Clean Soup

Funny story. . .

Early in the morning I had prepared a Pot Roast in the crock pot for dinner. The recipe called for 1/2 cup of beef broth. There was a little left over so I reserved the rest, unsure what I was going to do with it, but couldn't bear to be wasteful and throw it away. As I was preparing lunch on this 80 degree Tuesday, it came to me. I would make soup with the broth and Pastina noodles (little stars).

So I called the children to the table to eat their lunch. My daughter took one look at it and said
"what's this?"

I replied "Soup, it's Pastina, you LOVE pastina soup."

My daughter said "Mom, can I have clean soup? This one is dirty."

I could hardly contain myself. She had never had a dark broth soup before. She thought the broth was dirty and wanted "clean soup" as she reached for and then handed me the Campbells can of Cars Soup.

It was the hardest I had laughed in a long time.

Then it just wouldn't leave me. I kept thinking about it all day. Well the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways. There was a lesson for me to learn from this experience too. You know we all wait around to hear the voice of God have conversation with us just like our friends. Well, he doesn't always deliver his message to us like that. Sometimes you receive a message even when you aren't expecting one.

Here is what I received. I am the mother of my FOUR children. I prepare wholesome and nutritious meals for them every day. (OK, most of the time) As a parent, I definitely have their best interests at heart every day. I know what is best, even if at the time they don't see it that way. This mentality applies to many areas of life not just nutrition. I remember as a child myself questioning my parents' judgement, only to realize now as an adult, that they were usually right in the end.

Well, here I am a child of God, wishing for clean soup, instead of being content with the broth of life that God has prepared for me. He has my best interests at heart and knows what is best for me. He knows the end of my story and the bible says that everything will work out to be good. It's hard to see that right now, but he knows that to be true. I am staring at this "dirty soup" crying and spending time refusing to eat it, to accept my circumstances if you will. Well, God knows that what he has prepared for me is good, wholesome, and last but not least, good for me, for whatever the reason. He knows my whole story intimately because he loves me. He loves Jeremy.

I will sit up and try my best to feast on the life that God has in mind for me. God is good, all the time, God is good.

Be the Change You Wish To See In The World

There is a saying that hangs above my front door. "BE THE CHANGE THAT YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD" I like to read it as I leave our home. You can make two choices in life. Watch from the side lines as life passes you by or do something active to leave the world a better place. Our family could (and we sometimes do) wallow in our sorrows over losing our son to such a devasting tragedy of a disease or we can seek out activities that will help others along the way. Maybe the outcome for them will be different. Today I am proud to say that we didn't wallow, we were a part of something that could change the world. A change that could change the "hearts" of many people.

Today it was an honor and priviledge to participate in the American Heart Association's Heart Walk. It was a beautiful day, such a perfect fall day. The leaves are just starting to change colors and the temperature was perfect for a fall walk. It was a great way for us to gather as a family to do something good in memory of Jeremy.

We were so honored to walk with two other families that we met at the PICU. It was so nice to have some emotional support along the way. We joined those families in celebration of life. The lives that have been saved and the children who will have a second chance at life here on earth. We were so very thankful that their children were with us today taking part in the Heart Walk. There were other families that we met at the hospital that were not here today, but were held close to our hearts. In addition, I also happened to run into a friend from college, who's son was also born with a heart condition. Their son's surgeon was the same one that worked so hard to heal Jeremy. We look forward to watching these special children grow up and to see the plan that God has in mind for their lives.

We walked in memory of Jeremy. We thought about him and prayed throughout the walk. I felt peace today as I walked the path around the lake. It feels good doing something good and productive in his memory. Sitting around feeling sad all of the time doesn't change anything. My son still resides in his forever home and he always will. His life on earth was short but full. He truly did accomplish so many wonderful things. Choosing activities that focus on what I CAN change on this journey are healing for me.

It isn't visable from the photos too well but we all wore our blue Jeremy bracelets and also a green bracelet for Organ Donation. We decorated the stroller (for the youngest to ride in but he didn't) with blue bows. I wore a sticker on my back forother walkers to see that our walk was in loving memory of our son, Jeremy.

