Jeremy's Birthday

My Sweet Jeremy,

Well I have been staring at the blank computer screen for awhile now. I don't know how or where to even begin this letter to you. Seriously, I really didn't think any one person could ever cry so many tears.

Jeremy, I have so much love in my heart for you and that is one thing that will never change. Trouble is that I never dreamed of writing these letters to you on my blog and just wishing them too you on Angel's wings. I am especially having trouble writing a birthday letter to you tonight. That is largely in part to the fact that I selfishly want more. I want more of you. I want more time with you, more memories to be had for us all as a complete family, more birthdays, more of it all. I selfishly think that life here on earth would be better if you were here with me.

It is your birthday. If you were here on earth, you would be turning two years old and taking on all the fun that comes with that special age. Actually, I think every age is precious in it's own way. People say that gifts aren't really that important in life, but rather it's really about love that we share with one another. This is a good thing since I am unable to send presents with pretty bows to you. Please accept this letter as a sign of my unwavering love to you on the occasion of your special second birthday.

In truth, I am unsettled today. I am once again fighting the ultimate battle to let go...this isn't what I wanted. This isn't how I wanted to celebrate your life. I wanted to plan a super fun second birthday party for you just like I did for your siblings. I wanted to pick out special gifts certain to make you smile and laugh with pure joy. I wanted to proudly look back and to admire all that you had already overcome and to make wishes for a bright future. None of those will be a reality on your birthday, not this year, and not ever.

What is a grieving mother to do on days like this? I still don't have this journey figured out, not sure if I ever will. I remember with such clarity the months of your pregnancy, the moments leading up to the delivery, and certainly most vividly, the very moment the doctor placed you in my arms. I will never forget that moment and yet here I am and there you are. I am lost trying to figure out how to spend your birthday without you. Lost is actually an understatement. There is a total abandonment of a life that I once knew. There will be no singing. No cake. No presents. No celebrating. No time reflecting on the blessings bestowed upon you. My dreams for you have been shattered. My heart aches for you yet my brain is somehow trying to make sense of it all. I could stay up all night and still not have anything figured out so I will settle it for now with the fact that my love for you is unending and abides with you always, whether you are here or there. I can only hope that every day in heaven is so much more wonderful than all the love, fun, and festivities that we could ever give you here on earth.

So while your birthday brings so much joy to my heart, I also feel such pain facing all that I have lost. I cry for the moments that I wanted to share with you, the dreams that were shattered, and the time spent wondering what you would have been like at two years of age. I just love this age!

Here I am crying instead of eagerly awaiting your special day to arrive. I have been dreading it actually. Time is marching forward, yet your death remains the same. You are still gone from my arms but you must know you will never be gone from my heart. The days that we have been separated have now outnumbered the days that you lived here on this earth. Your sister was so deeply saddened at supper this evening because she realized that you never had the chance to celebrate even a single birthday, not even one.

Sweet son, I am trying with all my might to switch my perspective and to instead focus on the fact that I am in such pain because I had the gift and privilege to be your Mommy. I am a lucky mom. I am hurting so badly because I love you so much. I loved every moment spent with you and wouldn't trade even one second for anything in the world.

Birthdays on earth have lots of traditions. One such tradition involves a special cake and we place the number of candles on the cake to mark the number of years a person has lived. Then the candle is lit, family and friends sing a song "Happy Birthday" and then the person who is celebrating the birthday, makes a wish, and blows out the candle.

Wishes. Sweet son, there's something really special about wishing. I realized it is because when you wish, you are having hope for good things to come. So on your birthday, I am wishing that you are at peace and perfect in every way possible. I am wishing that your heart is happy. I am wishing that our reunion someday will be glorious. I am wishing that you could come for a short visit, even if only to flash me one of your beautiful smiles. I am wishing for strength to continue to find the sunshine even on the darkest days. I am wishing with all my heart and soul that I am successful at the task of honoring your life and the legacy that you left behind. I am wishing that I will make you proud.

Birthday Love, Kisses, and Hugs to you on Angel's Wings,
Mommy

Twinkles

While my oldest son and I were in the waiting room at the doctor's office, we read a chapter book to pass the time. The book mentioned a little boy that was eating Twinkies. My son asked me about them as he has never eaten one before.

