walmart after school yesterday. I only needed a few things but as usual, I left with way more than was on my list. The kids were with me and asking every 30 secs. if we could buy this or that. I can't put all the blame on them though since I am notorious for not sticking to the list, and the budget. Ahem.

Budget?

I am having a hard time with this one lately. I think everyone in our house is in the midst of a growth spurt or something. All I know is this box of cereal entered our home around 5 p.m. yesterday.

We did not eat cereal for dinner last night. When cereal was on the menu for breakfast this morning, I placed this same box on the kitchen table. Imagine my surprise when I lifted out the bag to find this...

Some of you may be reading this and laughing because you have been here and done that, some of you are walking that same walk with me now, and others of you just plain and simple are not envying my grocery bill right now, a better her than me kind of laugh.

I think I may need to up my grocery shopping to 2x per week.

Anyone out there in blog land have any advice for me? Any cereal coupons?
All joking aside, I really wish I had the skills of those super coupon shopping moms without the 30-40 hours a week that they claim it takes to be successful at couponing. It isn't just cereal, it is food in general. I know, everyone tells me that it only gets worse as they get older. I guess I better get back to Walmart...

Pit Stop

2011-04-29T17:33:00.004-04:00

Our house feels like a pit stop this week. I have been on the Go -Go. Can you relate? There have been doctor appointments, school activities, dance schedule changes, baseball games and practices. What a busy week.

Today we have spent a few minutes this morning just getting back on track. Picking up piles, putting laundry away, checking e-mail, etc. We're getting there.

Thanks for the many emails regarding the Mother's Day project. I will be getting back to those that offered to help stuff as that will need to take place this week. I am thinking that it will take place a little each day as that seemed to work successfully last year. It's a good way to match up schedules since everyone's schedule seems to be like mine this time of year.

I'm also really excited about all of the donations that have been coming in this week. Some more was dropped off this morning as well. In addition, thank you to those of you who alerted me to expect packages in the mail this week.As you know, it will all come together to make something quite grand.

There is still time and still a great need for items to be donated. I am planning to make the donation to the facilities at the later part of the week. I would welcome any donations at this point in time. Let your heart lead the way. As you are making plans to celebrate Mother's Day with your families, take a moment to remember a Mom who will spending hers at the hospital with her sick child. This mom surely won't have the same kind of cheerful day that most us will. This mom will will be grateful for your kind compassion, prayers, and thoughtfulness.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

Saturday

2011-04-23T20:58:00.005-04:00

There's this book by Pete Wilson out of Nashville, it's called Plan B: What To Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? Great book. My copy is dog eared, underlined, highlighted, you name it.

This passage is so dear to my heart tonight, especially tonight. If you happen to own this book it is written on page 167. If you don't own this book, well then, follow my my heart a bit tonight.

The author talks in this chapter about power and hope. Pete Wilson talks about when Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and how the despair of His disciples continues into Saturday, not arguing of course that Easter Sunday is filled with celebration as Jesus conquers death for our sins.

But Saturday...Pete Wilson opens our minds to some interesting thoughts. He says, "Saturday, a day when nothing seems to be happening. It's a day of questioning, doubting, wondering, and definitely waiting. It's the day of helplessness and hopelessness. It's a day when we wonder if God is asleep at the wheel or simply powerless to do anything about our problems.

Is it possible, though, that Saturday is actually a day of preparation? Is it possible God's getting ready to do his best work in us? That's exactly what was happening on that Saturday after Jesus' crucifixion. Saturday was the day God was engineering a resurrection.

Pete continues, You may be in the midst of a horrible, out of control situation. You feel as if God is not there, that there's nothing that can be done. But here is the message of the gospel for you while you are stuck in your helpless, hopeless, Saturday life: God does His best work in hopeless situations.

We worship a God who specializes in resurrections. He specializes in hopeless situations. After all, he conquered death-the ultimate hopeless situation-so you could have life.

His followers were dejected and dismal and hopeless, and then Jesus rose from the dead. God did the impossible, and in a matter of hours, the disciples journeyed from hopeless to hope-filled. From powerless to powerful. They saw him risen, and everything changed. ...good for us. Good for me. Good for you. Good for anyone who is in desperate need of hope today.

...there are two kinds of hope in this world. One is hoping for something and the other is hoping in someone.

...life is uncertain, God is not. While our power is limited, God's is limitless. He still has the whole world in His hands. While our hope may be fragile, God is hope himself. Your world may feel chaotic, but no doubt about it God is still in control. And one way or another, Sunday is about to dawn."

Simply stated that is powerful. If this touched your heart in some way, get the book, you won't be disappointed.

Rolling With It...

2011-04-23T08:56:00.002-04:00

Plans change. It is a fact of life every day. The kids have been off from school for spring break. It has been yet another time when I have really had to let go of my control over life and realize that things don't always go according to plan.

Way back when we were scribbling the days off from school on the new school calendar, we had thought it would be a great time to scoot off to the beach.
Fast forward many months and into the thick of our lives, and it turned out not be the best time to scoot off to the beach afterall.

The lessons of life come and they go...While I talk the talk, do I walk the walk?
I have definately been disappointed about the way our week has turned out. In the usual pattern of my life I have worn myself out emotionally trying to keep proper perspective and balancing that in some way it is probably normal to feel disappointed. My new mantra " There are worse things in life than...." but am sad that we are here and not digging our toes in the sand.

I am guilty of allowing the "comparing to others" habit settle into my thoughts. Those are never good. In the fruit basket, we are all different and there's no point to comparing apples to oranges. They will come up different every time.

The road we are currently traveling on is painful and evoking lots of emotion in that every where we turn, we see reminders of Jeremy, what once was, and even worse, what could have been. I guess it is just that time of year. The only difference this year is that I have finally given in the fact that fighting and dragging my feet wont' keep those emotions away. I have learned to roll with it, and to just simply embrace the pain that is here. It is our life...

This too shall pass.

In the words of a wise soul, Andrew Murray, written way back in the year 1895. The truth of his words still inspires and gives comfort to the souls of today.

In time of trouble, say, "First he brought me here. It is by His will I am in this strait place; in that I will rest." Next, "He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace in this trial to behave as His child." Then say, "He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow." And last say, "In His good time He can bring me out again. How and when, He knows." Therefore, I say, "I am here (1) by God's appointment, (2)in His keeping, (3)under His training, (4) for His time."

47... What a Way to Kick Things Off!

2011-04-18T20:48:00.007-04:00

A few months ago, I was contacted by a friend, prayer warrior, and a faithful supporter of the Mother's Day Bag project. She wondered if her local MOPS group would in some way have a part in the project this year. I was amazed. Moms helping other Moms, such a beautiful thought. Yes, I agreed it was indeed a good match for sure...

We met for coffee and talked things over. She took all the information back to the other leaders of her organization. I was invited to speak at their meeting to talk more about our foundation, how this project came to be, and how they, as a group, might be able to help make the Mother's Day Bag project a success this year.

Sickness invaded our home and I was unable to make that scheduled appearance to speak. God prevailed through my dear friend as she conveyed the utterings of my heart about this mission of the Mother's Day bags to her fellow friends and moms in this group. In the end, she won over the hearts of the moms in her organization in my absence. In response, this group of women amazingly prepared FORTY SEVEN complete bags that are ready to be delivered on Mother's Day! I was completely unprepared for the response that I received. I was surprised and speechless. This MOPS group filled these bags with such love and compassion. I could feel myself just filling up with tears of joy and amazement as we carried the bags from her van into my home. These bags are beautiful, they look amazing, and they all smell so comforting. Funny how this experience of mine evokes such a sensory experience.

I was feeling a bit behind schedule with everyone so sick in our house and yet, with their support, somehow, I managed to come out ahead of schedule. Wow!

When I spoke with my contact at Hopkins, she mentioned the possibility of providing a bag to each and every patient room in the Children's Center. Can it be done? Well, I can certainly try! I have seen with my own eyes this very goal set and met with another project this past Christmas and so I know it can be done. I will pray and rest in God's will about this project for this year. One thing is for sure, each and every bag will indeed bless a mom in need of this love and compassion this Mother's Day. This is a good thing for sure.

I will say that I started the week with a wonderful and warm response to this project. I was contacted by two friends of friends, whom I have never met, who would like to particpate this year. How wonderful is that? Thank you for telling your friends and family and spreading the word about his project. Thank you for your part in making this amazing project become a reality! I could not do it without you all, each and every one!

A special thank you to the MOPS moms who gave so generously this year! Thanks for helping us to get off to such a good start this year! You are such an inspiration! Look what happens when we all work together for the greater good of others! Amazing things can happen and the outcome of that gift is an unending ripple effect of goodness.

That in itself is a good place to close for now. I'll rest in that image of goodness prevailing in a world where pain and suffering are very real but also where human hearts can and do offer love and support to the hearts of the hurting. It does matter and it does make a difference.