Last but not least we walked in tribute to those medical professionals who work tirelessly to save lives. The doctors, nurses, CNPS, and respiratory staff that so lovingly took care of Jeremy were forefront in our minds today.

The money raised from the Heart Walk will go directly to the American Heart Association. The money will help fund research that WILL save lives. Other families may be spared from feeling the very pain that we feel every day. We were a part of positive change and it felt good. Just maybe . . . in small way, we changed the world for another family.

Grow Old With Me

Eleven years ago today I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend and to embark on a new life together. I enjoyed planning all the details of the wedding but in the end I didn't care what happened or didn't happen. All that mattered was that he would be there to take my hand and say "I do". Everyone that mattered to us would be there to witness this sacrament that we were making to one another and to the Lord. We wrote our own vows and made promises to one another that night that have been the cornerstone of our world. Our marriage isn't and hasn't always been perfect, but show me one that is. What matters is that we have a commitment to one another and we honor that comittment in our daily lives.

Our wedding night was filled with such promise for a beautiful life together. The world was an open book. As time went by our marriage has been filled with many blessings. The sweetest of them all would obviously be our four beautiful children. We achieved everything that we ever wanted in life and that has to count for something. Our dream life was short lived but as the old saying goes, better to have loved and lost, than to have never had it at all. I thought we would share many things together, but never the death of a beloved child. I'm sorry that my husband has to endure this pain in his life. I wish I could heal that hurt in his eyes and in his soul. Having said that, I wouldn't trade that time with our son, Jeremy, for the world. He was part of our story. Our story will have a beautiful ending someday, even if we have to wait awhile to see how it unfolds. Jeremy had a real purpose in our lives and he will shape who we become as a family. When we come through this storm, we will be polished from being thrown around the rapids and rocks of life, and hopefully become better people because of it.

Today, eleven years later, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful and grateful for our life together. I will hold on tighter, love him more, be more patient, give more, and appreciate the life we do have. Our path has a detour we didn't expect. I will hold his hand and find our way, together.

Grow old along with me

The best is yet to be

When our time has come

We will be as one

God bless our love

God bless our love.

Grow old along with me

Two branches of one tree

Face the setting sun

When the day is done

God bless our love

God bless our love.

Spending our lives together

Man and wife together

World without end

World without end

Grow old along with me

Whatever fate decrees

We will see it through

For our love is true

God bless our love

God bless our love.

This was the first song we danced to as husband and wife. The last verse has even more meaning today. Whatever fate decrees, we WILL see it through.

Happy Anniversary my dear Husband.

The New Me

I mentioned that one of the books that I read recently was 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. (Sadly I still have not figured out to underline titles within the text of my blog. Ahhh.)



I really enjoyed this book. I highly recommend it if you have not already read it. I am happy to loan my copy to anyone who would like to read it. I have marked several pages to revisit later.



Here's what I learned about myself and this process after reading this book:



1. NEVER underestimate the power of prayer. Thousands upon thousands of prayers were said on Jeremy's behalf and also for our family. I do not believe that your prayers and my prayers were in vain, they just didn't align with God's will for Jeremy. I have witnessed miracles within this tragedy. I have witnessed other miracles happening around us in the PICU. I still pray every day, all the time.

2. I am amazed at the number of people that God used along this journey. Sometimes I wish I could physically count each and every one. I can only imgaine what that number must be. I wish we could gather together in one place. I imagine about how amazing that would feel to see you all, our Prayer Warriors.

2. "some things happen to us from which we will NEVER recover, and they disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is. Human nature has a tendency to try and reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal."

I have wasted so much time since Jeremy died thinking about the way things ought to be. I ought to have four kids here on earth. I ought to be able to tell the world that Jeremy was healed. I ought to be able to put away the baby stuff when Jeremy grew out of it and didn't need it anymore. I'm not ready now. . . (There's way too many to list here) These thoughts rob me of enjoying the moments that I have been blessed to have today. It's like you can only enjoy something to a certain point. For example, when I go to school with my youngest child and marvel at his eyes discovering new things. It's almost like you can see them thinking at this age. Then it starts, I start crying because I know I will never experience this moment with Jeremy. There it is, the rest of the joy. . . well it's trapped with Jeremy. That piece of my heart is with him and it will be forever I suppose.

