Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

I thought I'd be asleep by now but here I am still awake and trying to make sense of some rather deep thoughts in my mind.

You filled my life with many beautiful, joyful, and memorable moments. You also dispensed a fair share of painful moments too.

As I reflect on the past year, the one thought that easily comes to mind is "deep". I have spent the last 365 days in a place of deep thought, deep reflection, and deep processing mode. The thoughts in my head are so constant and so loud that I sometimes wish I could turn them off and just be quiet. This place is exhausting. I long for the day when I can ride down a long, country rode, roll down the windows, let the wind blow through my hair, and just sing along to a favorite tune. A carefree moment seems so enticing!

I am grateful for the joy and love that was present in my life and in the lives of those near and dear to me. I am hopeful that 2010 will be filled with even more joy and sunshine. I want so much to believe that we are moving farther and farther from this place of such deep hurt and sorrow and yet I know that we aren't immune from the dark places in life. I have learned to appreciate each moment, each day, each experience, as an unrepeatable miracle moment. Each moment has created the very person that I am tonight, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am still standing. I am still looking for the sunshine to unfold in each new day.

I now understand that I am not leaving Jeremy behind with each passing day and in the turn of the new year. In fact, a friend reminded me that Jeremy is waiting for me in heaven. Each day that I am alive, I am one day closer to that long awaited reunion with Jeremy. I am not walking away from him but better yet toward him, and toward a life eternal with Jesus.

Thank you 2009 for the moments, the good and the not so good. They are each part of my life journey and I have so much to be thankful for.

Hoping that 2010 fills my heart with joy, peace, and sunshine. I sure could use some lighter and laughter filled moments in the next year.

With A Grateful Heart,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Mosaic Completed

A message that I am fairly sure that Crayola did not intend when it designed the Tinkerbell Mosaic Kit.

I had anticipated a night filled with activities and fun times to be had by each and every member of our family. I had done all the leg work ahead of time and even purchased ingredients to make a nice dinner. Yet, despite how hard I had worked to prepare for the night's festivities, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seemed to be going according to the plan. Or was it?

Our kids did not seem interested in the family fun craft.

I was feeling very helpless and unable to do what I wanted to help my extended family during a recent time of need because my kids were sick. I was home "stewing" over what I wanted to do, but couldn't do.

I was tired.

There were a few members of our family that were sick which is always exhausting as a parent.

No one was feeling themselves.

I made dinner that night but it wasn't the dinner that I had originally planned. About this time of the night, I began to feel as though someone else had taken taken over my life and was orchestrating events outside of my control. I was feeling angry and frustrated that I couldn't seem to get anything to go my way and I was pouting.

While I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I turned up the music, and tried to release some of the feelings that were building up in my soul. My daughter came to my side holding a craft in her hand. I took one look and realized that it was not the craft that I had wanted to make the family activity of the evening. I took a deep breath and gave in to her wishes, for I knew it was more important to spend time together and it didn't matter after all what we did, as long as we had fun. The boys didn't seem interested anyway, which would have only led to even more frustration on my part. So I gave in, and we began to make this craft together at our kitchen table.

It was a long and tedious job. My daughter wanted to make a Crayola Color Wonder Mosaic of Tinkerbell. We worked for quite some time, working with one color at a time, trying to get just enough of each color dough into each of the small crevices. (On a side note, play-doh of any kind is a great stress reliever. Man, you can squish the heck out of it, pound it, throw it, smash it, etc.) There was lots of teamwork involved and as we worked side by side, I started to hear a different message begin to present itself to me.



You see, the mosaic looked like my life. Here are some of the thoughts that began to race through my mind:

Life seems hard "to do" these days.

The "colors" of my life are all over the place!

The "colors" are overlapping into places that I didn't want them to go.

I can't seem to get the "colors" to fill some of the spaces in my life that I want them to, even when I try really hard.

My life seems disorganized.

My life seems ugly, really ugly.

My life seems unrecognizable to me now...

I feel like I need all of the instructions to my new life, but I can't have them, not all at once anyway.

I continued to work with my daughter, side by side, squishing the clay into each and every crevice, listening to worship music the whole time. She was singing and I was fighting back the tears and dealing with the now painful lump in my throat. Finally, after about an hour's work, we had finally finished. My daughter turned over the frame to reveal an absolutely beautiful Mosaic of Tinkerbell. The smile on her face was priceless. The message that reached my heart on this night was also life changing, and beautiful in it's own way as well.

