Farewell 2010

I still do not like Goodbyes. Farewell until we meet again sits better with me. I
The year is coming to an end in just a few hours. It is hard to believe that another whole year has gone by. I'd like to carry many memories of 2010 with me into the future and keep them close at heart always. There are also memories that I would soon like to forget and wish that the circumstances were different all together. I cannot pretend for a second that I have any control over any of it, the good or the bad. However, there have been lessons embedded within both and for that I can attribute the growth into the person that I am tonight.

I am looking onward to 2011 because ready or not here it comes. I am willing to embrace whatever the year may hold for me and for my family. I pray that we find more joy and laughter this year. Whatever each day holds for us, we are anchored and trusting in God's plan. Thank you for reading and staying tuned even when there are long pauses between posts. We truly appreciate your continued prayers and support for our family. We wish you all a Joy Filled New Year!

Christmas

I've been saturating myself in the moment this Christmas season and trying to keep my head above water. Lots to share. I'll be back soon.

Quiet Time

A rare moment happened just now. I finished my tasks for the evening and decided to curl up in what has been recently named "the Reading Chair" to read. What might someone like me read on a night like tonight you ask? Children's books and some very special ones I might add. I curled up and attempted to get warm and snuggly. I read some books in preparation for my day tomorrow. More on that later...

These words will linger with my heart tonight and hopefully help me ease into sweet dreams.

'You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are." - Wherever You Are my love will find you by Nancy Tillman

Fish in Parchment

A little housekeeping first...I am not sure why to be exact but it would seem that I have failed to complete the task of visiting the publish comment confirmations for some time now. If you are one of the kind folks that has taken the time to write to me, please know that your messages have been received, read, and appreciated precisely when you sent them. I am so sorry for the delay in their appearances here in the blog world.

You guessed it, my monthly meal swap meets tomorrow. We all had a wild card this month with Christmas around the corner. I am going out on a limb and preparing our first recipe using fish.

My recipe is for Fish and Shrimp with Sugar Snap Peas in Parchment.
I got the recipe here. I love cooking fish in foil pouches or parchment paper. It is so easy and delicious each and every time. With the pouch, clean-up is a cinch too. I used Tilapia for this recipe but I would imagine many other types of fish could be used. I opted for the foil packets this time since I was unsure how thawing would work with the parchment paper. I didn't want to make the paper soggy during the thawing process.

Thank you also for the many comments and suggested variations for Magic Bars. It looks like it is very possible that this dessert will work it's magic and my pants will no longer fit me anymore.

Magic Bars

Have you ever made Magic Bars? I've made the ones that Betty Crocker helps you make before, but never from scratch. I always wondered why they called them Magic Bars...Well I now I know, would you like me to let you in on the secret?

I found a new recipe book the other week. I might be turning into Betty Crocker...

This week an opportunity presented itself where I would need/want to provide homemade goodness. Okay, Okay, more of the want side but who's asking? I returned to the recipe books to find a recipe for a cookie/bar that I could make using ingredients that were currently taking up residence in my pantry. The answer? Magic Bars. They were magically easy, five ingredients folks. They were also magically easy to prepare and bake.

When all was said and done, I wasn't able to attend the event planned due to illness. Hmmm Magic Bars magically entered the dessert picture in our house. And they magically disappeared too! It only took 48 hours to devour the entire pan of Magic Bars in our house. How bad is that?

Want the recipe? Thank the good people over at Gooseberry Patch, specifically, Ms. Melanie Heffner
She helped make a little Homemade Holiday Magic over at our house this week.

Magic Bars

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter or margarine melted
1 1/3 cups of graham cracker crumbs
14 ounce can Sweetened Condensed Milk
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips ( I used the whole bag- didn't even measure...)
1 1/2 cups of chopped walnuts

Directions:
Stir together butter and graham cracker crumbs , press into a 13x9 baking dish. Pour milk over crumb mixture, sprinkle with chocolate chips and walnuts. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until edges are browned and bubbly. Makes 2 dozen.


Now you know why they are called Magic Bars. They call for magically easy ingredients, they are magically easy to make, and they are so magically delicious that they magically disappear too. If only other things in life were just that easy...

Fully Stocked

Yesterday I delivered a TRUNK LOAD of tissues to the PICU.
I think I used about that many writing my last post...