I need to adjust and accept the way things are and the way things are going to be. They won't change no matter how many tears I cry. I just don't know who I am anymore. There is no way I could have ever returned to the ways things were even if Jeremy had survived this ordeal. But he didn't . . . I am left here wondering where to put my feet down next. I suppose this is a painful process to watch if you are a family member or a friend of someone going through grief. Who knows what will happen, who I will become, but I just hope it is something good.

These " I ought to moments" remind me of the very things that most of us take for granted every day, things that can be taken from us permanently and suddenly, and leave us forever changed.



One a different topic. Please pray for friends of ours, a little guy named Christopher. His sister passed away this summer and now he too is facing some pretty serious health problems. I talked with his Dad today and he has been scheduled for surgery early next week. Please keep his parents in your prayers. These are real tough times for this family.

While we are praying. . . here's a few more requests:

We were fortunate to meet several AMAZING families at the hospital. We will forever feel a connection and a bond to these folks. We are so grateful that they have continued to stay in touch with us and have reached out to us to help us out along this journey. These children are home but are not always without challenge, pain, and difficult times. Please pray for their continued healing and strength.

Many things have left a mark on my soul. I am continually in awe of the medical staff that cared for my sweet Jeremy. I amazed how every day people that you might otherwise meet on the street, are the very people that walk the line of miracles and tragedy every day. They must be affected in big and small ways by what they see and encounter during their hours spent with their patients. Yet, at the completion of each child's journey, however it turns out, they get up and do it all over again. They do it with all the love and compassion that you could ever want for your child. If any of you are reading this , you have my deepest admiration.

I pray that people know the tremendous impact it has on one's life when people take the time to reach out and lend a hand, a shoulder, or their hearts. I feel loved in a way I thought was never possible. I pray that each and every angel on earth knows the depth of my gratitude. I pray that together we can impact someone else's life too!

Selfishly I ask for your prayers for myself. I am haunted by the images of the hospital. Lately, I struggle daily with reliving those moments over, and over, and over, and the feelings that came with them.

With the Most Grateful Heart,
Amy

Standing before the Burning Bush

It took some time to get things in order but it finally happened. We took a family vacation to the beach last week. I spoke before about how our other children keep us focused on life moving on. Yet sometimes it is also hard because doing things for them can also be painful. Going to the beach, to our favorite place in the world, to the place where we usually find peace and serenity, was definately the right thing to do. I don't regret going at all. A mixed bag of emotions stayed with us the whole week. It's another first. A first family vacation without Jeremy. Not just any vacation, but to the beach. We returned to the beach where I left last summer very pregnant and very excited to welcome a new member to our family. It was strange to return and not have that baby with us.

I had a counseling session just before we left for the beach. I was challenged to change my perspective on this chapter of my life. I tried my best to keep this session in mind throughout the week. Making changes is hard and I guess unreasonable to expect it to happen overnight.


The beach is sacred to our family. We can go and the rest of the world seems to disappear. We focus on our family and leave better people and a better family. The beach holds precious memories never to be forgotten. I knew that this vacation would be different. It wouldn't have mattered if we went a month later or ten years later, the hurt would be the same. It was something we just had to do sooner than later. The waves would not and could not wash away a hurt this big. God can. ( if I would just let him and trust him completely with my life and with Jeremy's). I remain in a holding pattern with Satan. Just where he wants me to be. I KNOW Jeremy is in a better place, I KNOW I will see him again, I KNOW he is perfect and healthy now. I also KNOW the size of the hole in my heart and just how very much I miss him. Can you see where I am stuck? Satan wants me to stay sad and angry. He wants me to still ask WHY??? He wants me to focus only on the negative aspect of this story and not on the good that has already happened and what remains yet unseen. I need my heart and my mind to be better aligned and to put my money where my mouth is. If I really trusted God's will for Jeremy and for me, then why am I sad and so shaken? If I really believed with my whole self then I would know in my soul that God is good and it will all unravel to the most beautiful story that I have ever heard when Jeremy greets me in heaven someday. I would not be sad.