Mother's Day Bag Project 2011

2011-04-14T08:49:00.003-04:00

These adorable and festive bags have been purchased and are now ready to fill with gifts that will bless the mothers who will spend Mother's Day at the hospital this year. This has been an annual event for the last few years and each year it has been a tremendous success. A blessed experience for sure.

I am reposting what I wrote last year as I invited others to join me in this project.
Most of the information still applies. What has changed is the total number of bags needed. The PICU has increased in capacity to 32 beds, in preparation for the new unit that will be opening soon. I would also like to provide bags to the mothers at the respite facilities that we have continued to support on an ongoing basis, as well as to the Pediatric Oncology unit. That brings my goal number of bags to 80 this year. Last year we were able to provide 104 gift bags and I wonder what number we will fill this year? My plans are to donate these bags one unit at a time. I feel strongly that I must provide a bag to each mother on an entire unit so that no one is left out. My heart wonders if this will be the year that we can supply over 200 bags which would cover the whole Children's Center. Wouldn't that be something? Only God knows the answer to that question.

Without further reading, here is what was written last year:

Some may read this post title and have a memory of last year and therefore have a sense of what I am trying to accomplish. Those of you who are new, stay tuned, I will do my best to post in more detail later. In the meantime, you could also search the archives, and read all about the Mother"s Day bags from last year. Be inspired...

The retail market has already begun weeks ago gearing up for Mother's Day. Some of you out there in blog world may have even begun to make plans for their own special day, perhaps maybe a brunch, a picnic lunch, dinner, a spa treatment, scrapbook event, the sky is the limit. Chances are, none of us would plan to spend Mother's Day sitting at the bedside of a sick child in the hospital. Sadly, that is exactly where many moms will indeed spend their Mother's Day. For some, it may even be their first Mother's Day and they will spend it with their child in the hospital. There will also be the Moms who spend Mother's Day wondering if their child will even survive. Not too long ago, this was my very experience and so I know all too well what these mothers will be feeling.

I know this is a truth many of us here in the comfort of our own homes would rather not think about, but the world I am describing is real and it will exist this year on Mother's Day this year too. I am deeply invested in making a difference of the hearts of these mothers. Will you help me?

I have had difficulty of my own keeping my head above water with so much going on...more on that later. I keep thinking, I'll post that information about the Mother's Day project tomorrow." Well...if I keep up this speed, I'll never be able to pull it off. Mother's Day is quickly approaching! Yikes!

I would love to create bags again this year to deliver to the Moms who will be staying at the Respite House and also for the Moms of the PICU children. I would love to give even more bags than that, but only God knows how it will play out this year. Will you consider helping me? The ways to help with this project are endless.
Could you help contribute an item to be placed in 41 bags? Could you help financially support the purchase of items to be placed in the bags? This could be pennies and all the way up...EVERY little bit helps us spread those RAYS OF SUNSHINE! Could you make cards to give to the Moms? Could you help stuff the bags with the items? Could you provide pretty pastel colored tissue paper? Could you pray for these mothers who will spend Mother's Day with their child in the hospital. Do you have other suggestions? See... the sky really is the limit.

This project was a tremendous success last year and I am eager to see what will happen this year. I am late getting started but I know I can pull it off with the help of my faithful prayer warriors and supporters. These bags will be such a blessing to so many moms who could use a little love and compassion on Mother's Day.

So, will you help me again this year? Will you prayerfully consider one of the many ways that you could make a difference in the the lives of these mothers? If you helped me last year, will you help me again this year? Can I count on you to help me keep this going? Maybe you are new to this project. Could you help in some way, big or small this year?

Some suggestions for the bags would include:

small notebooks
pens
word puzzles
candy
tea
coffee
snacks ( granola bars, trail mix, Nutragrain Bars, etc.)
lip gloss
hand lotion
bath gel
small bottles of nail polish/nail polish remover
WISP toothbrushes from Colgate
hand sanitizer
music
notes of encouragement
mints
gum
books
beauty items (perfume and make up items)
disposable cameras
chocolate
tissues
...you get the idea. Target and Michaels have a lovely selection of items that would make a great addition to the bags. Last year we had some amazing additions to the bags, and so I encourage you to be creative!

I wonder...how many bags will we be able to fill this year?

How can you get the donations to me?

There will be a container parked on my porch to collect donations.
You can mail any monetary donations to me as well to put towards the project.
If you know me in the real world, I will happily and ever so gratefully accept donations out and about in my daily life...

If you do not know me in the real world, could you leave a comment with your
contact information? Someone will reach you in the near future.

With a Grateful Heart,

Turkey Cutlets With Rosemary Tomato Sauce

2011-04-12T09:23:00.003-04:00

This month's meal swap was held last night. Here is the recipe that I made. I have never had it before but all of the ingredients seemed to go well together and are flavors that my family typically enjoys. It was published in the Best Of Cooking Light Recipes which gave me a bit more confidence in making a meal that I have personally never tried before. I also searched for a recipe that could be prepared somewhat quickly now that spring has arrived and all of the activities that come with this season really alter our dinner times as a family. My oven is also acting up so I am having to use the stove top more often.

If there are any others out there that are making meals and freezing them for later use, I would love to hear about your tried and true recipes.

Now I will get back to taking care of another sick child. Really. I am so done with sickness in our house.

The Tree

2011-04-10T19:46:00.000-04:00

I spend a good bit of time in the car driving here and there.
Today on my way to pick up my kids at school, I was stopped at a red light and this tree caught my attention. At first glance, I thought it was an ugly, overgrown tree that was in desperate need of a little pruning. I didn't give it much more attention than that but something about it beckoned me to keep looking...Funny how a few seconds while waiting for the light to change gave me just the time I needed for a quick walk with my Savior. I just love how He shows up in my life like this.

This tree is ugly.
This world makes me ugly too, imperfect in the perfect ways that God created me to be.

This tree is in desperate need of pruning.
Just like this very tree, I am in desperate and constant need of pruning to help me become to person God created and intended me to be. Sometimes I understand the pruning and sometimes I don't.

This tree has life which is evidenced by the vast amount of greenery growing.
I too have the gift of life today. This life, even with all the hardships that I have been facing in recent weeks, is my miracle in the making. What have I done with that miracle of life today? Have I given thanks for the mere gift of my life and the simply blessing of being alive and healthy when so many are not? Have I made the most of this gift today?

This tree is well established here on the hill and is deeply rooted.
I am well established in my own ways trying to make a run of my life, more times than not,on my own terms. At this current place in my life, I am learning and giving better attempts to seek God's will prior to trying to run things on my own. I am also deeply rooted in my Lord and Savior. He is my anchor in the storms of life. I may feel flattened by the storms and feel as if I lack the strength to go on,but in reality,the Lord has me safe right in the palm of His hand. It is only when I fully fold into His will for me that I even begin to see that glimpse of this truth. I am blinded by His supernatural power and strength when I try to define God and dictate to Him my demands for the outcomes and even the timing for such circumstances of trouble or difficult nature to resolve. While I may blow and sway from side to side, I am deeply rooted and never forsaken. My roots thirst for God's grace and His power to be made perfect in my times of weakness. What a amazing gift when I am able to humble myself to see that power!

The next one was the most profound nudge. This tree looks as if the branches are turning upwards toward the heavens. Looking at the picture now doesn't seem to match the image I saw with my eyes.
Life on earth has a way of weighing us down at times. This is indeed the way that I am feeling right now as a result of recent events that have happened to both our immediate and extended family and friends. There's more happening than what I have shared here about my own child. These events were really eating at me and I felt as if I wanted to shout, ENOUGH! Who am I kidding? I still do. God took this moment to remind me I am not in charge here. He is. God wants a relationship with me and He wants me to cast my worries, concerns, and sadness upon Him. He wants me to leave them at the foot of the cross and trust that He will take care of things according to His will. The last time that I checked, God did not ask me if I would agree with Him and His ways. A gentle reminder... "Amy, turn your palms over and give it ALL to me. Stop trying to hold it tightly with a clenched fist. Let it go.You do not control over these circumstances. I am in control. Be still my child. I have entrusted much to you. Do that, and do it well. I have entrusted others to complete yet other tasks that are different from yours. Let me do the rest. Be still and know that I am God. Give your heart to me. I will walk beside you through it all and I will never leave you. I will carry you through the storms of life and I will deliver you to a safe place in my own time."

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Praying that I will let go tonight and get out of the way to let Him instead.
Thank you for the prayers. My heart is so very, very grateful.

Home

2011-04-04T13:43:00.002-04:00

A quick update to let y'all know that we are home from the hospital.
Thank you or the prayers, phone calls, e-mails, texts, cards, and support.

