 |
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Tidal waves coming, Tsunami looming
How's this for timing. . . All in a day's work.
We said good bye to the toddler bed this afternoon. Our youngest was sleeping in one of the adorable toddler beds for a few months. He is an active sleeper and rolls around a lot. We've discovered that when he sleeps in a larger bed, he seems to sleep better. All three of my older children have slept in that bed during the toddler years. A new mattress set was purchased thanks to the Thanksgiving sales. The toddler bed came down for the very last time today and with it another tidal wave of grief washed in.
Jeremy will not sleep in this bed. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! We've added two cribs, two crib mattresses, and a toddler bed to the stack of Jeremy's stuff in our garage today. It is not supposed to be there!!!
Our youngest child's room is all his now. Good for him, bad for Mommy's heart. He was to share the room with his younger brother. One year ago, things were so very different in our house. They were supposed to share so much as they grew up together. In the past I have beamed with excitement as each of my children reached a new milestone. I can't seem to find that "whole" happy self as my little one screams with delight over his new "Big Boy" bed. I'm happy for him and sad for me all at the same time. Another multiple personality moment again.
Tears flow as I watch my husband maneuver down the stairs and past the basement door. These items will not go into our closet in the basement where they usually stay while waiting for the next child to grow into them. My husband continued past the basement door and into the garage and all too soon they will be gone from our house forever, just like Jeremy.
I am devastated!! This is just too much all at one time.
Lord, please calm me with the peace that only you can give me. My hands quiver and shake even at this very moment. Please carry me, I can't walk any farther. I can't do this.
We said good bye to the toddler bed this afternoon. Our youngest was sleeping in one of the adorable toddler beds for a few months. He is an active sleeper and rolls around a lot. We've discovered that when he sleeps in a larger bed, he seems to sleep better. All three of my older children have slept in that bed during the toddler years. A new mattress set was purchased thanks to the Thanksgiving sales. The toddler bed came down for the very last time today and with it another tidal wave of grief washed in.
Jeremy will not sleep in this bed. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! We've added two cribs, two crib mattresses, and a toddler bed to the stack of Jeremy's stuff in our garage today. It is not supposed to be there!!!
Our youngest child's room is all his now. Good for him, bad for Mommy's heart. He was to share the room with his younger brother. One year ago, things were so very different in our house. They were supposed to share so much as they grew up together. In the past I have beamed with excitement as each of my children reached a new milestone. I can't seem to find that "whole" happy self as my little one screams with delight over his new "Big Boy" bed. I'm happy for him and sad for me all at the same time. Another multiple personality moment again.
Tears flow as I watch my husband maneuver down the stairs and past the basement door. These items will not go into our closet in the basement where they usually stay while waiting for the next child to grow into them. My husband continued past the basement door and into the garage and all too soon they will be gone from our house forever, just like Jeremy.
I am devastated!! This is just too much all at one time.
Lord, please calm me with the peace that only you can give me. My hands quiver and shake even at this very moment. Please carry me, I can't walk any farther. I can't do this.
Friday, November 28, 2008
The First Thanksgiving
I've heard and read many times how grieving families don't remember much of the first year following the death of a loved one. I can relate to that as I have trouble remembering the ins and outs of most days that go by, let alone a week, or a whole year. Well I would like to put this pain aside and not remember it. Maybe it's the mind's way of healing us one day at a time. However, with other children growing up in this house, I don't want to forget it ALL. There are still moments of joy, sweet memories, and yes, even sunshine. AHH Hah! Yet another useful purpose for this blog.
Well we survived our first Thanksgiving. It was horrible and exactly the way I expected it to be. That being said, we made the most of the day. I am so glad that we stayed home and chose to experience the holiday alone. It was just what we needed to do.
In the quiet stillness of the morning the idea came to me to make this centerpiece for our table. It provided some comfort for us during the day. We lit candles for Jeremy and some his friends that are with him in heaven now. We prayed for each of these families throughout the day, knowing that they were each most likely feeling the same things that we were. We all have a deep desire for our children to still be a part of whatever we do as a family, even if they can't physically be here with us on earth. We wanted our children to be remembered on Thanksgiving. I watched those candles like a hawk, quickly lighting a new tealight once they burnt out. These candles stayed on our table until the wee hours of this morning when I finally went to bed. I can't remember the name of the chemical in the turkey that makes you sleepy, but it didn't work this year.
