Friday, December 31, 2010

Farewell 2010

I still do not like Goodbyes. Farewell until we meet again sits better with me. I
The year is coming to an end in just a few hours. It is hard to believe that another whole year has gone by. I'd like to carry many memories of 2010 with me into the future and keep them close at heart always. There are also memories that I would soon like to forget and wish that the circumstances were different all together. I cannot pretend for a second that I have any control over any of it, the good or the bad. However, there have been lessons embedded within both and for that I can attribute the growth into the person that I am tonight.

I am looking onward to 2011 because ready or not here it comes. I am willing to embrace whatever the year may hold for me and for my family. I pray that we find more joy and laughter this year. Whatever each day holds for us, we are anchored and trusting in God's plan. Thank you for reading and staying tuned even when there are long pauses between posts. We truly appreciate your continued prayers and support for our family. We wish you all a Joy Filled New Year!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Christmas

I've been saturating myself in the moment this Christmas season and trying to keep my head above water. Lots to share. I'll be back soon.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Quiet Time

A rare moment happened just now. I finished my tasks for the evening and decided to curl up in what has been recently named "the Reading Chair" to read. What might someone like me read on a night like tonight you ask? Children's books and some very special ones I might add. I curled up and attempted to get warm and snuggly. I read some books in preparation for my day tomorrow. More on that later...

These words will linger with my heart tonight and hopefully help me ease into sweet dreams.

'You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are." - Wherever You Are my love will find you by Nancy Tillman

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fish in Parchment

A little housekeeping first...I am not sure why to be exact but it would seem that I have failed to complete the task of visiting the publish comment confirmations for some time now. If you are one of the kind folks that has taken the time to write to me, please know that your messages have been received, read, and appreciated precisely when you sent them. I am so sorry for the delay in their appearances here in the blog world.

You guessed it, my monthly meal swap meets tomorrow. We all had a wild card this month with Christmas around the corner. I am going out on a limb and preparing our first recipe using fish.

My recipe is for Fish and Shrimp with Sugar Snap Peas in Parchment.
I got the recipe here. I love cooking fish in foil pouches or parchment paper. It is so easy and delicious each and every time. With the pouch, clean-up is a cinch too. I used Tilapia for this recipe but I would imagine many other types of fish could be used. I opted for the foil packets this time since I was unsure how thawing would work with the parchment paper. I didn't want to make the paper soggy during the thawing process.

Thank you also for the many comments and suggested variations for Magic Bars. It looks like it is very possible that this dessert will work it's magic and my pants will no longer fit me anymore.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Magic Bars

Have you ever made Magic Bars? I've made the ones that Betty Crocker helps you make before, but never from scratch. I always wondered why they called them Magic Bars...Well I now I know, would you like me to let you in on the secret?

I found a new recipe book the other week. I might be turning into Betty Crocker...

This week an opportunity presented itself where I would need/want to provide homemade goodness. Okay, Okay, more of the want side but who's asking? I returned to the recipe books to find a recipe for a cookie/bar that I could make using ingredients that were currently taking up residence in my pantry. The answer? Magic Bars. They were magically easy, five ingredients folks. They were also magically easy to prepare and bake.

When all was said and done, I wasn't able to attend the event planned due to illness. Hmmm Magic Bars magically entered the dessert picture in our house. And they magically disappeared too! It only took 48 hours to devour the entire pan of Magic Bars in our house. How bad is that?

Want the recipe? Thank the good people over at Gooseberry Patch, specifically, Ms. Melanie Heffner
She helped make a little Homemade Holiday Magic over at our house this week.

Magic Bars

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter or margarine melted
1 1/3 cups of graham cracker crumbs
14 ounce can Sweetened Condensed Milk
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips ( I used the whole bag- didn't even measure...)
1 1/2 cups of chopped walnuts

Directions:
Stir together butter and graham cracker crumbs , press into a 13x9 baking dish. Pour milk over crumb mixture, sprinkle with chocolate chips and walnuts. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until edges are browned and bubbly. Makes 2 dozen.


Now you know why they are called Magic Bars. They call for magically easy ingredients, they are magically easy to make, and they are so magically delicious that they magically disappear too. If only other things in life were just that easy...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Fully Stocked

Yesterday I delivered a TRUNK LOAD of tissues to the PICU.
I think I used about that many writing my last post...

Thank you to each and every person who made that donation possible. It is an amazing feeling to be able to do something positive in a place where there is so much pain and suffering. There are many, many tears shed within those walls every single day. Thanks to all of you, there will be a little bit of a softer place for those tears to land and hopefully the love and prayers attached to each and every pack will impact a hurting hurt too.