As I gazed at the Mosaic that my daughter and I created, new thoughts immediately filled my soul and then tears of a different kind softly fell onto my already wet cheeks. And my did they ever flow...

God said, "I am YOUR partner, working right beside you. I am here, even when you cannot see me. I am supporting you, pruning you, preparing you, teaching you, and reinventing you." Shared from Strength for the Climb by Kristen Armstrong Matthew 28:20 (New Living Translation)
20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”


"I am helping you get the "colors" just right, the way I want them to be. Trust me, I know best. The colors are not overlapping, and they may seem to be all wrong, but indeed they are ALL right, each and every one!" Psalm 32:8 (New International Version)

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.


"This work that WE are doing together, it takes time and a lot of patience. It may be difficult, but I promise you, it WILL be worth it in the end."
Psalm 27:14 (New International Version)

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This picture that you are trying so hard to create, isn't really your picture after all. You are MINE, I have ransomed you and called you by name, so this is MY picture. Stop trying to control your life all by yourself,let Me show you the way..."

James 4:10 (New International Version)
10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.


"You do not recognize your life now because your life IS different now. You are journeying through a new phase of your earthly life, but I am with you, always, do not be afraid." Genesis 28:15 (New International Version)
15 I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."


"You don't need any instructions, just have faith,hope, and trust in ME. " John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

"Your life is not ugly. Your ways are not like my ways. Your thoughts are not like my thoughts, now have a little taste of what the life that we are working on together looks like from my perspective..."
Proverbs 3:5-6 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

"Your life, the life that I have given to you, IS beautiful! In fact, you are right on track with what I have planned for you."
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.




I, for one, am taking the risk of investing in God's kingdom. As my pastor reminds us, God will never send us to a place where He hasn't been before. He goes before us, leading and preparing the way. He knows when the road is rocky and also when the weather is good. He promises us that He will see us through, no matter the circumstances. He only asks us to step out in our faith... and do what He has called us to do. (shared from my pastor's message)

With a Grateful Heart,

Merry Christmas 2009




This is the photo that we used for our family Christmas card this year. It took us longer to create since there obviously weren't any photos for us to use with Jeremy in them this year. It was no doubt difficult to create but my husband succeeded in helping me to find a way to include Jeremy in our family card. In the end, I think we were all at peace with the way it turned out.

The beach is such a special place for our family. It just seemed natural to use a photo of the kids at the beach this summer.

Wishing each of you all the SUNSHINE that your hearts can hold this Christmas season and always!

With a Grateful Heart for the many wonderful ways we have been carried through this year,

Excuse Me While I Finish My Thoughts

I ask your forgiveness and patience while I finish my thoughs regarding the mosiac.

I don't know how that last post was published...HMMmm there are extra little hands running around here these days with the children home from school. We love listening to the worship music on this blog during the day. Perhaps I left open axcess for too long?? I obviously am also more busy these days with the holidays and spending more time with the kiddos.

I'll be back...soon I hope!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Tearful Night



I unexpectedly needed to be the parent wrapping ALL of the gifts tonight. I was so deeply sad that my husband could not be a part of this Christmas tradition with me, wrapping gifts for our children.

You see the numbness has fully worn off and I feel everything and anything!

I am blessed to be fortunate enough to wrap gifts for three children, but my heart wants to wrap for four...Was it so much to just want to wrap gifts with my husband? I needed him to wrap gifts tonight and to be beside me with this pain...it was too much...

I miss Jeremy,his presence in my life, and in our family every day, but most especially during holidays. During the holidays, when in the presence of family, Jeremy's absence from the day is so very real, painful, and even confusing.

I purchased gifts for Jeremy to donate to the hospital, but it wasn't the same, not even close. I fell apart. I wanted to wrap the very gifts that were on his Santa list too. I wanted to feel the same the joy anticipating the joy in eyes on Christmas morning too, just like the others. I fell apart. I need to allow myself to do that sometimes.

I purchased the ornament pictured above this week and was very proud to hang it on our tree. I know it is really referring to Jesus but I could not help but to be reminded of Jeremy too.

He reached my soul in ways that I never even imagined. A true gift...

I pray that I can remain in focus of the true meaning of Christmas, the true and only gift that our Savior was born to save us one and all from the sins of this world and to redeem us for an eternal life with Him. I give praise and thanksgiving to God that our Savior Jesus Christ "was born in the poverty of Bethlehem so that I might enjoy the riches of His grace and the exhaltation of Sonship with Him." Taken from My Prayer Book, a gift from a dear friend.