Please continue to pray for the little guy to be completely healed and restored back to full health and soon. We have lots of follow up appointments and so I will ask for continued wisdom and discernment for the doctors to know the best way possible to treat our sweet guy and also to map out a preventative plan to better manage his asthma in the future. Thank you.

Let the catching up begin!

Battle Zone

2011-04-02T16:35:00.003-04:00

Greetings from a inpatient pediatric hospital room. :( Also known as the Battle Zone.
If you can bear with me, this post is all over the place, you'll see what I mean by Battle Zone.

We landed here a few days ago after visiting the doctor to find out some better strategies for coping with and managing a little one's asthma. We didn't make it very far into the appointment when they realized that said child's oxygen level wasn't good. Given his previous medical history and the current illness invading his little body, everyone was in agreement that we needed some care that could only be obtained at the hospital.

It's been a whirlwind since then.

Let's start by saying that no one likes to come to the hospital with their child.
It's scary.

Add in the fact that we are grieving parents who have already faced some of the most traumatic experiences in the hospital. Statistics take on a whole other meaning to us now. The "I don't think this is the case but let's rule it out" isn't so reassuring....nothing is ordinary anymore. Nothing is routine. EVERYTHING is scary and has the potential of turning nightmarish. There are triggers from the past that zoom you out of reality and the present in a flash.

Not to get higher up on my soapbox, BUT, add in the fact that we just so happened to come in on the VERY DAY in history that Jeremy got sick and went into cardiac arrest while in my arms, and now we are on overload. It's just too much. We are in a place where triggers are looming with every moment that passes. The strength to rise above them all and keep our heads above water is growing more and more difficult.

It is a battle zone here.

Little one is thankfully stable but taking his good ole time getting better. Longer than we would all like to see given all that is on board with treatment. There have been a few scary moments but all in all, he is stable and responding to treatment at least and not getting worse. Lots of docs have been involved and more in consultation which is reassurring. Truth be told, I'd still not like to be here.

Trying to see sunshine.
Trying to hold to my faith and pray often.
Trying to remain grateful for our gifts even in the midst of the storm.
Trying to reach out to folks for encouragement and strength
Trying to see the opportunities here...for what I am unsure...
Trying to keep perspective...could be worse
Trying to stay positive

Failing a little at the moment with all of the above.
Feeling weakened emotionally.
Tired of a lot...
Falling prey to too many painful triggers from the past, and while this could be understood, it still doesn't feel good, and I want so badly for them to go away.
So, So, sad that the stress is mounting and it is visable within every member of our family. Feeling just a bit sorry for myself at the prsent time.

Just needed to get that all of my chest.
Sad
depressing
but the complete truth
I am human.
I am real.
It is what it is.

Scared to complain since overall things could be so much worse and they aren't. No longer naive to the notion that it can all change on a dime. Nothing is for certain.

In need of a lot more hand holding than I'd like...

It's a battle zone and I am tired of fighting. Hoping for some serious sunshine in coming days.

Putting my faith in the Lord to fill me with strength that my earthly body lacks. I will ask for the supernatural strength that only God can deliver during these times of trials.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will He not also,along with him, graciously give us all things.
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:31-32

It's a battle zone but...
I'm still fighting with God on my side.

Dear Germs

2011-03-29T18:29:00.002-04:00

Dear Germs,

I regret to inform you that you will need to pack up your things and move on from our house. Come to think of it, we did not invite you. You have not been a good guest in our home. You have caused much disruption to our normal routine and most of our family members to feel very ill since the beginning of February. You have caused us to fill our medicine cabinet with many very expensive medications, required that others to help take care of us, and have taken away our sleep. We have visited the doctor's office more times than I can count and have also visited Radiology office and the ER. Most of all, you are messing with our emotional well being.

You have now overstayed your welcome by many weeks and we would like to kindly ask you to leave. Please leave as soon as possible and forget this address. It would be nice if you never came back. One set of little lungs could really use some time to heal and we could all surely use some fun and smiles instead of worry and exhaustion.

We would like to warmly welcome the sunshine back. We really need it this week. Thank you for respecting our wishes.

Sincerely,
One Emotionally and Physically Worn Out Mama

40 plus...

2011-03-23T07:54:00.009-04:00

If you've read my blog long enough, you know that when you see a number in the title, it usually has something to do with The Rays of Sunshine Foundation and it usually has something to do with a donation.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned the delight we experienced playing some miniature games that we got at Sonic.
The more we played the games, the more I got to thinking that these games would be perfect for the kids in the hospital. Truth be told, there is a little part of me that never stops thinking about that place. It is healing for me to think about the ways that I can make the next experience a little better for another child. I don't have letters after my name nor do I have plans to get them, so my support with love (with the help of many) will have to do for now.

I have mentioned before the breakdown that often occurs between my head and my body once one of these grand ideas pops into my head. I get a really good idea and then they often fizzle out...life happens. I dream big but often lack the time, talent, or money to see the idea to completion. Don't get me wrong, many have and continue to help support many wonderful ongoing projects that we have currently in the works such as the Tissue Fund, and of course the upcoming annual Mother's Day project. By the way...I have already started collecting my contribution to these bags and many others have too. Michaels and Target both have some lovely items available now that would be perfect for these bags. More info. about these bags and this project to follow soon. Anyway...

Many have encouraged me to share my ideas. You never know what will happen next. The foundation that we created has a wonderful vision, lots of heart, many hands ready and willing to serve, and certainly abounding talent shining through many wonderful folks. Time is relative and God will orchestrate and create the opportunities that He desires for this foundation to accomplish.

So I did just that a few weeks ago. I shared an idea about these little games. One dear friend, Michele, took that post about the Sonic games, and she ran with it. Boy did she run!! Michele spent her time and talents speaking to the kind folks at Gamewright. Michele's time and love secured an amazing donation from Gamewright. In the end, forty miniature games were donated by Gamewright and they also generously offered to sell us any additional games at wholesale pricing. Amazing. I really am grateful. Michele met me and my idea where I was without time or steam to get anything done about it and she ran...

One person:
reached hearts within one very large corporation and countless hearts were given the opportunity to love
forty children will receive a new game to play
forty too many children facing some really tough and scary times -an understatement by far!
forty children will have a momentary distraction from their reality
forty little faces will hopefully smile
forty families will be so grateful for the smiles on the faces of their dear children
forty opportunities to share a memory and a moment in time
forty little blessings in forty little boxes
Who knows where this will end?
I imagine it will be different for each little box and where it ends up.

Gamewright is willing to sell our foundation the full size versions of these games for around $5 each which is a steal since this games regularly sell for between $8 and $10 each. You can view the selection of games offered here on their website. Here I present you with the opportunity to be a part of this project too. Here is where even pennies can add up to big things. Donations in any amount will help our foundation get more of these games into the hands of the kids and families facing really tough times at the hospital. If you have a desire to participate in this project, please contact me through the comment section, e-mail, or by phone. Checks should be made payable to the Rays of Sunshine Foundation. Money collected will be used to purchase these games directly from Gamewright.

If you have any of these games, I'd love to hear about your experiences playing them with your family.

Thank you again Michele and Gamewright. What you have done is amazing and many will be blessed by your compassion and generosity.

I'd also like to say thanks to the many others who have contacted other corporations such as Kleenex on our behalf. I appreciate all efforts of love...ALL.

nine

2011-03-22T07:51:00.003-04:00

Last week I got sick.

It's been a long time since I was sick so I really can't complain.

My mommy immunity held out for a long time.

but then I did get sick and the fevers raged their ugliness.

Nine days in bed so far.

Doctor says this is likely the flu.

Got a vaccination for that...Hmmm, I must have gotten the strain that wasn't in the vaccine.

Enough.

I am tired of feeling bad.

I miss my husband.

I miss my kids.

Opening up windows today.

Letting in the sunshine.

Praying and hoping today is my day.

My day to finally feel better.

Counting my many blessings.

I have been well taken care of...

Thanks to all.

Giveaway!!!

2011-03-11T08:48:00.001-05:00

A message from Shutterfly appeared in my inbox . They have allowed me to give away a few of their 8x8 photo books. I love taking pictures and keeping family albums to remember the memories and fabric of our lives. I have made several Shutterfly photo books in recent years. They are both easy and fun to make. I made most of mine about trips that we have taken and overall they really didn't take much time to create.

Are you interested in giving these photo books a try? They might make a great gift for Mother's Day, a trip album, an album showcasing your child's art, or even as an end of year teacher gift. The possibilities are endless.

If you are interested, leave me a comment with your name and e-mail.

These coupons are good for people who are not current Shutterfly customers already.

Leave me a comment if you are a Shutterfly customer too...What do you love about Shutterfly?

Around Here

2011-03-09T14:41:00.003-05:00

What's new in our house?

Well AROUND HERE...

Things have continued to be busy. When is it not with little ones?
Our youngest has remained sick for well over a week now. AHHHhhh

We are curled up snuggling for much of the days and nights.