I suffered from the mixed personality disorder again and it's so exhausting. There are large parts of my soul that are feeling so thankful for the abundant blessings in my life. Part of me wanted to list out each one, but the list was too long. I can also say that the depth of my thankfulness is much deeper than ever before. Yes, I am even thankful for the gift of Jeremy's life. BUT. . . that whole issue of being thankful for everything and in everything was a big debate in my soul. I see that it was the same in many other parents hearts that walk this journey with me.
I spent the morning enjoying a yummy Caramel Soaked French Toast casserole made for us by dear friends who have been a tremendous support to us. I am still in awe that despite the usual preparations for their own holiday, they thought of us and how our morning would begin. They decided our Thanksgiving would begin on a sweet note and it did. We watched a little bit of the parade and then I began to do my best to distract myself from the pain by cooking dinner.
It worked for awhile. I played some music and focused on recipes that I had never made before and as I said, I glanced at the candles at every chance I could. I prayed. I prayed a lot. I exchanged e-mails with my dear friends who are walking through this terrible storm with me. That also made me feel good. We knew where to find one another if the day got to be too much.
Then the enemy snuck in. I knew he was coming and he would take every chance he could to spin me out of control in grief and sadness. My armor was not strong enough...
The tears flowed uncontrollably. I felt like I could not even enjoy the meal that I worked so hard to prepare. I wanted to crawl into bed and wait until the morning came to peek my head out of the covers. I couldn't. There just aren't words to describe what happened next.
We gathered around our table filled with the abundant food that God had provided along with so many other blessings. We each took a turn to say what we were thankful for this year. Family friends, prayer warriors, everything that has been done to support us this year, employment, our health, (here I go again with that long list) were some of the things that were all said and many others in our hearts were also offered up to the Lord. It was what my two year old said that caused us all to stop and just sit in awe of the wisdom of even the little ones. He said " I'm fankful for Jesus and for Jeremy." Tears, tears, and more tears. Jeremy was deeply missed in our home and certainly at our table yesterday. He was forefront in our hearts and minds all day.
I was angry. I wondered what his first Thanksgiving would have been like had he been here. Is there Thanksgiving in Heaven? Would he have worn one of the precious hand me down outfits that have already been proudly worn by his brothers? What food would we have given him a taste of? What an honor it would have been to share all of our usual family traditions with him too. We missed those traditions, but this year it was too painful to do them without Jeremy. We missed our extended family. I didn't want to say or hear "Happy Thanksgiving". Happy would have been the last feeling that I would use to describe my feelings. Numb is more like it.
See the vast amount of feelings that one small soul can feel in just one day??? It really wears on you after awhile.
We ended the day with a little comedy act. Our children, in the true spirit of our family, put on a show for us. The tickets were a pricey $5 each but it was money well spent. We laughed and smiled together for the first time all day.
I am worn out as I expected to be. Now I must gather whatever strength I have left to prepare for yet another difficult day, Jeremy's birthday is on Sunday.
I pray that the grace of God fills me with the rest. I don't know how to do this. . .
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Five Grateful Souls
I think I can speak for my entire family when I say we are thankful for so much in our lives. We are richly blessed and can recognize each and every blessing, no matter how great or how small the gift. The trouble is that the grief and sadness we feel living without Jeremy can overwhelm us at times and cloud our vision and feelings of gratitude. We appreciate life so much differently now. God gives us the miracle of this very moment in time, today, nothing more.
Many people have blessed us with the gift of sharing the ways in which Jeremy has made an impact on their lives. We have treasured reading those e-mails and letters and they have provided our family with such comfort. I imagine they will continue to do so for a long time.
We are resting quietly tonight on the eve of Thanksgiving. I realized that it isn't just the holiday itself, it's the family traditions that come along with it that are agonizing my soul. My family traditions have changed over the years but mostly for good reasons. I have fond memories of holiday times growing up and naturally I want the same thing for my children. Trouble , I can't begin to fathom what tomorrow will bring. . . We have chosen to embrace the day and whatever comes with it. I am fearful of the whole in my heart and the magnitude of the pain that I am anticipating. I've read that the anticipation of the painful days is often worse than the day, but I haven't found that to be true myself, at least not yet anyway.
Many people simply follow along with those family traditions that are so special. I have heard many different ways of celebrating the holiday this week. I'll admit it, I am a slight bit jealous.