They loved the boxes of tissues decorated with blue bows and sunshine stickers. Truth be told, those simple details made me smile too! Thanks C. and friends!

My vehicle was emptied there at the hospital but my heart was FILLED again. Funny how that happens. I am grateful for that too and without your help, that gift to a grieving mother's heart would not be possible.

Please keep the children who are patients there and the amazing staff close in your prayers. I hear that things have been particularly tough there in recent weeks.

My shelves are empty and ready to be filled again. Will you help me? For those who may be new to this project, I collect donations of purse sized tissues. Any brand will do, Kleenex, Puffs, Trader Joes, or even the ones at the dollar stores. Trust me when I say that any of these tissues are 100X softer than the ones available in the hospital. For sanitary purposes, they must be the individual packs of tissues. They usually come in packs of three, eight, and also ten. Any amount will truly help! I am grateful for your continued support of this project. The staff at the PICU share with me all the time how grateful the parents in the PICU are too!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Angel Mail #17

Dear Jeremy,

Oh how Mommy misses you! Most days I feel as if time hasn't moved beyond that day in the hospital when I held you in my arms for the last time and we had to part from one another. Saying farewell to you that afternoon was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and walking out of the hospital later that day, without you in my arms or the hope of ever doing so, was the second hardest thing that I have ever done. When you were sick we used to joke about the way clocks operated in the hospital. There wasn't any sense of predictability to time there and yet over the many weeks that we spent there, it became normal and we adjusted. I guess it was that we signed up for the long haul. We truly believed that together we were capable of anything that was thrown our way, and that yes, we could be patient for our miracle to happen.

For a long time it seemed like our experience in the hospital with you would end with a miracle just as we had hoped for and that we would spend the rest of our lives filled with the most enormous amount of gratitude. Our story was being written word by word and we thought we knew just how the story would end. We had high hopes and never lost sight of that dream, not even for a moment. We started writing the story in our minds of how when you faced the normal childhood fears and traumas of life, that we would remind you of all that you had already accomplished as a sweet,innocent baby boy, of the strength that you possessed, the many ways that you made an impact on humanity, and what you had, by the grace of God,already triumphed. In my dream we would hold you in our arms and all would be in proper perspective and right with the world again.

Well...you and I both know that your story, our story, did not end quite the way I had imagined. Sometimes I wonder if your story has really ended. I still see such purpose to your life, even today, all these days later after you have left this earth. It comforts me to see your story kept alive in the hearts of so many, some that I have never even met. It's hard to capture and comprehend all that you have done and continue to inspire in present time even though there is a date after the dash by your name. I am so proud of you.

Lately, and I guess rightfully so, I have fallen back into a place where I just can't figure out how to balance it all. There are so many questions in my mind that I simply wear myself searching for answers that simply won't come. How do we continue to walk step by step as a broken family? How do we live each day honoring and keeping your memory alive in a healthy way? How do we grieve in a way that others can see and understand how to love us? How do we continue to live in the shells of the people that we once were, but have long said good bye to as well? There isn't much left of the old me, yet that is all that people who knew me before this story was written, can see. How can I be free to become the new person that I need to become yet also free to change in sync with your father and continue to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage? How can I embrace this metamorphis of this new life without you, a mother living, yet also having parted from one of her children. I still have three of your siblings on this earth that I am responsible for...How can I make them understand when I don't understand myself???

When I allow myself to remember with all my senses the way life once was when you were in my arms, time is ever so confusing. I simply cannot figure out how we got here and why this all happened. I think I have let go of needing to know the answer to why? I know that my heart just won't and can't understand fully that you are gone, it hurts more than a human mother's heart can handle. So I understand that my mind just won't allow it and that there is disconnect there.