Little one wants ALL of my attention ALL of the time.
I wouldn't have it any other way...but it is still hard sometimes.
Just being honest and of course not complaining.

My new eyes have taught me perspective. There really is far worse in the world.
We have even seen worse with our own eyes.
We can do this...

I still worry a little...okay a lot. It is hard to sleep even when I can sleep because I am worried about little one's ability to breathe properly. I worry that I won't hear him if he is in trouble.

We are real good friends with the nebulizer machine.

We are still checking in with the doctors pretty much daily.

We are on a rotating schedule of watching Surf's Up and Ice Age.
Makes me wonder what movies would have been Jeremy's favorites?
I am content to sit but cannot watch with full attention any longer.
I have chosen to read while snuggled up to the one who does like to watch these movies again, Again, and AGAIN. I have started to read and finished Heaven is For Real. I am still reading and enjoying One Thousand Gifts, and also half way through The Help.

The steamy shower in our big soaking tub has become a daily adventure of fun. My sanctuary has been taken over by plastic animals, various empty bottles and containers in various sizes to pour and play with, and Hot Wheels. Who knew these small cars would be such fun to zoom around the base of the tub?

We are playing lots of games when little one is feeling up to it. Someone is really getting good at Tic-Tac-Toe and Too Many Monkeys.

Little one won't let me out of his sight. Housework and other tasks will just have to wait...

Elsewhere in our house...

I have continued to enjoy the Bible study that I attend each week. It has filled me with more challenge than I had previously imagined but it is good to grow in these directions.

I am still focused on my word- Opportunity. Thinking a bit more clearly about the opportunities to grow from some of the more challenges areas of my life right now.

The lovely sounds of beginning and budding guitar players fills our quiet spaces.

Birthday plans for another family member is in the works.

We are so very proud of the wonderful spellers that we have in our house. The spell-a-thon was a big success again this year at our school and we are grateful for the family and friends that sponsored our kids. Way to go!!

Meal swap meets again next week. I am assigned beef and at the present time have no idea what I will be making.

I am so sleep deprived that I didn't realize that the season of Lent is beginning NOW. I thought for sure that it was coming in a few weeks. Also didn't realize, but none the less, am happy to now know that Daylight Savings time is THIS weekend. Hooray!!!

More and more signs of spring are popping up everyday. I am loving all of the yellow things that are filled with signs of new life all around our house. I love the way the yellow welcomes us home...and fills us with sunshine as we depart from our driveway too!

What's happening around your house?

Who Knew? Rest Edition

2011-03-05T09:41:00.004-05:00

Who knew that one could actually purchase and drink REST? Well I am writing to share with you that you can...Feast your thirsty eyes on this divine tea. It is lovely...

Not sure if I can attest that drinking a cup of this tea is equivalent to the amount of rest one feels after a proper night's sleep. None the less, I have enjoyed several cups of this goodness all week. Above all, the tea has afforded me a few moments of joy since I just can't stop chuckling at the name of the tea.

I might also add that I have since returned to the store to purchase more since I have already decided that it would simply be perfect for the Mother's Day bags this year. It's pink too, what a bonus!

Happy Saturday! Here's hoping for the well being that is stamped on the box! It has been a very long week!

Sunshine Eyes

2011-03-04T08:31:00.001-05:00

The third child and I were snuggling on the couch. He is sick again.

He looked up at me and very tenderly said "Mommy, I love your sunshine eyes."

I smiled accepting the compliment. After a few seconds I wondered where this comment had come from?

I asked him to tell me more about my sunshine eyes...

He responded " Well, you have red lines all around your eyes, just like the sun Mommy!"

I chuckled a little knowing these red lines were indeed the result of too many lost hours of sleep.

As I am drinking my third cup of coffee somehow hoping the caffeine totals will work together for my greater good today, I am thankful for my sunshine eyes. I am thankful to be a mommy and to have the ability to make someone feel better just by snuggling together on the couch. Not too long ago, I was in a very different place and was unable to love all over my child. I vividly remember the pain in my heart watching Jeremy in his hospital bed and being unable to hold him and comfort him in the ways that my heart longed to do.

Somewhere right now there are parents in this very place. Parents taking care of their children all the while knowing they are fighting something much more than a nasty cold. Parents not able to hold their child. Parents having to put their complete trust in others to take care of their child. Parents feeling helpless. Parents feeling afraid of the steps that lie ahead of them. Parents hurting knowing they cannot take this experience from their child.

There are far worse things than Sunshine eyes...I'll take them and be grateful for the many gifts in my life today. My perspective is so very different from where I stand. I am actually grateful for the fact that we have a cold, a nasty one, but thankfully to my knowledge, just a cold. I am grateful for the medicines that are so expensive but that are working to keep us out of the ER,

for the ability to run round the clock nebs on my own, for the patience of my pediatric practice as I need constant reassurance, and for good friends who are sending me love and sunshine along the way. Thanks R and A. The reassuring talks really helped and the Starbucks treats rock!

These sunshine eyes have seen far worse and will never forget the sights. Will you please pray for parents and their children who are facing so much more than a cold? Will you pray for healing, for peace in the midst of their trials, and for the medical staff involved in their care? Will you please pray that the days are filled with many moments where they feel God's presence with them and can see the Rays of Sunshine in and through the darkness of their trials that they are facing. Thank you. It means so much to me...and to them.

And while you are praying, could you add us to the list? Please pray for my little one to kick this cold out of town...TODAY!!! Please pray that the evil one cannot get a foothold on this sleep deprived Mama's heart, I am an easy target today. I am emotional, weary, and vulnerable.
Please pray that I can stay fixed on the sunshine, true gifts from our Father above, and to feel His presence alone in my heart. Thanks.

Amen

Fast Food Kid Meal Toys

2011-03-02T08:03:00.000-05:00

I am loving the miniature versions of games that are being offered at fast food restaurants. We have had fun playing these games with our kids. It's also a good way to test out a game before you buy it right? Chick-Fil-A introduced us to a game in the fall and we have since acquired the full standard version of the game and still love it. ALL of us.

My kids recently found a similar grouping of games in their kids meals at Sonic. I have spent a few minutes today trying to find out how to contact Sonic to purchase these little games. I have spent some time on their website but was unable to locate the information I was looking for. Of course, with a little one sick AGAIN, the sleep deprivation that comes along with that experience could be to blame. I think these little games would make a wonderful addition to the bags that we make for families at the hospital. I would welcome any help trying to get ahold of the right people to make this a real possibility. McDonald's helped me out last year when they had small Lego kits and American Girl paper dolls. Slamwich, Too Many Monkeys, In a Pickle, and This Big are all really fun games that I would imagine would offer a smile and/or distraction to kids in the hospital if they were up to playing. They are small, individually wrapped, and just plain fun. Any suggestions?

March?

2011-03-01T11:56:00.002-05:00

March? Really...where did February go already? Time is whizzing by and spring is awakening before my eyes.

The bulbs that we planted the last two seasons of fall have begun their journey to emerge from the ground. They are peeking through enough that I can already tell which variety of flower they will hopefully become. That is IF the deer or other forest animals don't discover them first.

I welcome this new season of spring. I feel better already.

I purchased my flip flops for the summer season this weekend. I know it seems crazy, but it is true folks, the retail world forces us to buy bathing suits and flip flops in February. You will learn the hard way if you don't, because in June when you have worked hard to get your figure into bathing suit shape, there won't be any bathing suits available. The fall line and winter coats will have emerged and the bathing suits will have been long gone. Anyway...back to the flip flops. It was instantaneous joy to just slide my feet into the flip flops. Funny how one simple thing can make me happy, even if for a moment.

I think I will wait to purchase the bathing suit. In the mean time what are you looking forward to this spring?

Tomato Salsa Chicken

2011-02-23T09:36:00.003-05:00

The snow and ice did not prevent the Diva's from swapping meals last night. I was really looking forward to filling my freezer with five more meals again this month. I was looking forward to some girl time and perhaps even a yummy treat.

I did leave with five other meals. I was also feeling grateful for so much more than the meals to go in my freezer. I was ever so grateful for the gift of authentic friendships. These women are real. They do not live in glass houses high on hill. They bring their meals and are unafraid to open their souls to the vulnerability from deep within. The responses from the other Divas are shared from places of love, friendship, and compassion. I am grateful for each of these women and their trust in all of us to be able to share the burdens of their hearts . I can only hope that in some way these women left feeling a little lighter from being to unload some of the hurts and weights of the world with their friends. I am glad that I have the blessing of having real friends to love me unconditionally both when life is good and when it is not. I am also grateful for the opportunity to be a friend and love others in return as well. Maybe this is why our meals taste so good? Meal swap is so much more that swapping meals...