I am jealous because I desire a day filled with peace, happiness, and fond memories to be remembered. Our first Thanksgiving without Jeremy begins in less than 12 hours. I don't know what to really expect. I KNOW it will be hard. It will be hard for a number of reasons but mostly because the history of our family has changed permanently. We do not have the strength to face the usual holiday traditions without Jeremy. We do not have the strength to face the day, all the while being haunted by the hopes and dreams that were shattered five months ago. Tomorrow we will rewrite our family history and begin a holiday season with new traditions and new memories created without Jeremy here on earth. This is not what I wanted or planned. I am trying so hard to remember that is not mine to plan. My life and everything in it are gifts from God. I will choose to praise him for what he has given me and what he has taken away. We have chosen to go this path alone and let whatever comes to be, be the way we experience it. We have nothing to conform to and that is freeing. No pressure. . . That unfortunately is painful for our extended family and close friends to watch from the sidelines. They are hurting too. They can't fix this problem. Nothing anyone can say or do will change what has happened. People offer all the time the desire to carry even a little of this burden for us, oh how we wish that were possible, but it isn't. We must face the day head on and just get through it. Our family has been incredibly supporting and understanding and we can't thank them enough, but we need to do this part on our own. If I know anything, the Lord will be with us and he will grant us the mercy and grace we need to make it through the day, just as he has these last few months.
Ephesians 1:16-18 I have not stopped giving thanks to the Lord for you. I remember you in my prayers and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ , the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. I ask that your minds be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.
I will pray tonight that thankful thoughts fill my heart with peace and that the pain subsides for a moment.
For those reading this, please if you would, keep our family close to your heart and in your prayers tomorrow. We ask for prayers of comfort. Please pray that we are filled with thankfulness for Jeremy's life and the gifts that he has left in our hearts forever. Pray that we will see God's glory all around us. Please pray that there will be victory over the evil one who will do his best to win over our minds.
Many people have blessed us with the gift of sharing the ways in which Jeremy has made an impact on their lives. We have treasured reading those e-mails and letters and they have provided our family with such comfort. I imagine they will continue to do so for a long time.
We are resting quietly tonight on the eve of Thanksgiving. I realized that it isn't just the holiday itself, it's the family traditions that come along with it that are agonizing my soul. My family traditions have changed over the years but mostly for good reasons. I have fond memories of holiday times growing up and naturally I want the same thing for my children. Trouble , I can't begin to fathom what tomorrow will bring. . . We have chosen to embrace the day and whatever comes with it. I am fearful of the whole in my heart and the magnitude of the pain that I am anticipating. I've read that the anticipation of the painful days is often worse than the day, but I haven't found that to be true myself, at least not yet anyway.
Many people simply follow along with those family traditions that are so special. I have heard many different ways of celebrating the holiday this week. I'll admit it, I am a slight bit jealous.
I am jealous because I desire a day filled with peace, happiness, and fond memories to be remembered. Our first Thanksgiving without Jeremy begins in less than 12 hours. I don't know what to really expect. I KNOW it will be hard. It will be hard for a number of reasons but mostly because the history of our family has changed permanently. We do not have the strength to face the usual holiday traditions without Jeremy. We do not have the strength to face the day, all the while being haunted by the hopes and dreams that were shattered five months ago. Tomorrow we will rewrite our family history and begin a holiday season with new traditions and new memories created without Jeremy here on earth. This is not what I wanted or planned. I am trying so hard to remember that is not mine to plan. My life and everything in it are gifts from God. I will choose to praise him for what he has given me and what he has taken away. We have chosen to go this path alone and let whatever comes to be, be the way we experience it. We have nothing to conform to and that is freeing. No pressure. . . That unfortunately is painful for our extended family and close friends to watch from the sidelines. They are hurting too. They can't fix this problem. Nothing anyone can say or do will change what has happened. People offer all the time the desire to carry even a little of this burden for us, oh how we wish that were possible, but it isn't. We must face the day head on and just get through it. Our family has been incredibly supporting and understanding and we can't thank them enough, but we need to do this part on our own. If I know anything, the Lord will be with us and he will grant us the mercy and grace we need to make it through the day, just as he has these last few months.
Ephesians 1:16-18 I have not stopped giving thanks to the Lord for you. I remember you in my prayers and ask the God of our Lord Jesus Christ , the glorious Father, to give you the Spirit, who will make you wise and reveal God to you, so that you will know him. I ask that your minds be opened to see his light, so that you will know what is the hope to which he has called you, how rich are the wonderful blessings he promises his people.
I will pray tonight that thankful thoughts fill my heart with peace and that the pain subsides for a moment.