Thank you to each and every person who made that donation possible. It is an amazing feeling to be able to do something positive in a place where there is so much pain and suffering. There are many, many tears shed within those walls every single day. Thanks to all of you, there will be a little bit of a softer place for those tears to land and hopefully the love and prayers attached to each and every pack will impact a hurting hurt too.

They loved the boxes of tissues decorated with blue bows and sunshine stickers. Truth be told, those simple details made me smile too! Thanks C. and friends!

My vehicle was emptied there at the hospital but my heart was FILLED again. Funny how that happens. I am grateful for that too and without your help, that gift to a grieving mother's heart would not be possible.

Please keep the children who are patients there and the amazing staff close in your prayers. I hear that things have been particularly tough there in recent weeks.

My shelves are empty and ready to be filled again. Will you help me? For those who may be new to this project, I collect donations of purse sized tissues. Any brand will do, Kleenex, Puffs, Trader Joes, or even the ones at the dollar stores. Trust me when I say that any of these tissues are 100X softer than the ones available in the hospital. For sanitary purposes, they must be the individual packs of tissues. They usually come in packs of three, eight, and also ten. Any amount will truly help! I am grateful for your continued support of this project. The staff at the PICU share with me all the time how grateful the parents in the PICU are too!

Angel Mail #17

Dear Jeremy,

Oh how Mommy misses you! Most days I feel as if time hasn't moved beyond that day in the hospital when I held you in my arms for the last time and we had to part from one another. Saying farewell to you that afternoon was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and walking out of the hospital later that day, without you in my arms or the hope of ever doing so, was the second hardest thing that I have ever done. When you were sick we used to joke about the way clocks operated in the hospital. There wasn't any sense of predictability to time there and yet over the many weeks that we spent there, it became normal and we adjusted. I guess it was that we signed up for the long haul. We truly believed that together we were capable of anything that was thrown our way, and that yes, we could be patient for our miracle to happen.

For a long time it seemed like our experience in the hospital with you would end with a miracle just as we had hoped for and that we would spend the rest of our lives filled with the most enormous amount of gratitude. Our story was being written word by word and we thought we knew just how the story would end. We had high hopes and never lost sight of that dream, not even for a moment. We started writing the story in our minds of how when you faced the normal childhood fears and traumas of life, that we would remind you of all that you had already accomplished as a sweet,innocent baby boy, of the strength that you possessed, the many ways that you made an impact on humanity, and what you had, by the grace of God,already triumphed. In my dream we would hold you in our arms and all would be in proper perspective and right with the world again.

Well...you and I both know that your story, our story, did not end quite the way I had imagined. Sometimes I wonder if your story has really ended. I still see such purpose to your life, even today, all these days later after you have left this earth. It comforts me to see your story kept alive in the hearts of so many, some that I have never even met. It's hard to capture and comprehend all that you have done and continue to inspire in present time even though there is a date after the dash by your name. I am so proud of you.

Lately, and I guess rightfully so, I have fallen back into a place where I just can't figure out how to balance it all. There are so many questions in my mind that I simply wear myself searching for answers that simply won't come. How do we continue to walk step by step as a broken family? How do we live each day honoring and keeping your memory alive in a healthy way? How do we grieve in a way that others can see and understand how to love us? How do we continue to live in the shells of the people that we once were, but have long said good bye to as well? There isn't much left of the old me, yet that is all that people who knew me before this story was written, can see. How can I be free to become the new person that I need to become yet also free to change in sync with your father and continue to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage? How can I embrace this metamorphis of this new life without you, a mother living, yet also having parted from one of her children. I still have three of your siblings on this earth that I am responsible for...How can I make them understand when I don't understand myself???

When I allow myself to remember with all my senses the way life once was when you were in my arms, time is ever so confusing. I simply cannot figure out how we got here and why this all happened. I think I have let go of needing to know the answer to why? I know that my heart just won't and can't understand fully that you are gone, it hurts more than a human mother's heart can handle. So I understand that my mind just won't allow it and that there is disconnect there.