Here is the recipe for the Tomato Salsa Chicken meal that I made this month. It is yummy. It used to be a favorite in our house back in the newlywed stage of my life. I think this recipe got lost in my recipe file and it was a step back in time to find it the other day. I hope you enjoy it.

Blessing Bags

2011-02-20T08:43:00.001-05:00

I have mentioned Blessing Bags here before I think. I had read about this wonderful concept in the fall around the Thanksgiving holiday. Our family got together will some friends and made a simplified version of these bags over the Christmas break from school. Our kids wanted to make them for the homeless folks that we come into contact with in our day to day life. I thought this was a wonderful way to spend time with friends and to be a part of something big, something that would have lasting effects in the hearts of the folks that would receive these bags. The kids used paper lunch bags and decorated them with markers. Some of the bags were very colorful and others included short messages as well. We filled the bags with a variety of snacks such as pretzels, animal crackers, and peanut butter crackers and a water bottle.

I placed the Blessing Bags in my car. My heart was filled with good feelings knowing that our family would be able to help someone else even in a simple and small way. I feel like I just can't get enough of these types of activities...they do my heart good.

What I didn't expect was the reactions that I have received thus far and also the way it would make me feel inside as a result. I'm not saying that the money that I used to give wasn't helpful or anything like that, it's just that giving these bags that the children created and prayed over, had a deeper more profound meaning attached to them. There was love in that bag handed over from one hand to another hand, one heart to another...and I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in this project. I can't take full credit I was inspired by both a blog friend and a real life friend.

I have given money in these situations before, but there is something more humbling to my soul when I give these bags. Each person that I have given a bag to seems delighted to receive it. There have been gracious hands, smiles, and tender words spoken with each experience. There have been eyes that have met face to face and that will never be forgotten. I have driven away each time with tears flowing down my face. There are tears of sadness and brokenness, tears shed in the wonderings of the details of their lives and how they found themselves where they are at the present time, tears as my heart breaks for these people suffering in this cold and bearing the weight of various and difficult life situations. I hurt for them and wonder what more could be done to help them. There are also the tears of gratitude for my blessings in life, tears of gratitude for my ability to share my blessings with someone else, and tears of remembrance and perspective knowing all too well that no one is exempt from a life altering situation at any time. I also shed tears knowing that my kids are learning compassion for others, tears for the many ways to be active in doing something about the hurting hearts all around me, and of course tears for the realization that at times it feels so sad to know there is an abundance of hurt in this world. I am more and more aware of the ways to stop in my day to day hustle and bustle of life and to know that it ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, makes a difference to share love...don't just think about it, DO SOMETHING.

Jeremy and the journey that we have been on ever since, have taught me many things. One of the most profound lessons is in the simple and even small gestures of love shown to others in need. Love begins as a feeling in your heart. Unless you act on that feeling and make it an action word, it stays in your heart, all bottled up for yourself. Love is meant to be shared. In fact, the bible commands that we love one another.

The song Hosanna by Selah has been playing over and over in my mind today. The lyrics are down right powerful.

Heal my heart and make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

everything I am for Your kingdoms cause

I recently visited with a friend who was planning to make a dinner for a local homeless shelter with her girl scout troop. She shared the details of what they were making and invited the community to help be a part of this mission by helping to supply some or all of the necessary ingredients to make this meal. My friend also shared how a representative from the shelter had come to speak with the girls about the shelter. The representative had shared that she wished that more people would support the homeless community by giving out bottles of water and those packs of peanut butter crackers. She shared that for some that simple pack of crackers could be three meals for a homeless person on the streets. This very sentence uttered reminded me that yes, this simple gift, is very meaningful and worthwhile.

Another friend was planning and participating in an event at church where all of the children involved in their Sunday School classes would be making these Blessing Bags this weekend. Wow...

I felt the nudge to share. So, try it for yourself. Gather some lunch bags, water bottles, pretzels, and peanut butter crackers as part of your next shopping trip to the grocery store. Add more if you'd like...small toiletries are also sometimes recommended. Place these items in the bags and then keep them in your car. The time will come when the opportunity presents itself to share one of these bags with someone. Open yourself up to the love and blessings that will pour out in many directions.

On My Way

2011-02-18T21:18:00.003-05:00

A catalog.

junk mail to most...

fun for a moment and then off to the recycle pile

me?

Hmmm

Read this and it stuck in my mind.

Was it what I needed to hear today?

Yes.

She wasn't where she had been.
She wasn't where she was going...
but she was on her way.
-Jody Hill

I am on a journey.

I still do not have any idea where it is that I am going but I am growing more comfortable with the uncertainty of the whole thing. It is almost becoming more peaceful living in the mindset of one day at a time. That is really all that we can do. I can only do the best that I can today. I can make decisions based on what I know today. Tomorrow, well that is an unknown for us all. We can plan all we want, but the outcome of those very plans just isn't up to us all the time. Simply stated but true.

The fate of the catalog? Well...I think I'll hold onto this one a bit. I may cut out this quote and add it to my chicken wire frame.

Me ?

Still loving that chicken wire frame. Still loving all of the faces that stare back at me everyday.
Still loving that I made that with my Dad.

Still don't love how I got here, on this journey.

Still committed to working hard not to become bitter on a permanent basis.

Still seeing love everywhere I look.

Still so grateful to see that love everywhere all around me especially when life sucker punches me and I can't breathe. This still happens at least once everyday.

Still finding amazing yet painful lessons along the way.

Still on this journey. Honestly, still not fully surrendered to it, but still here none the less. What can I say? There's a lot of fight in me!

Still holding on tight to the hand of Jesus.

Still walking toward Him.

Still believing in a God who works ALL things together for the greater good, even when life hurts the most and when it makes no sense from where I stand.

Still walking toward Him and a life lived eternal filled with peace.

Still asking for His grace to fill the spaces in my soul that are empty.

Still at His feet when I can't breathe.

It is there...at the foot of the cross. It is there that He meets me. Every time. All the time. Unconditionally.

This journey? Just one foot in front of the other, following His lead. I will arrive just where He wants me to be and at the very precise moment that He planned for my arrival.

Psalm 46:10 (New International Version, ©2010)
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;"

Valentine Love Bags 2011

2011-02-16T22:41:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days but there is still heart shaped confetti dancing across my floor. As usual it is taking time to let the experience of Valentine's Day settle into my soul before I am ready to share it with the world.

I tearfully captured a picture of the contents of the Valentine's Day gift bags before they were delivered to the families who would receive them this year. This Mama's heart would still like nothing more than to deliver these bags and to have a little three year old running around with his Valentine's too. I guess one doesn't need Valentines in heaven.

I'll start with the left side back of the photo. In that adorable heart cellophane bag there were Lindt Chocolate Truffles, Hershey's Raspberry Hugs, and Dark Chocolate Cherry Three Muskateers. MMMmm who doesn't love chocolate? Each bag also contained Conversation Hearts and a granola bar, hand stamped with a heart sticker. How cute is that? A friend made a homemade from the heart Cupid Snack mix. There was also an individual box of chocolates, M&M's, Lifesavers, and mints.

Each bag also contained a water bottle, some red or pink drink mix pouches, a journal, a red pen, hand sanitizer, red Chapstick, nail polish, a hand stitched, heart filled, tissue pouch with tissues included, Wisp toothbrushes, Calming Lavender lotion, heart stickers, and most of all LOVE.

I am ever so grateful for the opportunity to deliver such love filled bags to families that are so near and dear to my heart,. These families were me.., not too long ago. I can relate to the emotions of their hearts and to their footsteps. I know that we cannot take their pain away but we can and will walk beside them to offer comfort and LOVE along the way.

Thank you for the support and the prayers to make this project possible. I could not do this alone nor would I want to. It has such deep meaning to me to know of the many people involved in this project that all worked together to make a difference in the hearts of many this Valentine's Day.

More to come later, but for now...much love, sunshine, and gratitude to all of you.

A Sucked Out Juice Box

2011-02-12T18:56:00.005-05:00

Back in the day, I used to attend a mother's group called MOPS (Mothers of Preschool Children). It was a wonderful part of my life that still holds very special memories for me. MOPS groups are alive and well, I am just not a member at the present time. I am pretty sure that I heard the term of A sucked out juice box to refer to the way that moms feel sometimes at one of the MOPS meetings that I attended. It basically was referring to the outweighing of the many demands of a mom and the lack of activities that fill us up, or refresh us, if you will.

I surely felt like a sucked out juice box last week. With a sick child at home for over a week straight, a consequently adjusted schedule, and also two to three kiddies waking up nightly, etc., etc., etc. I realize that it may sound like I am complaining or whining. I have surely lived through far worse and I do have that perspective. Don't get me wrong, it is my place and I wouldn't have it any other way. But...I won't lie, it is still hard sometimes. I am not always the Mom that I want to be or should be. I am not Supermom or perfect.