For those reading this, please if you would, keep our family close to your heart and in your prayers tomorrow. We ask for prayers of comfort. Please pray that we are filled with thankfulness for Jeremy's life and the gifts that he has left in our hearts forever. Pray that we will see God's glory all around us. Please pray that there will be victory over the evil one who will do his best to win over our minds.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I've been wanting and needing to write but my thoughts just won't settle. No inspiration. . . things are going down hill and fast. I wondered the other night if I was truly feeling worse or if it was the time of year? I still can't answer that question. I do know that I feel pretty darn low right about now and the holidays just aren't helping matters any.
I am STUCK living in a miserable place, just where Satan wants me. He sure has a tight grip on me and although I feel as though I want to be different, the feelings just remain. I am living every day hurting for what has been taken from me, grieving the loss of what was to come, and just plain sick about what has happened to my baby. I actually I do feel grateful to have so many blessings in my life but the pain of losing Jeremy is so heavy that it is overshadowing everything else in my life right now. Jeremy is all I think about and the pain of losing him is so heavy in my heart and in my mind.
This time last year I was due to deliver any day. We had experienced another difficult pregnancy but with a lot of prayers and hard work, it seemed as though we had made it through the woods and the odds of delivering a healthy baby were good. We were all eager to meet the newest miracle in our lives. Would it be a girl or a boy? What name would would choose from our list? What would this baby look like? We were really no different than any other parents ready to deliver a precious baby. Only this year, we are different, that baby is gone. Gone from this earth forever. . . My memories from last year seem confusing. Did I really have a healthy baby?
Thanksgiving is next week. I am dreading the day. I wish I could just skip it all together. I can't imagine feeling anything but pure sadness that day and it scares me. Jeremy's birthday is following close ,just three days later.
I have figured out that my life is like a puzzle. Jeremy's death changed my life puzzle but I can't seem to find the pieces to the new puzzle. All the pieces I find are from my old life and they do not seem to fit into this new life puzzle. I am ready to explode from grief. I am a mother, a mother permanently separated from her child, at least here on earth. So I spend my days "searching" . Of course I am not crazy. I know I cannot find my precious Jeremy even if I search the ends of the earth. I know where he is, he is in heaven with Jesus. But the human heart cannot rationalize that distance here on earth. My heart goes on beating and it cannot find him. That's why NOTHING seems to feel good or right in my life. The hardest part is that we know exactly what we don't want but we don't always have a clear vision of what we do want or knowing the things that will feel comforting.
Jesus, free me from Satan's wrath. I ask to be rescued from this place of pain and suffering.
Jesus, I pray today that you help my heart find a little peace. Help my heart to stop searching for my baby. Jesus help me rest knowing that you take care of him far better than I ever could. Jesus please rest my mind from worry. Please take away the images of my son sick and suffering, replace them with images of him healed and happy with you. Let my heart see that he dances in your arms in heaven today. He is fine now, in fact he is better than fine now. I remember him at four months old and my mind searches for what he would be like now at one year old. He's free from the evil of this world and for that I am thankful. Please forgive me for not being as grateful as I should be for my blessings in my life. Help me Lord to see in full the good that remains in my life, the good that you alone have given to me. Help me Lord, come and rescue me from this pain. I am on my knees begging for your mercy Lord. Show me the way to the good that you have planned for me. Help me see this miracle that you have created using my son, Jeremy.
I ask you to also be with those that carry this cross and burden with me. Lord they are hurting too. Please fill their hearts with peace and comfort that only you can give.
I am STUCK living in a miserable place, just where Satan wants me. He sure has a tight grip on me and although I feel as though I want to be different, the feelings just remain. I am living every day hurting for what has been taken from me, grieving the loss of what was to come, and just plain sick about what has happened to my baby. I actually I do feel grateful to have so many blessings in my life but the pain of losing Jeremy is so heavy that it is overshadowing everything else in my life right now. Jeremy is all I think about and the pain of losing him is so heavy in my heart and in my mind.
This time last year I was due to deliver any day. We had experienced another difficult pregnancy but with a lot of prayers and hard work, it seemed as though we had made it through the woods and the odds of delivering a healthy baby were good. We were all eager to meet the newest miracle in our lives. Would it be a girl or a boy? What name would would choose from our list? What would this baby look like? We were really no different than any other parents ready to deliver a precious baby. Only this year, we are different, that baby is gone. Gone from this earth forever. . . My memories from last year seem confusing. Did I really have a healthy baby?
