Sunshine on Cloudy Days

Parenting struggles
Divorce and marital strain
Sickness and disease
Bad Accidents
Suicide
Unemployment
Stress
hopelessness/depression
grief


All of these and then some have all added up to TROUBLE with a capital T today. I became aware of all of these situations within 24 hours time. I was driving some scenic roads today and praying out to God the whole time. I was calling out to him as I drove, "Why is it God that this much hurt, pain, and suffering must occur on this earth?" It gets to me.

I did what I knew how to do, I prayed. I thought of the sermon on Sunday where we were reminded that the devil works hard to blow up trouble and make it so that God is no longer visible in our lives. Today the devil wanted me to only focus on all of the bad circumstances in life and not on the ways that God was working in and through those circumstances. Through my prayer, I was reminded that I am not meant to understand His ways, they are not like my own. I am meant to have faith and to to believe in a God that is good and that is Sovereign of ALL things. Just as that peaceful thought came to me, I happened to notice an inflatable yellow, smiling, sunshine hanging from a bare tree branch in the woods. I laughed out loud! The timing was perfect down to the very second. I would never expect to see such a thing in the middle of a wooded area in the fall! It was a hug from Jeremy and God. I smiled and opened my heart to another perspective. Believe in the sunshine, even when it is a cloudy day! It is always there... God is with us on the darkest of dark days, even when we cannot see him, and also in the moments when circumstances make it seem for sure that He is not there. Not only is He present but He is bigger than anything than I will ever know and bigger than anything that attempts to stand in my way of his loving embrace. I am a child of God.

The lyrics to a Casting Crowns Song have been on replay in my mind all day. This song is on my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

I prepare for bed tonight knowing of such pain in the hearts of many that I know and many more that I do not know personally. I will hope to rest knowing that although I may sleep, that God does not. He is awake and fully aware of each and every situation that weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I am trusting that He is working each and every situation for the greater good. I will close with a beautiful thought shared by my pastor at church this Sunday about stepping out of our comfort zones as we walk with God through the journey of life. "God, I am Yours, I have crossed, You take me through".

I pray that I awake tomorrow with renewed strength and peace in my heart. My hands will be outstretched for His and I plan to work harder to keep my vision focused on the cross and to be more present on my TRUST WALK.

Godinstances

Do you ever feel as though when life is trying to teach you a lesson, that you hear the same message over and over again wherever you go?

I was trying to get "lost" in a movie last night. It was on television last night and it sounded cute. A chic flic with romance and a real happy ending. Don't you just love those?

I was really engrossed in the movie. It was almost the end of the movie and one of the main characters was speaking. I know it was a movie and a fictional character and all but it sure seemed as though he was speaking directly to me. I had to push pause on the remote and say "Huh". Then I rewinded the movie to jot down what he was saying.

"We are here to bear witness to an end and a beginning. While we must carry on, we must be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. While our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on us again. In that warm, bright light, we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future filled with exciting challenges and infinite possibilities in which the horizon will stretch out before us ribboned in the heavenly glow of our sunrises of tomorrow."
-Prince and Me

That sure seemed scripted just for me. It was certainly a reminder that I needed to hear. My grief IS profound. I get to grieve because I loved and was loved well.
Jeremy's lessons continue on even in his absence on this earth. I know in my hearts of hearts that he is happy and that he would certainly not want me to hurt like this and to be so sad. I just miss him and his place in our family terribly.

Lord,

I lay my profound grief at your feet and at the foot of the cross. I know that you have prepared me for this journey and have equipped me with all the tools that I need to complete this mission. Help strengthen me Lord to battle the enemy that fights daily to distract me from your loving embrace. There is nothing too big for you Lord, nothing that you can't take care of on my behalf. You have Jeremy safe in your loving care. His battle has been won. You have brought him home to live eternally with you. All is well for Jeremy. I pray Lord for your mercy and grace as I work harder to trust you completely with my own heart. Light the way, I am still following you Lord.

Amen

Simple and Unexpected Gifts

One of my favorite flowers is the Hydrangea. These are usually in full bloom during the summer months. When they are in season, I love to have many vases full of cut blooms all around the house.

It has been a gift to see several bursts of their beauty in my travels around town this week. A little unusual but deeply welcomed. A gift.

Ramblings

The kids are better. My anxiety and worry about the health of my living kids has just about returned to normal, my new normal. Life as we now know it has also returned to it's usual craziness. Hence my lack of blog posts. I have had many loads of laundry to catch up on...

In recent days there have several reminders of the fragility of life. I was once again reminded about the lesson of not taking even a moment for granted. A whole life can be changed in a split second.