Last night we had Parent- Teacher conferences. My parents offered to babysit our kids so that both of us could attend. I do think it is very important when at all possible, for both parents to attend these conferences. I was honestly prepared for only one of us to be able to attend since one of our kids was still somewhat under the weather, but I was pleasantly surprised that we were both able to go in the end. The bonus, we even got an opportunity to grab dinner afterwards. I dressed up and Hubby made reservations. We even had a bottle of wine. Isn't this funny?
We are total label shoppers, almost always throwing all wine knowledge aside when choosing our selection. This label made us laugh and with it being Valentine's Day weekend and all we thought it was most appropriate. It really was a good choice after all. I would buy it again. Dinner was romantic, delicious, and amazing especially since I didn't have to cook it or clean it up one single dish. Nope, not even one! I especially love the ability to stay local in our community and support a restaurant right in our own hometown. Last night was the best night's sleep that I have had in awhile and so that was refreshing too.

Today, I celebrated the birthday of a dear friend. I was so focused on her and her influence on my life. I marveled at the time when we met, all that we have been through together, and how how our friendship has blessed me a million times over in almost seven years. I never considered how much fun I would have too just being there with her celebrating her special day. It was great to see and spend time with another friend that I don't get to see as often as I would like to. I had meaningful conversations with several other friends as well. I am grateful for the authentic friendships that I have in my life. Real moms, real women, and the real opportunities to be brutally honest about life. It was refreshing to just relax among my girlfriends. I had the best time. It was so refreshing, more so than I had even expected.

I came home to a table set for dinner, kids playing peacefully, and a hubby making dinner for us. I almost thought I came home to the wrong house. HA!

I am refreshed. We all NEED this. I still need to figure out why we fight the opportunities to take care of ourselves. The time away is nourishing to ourselves and refreshing, allowing us to be better wives and moms for it. Sick child is on the mend, not totally herself, but better.

I am grateful for dear friends, for the dinner made for me again tonight. Hmmm how can I get this to stick??? I am grateful for my beautiful family, good soothing music, good birthday cake, and yes, even a bottle of good wine! I am most grateful that I no longer feel like a sucked out juice box! I hope this feeling lasts for awhile!

What refreshes you?

Condensed LOVE

2011-02-08T11:37:00.005-05:00

I love the blog world. Funny thing that a few short years ago, blog, why they didn't even exist. Today, they have become part of my daily life.

A blog friend inspired me to make this blessing ring. I love it. I wrapped a binder ring with yellow ribbon on one side and turquoise ribbon printed with yellow sunshines on the other side. I now have a much prettier way to store the prayers, comforting words, and well wishes that have been shared with me over time.

Before the blessing ring, I just taped them to my front door. These words, penned by family, friends, and prayer warriors do nothing short of breathing sunshine into my parched soul and comforting a hurt from a place so deep within me. I need these words out in the open where they are visible and accessible at a moments notice. The blessing ring certainly allows for both and is able to accommodate more cards, messages, and notes at one time. Condensed LOVE.

I fully acknowledge the power of one little card. One little message. One little something...Remember a few posts ago when I mentioned ways to show broken hearted love with a hurting soul. These cards represent one way to do just that. Obviously these cards and messages have special meaning to me. I have saved every single one....from the beginning. I read them when they first arrived in my mailbox and I have reread them often ever since. Not a one has been tossed aside or ever forgotten. Another amazing thing about cards and message of the such is that you can read them whenever you want to or need to.

While this post began as a simple way to share a recent inspiration, it has grown to be an entry of deep gratitude for the prayers and support that have sustained us these last two years.

Hallmark is a good thing. Love isn't meant to only dwell within your heart, it is truly best when it is shared.

GO on...share some love. Share some today.

Loving This...

2011-02-08T11:34:00.004-05:00

My word charm arrived in the mail. Have I told you how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wearing it around my neck every day? It really does help me to be intentional about keeping my word ever present in my thoughts, which by the way, shapes the way we act.

For those of you following along on this One Little Word journey with me, I'd love it if you would share your own ideas for how you are keeping your word front and center in your every day lives. Here's where we can insprire, help, and encourage one another.

Superbowl

2011-02-06T21:53:00.003-05:00

It is no surprise in our house that I am not a football fan. I can easily think of a million things that I would rather do than watch football on the television.

I do love the sense of community that sports can evoke a times. The team spirit and seeing everyone united about the same thing is wonderful.

What I do love is food and I especially like creating a menu that suits the occasion. I like having fun with food and trying out new

Today, I was inspired to make chili. A good friend has been telling me for awhile now about how much she loves to make white chicken chili. I'll admit that I was curious as I grew up eating more of a traditional version of chili. The next thing I knew, one of our Dinner Diva's made a White Chicken Chili that was really yummy. Recently an episode of Giada at Home was airing on the Food Network and guess what she made? Yep. White Chicken Chili. I was sold.

Here is the recipe. It is both a little different than I was expecting and delicious. I could not get my hands on Swiss chard so I ended up substituting Kale this time around. It was a hit with our family and I would definitely make it again. I did however make tacos as an alternative for the kids. One child was brave enough to try it at least and did like it. The other two preferred tacos tonight and that's okay too!

I made some cornbread that I bought at Target. I believe it was the Archer Farms brand and it was called Honey Cornbread. It too was delicious and I will admit to being a little picky about my cornbread. We ended up with a sweet, moist, cake- like consistency with this mix and that was a thumbs up in my book!

I do hope that everyone enjoyed the evening whether it was about the game, the time spent with folks that you care about, the food, or maybe all of the above.

LOVE

2011-02-05T19:22:00.002-05:00

Love is all around.

Open your eyes and you will find it.

Yes, even in the most unexpected and unusual places.

Be open to the many faces of love, REAL love.

Be real. Be authentic. It will find you.

Let it in your heart.

Let it soften you.

Depth of Heart

2011-02-03T20:19:00.011-05:00

My soul has struggled with so many things these last few days. Who am I kidding... I can't remember a time when I wasn't plagued with this heaviness. I have literally worn myself out. My thinker is going a mile a minute and my heart is unable to comprehend, that the answers it seeks, will not be found on this side of heaven. Between the two systems in overdrive, I am left in a place that is difficult to describe. I am grateful for each moment that I breathe and I am trying to live in the moment realizing that, this time embedded in today, is all I have been given. Yet, all at the same time, the weight and the gravity of this world has me on my knees and longing to sleep. Longing to sleep so I can DREAM of something else, something peaceful and of a place where life doesn't hurt so much. The two don't mix well. I have been here before and yet I still find it impossibly difficult to describe the wide range range of emotions that are battling within me, much less to cope with them all on a daily ongoing basis.

I began getting ready for this month by changing my playlist to incorporate some LOVE songs and to get in the mood for the season, but even those songs are too loud for me tonight. My soul is craving quiet and peace, something I continually seek. The music choice currently on the playlist somehow helps to encourage that sense of peace and helps me to relax a little. I can only hope that you enjoy it too!

My heart hurts deeply for those that suffer in this world. My response is filled with deep despair and then to dispense LOVE. It's all I really know.

Someone told me today that I have a big heart. I truly don't see any other way to live. I am challenged by the notion that it is not enough, not nearly enough. I wish there were a way to make these hurts go away but I know in my heart of hearts, that there isn't such a way. I am a different person now. I just can't stand where I am in the midst of my own life and and watch the suffering and hurt before me and choose do nothing at all. I must find a way to reach the hearts of the suffering, even if only to share with them that they are not alone and that someone cares. Sometimes it really is that simple folks, when you get down to the core. Those that suffer, they know that those around them are powerless to change their circumstances. Their hearts, why, they long to just be loved. That's all. That love, the love shared and given purely, propels you when you haven't the strength to go on by your own will. These examples of love shown by others in my own journey with Jeremy, are bubbling closest to the surface in my personal memory, so I speak of truth and of experience when I share this heartfelt message to you.

There is a child facing cancer, something no child should face in my opinion. After many months of treatment, her family has recently discovered that the cancer is ever present. The family and doctors are awaiting some further test results to determine the best course of future treatments, but it has been shared that is will most likely be experimental. The parents are awaiting a miracle to heal their daughter. They are filled with hope and also with great fear. The family has honestly discussed with their daughter and their other children the reality of the day to day situation. There was a recent and delicate conversation between mom and daughter. A conversation that has buckled me tonight. I do not pretend, even for a moment, to know the exact feelings of this family, as they are unique and special to this family. I can only relate my personal feelings knowing the journey that my own two feet have previously walked and the way that my heart has felt and continues to feel in the present time. I can only relate and respond with HEARTBROKEN LOVE.

The conversation:

The daughter says to her Mom, "I don't want to go without you Mom, I'll miss you too much." To which the Mom replies, "I don't want you to go without me either."

Two sentences.

Two sentences in time that have more gravity than most than I will ever know.