Thanksgiving is next week. I am dreading the day. I wish I could just skip it all together. I can't imagine feeling anything but pure sadness that day and it scares me. Jeremy's birthday is following close ,just three days later.
I have figured out that my life is like a puzzle. Jeremy's death changed my life puzzle but I can't seem to find the pieces to the new puzzle. All the pieces I find are from my old life and they do not seem to fit into this new life puzzle. I am ready to explode from grief. I am a mother, a mother permanently separated from her child, at least here on earth. So I spend my days "searching" . Of course I am not crazy. I know I cannot find my precious Jeremy even if I search the ends of the earth. I know where he is, he is in heaven with Jesus. But the human heart cannot rationalize that distance here on earth. My heart goes on beating and it cannot find him. That's why NOTHING seems to feel good or right in my life. The hardest part is that we know exactly what we don't want but we don't always have a clear vision of what we do want or knowing the things that will feel comforting.
Jesus, free me from Satan's wrath. I ask to be rescued from this place of pain and suffering.
Jesus, I pray today that you help my heart find a little peace. Help my heart to stop searching for my baby. Jesus help me rest knowing that you take care of him far better than I ever could. Jesus please rest my mind from worry. Please take away the images of my son sick and suffering, replace them with images of him healed and happy with you. Let my heart see that he dances in your arms in heaven today. He is fine now, in fact he is better than fine now. I remember him at four months old and my mind searches for what he would be like now at one year old. He's free from the evil of this world and for that I am thankful. Please forgive me for not being as grateful as I should be for my blessings in my life. Help me Lord to see in full the good that remains in my life, the good that you alone have given to me. Help me Lord, come and rescue me from this pain. I am on my knees begging for your mercy Lord. Show me the way to the good that you have planned for me. Help me see this miracle that you have created using my son, Jeremy.
I ask you to also be with those that carry this cross and burden with me. Lord they are hurting too. Please fill their hearts with peace and comfort that only you can give.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Angel Mail # 2
Dearest Jeremy,
I couldn't believe how much better I felt after I wrote to you the last time. I think I'll give it another try.
It's been getting harder living on this earth without you my sweet baby. I can't seem to remember or think about the sweetness of you in my life. The images of your sickness and hospitalization are so vivid, dominant, and raw in my soul. It is haunting. I think I'm experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. When everything was happening, we had no choice but to go through it, doing all we could to save your life. I know you tried your best sweet one, you did all you could. It was just your time. . . I guess all the while I knew that your death was a possibility but I just couldn't accept that reality. Really what parent does? We all hope until there is none. . . I guess I was just so caught up in the miracle that I wanted for you that I couldn't see or understand that God would have a different one in mind for you.
What is heaven like baby? I wish I had a window to see you. On my really hard days, I try to imagine you in the arms of Jesus and angels. I imagine you facing outward, the way that you liked to be held. I imagine your smiling face and it really does calm me. Can you see me? Can you see us crying in sheer despair over your death and absence from our family? What can you share with me about your life with Jesus? ALL OF THE UNKNOWN IS JUST SO MUCH . I'm really not that good at this part. I'm the mother yet I feel that it is you that has so much to teach me. . . Most days my head and my heart dance apart. I pray everyday that I can come to acceptance.
I am just about finished working on a scrapbook that tells the story of your life here on earth. I know your life here on earth is just a blip of time where you are, but it is important to me and to your family. It has been both therapeutic and heart wrenching at the same time working on it. I foolishly keep thinking that if I just wait a little longer to finish it, then it didn't really didn't happen. You really didn't die. It still seems so impossible that this happens, yet it does.
Your Daddy and I are really struggling with the upcoming holidays. We feel like we are chained to train tracks and the train is coming. We know we will somehow get through each one but how??? Our life seems like a puzzle with missing pieces. Trying to do the same traditions and carry on without you feels like trying to put a misplaced puzzle piece in the wrong place. It just doesn't fit. Your Daddy says that it is easier knowing what we don't want, but we can't seem to find the answer to what we do want. This time last year, I was on bed rest, waiting for you to make your grand appearance into this world. You must know by now that I did all I could to ensure that you would be as healthy as possible. To be honest, I am angry that we wanted you so badly, we worked so hard, I threw up for so many months, I was on bedrest, etc. . . and I still don't have you in my arms to hold. It is truly the oddest feeling to remember such joy and anticipation one year ago and then to see our life now today, without you sweet baby. I just can't believe that this has happened. . . I went to someone's house this week and saw a nursery in the works for another sweet soul. It was a window to my old life. That was me one year ago. I couln't breathe when the closet door was opened. Of course I feel joy for my friend, but it is only natural to wonder why this has happened to you and to our family. I prayed to my myself silently " Help me Lord, because I don't understand your ways." I have all the same stuff, but no baby... My heart aches so very deeply.