These moments that we have are fleeting by and will pass all too soon, never to be seen again. It won't be like this very moment for long. The good moments are here to cherish and the bad ones, all of them, they will surely pass too.

I have been trapped, in a sense, trying to capture the good moments and hold on to them for dear life, all the while trying to let the bad ones pass quickly. It is a tricky task to say the least. A real balancing act that often leaves me quite exhausted.

I am at a loss for words tonight as I labyrinth through all too familiar territory and try to find my way once again. I will pray. It is there with my Lord, that I find renewed strength and peace.

I petition your prayers tonight. Will you pray for:

our PICU Family and medical team as they care for the special children entrusted to them.

the families of these special children, hold them close and give them comfort Lord

the PICU families that we bonded so deeply with during our own journey. They have each been heavy on my heart in recent days

the other grieving families that we have come to know

safe travel for so many. Friends, family, and even a friend "running" with her heart

healing and strength for many friends and family, there are so many Lord that are in need of your tender mercy Lord.

names are not important, the Lord knows each and every one

Amen


Wishing for a peaceful night's rest.

156

It's been awhile since I had a post with numbers for a title.

I have been having a great time serving as a Parent Volunteer this fall. Actually it is my very first opportunity to play that role. I am grateful and enjoying every minute of my time with the children in school. It has been eye opening to say the least. My children are all blessed to have such wonderful teachers. That is what so many of us desire, to have a teacher who will love your children during the hours of the day when you cannot be there with them.

SO ...on to my number title. This post is dedicated to my son and his classmates.

156 is actually the difference between the total number of tissues donated to the PICU today and the number of tissues donated in May. So for those loyal readers and those that are simply curious, that means that the total number of personal tissue packs donated today was 856!

I'd say that is is pretty amazing! Many PICU parents and families will greatly appreciate these soft tissues. I really can't thank my tissue donors enough. Thanks for helping me to spread "Rays of Sunshine" to those who need it most in memory of our precious Jeremy. Your generosity and compassion will make such a difference.

I'm grateful...and so is our PICU family.

Halloween 2009

Yesterday was a tough day. I was really worried about how today, our second Halloween without our precious Jeremy, would go.

Last year I remember Halloween was horrible. I spent so much of the day focused on our other children and making their day happy and special that I gave little thought to the landslide of grief that would settle in for the ride. By the time the grief settled in, there was little that I could do to manage the pain. A good friend and neighbor hugged me, allowed me to share what I was feeling, and handed me a glass of wine. (If you are reading this K., know that you and your family are missed.) A big reason that I felt so bad on Halloween was the fact that the grief was truly not expected that day. I knew other upcoming days would surely be painful but I did not expect it at all on Halloween.

This year, the day was still painful but definitely different. This year the decorations that were visible in yards around our town were particularly bothersome to me. I do realize that I have no right to say a word about the ways in which others choose to decorate their homes for the holidays. It was just a little unnerving to see graveyard scenes and skeletons looking so gory.

This year memories are much more vivid. I know I have mentioned before that the numbness I felt last year is completely gone. I am feeling the loss at full force speed. I remember the Halloween of 2007 that I was very pregnant. I remember those moments and then my brain is left to figure out how in the world I arrived at this place in my life, grieving the loss of my child, my baby. To understand that reality, it means that I must drag myself through some pretty horrific events.

A wise person objectively looked at the situation and helped me devise a "plan" so that we could attempt to avoid the same outcome as last year. Notice the word "plan".

The cool thing about plans is that there can many of them, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. You can abort the plan at any given time,determined solely by us, and you can also change the plan as needed. We don't need to married to a plan and execute it all the way until the end either. We had many other grieving families mention to us that planning for the difficult days was helpful. This idea of planning was so foreign yet desired last year. We just wanted a magic plan. We wanted someone else to make the perfect plan that would make the various situations as bearable as possible. Trouble is, no one can do that because grief is personal to each person and even to each family. Last year, we were numb, and we really had no idea what we wanted, what would feel okay, and even how to go about making such a plan. We got worn out in the discussion phase of the "plan". So last year, planning didn't always work out so good for us.

The magic plan never showed up. We have thankfully survived the year of firsts. So we at least have that first set of experiences to help guide us a bit.