In recent months I have been wondering so much about you. You were a baby when we parted ways, but now in today's time you would be three years old. By now, you would have developed a personality of your own. I wonder what you would be like? I wonder if your hair would have fallen out and grown back in blonde just like your siblings? I wonder what your sleep routine would be? What story would have been your favorite to read each and every night? What special CD would we play while we snuggled you before that peaceful slumber? I wonder what your favorite color would be, what your first words would have been, what ALL of your favorite things would have been? I wonder about how we would have spent our special time while your siblings were in school, just like the story that I wrote in my mind. I wonder about the Christmas gifts that would have been bought for you and not in memory of you? I wonder what our family would look like had the story continued the way I had imagined to be all those years ago? I beat myself up daily for not trusting in my Lord enough to see that His way is better than mine. The pain is ever so great and my arms just ache from not being able to feel your presence daily. The questions and wonderings just won't stop and the anger forms from the loss of getting to know you. I cannot seem to find the comfort that I so desparately want and need in YOU. I cannot spend time just immersed in you and all of your favorite favorite things because I never really got the chance to know you...I have only my imagination, and that's only my made up version of your story. I am also grateful knowing that I had more time than others have had, but the time we have, is it ever enough??? If you can hear my heart whisperings, know that there is never enough time. Perhaps I am selfish for wanting more of you. I don't wish for your suffering to have continued but I do long for the good times to have been lengthened somehow...for more of the good stuff to have happened inbetween the dash for you at first, but now, selfishly for me. I want so badly on these hard days just to soak you in the sunshine of you and the good memories and not the battle between the bad memories and my imagined thoughts. I don't want to remember so much pain and suffering that you endured. Your suffering on earth outweighed your good times. It is so painful for us mortal souls to mourn those we love and are forced to let go of so early in life. The songwriter, Sarah Mclachlan, writes
It's late and mornings in no hurry
but sleep won't set me free.
I lie awake and try to recall how your body felt beside me.
The silence gets too hard to handle, and the night is too long.

I imagine you now, FREE and SOARING in heaven and that is all that gets me through this pain that tries to swallow me up in one bite each and every morning.
I am giving my very best effort to not become bitter in this world where pain, suffering, reminders of you, and a life that I once had and had to let go are every where I go...

I am trying to write a new story but I just don't how...

I am trying to trust and rest in the truth that God does know your story and my story for that matter too. He knows how all the parts of my story, the good, the bad, and the ugly, work together for my greater good. They work together hopefully to bring GLORY to Him. I pray each day that I am transparent for all to see that I am real. You were real. My grief is real. You leapt into the arms of Jesus and I in turn, ran faster towards him too. I prayed and continue to pray that with each and every step that I take, beginning right from that one that fateful day in June of 2008, when I took my first step onto the elevator leaving the seventh floor of the hospital that God would lead me and that I would follow Him. You see my feet wanted to dig deeper than ever into the tile and to promise not to EVER leave without you, but my heart had assurance that it wouldn't be for long. I slid down the side of the elevator frame holding on for dear life, but the doors still opened, and I remember that I cried out sounds that still permeate my soul to this day. Somehow, I don't know how, I got on that elevator. I don't remember much about how we even got home or anything else for that matter about that day. Perhaps that is the mind's way of coping with such tragedy. Here I stand here today, some two years later, and I am still praying for strength to take each step. With God by my side, nothing is impossible, because I am somehow still standing. The grace comes at the precise moment when it is needed and not a moment before.

I throw my arms up to the sky and pray for Him to lead the way...to write the story...for me to find the continued strength to just follow the script that my Lord and Savior has written, instead of trying to write my own story.

I pray that tonight I can find some rest now that I am finally able to release these thoughts to you, where they belong.

All my love, always and forever, to you, on Angel's Wings,
Mommy


P.S. I would welcome a peaceful and happy dream of you...

December

Ahh... A new month.

I am working on my reflections of Jeremy's 3rd birthday. For now , I will share that it was as painful as I have remembered in years past. I was truly hoping that it wouldn't be for some reason this year, but it was. I am learning to accept that he was loved well so he is missed well too! Missed well equates to many tears...
I have learned to surrender to the pain this year. There was nothing that I could do to make it go away...I have lost so much energy fighting what just isn't mine to have anymore...he really is gone. The life that I had planned happened and is now just something different. There isn't a way to go about recreating what once was, it's bigger than that, and just not possible. People aren't replaceable. I really can't celebrate his birthday the way I want to, so I can either fight a losing battle or surrender. I surrendered.