Needless to say, I purchased a box and introduced them to my children. They loved them!

My youngest asked for a "Twinkle" from the pantry. We laughed at his own label for this timeless snack.

How long has it been since you had a "Twinkle" or another childhood favorite snack?

Missing Jeremy

It makes my heart ache to witness my children's grief. We have had many conversations with each child, in random fashion, over the last few days even.

It is touching to see how they embrace his place in our family and share ways that they carry a part of him with them wherever they go. I am thankful that they are verbal children and also that they feel comfortable enough with us to open up and share what is going on in their hearts. It saddens us beyond words to see our children hurt from this loss.

Our youngest asks if God will drop Jeremy down just so he can hold him for a little while. He asks if he can go to see Jeremy. I've seen him loving all over a baby doll and imagine tender hearted times shared with his brother. Times that are on hold for now...

Our middle child is our artist and writer. She expresses herself well through her artwork and cards. She is the author and illustrator of the artwork pictured. It speaks for itself. I found the mittens while attempting to take note of what winter items our children needed for the colder weather that will be approaching soon. We all know how difficult it will be to locate those items in the stores when it does finally snow. Instead of snow gear the bathing suits will be out on a rack...never did fully understand the retail bussiness.

Our oldest is sharing too. He misses his brother and worries like me about those around him. Sound familar? You know what they say, apples don't fall far from the tree.

Today I am still nursing two children back to health, something I could not do for Jeremy. He was on my mind so much this morning. Partly due to fears that I am struggling to keep contained and also just missing that moment with Jeremy when good ol' Mommy has that magic touch that seems to comfort and heal the icky virus. You know when all they want to do is to snuggle and be close to you...I missed that with Jeremy. His issues were too big for just Mom. As we were snuggling, we were listening to some soft music and the song, "Baby of Mine" came on and I was unable to keep the tears from flowing. It is such a tender song. I allowed myself to cry a little and let out the feelings that are filling up my soul again.

I also realized that God called me to be the mother of these FOUR precious children. He called ME, hand selected ME for them and THEM for me. He has equipped me with all I need to do this job well and He will fill in the gaps where I am weak. God and I are a team! I need to do the best that I can to take of the earthy children that he has put in my care and TRUST that He will take care of the parts that are His to take care of and have peace knowing that Jeremy safe in His care too.

Would You Pray?

My heart is heavy.

Lord, there is so much pain that surrounds me today. I feel as though all I can see is pain and suffering in every direction I turn lately.

I lift up so many to you Lord. Embrace each and every one. Please make your presence known to them and grant them the peace that only You can give. Help them Lord to feel the peace amidst the storms of life.

I hesitate to pray by name for several reasons. First, I do not have permission to divulge personal information on the world wide web. Second, I would feel horrible if I left out a prayer from my heart on this blog. Third, I have peace knowing that names are not important because God is already fully aware of what is going on all around me.

Having said that...would you please pray for my Aunt and her family today. My Aunt is facing a very serious health crisis at the present time. Only God knows the outcome of this situation. Please pray for wisdom and discernment for all health personnel involved and certainly for her immediate and extended family to feel peace during this uncertain time.

Today I pray for my other family members, friends, teachers, and fellow school mates facing health issues. I pray for healing for each of these individuals.

I pray for each and every human being that is present in the PICU whether patients or caregivers.

I pray for Jeremy's friends that continue their roads of treatment.

I pray for the unemployed.

I pray for those suffering through marital difficulty. or serious life changing events.

I pray for safe travel for several people near and dear to me.

I pray. I pray. I pray. I lay these concerns and so very many more at Your feet Lord. Have mercy on them all. Guard our hearts Lord.

Home Invasion

Look who hopped in to visit us today.

I had little preparation to be the mother of boys. The mother of curious boys who adore bugs and many legged creatures of all kinds.

I have no choice but suit up for the challenge and go along for the ride. It's even better when I can actually enjoy the experience with them.

We observed our little friend for a few moments,opened the door, and then sent him on his way.

Strange but true, we have found Praying Mantis, ladybugs, worms, leaf bugs, caterpillars, bees, and now grasshoppers, all happy to entertain us a little while longer this fall.

These are the times to remember when your children are fascinated with the little things in life. When was the last time you got down on the floor to talk to an insect?