I'll share an example to further illustrate where I am and where I want to move away from.
The first day we were there a family strolled past us on the beach. There was a Dad and four children. (wait it gets better) There were three boys and a girl. ZINGER to my heart. It felt like watching what our family would be like if things didn't end the way they did. And why did they have to sit right next to me on the beach?

I saw the baby pool in the closet. I imagined Jeremy splashing in the water and watching his siblings soak up utter joy and happiness on the beach. I imagined a life at the beach with Jeremy. I imagined him being in my arms and the world seeming to melt away because my life was as perfect as I could ever want it to be. Not a care in the world...

I watched as my little guy became frustrated. The older two children were deeply involved playing in did not wish to include their rotten two year old brother who knocks down the very castle and tunnels that they are trying to build. Well I imagined a time when the older two would play and then the little guys would play. My little guy didn't have a buddy.

See the holding pattern. . . these things will never happen. The sooner that I truly accept the reality of the situation the easier things will be. Acceptance is tough. There are many levels to truly accept something with this gravity.

So two things happened over the course of the week. There was some success. I tried my best to alter my thinking when these thoughts of sadness creeped into my mind. I attempted to fill my mind with thankful thoughts. Mostly for my children, my husband, and our family. I marveled at the sight of my beautiful children playing on the beach. Then I was angry that I could not enjoy the experience fully because the grief was such a heavy load to carry. I was thankful that Jeremy would not suffer anymore and that he is perfect in the Lord's loving care now. I stayed focused on him looking down on me from heaven in the arms of Jesus smiling at me with his scrunched up nose. I focused on the thought that I am a blessed and priviledged person in so many ways. To say that that this was a constant battle within my soul would be a huge understatement. The battle was so strong that I think my husband could hear and see the damage from the outside looking in. There was progress, I could feel it. The new perspective was somewhat comforting but there was the pain leftover that I couldn't extract. So guess what happened? I exploded on Thursday. All those feelings that I stufffed back down came roaring out with a vengence and then I did feel a little better.

I've read that it seems to get worse before it gets better. Where there is a will, there's a way. I do not like this place where I am. I desire a way out. I know in order to do that I will have to trust a lot more and fully align my heart, soul, and mind to accpet God's will for my life. I am standing at the foot of the burning bush. The Lord is asking me to take off my shoes. . .

Today's Dose of Sunshine

Sunshine Is. . . (In no particular order)

Knowing that God gives me grace to face today and whatever that brings. He will walk beside me and when life gets too hard, he will carry me. (Even when I am Angry!)

Going out of my way just to drive past some of the most beautiful sunflowers that I have ever seen.

Feeling sad about my perspective on an issue, only for my children to show me a different perspective, a happier one. Life really can be simple, kids can teach us that so often.



Feeling proud of my children as they begin a new school year. They are adjusting better than I am. My children go to a great school where the teachers and staff have embraced them even tighter than ever before.



Having a husband that loves me unconditionally. A husband who helps calm my soul.



Jeremy. I will love you all the days of my life and then some. You have brought so much good to my life even though some of it hurts so much right now. I am thankful to have had the priviledge to be your mommy, even for just a short while here on earth. I will see you face to face someday. . . until then, catch my kisses on angels wings.



My cherubs here on earth. They remind me to smile every day.



My family. They are stuck with me, but they choose to love me anyway.



My old friends who have not disappeared. My new friends who I have been honored to meet. Thanks for walking through the storm with me. Thanks for showing me that the sun still shines even if it is behind the clouds.



Coffee. Especially Starbucks Dark Chocolate Iced Coffee.



A good book. Right now I am reading 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper and The Shack. I know the titles should be underlined but I can't figure out how to do that. I guess that will be sunshine for another day.

Feeling Tech savy (just a little) because I figured out how to change the template on my blog.

Mail. . . snail mail and e-mail. I love going to the mailbox everyday. I love to get mail. I have found such profound inspiration and encouragement from some wonderful angels on earth. Opening my inbox to see actual messages rather than ads for shopping is great too. I feel so richly blessed and loved. Every message is helpful to my hurting soul. Thank you for loving me so much.

What is your sunshine today???

angry

I have been sitting on this post for awhile. I don't like these feelings that I have. I do however, need to let them out. They are real and powerful. These feelings are eating me away from the inside out, literally. I truly appreciate your prayers for me and for those I love so dearly. We are still in a great deal of pain. You will see what I mean as you continue to read.