I tearfully have no words....seriously, what words could articulate the depth of that place? A place no mother ever imagined herself to be much less to walk with her her own flesh and blood, her child.

All I can say is that God IS in that place, right there in the midst of that pain, that suffering, and those questions to why? Why haven't you healed her? Why haven't you shown your power yet? I know these thoughts and questions, I am very familiar with them all. These are life changing events that rock you to the core and leave you forever changed. These circumstances leave you unrecognizable even to yourself. There are many circumstances that fit this bill...many who are reading this are filling in the blank with their own Plan B circumstance. Divorce. Financial distress, death, heath issues like diseases, disorders, and illnesses, the list is endless really.

This sweet girl, one child, one family, one heartfelt tragedy. That is enough. One in how many you ask? ONE TOO MANY!!!!! There are others. Sadly many others. I wish with all my heart that this wasn't the truth but it devastates me to write what you already know, this isn't one isolated story. Neither was ours. It is a sad reality that we face in our day to day world. What can we do about it? What does the bible say?

Wait for the Lord's help.
Be strong and brave and wait for the Lord's help
Psalms 27:14

I wait for the Lord to help me, and I trust his word.
Psalms 130:5

I find rest in God;
only he gives me hope.
He is my rock and my salvation.
He is my defender;I will not be defeated.
Psalms 62: 5-6

Pete Wilson says in his book, Plan B, that "whether we may frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, confused, and exhausted, we can simply collapse in the arms of our Heavenly Father where we can allow Him to fill us with His comfort. Rest in Him and allow Him to be our rock and fortress in this uncertain time. Rest in Him while we are waiting and let Him be our hope. "

What a beautiful image. Collapsing in the arms of our savior... It is this very place that I was able to release my child, my own flesh and blood. Why is this harder for me to do with myself?

I am not worthy but yet, none the less, ransomed and redeemed to this very place.

Pete goes on in his book to acknowledge those same questions that we face. He says:

"Hardly a day goes by that we don't witness a collision between these two realities. How can we reconcile these two unmixable components: a God of love who is all powerful and the universal experience of tragedy and suffering? Pete, just like us wonders if our finite minds are even capable of the real answers to that question. Pete reminds us that because of Jesus suffering is never the last word. We are promised that if we put our trust in God, there will be a day, when He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain. Revelations 21:4.

Here is where Faith comes into play. A choice... Faith is saying that I believe in You God, more than this tragedy. I throw myself in utter dependence on You and in You alone, a God who specializes in resurrections, a God who brings hope to the hopeless, a God who is father to the fatherless, a God who is willing to send His only son to the cross to prove that He is more powerful than the worst thing that evil can do."

Romans 8 :18 assures that the sufferings that we face now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be shown to us. I know these can be hard words to comprehend in the midst of suffering. I live that challenge every day of my life. Which brings us to another example of the choice in where we place our faith. Pete reminds us that in that our faith is where God meets us, right there...right where life hurts the most. God offers us His presence, His comfort, and His assurance that He is all powerful and fully in control of the situation.

What else can we do?

LOVE...Love your nears and dears. Make today count. Do it now. Don't wait. Tomorrow has not arrived yet and none of us know for sure what it will bring. There are gifts and blessings that surround you each and every day. Perhaps they are so simple that they are taken for granted. Notice them. Slow down and see what is before your very eyes, with the perspective that it can ALL vanish in an instant. Live without regret. none

What else...

LOVE those that are suffering around you. You are not called to change the circumstance. You are not called to understand it ,to rationalize it. or to imagine it. You are not called to even begin to relate to it. All you need to do is LOVE them, the suffering, through it. You ARE equipped. Each of us is given exactly what we need, precisely at the right time when it is needed. DO It. DO it now...if your heart thinks it, consider it a a nudge from God and ACT on it. Make the call, send the card, click send on the email, make the meal, buy the chicken at Costco, MAKE LOVE A VERB, not a feeling kept to yourself in your own heart. I promise you, it is the right thing to do. It will make a greatest impact on the heart of the person in mind and also in you. Be prepared, you may not expect what happens to your soul as a result of this heartfelt response to others in need. It, in and of itself, is life changing.

I will tearfully close this message and hold on to my faith in a God that is bigger and more powerful than the suffering and troubling times that are within and surround me. I will hold onto my faith in a God that will make all things good, all things right, and perfect in His sight. I will hold onto Him and choose to LET GO of the things that are not mine to control and in turn embrace the OPPORTUNITY within each day to grow closer to the person that God created created me to be for HIS glory.

In the meantime, will you pray with me?

Dear God,

We humble ourselves before you tonight. Evil and troubling situations are in our midst. We ask Lord for Your mercy, Your grace, Your wisdom, and most importantly for Your will to be done in each and every circumstance that we bring before You. We ask you Lord, to fill us with Your presence. Grant us Lord Your peace and comfort knowing that You are already fully aware of these circumstances that trouble our hearts and minds. Fill us Lord with Your peace knowing that You are fully in control of these circumstances and that they will all be weaved together in Your time for the greater good and according to Your will. Oh Lord, our tender and fragile hearts cry out to you for your mercy upon those that suffer. Grant them your healing and your peace . Help them Lord to feel Your presence among them and help them to be unafraid of whatever this mortal life may offer, knowing that Your arms promise an eternity of all things made good and perfect in every way. Fill the voids Lord. Fill the emptiness. Fill ALL of the places where questions and fear are creating an ever growing space between You and Your sheep. Help our Faith to grow in those places instead, knowing that You are bigger than the troubles that we may be facing. We ask for Your intimate relationship with us Lord. You know and understand our hurts and pain Lord better than anyone . Teach us to turn to You first, for our strength and comfort in these times of strife. Help us to know Your love for us and to have the strength to share that very LOVE with those who may need it the most. We pray all these things in Your Name, Amen.

Hello February

2011-02-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

Hello February.

You really snuck in quickly.

What will you bring?

I welcome your days full of things that have never been.

I will grasp onto to the love that is in the air.

I too will give love away...I will let my heart lead the way and trust that it is right.

I will receive love that is given to me.

I will embrace the opportunities that await me with the dawn of each day.

An Off Kinda Day

2011-01-31T14:00:00.004-05:00

Random thoughts, experiences, and memories have all collectively worked together today to cause defeat in my soul, at least for now. I give in...

A certain little person has curled up on the sofa and fallen asleep. I wish I could do the same. My thoughts are haunting me and other than that, there just really isn't time for a nap. The dismissal bell at school rings at the same time each day, whether I am ready for it or not.

I just finished a book. I am still rather pensive about the story and the thoughts shared.

The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.

Jerry Sittser

Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained OPPORTUNITIES for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream.

Larry Crabb

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

There is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it.

C.S. Lewis

I give in today. I will allow the hurt to exist and will resist the urge to run far, far, away. (Pain follows you wherever you go...) Dinner is made. I have done all I can do to make peace with my life. I will give in to whatever comes...and then try to go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day. Done.

Ready to Fill With Love...

2011-01-29T09:13:00.003-05:00

Last week while I was shopping at Target I found some adorable Valentine gift bags. I would normally insert a picture here but my computer is apparently having a difficult start to the day. These bags will be filled with Valentine goodies and delivered to the families staying at the Children's House this year. These families are in need of some love and comfort. I am inviting others to share love with these families this year. I am hoping to fill 22 bags. I am currently accepting donations of items such as:

red/pink Crystal light packs of Pink Lemonade or Fruit Punch
small boxes of those sweet little heart candies or red hot hearts
pink or red gum (big Red or pink bubblegum)
red or pink nail polish
pink colored lip gloss
red pens
word search books
small bottles of lotion
Heart shaped lollipops
chocolate
small bottles of Starbucks coffee or individual cocoa, coffee, tea.
tissues
Valentine themed picture books that a parent and child could read together
you get the idea...
There are no wrong answers here folks, I am open to other wonderful ideas that you may have in mind. Target and Michaels both had a great selection of items in their 1$sections.

The PICU is requesting donations of fleece blankets (particularly those that are colorful and kid themed. There are even kits sold at most craft stores which makes a great project for kids to make)
character themed stickers
infant onesies and clothing
tissues
character themed bandaids

We will also accept monetary donations to purchase these items for the bags and the PICU. All checks can now be made payable to The Rays of Sunshine Foundation!

Hurting hearts will be so touched by these bags filled with love and comfort items on Valentine's Day. Thank you in advance for your prayers and support.

Keep in mind...Mother's Day is right around the corner and we will be filling bags at that time as well. I would welcome help to think of ideas for those bags as well.

Ready to Fill...

2011-01-29T09:13:00.000-05:00

Snow Days

2011-01-28T07:01:00.000-05:00

The week has flown by thanks to the beautiful snow and the school closings as a result. We have been having fun sledding, building Star Wars ships, shoveling snow, playing board games, and the Wii! A few snow ball fights have taken place in between the mountain of laundry that needed to be put away, the purging of a ton of paperwork, and reading a few good books.