Weekending

Well these photos should give you a pretty good idea of how we spent our weekend.

I am living at the edge of an abyss. If I get too close, the enemy zaps me in and is able to grab my attention. It is work, but I will choose to stay here,focus on the positive, and keep my attention where it belongs.

Our home has been deemed an infirmary for both people and stuffed friends whom we love.
I am thankful God embraced me and carried me through a time of anxiety and fear. I am thankful for the peaceful path he has taught me to follow instead. I may be a slow learner, but I'll get there eventually.

I am thankful for the unconditional love and support of family and friends.

I am thankful that my sister has had a fun visit with my parents. Perhaps, next time will be our time to play too. I am thankful she has found a few good surprises around the corners of life. Those are nice once in awhile.

I am thankful for the wonderful care given to us by our Pediatric Office. They are just the best.

I am thankful my husband was home to help carry the load of worry, work, childcare, and laundry. I don't know how single parents do it all.

I am thankful for the overall health of my kids, things seem to be improving and they could be so much worse.

I am thankful that I have been able to keep up with the laundry per se. Notice that I did not say it was all folded and put away neatly. Is laundry ever really done?

I am thankful for homemade soup, any kind, any day.

I am thankful for the warm air and sunshine in the middle of November. A pleasant surprise in itself. I am thankful to open the windows and awake my senses a bit to the smell, sounds, and sights, of fall.

I am thankful for the love my children showed to one another without prompting. I guess what we say and do really is being absorbed to some degree or other.
There were a few heartwarming moments to witness as they prayed on each other's behalf and made Get Well cards.

Here's hoping the virus flies out the windows today and leaves us alone!

Sunshine on Cloudy Days

Parenting struggles
Divorce and marital strain
Sickness and disease
Bad Accidents
Suicide
Unemployment
Stress
hopelessness/depression
grief


All of these and then some have all added up to TROUBLE with a capital T today. I became aware of all of these situations within 24 hours time. I was driving some scenic roads today and praying out to God the whole time. I was calling out to him as I drove, "Why is it God that this much hurt, pain, and suffering must occur on this earth?" It gets to me.

I did what I knew how to do, I prayed. I thought of the sermon on Sunday where we were reminded that the devil works hard to blow up trouble and make it so that God is no longer visible in our lives. Today the devil wanted me to only focus on all of the bad circumstances in life and not on the ways that God was working in and through those circumstances. Through my prayer, I was reminded that I am not meant to understand His ways, they are not like my own. I am meant to have faith and to to believe in a God that is good and that is Sovereign of ALL things. Just as that peaceful thought came to me, I happened to notice an inflatable yellow, smiling, sunshine hanging from a bare tree branch in the woods. I laughed out loud! The timing was perfect down to the very second. I would never expect to see such a thing in the middle of a wooded area in the fall! It was a hug from Jeremy and God. I smiled and opened my heart to another perspective. Believe in the sunshine, even when it is a cloudy day! It is always there... God is with us on the darkest of dark days, even when we cannot see him, and also in the moments when circumstances make it seem for sure that He is not there. Not only is He present but He is bigger than anything than I will ever know and bigger than anything that attempts to stand in my way of his loving embrace. I am a child of God.

The lyrics to a Casting Crowns Song have been on replay in my mind all day. This song is on my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

I prepare for bed tonight knowing of such pain in the hearts of many that I know and many more that I do not know personally. I will hope to rest knowing that although I may sleep, that God does not. He is awake and fully aware of each and every situation that weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I am trusting that He is working each and every situation for the greater good. I will close with a beautiful thought shared by my pastor at church this Sunday about stepping out of our comfort zones as we walk with God through the journey of life. "God, I am Yours, I have crossed, You take me through".

I pray that I awake tomorrow with renewed strength and peace in my heart. My hands will be outstretched for His and I plan to work harder to keep my vision focused on the cross and to be more present on my TRUST WALK.

Godinstances

Do you ever feel as though when life is trying to teach you a lesson, that you hear the same message over and over again wherever you go?

I was trying to get "lost" in a movie last night. It was on television last night and it sounded cute. A chic flic with romance and a real happy ending. Don't you just love those?