So now on to the Halloween plan for 2009. The plan was to carve out a little time for Jeremy, to include him in on the festivities of the day. We began the day eating pumpkin waffles, which were quite delicious. We then headed to the soccer fields for a double game day. We enjoyed the role of the cheering squad and the older kids both played "Bootifully" There was a super fun Halloween party and also last minute decorating to do. My oldest son was even thoughtful enough to decorate Jeremy's picture by making his tombstone. Hard on me. Needful for him. He is processing this grief so much differently than I am. There was snuggle time while we watched Halloween movies and ate roasted pumpkin seeds. All in all, the whole day, I knew there would be time for Jeremy and it made the day somewhat easier to get through.

It was a deliberate thought to include Jeremy in our day. We made a sunshine Jack-O-Lantern in his memory. We visited the cemetery and placed a larger pumpkin on his grave. We revisited our discussions of our grief and answered more questions surrounding Jeremy's death. We lit a candle on our table during the trick-or-treating time to honor his memory and remaining presence in our hearts. Not easy by any sense of the word, but definitely better than last year.

I almost made it through the day without the magnitude of grief knocking me over...

Toward the end of the Trick-or Treat time a really cute little boy came walking up to our doorstep. You guessed it. He was almost two. His mother beamed with pride and joy as she stated to us that he would be two at the end of November. I mustered up a polite smile and then crumbled inside. There it was, right in front of me, a classic reminder of the very thing that I had lost. This was a big "Pause" moment for me. It nearly took my breath away.

A few deep breaths later I recovered. No one ever said that grief was quick and easy. I had told a fellow grieving parent that I expected moments of pause and sadness to show up this year. I am proud to say that I didn't spend the whole day residing in fear and running from the pain. Better yet, I tried my best to carry on, finding joy with the other kids and making the most of the day. I just expected those pause moments to come and when they did, I wasn't surprised. I was able to truly pause, remember Jeremy, reflect, and then return to what I was doing. I was even surprised at how smoothly and how quickly I was able to transition from place to place today. The "plan" helped me. I am learning to carry my grief alongside the way that I have determined that I want to live the rest of my life.

Overall, the "plan" worked out okay for us. I am grateful for the objective nudge to plan some special time for Jeremy today too. I even get an extra hour of sleep tonight to refuel for tomorrow. It is All Saints Day...another trying day.

Angel Mail #11

Dear Jeremy,

Hugs and kisses sweet little man. XXXXOOO You always looked like such a little man. Your hair was amazing! It fooled a lot of people trying to guess your age. Your hair was full, thick, and it just fell naturally into a hairstyle that left many thinking that we had just had it cut. All of it was completely natural and just the way that God made you. I also think you had such depth to your face and to the expressions that you made. It seemed like you knew more about life than anyone ever knew. Knowing what I know now, I think that you must have. OH how I wish we were better able to communicate back then. Perhaps then maybe your story would have ended differently.

I am having a hard time writing with the past tense today. I do not like writing about things that have already happened and events that lie completely in the past. I do not like wondering about what might have been. I want to write about real stories from today and look forward to a thousand tomorrows. I long to see you and to know more about you.

You would be 23 months old today. It is the last time that we parents count our children's ages in months. You would be turning two years old soon and then three, four, etc. You would be... that could be a story in itself.

I see the possibilities of a life shared with you on earth all around me every day. It pains me deeply to be without you. I am still embracing my grief for I know that is the ticket to healing. I am working really hard to examine my grief and to shift my thinking so I can see a whole new perspective of the way things are and the way that things will be in the years to come. I remain committed to healing in a healthy way for me, your Daddy, and your siblings. It is long and hard work.

The possibilities of what you do each day in heaven and in the presence of God fascinates and comforts me. I think often how you don't hurt at all, how you are simply perfect, how you are running, laughing, and playing with many of the angel children we have come to know and love. Our families have become friends as we all share a common bond grieving the loss of our children. We have learned to lean a little on each other for strength and support. I wonder what all of you children must be like together. I wonder how you are spending time with other members of our family that have gone on before us too. I wonder how badly you wish you could share with me even a glimpse of how wonderful heaven really is, because then I truly wouldn't be sad at all. It is a faith journey that I must travel on my own.

All positive and faithful thinking aside I am still sad sometimes, okay a lot. I am trying to live life the best way I know how, all the while, hoping to honor you and to bring glory to God. I sincerely hope there is some understanding that I am at least trying to lead a good life.

I know that you would want me to live my life fully and with great joy. You made it possible for us to see the world from a different lens. We see more clearly and more powerfully the heart of the matter surrounding many if not all of life experiences.

Jeremy, here or there, you remain a part of me and you always will. You will always be my little man. I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten you today on such a milestone day. I will never forget, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!

My Deepest Love to You On the Wings of Angels,
Mommy