I save way too much paperwork...I feel like I am on top of the paper that comes in the mail. It is the paperwork produced by my children. I can't seem to part with it thinking that these moments in the present time are fleeting by and that I may want to preserve and remember this or that. That has now transcended to an enormous amount of paperwork preserved in various places in our home. It is overhwelming to think about tackling it right now. I did go through some of it over the last few days but I have still saved a significant amount. Speak up you fellow moms. What do you save? What do you toss? Where do you put it all and how do you keep it organized?

And one more thing...another friend has decided to join me on the One Little Word Journey, which now brings to total to EIGHT! Yeah! Her word is Mercy. I am excited to see how these words inspire growth in the lives of these fellow friends and in myself too. I have also come to know that there are indeed some quiet readers following along that have selected words too. There is a little button where you can leave comments below. We'd love to know the word that you have chosen and any other information that you would like to share. If not, we'd love to have you follow along from just where you are.

Well as you know life is just plain and simple busier when everyone is home. I love having my nearest and dearest right here with me all day. Schools are closed again today. Everyone is still asleep which is a rare moment in our house at this time of day. Climbing those hills a million times sledding has just worn them all out I guess.

I am off to savor my delicious cup of Java as the sun wakes up the morning sky and all is still quiet in my house.

Wishing you a warm in your heart kind of day!

One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-27T19:35:00.005-05:00

I have been waiting for the arrival of the book One Thousand Gifts for some time now. It was recently gifted to me and I couldn't wait to open the cover and begin reading the beautiful words written by Ann Voscamp.

I encourage you to check out the trailer for the book. It is a book you will want to write in, highlight, fold the corners down on etc. I think it is available in hardcover form for about $10 on both Amazon and Dayspring. Check it out. You WON'T be sorry.

Go here and watch the trailer for the book.

Then, go here to watch a video,follow along with an online book club, and see video discussions each week with the author, Ann Voscamp.

Enjoy your gifts that are in front of you right now...

Seven So Far

2011-01-23T19:02:00.003-05:00

Seven Little Words have been shared with me so far. I can only speak for myself but the journey with One Little Word is an amazing experience and I am excited that six others have chosen to join me. Who knows maybe there are others out there reading who plan to walk the journey with us in their own quiet ways. That is surely okay too.

I will continue to share my experiences and reflections with my word, opportunity this year. Will you share some of your thoughts and experiences with me too? If you haven't chosen a word yet, it really isn't too late. Go here and read all about it.

Here are the words that have been personally shared with me so far:
simplify
create
breathe
dance
acknowledge
serenity

Have you seen this post? It's cool to see the words that so many others have chosen this year. I understand that the larger the word appears, the more often it was chosen. Well C. you have chosen a unique word, acknowledge, and that is really cool too! Remember it is a personal journey, no one else's but yours!

Hoping that your weekending refreshed your soul.

Giddy

2011-01-22T17:14:00.000-05:00

I am giddy and eager with excitement. Why? This sweet necklace is on it's way to my mailbox. I love wearing my word around my neck and being accountable for what I am trying to accomplish by focusing on the word opportunity this year. Ali Edwards, the person who created this One Little Word journey, encourages people to find ways to incorporate their word into their daily lives. Wearing my word around my neck every day helped me tremendously last year, especially when I needed to make a conscientious effort to make my thoughts and behaviors reflect the mind set of letting go.

Be sure to check out the other goodies offered on this website. I already have a necklace so I just added the charm. A few other friends ordered this necklace instead of the charm that I ordered. I originally planned on getting this one too but my word was too long. I think I will like the open circle just the same. To me the open circle represents so much...mostly the idea of being open to the change that this word will bring to my life this year. I like that it looks like a letter O too!

I hope everyone stays warm this weekend.

Recipes and Opportunities

2011-01-21T12:27:00.005-05:00

I meant to post some thoughts about my day yesterday but then...
a certain young fellow had difficulty falling asleep
after a few tuck-back-ins, young fellow then snuggled up next to Mommy
Mommy was snug and warm in PJS
a rice bag (a new favorite) was warmed and under my cold legs and feet
a thought provoking book was in hand

You can probably guess what happened next.
Yep, I fell asleep. So did he.

I will share about my day yesterday but another time.
In the mean time, a few of you have asked for the recipes for the meals that were swapped in my group this week. Here are the links. Hope you enjoy them.
Teriyaki Pork Stir Fry
French's Tangy Ranch Chicken
Just click on the blue words and the recipes should appear!

And now for that book that I was reading last night. This is the sentence that caused me to think for awhile...

What if we viewed our hardships and challenges as OPPORTUNITIES to be the men or women God has created us to be?
-Pete Wilson Plan B

Jackpot

2011-01-19T21:37:00.006-05:00

Funny what that word means to some people.

Me? This week's edition anyway...

1. I found Puffs tissues in purse packs again. They were discontinued for awhile while they redesigned the packaging I guess. They are back and better than ever. Still the same SOFT tissue just new packaging that is similar to the Kleenex ones. I think all the tissues that have been donated are wonderful but if you ask me which ones are the softest, PUFFS would win!!! Trust me, I would know. I still have skin under my eyes damaged from crying so many tears...

2. I found Latex free kid bandaids at Target today. They had several different designs that all made my own kids go over the moon! Whahoo! Did you know that kid bandaids are not in the current budget at Jeremy's hospital? We all know what a difference those character bandaids can make when you have an "OWHWIE" (Have you ever struggled to put letters to a word that your kids made up? Don't laugh, I gave this word my best effort.) Well, donating these character and/or kid themed bandaids is just one of the small things that our sunbeams do to make a big difference in the hearts of sick children at the hospital. Rays of Sunshine Foundation couldn't be prouder of our SUNBEAMS!!! The R family are all coming to mind since they have donated quite a few boxes regularly for a few months now. By the way I never know if I have permission to share names here on this blog, so that is why I use initials. Anyway...after our last LARGE donation of bandaids to the PICU, it was brought to my attention that they would also appreciate latex free boxes of bandages too. Well these are a little harder to find but alas they were indeed found!!!

3. Walmart is now stocked with my very favorite nail polish in my very favorite color. What brand you ask? Essie. What color? Sugar Daddy. ( I did not name the polish, I just wear it.) It doesn't come off as easily as some of the other brands for some reason, at least on my nails. Then again, I wash my hands A LOT, Especially this time of year.

4. I have much to be thankful for in this life. Amen. My heart is heavy for others who are facing a hard time right now for various reasons. My prayers are with them tonight and always.

Meal Swap

2011-01-18T22:29:00.006-05:00

It was a little of an off kinda day. The kids were all off from school since we had icy roads this morning. Our meal swap typically occurs on Mondays but yesterday was a holiday and so we bumped to Tuesday this month. After some confusion with the schedule and then the winter weather conditions, we weren't sure how things would work out for tonight. All ended well and we were able to swap meals. Good thing since my freezer was looking a little bare.

In the end, I made a Teriyaki Pork Stir Fry using a recipe from a favorite Pampered Chef cookbook. I forgot to give the ladies their cans of Bamboo Shoots for their meal, but then again I did say that it was an off kinda day.I received chicken fajitas, barbecue beef brisket, and TWO Tangy Ranch chicken meals in return. First of all, it really is that good. A friend asked me today what my family's win win recipe were, you know the ones where everyone is excited about dinner. At first it was difficult to think of specific recipes but then after I emailed her back a generic list of good meals, I kept thinking of ones that we all really loved, and this was one of them. In fact, it was a hit with all of the meal swap families. Obviously this is true, since two of our families made the same meal, making meal swap history. No one is complaining since everyone loves this meal and besides it would make a perfect meal for company. One additional meal is also on it's way to my freezer sometime soon and I guess bamboo shoots will need to be delivered as well...

After a four day unexpected weekend with the kids, it was nice to have some friends over, a different set of conversation topics, warm friendships, and an excuse to make some yummy snacks and pour a glass of wine. It is always nice to catch up and laugh a little with my girlfriends. We have known each other for awhile now, some longer than others, but none the less, in this life together through rain and sunshine. We have and will continue to hold onto each other andDANCE through the many OPPORTUNITIES that life may throw our way, the good and the bad. That is what really makes me smile tonight, you know the kind of smile that fills you up from head to toe.

The icing on the cake was that one of the Moms came with her daughter tonight and they brought a surprise for me. Miss M handmade blankets for our foundation to give to kids in the hospital. She made matching blankets for a child and their parent in really adorable patterns of fabric. How sweet is that? I was amazed at her talent but most of all her heart! That made my day and I am confident that it will make the children who receive these blankets feel loved too.

Hope you had a warm day too.