With A Most Grateful Heart,

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Do You Like Him?

Having locked his eyes on the now famous picture of Jeremy(featured on the home page of our blog),my youngest,living child pointed to the photo and asked "Mommy, do you like him?"

"Yes, honey I do" I replied.

Sweetly whispered "I do too Mom. That's Jeremy, he's with God."

Monday, December 21, 2009

Angel Mail #12


Dear Jeremy,

I'm sending a message from your sweet sister today. We send you special Christmas love on Angel's wings.

Love Always,
Mommy and Sister

Angel Mail #12

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Winter Weekending




Here's a few pictures showcasing our fun while "SNOWED IN" together. I apologize for the cramp that may develop in your neck as you watch the slideshow. I cannot figure out how to rotate the pictures on this particular website. :(

Our weekend has been full of:
snuggling
endless cups of hot chocolate with marhsmallows in and outside the mugs
Christmas movies
cookie baking
Christmas card making (they should be on their way soon)
sleeping in
soup making
video gaming
playing in the snow
shoveling snow
sledding
watching the snow fall
being thankful for a warm house with warm food
being thankful for our health
being thankful for the many ways our lives are richly blessed

How was your weekend?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Goodwill Toward Men

I am humbled by the outpouring of folks that continue to surprise me with their offers of generosity and compassion toward the hospital and respite house in Jeremy's memory. I can't tell you how much it means to know that he is remembered and how his legacy lives on throughout the seasons of the year. Most importantly, I know how much this items will comfort children and families facing a difficult time right now in their lives.

As you know, the Christmas holiday season is approaching and quickly I might add. There is so much need all around us in the world today. The economy has changed, folks have lost their jobs, and there is despair in the eyes of so many. I know I do not NEED a single tangible thing. I am feeling so very blessed to be able to say that and yet I am hurt deep within knowing that it isn't true for everyone in the world. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

I am writing to encourage you, if you are able, to help someone else in need this Christmas season. In fact, while reading through the monthly newsletter of the respite house where we stayed during Jeremy's illness, I stumbled upon this quote. It just about sums up my mantra over the last year. "We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee." - Marian Wright Edelman

We are taking items to the hospital and to the respite house this holiday season. We welcome the participation from other Prayer Warriors. Please forgive me for the lack of notice. I will continue to support these places for all the days of my life. Also note, that our help and support isn't seasonal, support is needed 365 days a year. I will try to do better next year at allowing more time and notice so that others can participate if they desire.

There is a need for:

infant toys
toys/items for teens
blankets
non spill bubbles
CD players
Uno games
wubb a nubs
hair detangler and other hair accessories such as barrettes and pony tail holders
nail polish (small bottles)


For the Respite house:

Queen size white sheets
laundry detergent, softener, etc
non-perishable food and especially snacks
Keurig coffee pods
toiletry items for parents shampoo, conditioner, razors, deodorant, etc.
gift cards to Safeway
disposable cameras
white washcloths, white bath towels
Swifter floor cleaning supplies

Again, these items are for use 365 days a year. The spirit of Christmas can carry over into every month of the new year.

Thank you again, to those who have already donated and to those who may inspired to do so in the future. It means more than you will ever fully know.

With a Grateful Heart,

Sunday, December 13, 2009

One Little Coupon

**Update**

I truly meant to share the recipe for the Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf mentioned in my story.

Ingredients:
1 egg
1/2 cup of chicken or turkey flavored stuffing mix
3/4 cup of whole cranberry sauce divided
1/4 t salt
1/8 t pepper
1 lb of ground turkey

Directions:
Mix egg, stuffing, and 1/4 cup of the cranberry sauce. Add salt, pepper, and turkey. Mix well. Bake meatloaf uncovered at 350 for 55-65 minutes. Heat remaining cranberry sauce in the microwave and then pour it over the meatloaf during the last 15 minutes of cooking time.

Freezes well.


Original Post-
I have been participating in a meal swap for a few months. Each member of our group prepares six of the same entree and then we all get together once a month to swap the meals. I make six of the same meal and leave with five additional meals that make my life incredibly easier on weeknights at 5 pm.