You would have been celebrating your first birthday in a few weeks. We are busy planning a Blood Drive in your memory. We have no ability to change what happened to you. We can have some power over making a difference in someone else's life. We decided that giving life to someone else would be the best way to honor your life and the legacy that you have left behind. It hurts. I know that in my soul, I would have still have planned something like this AND had a party for you.
It amazes me just how many tears one human mom can shed. I know God counts each and every one. Is there really such a number???
I'm sorry that I don't have much joy to share with you tonight. You get the real me. . . not the face that I work so hard at showing everyone else.
Love,
Mommy
I couldn't believe how much better I felt after I wrote to you the last time. I think I'll give it another try.
It's been getting harder living on this earth without you my sweet baby. I can't seem to remember or think about the sweetness of you in my life. The images of your sickness and hospitalization are so vivid, dominant, and raw in my soul. It is haunting. I think I'm experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. When everything was happening, we had no choice but to go through it, doing all we could to save your life. I know you tried your best sweet one, you did all you could. It was just your time. . . I guess all the while I knew that your death was a possibility but I just couldn't accept that reality. Really what parent does? We all hope until there is none. . . I guess I was just so caught up in the miracle that I wanted for you that I couldn't see or understand that God would have a different one in mind for you.
What is heaven like baby? I wish I had a window to see you. On my really hard days, I try to imagine you in the arms of Jesus and angels. I imagine you facing outward, the way that you liked to be held. I imagine your smiling face and it really does calm me. Can you see me? Can you see us crying in sheer despair over your death and absence from our family? What can you share with me about your life with Jesus? ALL OF THE UNKNOWN IS JUST SO MUCH . I'm really not that good at this part. I'm the mother yet I feel that it is you that has so much to teach me. . . Most days my head and my heart dance apart. I pray everyday that I can come to acceptance.
I am just about finished working on a scrapbook that tells the story of your life here on earth. I know your life here on earth is just a blip of time where you are, but it is important to me and to your family. It has been both therapeutic and heart wrenching at the same time working on it. I foolishly keep thinking that if I just wait a little longer to finish it, then it didn't really didn't happen. You really didn't die. It still seems so impossible that this happens, yet it does.
Your Daddy and I are really struggling with the upcoming holidays. We feel like we are chained to train tracks and the train is coming. We know we will somehow get through each one but how??? Our life seems like a puzzle with missing pieces. Trying to do the same traditions and carry on without you feels like trying to put a misplaced puzzle piece in the wrong place. It just doesn't fit. Your Daddy says that it is easier knowing what we don't want, but we can't seem to find the answer to what we do want. This time last year, I was on bed rest, waiting for you to make your grand appearance into this world. You must know by now that I did all I could to ensure that you would be as healthy as possible. To be honest, I am angry that we wanted you so badly, we worked so hard, I threw up for so many months, I was on bedrest, etc. . . and I still don't have you in my arms to hold. It is truly the oddest feeling to remember such joy and anticipation one year ago and then to see our life now today, without you sweet baby. I just can't believe that this has happened. . . I went to someone's house this week and saw a nursery in the works for another sweet soul. It was a window to my old life. That was me one year ago. I couln't breathe when the closet door was opened. Of course I feel joy for my friend, but it is only natural to wonder why this has happened to you and to our family. I prayed to my myself silently " Help me Lord, because I don't understand your ways." I have all the same stuff, but no baby... My heart aches so very deeply.
You would have been celebrating your first birthday in a few weeks. We are busy planning a Blood Drive in your memory. We have no ability to change what happened to you. We can have some power over making a difference in someone else's life. We decided that giving life to someone else would be the best way to honor your life and the legacy that you have left behind. It hurts. I know that in my soul, I would have still have planned something like this AND had a party for you.
It amazes me just how many tears one human mom can shed. I know God counts each and every one. Is there really such a number???
I'm sorry that I don't have much joy to share with you tonight. You get the real me. . . not the face that I work so hard at showing everyone else.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, November 1, 2008
My Love to You on Angels Wings
Dear Jeremy,
I'll begin this letter by saying that this is the last thing that I ever thought I would be doing. I wish I could just snuggle up with you, see your sweet face, and tell you what's in my heart myself. I wish I could whisper these sweet nothings to you as you drift off to sleep in my arms.