Lord, you said to bring it to you. Whatever it is. . . well here it comes. I am angry.

I am angry. I am angry. I am angry.


I am angry that I have no where to put that anger. I have no one person to be angry with. I am angry that I do not know what to do with that anger that just boils inside my soul. I am angry that my anger is often misdirected toward other individuals without that intent. I am angry because I do not recognize myself, I do like this person that I have become. What do I do with this anger Lord. I want to give it to you.


I am angry at the situation and lack of control over it.



Iam angry that I cry everyday, many times even, everyday.



I am angry that my children have such a horrific tragedy to face at such an early age.



I am angry when I see them cry and I can't fix this one for them.


I am angry when I see my husband hurting Lord and I can't help him. We so many times need different things. We grieve differently. Things that feel helpful to him bring me pain and vice versa.


I am angry when My youngest little one is still "looking" for Jeremy. He continues to pray for him every night. I say, "Jeremy is better honey. He is all better, he is perfect. He lives with Jesus now." My child sadly responds "no" because he does not understand.


I am angry when I look at the VOLUMES of scrapbooks on the shelf for my other children. I am angry to be almost finished with Jeremy's album. That's it, that's all! There will never be another thing to add to it. I am also angry at myself for wanting more than what I was fortunate to have been given. Some other parents would give anything to have even what I have, some pictures and momentos of their child.


I am angry when I hold my son's lock of hair within mine. I have hair instead of my child. I will never hold his tender fingers in mine ever again. This is it. This hair represents the only thing that represents my child's physical presence in my life.


I am angry when I put away his crib, even though he never slept in it. I am angry that he will never sleep there.


I am angry that the kisses I send to my son are on angels wings. I am angry that I will never kiss his tender forehead while he innocently sleeps in the quiet of the night.



I am angry when I put away his clothing and I put it up to my nose hoping for that baby smell to still be there, but it's not.



I am angry to think he will never wear the clothing ever again. He will not wear the hand me downs from the other boys. I will not shop for the few things that need to be replaced after his two brothers have gone through the box of clothes and they are worn out.


I am angry when I see other babies with their families. I am angry when I think of what Jeremy would be like today and what our family would be like together.



I am angry Lord when I think about the hospital. Why God? Why did you heal other babies and children but not mine? Then I feel angry at myself for even thinking to question you Lord.


I am angry when I am so tired and forgetful that I can't complete even the simplest tasks. I have to write everything down. I can't remember yesterday's moments.


I am angry when I feel lost and in a fog all of the time.


I am angry when I think of what my son went through in his short life. He was sick and hurting so much.


I am angry when some parts of my life are so painful to endure.


I am angry to see my whole extended family grieving. What do I do with that?


I am angry to have people ask me " How many children do you have?" I should have four.


I am angry when the time comes to photograph our children. No matter the talent behind that photo session, I will not like that picture, someone is missing. Someone will ALWAYS be missing.


I am angry when I try to be the person that I once was. The same likes and dislikes do not fit. I am a new person. But who?


I am angry Lord when my stomach literally hurts from the pain in my soul. There are also other new physical manifestations of the pain in my soul. I do not want to hurt like this.


I am angry when I look at others and want their life. I want what I see on the outside. I compare my ugly insides with other people's pretty outsides.


I am angry when I just want some things in my life to be easy and peaceful. Most things are hard and frustrating.


I am angry when it feels like things are getting worse and more painful, not better.

I am angry when I should be excited. I should be excited on the first day of school and at the first soccer practice. Instead I am angry and sad. Jeremy will never go to school or play a sport. I am grieving the loss of all things that could've been. . . who he would be today and tomorrow, not just what he was yesterday.

I am drowning Lord in ANGER!!!

Most of all Lord, I am angry with myself. How dare I question your plan and the purpose that you have in mind for me. Please forgive me Lord. I hurt so badly. I wish I knew your purpose for me. I wish I could fast forward to the end so I could see how this journey ends. This journey hurts so deeply Lord. I wish there was another way to bring glory to your name. Here I am Lord. My mouth still sings praises to your name but with tears flowing from my soul.