The crowds and the long lines at virtually every shopping center known to man, left me with the alternative choice of grocery shopping on Saturday. Everyone was in a hurry and there were visible signs of impatience and Grinchy attitudes to be found at every stop along the way. I realized that it wasn't in my best interests to waste so much time and get so little done, so plan B was put into action. Despite the crowds, even in the grocery store, I decided that I needed to purchase the ingredients for my meal this month, Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf. I wanted to make something a little festive for the Christmas season.

Each time I have gone to the store to purchase ingredients for the swap meal, I find myself on the receiving end of many stares and comments regarding the contents of my cart. People will often ask me if they have missed a sale, especially on the meat. I usually entertain their thoughts with a brief explanation. Seriously, imagine a cart filled with six whole chickens, etc.

This Saturday was no different, except I ALSO filled the cart with items that I personally needed for my own family. I should have taken a photo of my cart. I literally could not fit another item in the cart if I tried. Ha!

When it was time to check out, there were long lines of course. I managed to walk all the way to the end of the aisles in hopes of finding a shorter line and I did. I informed the cashier that I would be receiving the "Abnoxious Cart Award" today. He laughed and said, it was the bagger that he felt sorry for.

Shortly there after, a woman got into line behind me. The last comment of the day."That's some order you've got there!" I think was how it all started. I explained the meal swap thing, told her about my recipe, and also how I hadn't been to the store for awhile beyond the short order stuff, so my pantry was really bare of the staples. She seemed to like the sound of the recipe and the wait in line, while the cashier rang up my groceries, was passing by with a friendly conversation.

"Do you have any coupons?"
I replied, "NO, I forgot them today. I didn't plan on shopping today. Oh, well"

"Do you have one of those percentage off your whole order coupons? That's the coupon you really need with an order of that size." Once again, I replied, "No, I don't have any coupons today. I tried to buy what was on sale and I have my bonus card, so that will have to be sufficient."

"Here, take mine! It's just me and my husband and our daughter, the most I would ever save would be a few bucks. I bet you will really save a lot!"

"No, I can't accept that coupon, you use it for your own family."

She smiled and said, "No, I insist. I will get so much joy just seeing how much you save with the help of this coupon."

I did accept the coupon from the woman and my heart was filled with joy. I knew I would indeed save a significant amount with the use of that coupon, but it was more than that. I was on the receiving end of a generous and complete random act of kindness. Holiday cheer. We both smiled watching the coupon being scanned and saw that I had saved almost $25. I again offered her some money to compensate her for the coupon, and she declined that offer too.

Humbled by her kindness, I said, "Here, at the least, take my recipe and try the meatloaf for yourself. I hope you like it. I've heard it is pretty good, and I think I'll probably make it again. You know, I will think of you and your kindness every time I make this meatloaf."

"And I'll think of you too!" she said.

It's amazing how one little coupon made such an impact on my heart . It was the random act of kindness that impacted me more than saving money.

A stranger blessed me today with her generous spirit. I will pay it forward and use that savings to help others in need.

Have you witnessed the true spirit of Christmas this year? PLEASE share. We could all use the heart warming inspiration.

With a Grateful Heart,

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Faith

Author unknown (to me anyway) I found this on the wall at my children's school. I found myself reading it and rereading it...

Faith is risking what is yet to be.
It is taking small steps knowing they lead to bigger ones.

Faith is holding on when you want to let go.
It is letting go when you want to hold on.

Faith is saying yes when everything says no
It is believing all things are possible in the midst of impossibilities.

Faith is looking beyond what is and trusting what will be.
It is the presence of light in darkness.

It is the presence of God in all.


I am grateful for His presence in my life, every day, all the time, through it ALL.
He has carried me and here I am. Faith, yeah, I have it. I hurt. I cry. I am angry. I am sad. But...through it all, I have faith. He said...bring it to me Amy. I understand. I care. I am weaving the scene that is unseen, just wait...He shows up and carries me through it all.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Birthday Gratefulness

As you can imagine, I am emotionally wiped out from yesterday. It has been an exhausting month and a part of me is a little happy to see November go and to welcome a new month.

I did want to briefly share how much it meant to us to have several kind emails, cards, and other remembrances of Jeremy and his BRIGHT life on his birthday. We all appreciated the time so many of took to show your compassion. It truly made a difference in the hearts of a grieving family.

While we were unable to have the celebration that we wanted, we are sure that Jeremy did!

I'll be back later to share a little from our celebration of his life on his birthday.

With A Grateful Heart,