I was really engrossed in the movie. It was almost the end of the movie and one of the main characters was speaking. I know it was a movie and a fictional character and all but it sure seemed as though he was speaking directly to me. I had to push pause on the remote and say "Huh". Then I rewinded the movie to jot down what he was saying.

"We are here to bear witness to an end and a beginning. While we must carry on, we must be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today. When there has been so much love and happiness for someone, it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. Moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. While our sorrow may be profound, the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on us again. In that warm, bright light, we will find ourselves facing a glorious future. A future filled with exciting challenges and infinite possibilities in which the horizon will stretch out before us ribboned in the heavenly glow of our sunrises of tomorrow."
-Prince and Me

That sure seemed scripted just for me. It was certainly a reminder that I needed to hear. My grief IS profound. I get to grieve because I loved and was loved well.
Jeremy's lessons continue on even in his absence on this earth. I know in my hearts of hearts that he is happy and that he would certainly not want me to hurt like this and to be so sad. I just miss him and his place in our family terribly.

Lord,

I lay my profound grief at your feet and at the foot of the cross. I know that you have prepared me for this journey and have equipped me with all the tools that I need to complete this mission. Help strengthen me Lord to battle the enemy that fights daily to distract me from your loving embrace. There is nothing too big for you Lord, nothing that you can't take care of on my behalf. You have Jeremy safe in your loving care. His battle has been won. You have brought him home to live eternally with you. All is well for Jeremy. I pray Lord for your mercy and grace as I work harder to trust you completely with my own heart. Light the way, I am still following you Lord.

Amen

Simple and Unexpected Gifts

One of my favorite flowers is the Hydrangea. These are usually in full bloom during the summer months. When they are in season, I love to have many vases full of cut blooms all around the house.

It has been a gift to see several bursts of their beauty in my travels around town this week. A little unusual but deeply welcomed. A gift.

Ramblings

The kids are better. My anxiety and worry about the health of my living kids has just about returned to normal, my new normal. Life as we now know it has also returned to it's usual craziness. Hence my lack of blog posts. I have had many loads of laundry to catch up on...

In recent days there have several reminders of the fragility of life. I was once again reminded about the lesson of not taking even a moment for granted. A whole life can be changed in a split second.

These moments that we have are fleeting by and will pass all too soon, never to be seen again. It won't be like this very moment for long. The good moments are here to cherish and the bad ones, all of them, they will surely pass too.

I have been trapped, in a sense, trying to capture the good moments and hold on to them for dear life, all the while trying to let the bad ones pass quickly. It is a tricky task to say the least. A real balancing act that often leaves me quite exhausted.

I am at a loss for words tonight as I labyrinth through all too familiar territory and try to find my way once again. I will pray. It is there with my Lord, that I find renewed strength and peace.

I petition your prayers tonight. Will you pray for:

our PICU Family and medical team as they care for the special children entrusted to them.

the families of these special children, hold them close and give them comfort Lord

the PICU families that we bonded so deeply with during our own journey. They have each been heavy on my heart in recent days

the other grieving families that we have come to know

safe travel for so many. Friends, family, and even a friend "running" with her heart

healing and strength for many friends and family, there are so many Lord that are in need of your tender mercy Lord.

names are not important, the Lord knows each and every one

Amen


Wishing for a peaceful night's rest.

156

It's been awhile since I had a post with numbers for a title.

I have been having a great time serving as a Parent Volunteer this fall. Actually it is my very first opportunity to play that role. I am grateful and enjoying every minute of my time with the children in school. It has been eye opening to say the least. My children are all blessed to have such wonderful teachers. That is what so many of us desire, to have a teacher who will love your children during the hours of the day when you cannot be there with them.

SO ...on to my number title. This post is dedicated to my son and his classmates.

156 is actually the difference between the total number of tissues donated to the PICU today and the number of tissues donated in May. So for those loyal readers and those that are simply curious, that means that the total number of personal tissue packs donated today was 856!

I'd say that is is pretty amazing! Many PICU parents and families will greatly appreciate these soft tissues. I really can't thank my tissue donors enough. Thanks for helping me to spread "Rays of Sunshine" to those who need it most in memory of our precious Jeremy. Your generosity and compassion will make such a difference.

I'm grateful...and so is our PICU family.