Instead, I will write to you because it is all that is left that I can do. I am enlisting the help of some special angels. I hope you get this message.
Did you know that I scrapbook? I take millions of photos, to the point where Daddy thinks I capture every moment that you kids breathe. I just laugh because I know what I'm really doing is capturing every moment that I don't want to forget. I always thought that someday when I'was old and you kids were all grown up, we would sit around and enjoy reading all of the volumes of scrapbooks. I imagined that we would all laugh about the good times and share all of our favorite memories. Time flies. I know that even more, now that you have gone to your forever home to live with Jesus. I did take lots of pictures of you when you were here on earth and I am so very grateful for that. I look at your pictures every single day. When I see your picture, my stomach still does flip flops and sommersaults. I am still in disbelief that something like this could really happen. It still feels like a very bad dream that I can't shake.
Oh sweet baby Jeremy, I miss you and love you so very much. Mommy is so sorry that you had to endure so much during your brief life here on earth. My heart aches for you. I am sorry that I could not fix this or take away the pain that you must have endured. What hurts me the most is the fact that I could not hold you during your 70 days spent at the hospital, the time when you probably needed me the most. I am sorry baby, I am so sorry.
I am trying so hard to be thankful for the wonderful blessing of having you in my life and not to grieve all of the times that we won't get to share together. This is much easier said than done. These last two weeks have been pretty tough, it feels like things have gotten worse. I am haunted by the memories of when you were sick. I am desperately trying to refrain from trying to understand and not to question God's plan in all of this, but it is hard. This experience has rocked me to the core. Everywhere I turn, something reminds me of you and I just well up with neverending tears. I am trying to rest in his peace while my heart shatters in a million pieces. I wish I could just fast forward to the end so I could see how this all unravels, to see the greater good that will come of this tragedy.
You would have turned eleven months old this week. If you are anything like your siblings, you would have probably been walking already. I imagined the fun times we would be having together. I wasn't ready to give up these moments with you. I have been haunted by the images and memories of my last day with you before you went to the hospital. I would have done things so differently if I knew that those were my last moments with you.
We celebrated Halloween this week. I imagined what your Halloween costume would have been. When you were sick, I had it all figured out. We would dress you kids with a Wizard of Oz theme. Your brothers could have been the Lion and the Scarecrow. Your sister would have made a beautiful Dorothy, especially in red sparkly shoes. You Jeremy, well you would have been the Tin Man. You needed a new heart my sweet baby. Jeremy, I wanted you to be here to sit in the Halloween bowl, playing with the bags and wrappers of the candy. I wanted to leave you behind with your grandparents to give out candy to the neighborhood kids, so we could trick or treat with your siblings. Instead, I am left to feel so far away from you. I have never felt so lost in my whole life. All of our usual traditions just don't fit anymore. I can't enjoy them totally because you are missing. I can't help but to miss you and what happiness you would have brought to and shared with our family on these special days.
Your birthday is coming up at the end of this month. I have been busy planning a blood drive to honor and celebrate your life. I couldn't think of any better way to celebrate your life than to give life to someone else. I can't change what happened to you baby, but I can choose to positively change someone else's life . While I know what I am doing is helping someone else, it hurts. I would really love to be planning a first birthday celebration for you AND planning a blood drive.
I am tired sweet baby. I am actually afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid that I will dream about you when you were healthy. I am afraid that I will see you in my dreams the way I think you should be, only to wake up and realize that it isn't true. I am afraid I will have to relive the nightmare of when you were taken from me and your death again. It's too much to bear.
Everywhere I go, I see you. It just doesn't seem possible that you're really gone. I will NEVER forget you my love. The moments I have shared with you, every one, have been permanently etched in my heart. Forever.
Jeremy I was caught up in a miracle of a different kind. One that sure felt very possible at the time. I know you still have a miracle story to tell me about someday. I can only imagine that is much sweeter than any story that I have ever heard. I can't wait to hear it.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I haven't let go Jeremy. If anything, I've come running faster and harder toward God. My God who gives and takes away and who had the power to heal you but didn't. I pray tonight for his peace that passes all understanding and for the image of you in heaven to be so overhwhelmingly beautiful, that I can, even just for a moment, not hurt so badly.
So I send my love to you Jeremy on Angel's Wings. Sweet dreams little man.