In recent months I have been wondering so much about you. You were a baby when we parted ways, but now in today's time you would be three years old. By now, you would have developed a personality of your own. I wonder what you would be like? I wonder if your hair would have fallen out and grown back in blonde just like your siblings? I wonder what your sleep routine would be? What story would have been your favorite to read each and every night? What special CD would we play while we snuggled you before that peaceful slumber? I wonder what your favorite color would be, what your first words would have been, what ALL of your favorite things would have been? I wonder about how we would have spent our special time while your siblings were in school, just like the story that I wrote in my mind. I wonder about the Christmas gifts that would have been bought for you and not in memory of you? I wonder what our family would look like had the story continued the way I had imagined to be all those years ago? I beat myself up daily for not trusting in my Lord enough to see that His way is better than mine. The pain is ever so great and my arms just ache from not being able to feel your presence daily. The questions and wonderings just won't stop and the anger forms from the loss of getting to know you. I cannot seem to find the comfort that I so desparately want and need in YOU. I cannot spend time just immersed in you and all of your favorite favorite things because I never really got the chance to know you...I have only my imagination, and that's only my made up version of your story. I am also grateful knowing that I had more time than others have had, but the time we have, is it ever enough??? If you can hear my heart whisperings, know that there is never enough time. Perhaps I am selfish for wanting more of you. I don't wish for your suffering to have continued but I do long for the good times to have been lengthened somehow...for more of the good stuff to have happened inbetween the dash for you at first, but now, selfishly for me. I want so badly on these hard days just to soak you in the sunshine of you and the good memories and not the battle between the bad memories and my imagined thoughts. I don't want to remember so much pain and suffering that you endured. Your suffering on earth outweighed your good times. It is so painful for us mortal souls to mourn those we love and are forced to let go of so early in life. The songwriter, Sarah Mclachlan, writes
It's late and mornings in no hurry
but sleep won't set me free.
I lie awake and try to recall how your body felt beside me.
The silence gets too hard to handle, and the night is too long.


I imagine you now, FREE and SOARING in heaven and that is all that gets me through this pain that tries to swallow me up in one bite each and every morning.
I am giving my very best effort to not become bitter in this world where pain, suffering, reminders of you, and a life that I once had and had to let go are every where I go...

I am trying to write a new story but I just don't how...

I am trying to trust and rest in the truth that God does know your story and my story for that matter too. He knows how all the parts of my story, the good, the bad, and the ugly, work together for my greater good. They work together hopefully to bring GLORY to Him. I pray each day that I am transparent for all to see that I am real. You were real. My grief is real. You leapt into the arms of Jesus and I in turn, ran faster towards him too. I prayed and continue to pray that with each and every step that I take, beginning right from that one that fateful day in June of 2008, when I took my first step onto the elevator leaving the seventh floor of the hospital that God would lead me and that I would follow Him. You see my feet wanted to dig deeper than ever into the tile and to promise not to EVER leave without you, but my heart had assurance that it wouldn't be for long. I slid down the side of the elevator frame holding on for dear life, but the doors still opened, and I remember that I cried out sounds that still permeate my soul to this day. Somehow, I don't know how, I got on that elevator. I don't remember much about how we even got home or anything else for that matter about that day. Perhaps that is the mind's way of coping with such tragedy. Here I stand here today, some two years later, and I am still praying for strength to take each step. With God by my side, nothing is impossible, because I am somehow still standing. The grace comes at the precise moment when it is needed and not a moment before.

I throw my arms up to the sky and pray for Him to lead the way...to write the story...for me to find the continued strength to just follow the script that my Lord and Savior has written, instead of trying to write my own story.

I pray that tonight I can find some rest now that I am finally able to release these thoughts to you, where they belong.

All my love, always and forever, to you, on Angel's Wings,
Mommy


P.S. I would welcome a peaceful and happy dream of you...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

December

Ahh... A new month.

I am working on my reflections of Jeremy's 3rd birthday. For now , I will share that it was as painful as I have remembered in years past. I was truly hoping that it wouldn't be for some reason this year, but it was. I am learning to accept that he was loved well so he is missed well too! Missed well equates to many tears...
I have learned to surrender to the pain this year. There was nothing that I could do to make it go away...I have lost so much energy fighting what just isn't mine to have anymore...he really is gone. The life that I had planned happened and is now just something different. There isn't a way to go about recreating what once was, it's bigger than that, and just not possible. People aren't replaceable. I really can't celebrate his birthday the way I want to, so I can either fight a losing battle or surrender. I surrendered.

Jeremy's birthday:
It was painful and filled with many tears.
It was a day filled with pain deeper than tears.
It was also beautiful.
It was a day filled with pure love.
It was a day to rejoice that Jeremy is happy, healthy, and perfect now in every way.
It was a day of remembrance for a child that truly changed some hearts in this world, most especially mine.

I will end tonight with thankfulness for the love, compassion, and also creativity in the ways that others chose to honor our son on his third birthday. Each and every single gesture of love was monumentally helpful in our ability to cope with the pain we faced on Jeremy's birthday.

Simply stated, to know that he was remembered meant the world to us. I can't tell you enough how big of a difference it made to our family to know that our son was remembered and that his life was celebrated in the many ways that our family, friends, and prayer warriors chose to share on his special day.

I am grateful beyond measure tonight.

I am still recovering from the emotional exhaustion that I have come to know that soon follows the more difficult days. It is taking a bit longer for the fog to lift this time.