Love,
Mommy
I'll begin this letter by saying that this is the last thing that I ever thought I would be doing. I wish I could just snuggle up with you, see your sweet face, and tell you what's in my heart myself. I wish I could whisper these sweet nothings to you as you drift off to sleep in my arms.
Instead, I will write to you because it is all that is left that I can do. I am enlisting the help of some special angels. I hope you get this message.
Did you know that I scrapbook? I take millions of photos, to the point where Daddy thinks I capture every moment that you kids breathe. I just laugh because I know what I'm really doing is capturing every moment that I don't want to forget. I always thought that someday when I'was old and you kids were all grown up, we would sit around and enjoy reading all of the volumes of scrapbooks. I imagined that we would all laugh about the good times and share all of our favorite memories. Time flies. I know that even more, now that you have gone to your forever home to live with Jesus. I did take lots of pictures of you when you were here on earth and I am so very grateful for that. I look at your pictures every single day. When I see your picture, my stomach still does flip flops and sommersaults. I am still in disbelief that something like this could really happen. It still feels like a very bad dream that I can't shake.
Oh sweet baby Jeremy, I miss you and love you so very much. Mommy is so sorry that you had to endure so much during your brief life here on earth. My heart aches for you. I am sorry that I could not fix this or take away the pain that you must have endured. What hurts me the most is the fact that I could not hold you during your 70 days spent at the hospital, the time when you probably needed me the most. I am sorry baby, I am so sorry.
I am trying so hard to be thankful for the wonderful blessing of having you in my life and not to grieve all of the times that we won't get to share together. This is much easier said than done. These last two weeks have been pretty tough, it feels like things have gotten worse. I am haunted by the memories of when you were sick. I am desperately trying to refrain from trying to understand and not to question God's plan in all of this, but it is hard. This experience has rocked me to the core. Everywhere I turn, something reminds me of you and I just well up with neverending tears. I am trying to rest in his peace while my heart shatters in a million pieces. I wish I could just fast forward to the end so I could see how this all unravels, to see the greater good that will come of this tragedy.
You would have turned eleven months old this week. If you are anything like your siblings, you would have probably been walking already. I imagined the fun times we would be having together. I wasn't ready to give up these moments with you. I have been haunted by the images and memories of my last day with you before you went to the hospital. I would have done things so differently if I knew that those were my last moments with you.
We celebrated Halloween this week. I imagined what your Halloween costume would have been. When you were sick, I had it all figured out. We would dress you kids with a Wizard of Oz theme. Your brothers could have been the Lion and the Scarecrow. Your sister would have made a beautiful Dorothy, especially in red sparkly shoes. You Jeremy, well you would have been the Tin Man. You needed a new heart my sweet baby. Jeremy, I wanted you to be here to sit in the Halloween bowl, playing with the bags and wrappers of the candy. I wanted to leave you behind with your grandparents to give out candy to the neighborhood kids, so we could trick or treat with your siblings. Instead, I am left to feel so far away from you. I have never felt so lost in my whole life. All of our usual traditions just don't fit anymore. I can't enjoy them totally because you are missing. I can't help but to miss you and what happiness you would have brought to and shared with our family on these special days.
Your birthday is coming up at the end of this month. I have been busy planning a blood drive to honor and celebrate your life. I couldn't think of any better way to celebrate your life than to give life to someone else. I can't change what happened to you baby, but I can choose to positively change someone else's life . While I know what I am doing is helping someone else, it hurts. I would really love to be planning a first birthday celebration for you AND planning a blood drive.
I am tired sweet baby. I am actually afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid that I will dream about you when you were healthy. I am afraid that I will see you in my dreams the way I think you should be, only to wake up and realize that it isn't true. I am afraid I will have to relive the nightmare of when you were taken from me and your death again. It's too much to bear.
Everywhere I go, I see you. It just doesn't seem possible that you're really gone. I will NEVER forget you my love. The moments I have shared with you, every one, have been permanently etched in my heart. Forever.
Jeremy I was caught up in a miracle of a different kind. One that sure felt very possible at the time. I know you still have a miracle story to tell me about someday. I can only imagine that is much sweeter than any story that I have ever heard. I can't wait to hear it.
Even though things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I haven't let go Jeremy. If anything, I've come running faster and harder toward God. My God who gives and takes away and who had the power to heal you but didn't. I pray tonight for his peace that passes all understanding and for the image of you in heaven to be so overhwhelmingly beautiful, that I can, even just for a moment, not hurt so badly.
So I send my love to you Jeremy on Angel's Wings. Sweet dreams little man.
Love,
Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