Jeremy's birthday:
It was painful and filled with many tears.
It was a day filled with pain deeper than tears.
It was also beautiful.
It was a day filled with pure love.
It was a day to rejoice that Jeremy is happy, healthy, and perfect now in every way.
It was a day of remembrance for a child that truly changed some hearts in this world, most especially mine.

I will end tonight with thankfulness for the love, compassion, and also creativity in the ways that others chose to honor our son on his third birthday. Each and every single gesture of love was monumentally helpful in our ability to cope with the pain we faced on Jeremy's birthday.

Simply stated, to know that he was remembered meant the world to us. I can't tell you enough how big of a difference it made to our family to know that our son was remembered and that his life was celebrated in the many ways that our family, friends, and prayer warriors chose to share on his special day.

I am grateful beyond measure tonight.

I am still recovering from the emotional exhaustion that I have come to know that soon follows the more difficult days. It is taking a bit longer for the fog to lift this time.

Angel Mail #16 Special Birthday Delivery

Dear Jeremy,

Happy 3rd Birthday to the sweetest baby angel that I have ever known.
Words cannot appropriately capture the feelings in my heart today.
Virtually all plans made by us to honor you have backfired in one way or another. This initially caused a great deal of frustration over the lack of being able to make time to do something special to honor you today. There was little that we could do about each of the circumstances that arose which prevented us from executing our plans. Eventually, with time, I was able to see that I needed to let go over that control too!

You are a part of who we are as a family every day, not just today, and you always will be. I wanted today to be more special mostly because you are not here for us to love all over , all the time. It was then that I realized that we do just that, we all love you with every cell in our bodies, all the time, every day. You feel our love transcend even to heaven, every single day. In all the right ways and in all the right times, you were loved while you were with us on earth. You will always be loved until our family chain is reconnected one by one.

While we couldn't celebrate your gift of life in the ways that we wanted, we do understand that we could never compete with what you have in heaven. I am grateful for the many ways that so many people shared their love for you today. Rest assured that you were not forgotten here on earth.

I am honored to be your mom. I have learned more from you than you will ever know.
I miss you so very much, every day, but especially today.

My Deepest Birthday Love to you on Angel's Wings,
Mommy

Thanksgiving... Blessed to Bless

Thanksgiving, as defined in the dictionary, is the act of giving thanks or an expression of thanks.

It is a wonderful feeling to spend time reflecting the blessings in life, even in the midst of sadness. Wouldn't it be wonderful to feel this connected to our gratefulness every day of the year?

To do more...well that just takes to a new level don't you think?

Showing thanks for the blessings in your life can take many forms...the story that follows is just one. It all began with one person. One person inspired to do more than reflect upon her thankfulness. Her thoughts and actions soon inspired her family. As a family, they in turn inspired countless individuals to unite together to use their actions to reflect their thankfulness. One person started something that grew into something that will touch so many lives. The story of one that grew into infinity since we will really never know the end to this expression of gratitude for the many blessings in our lives. This story will most likely touch another human heart who will also become inspired and the story goes on and on, kind of amazing don't you think?

I have permission to share the story but have changed the names since I can't remember if I had permission to share personal information and I want to maintain some sort of privacy for those involved. Just in case...

Dear Amy,

I just finished sending an email to a friend talking about how grateful and blessed I have been feeling lately. So many events, stories, etc that help you to see things in a different light and with different perspective. This month has been full of these moments. Then I tuned into your blog--being grateful!

My daughter has 2 little friends that have had inspirational lives and moments. With two friends in her close circle of friends I felt the need to act. We asked for prayers and support of your family and the other friend and family. My heart was sad, but was soon smiling and overwhelmed by the support from people who do not know either family. I feel truly blessed to have such great friends and coworkers.

In honor of Jeremy's birthday and in honor of a speedy recovery for our other friend, we collected tissues. There are feelings of helplessness, wanting to help the families that are in need of love and support, but also questions--and not knowing what to do. So we thought of a little way to help. We truly are grateful. This week we collected 421 packs of tissues. I had happy tears every time someone handed me a pack of tissues. It didn't matter if it was a single pack...or multiple...or even if they said "I will keep these families in my prayers" I have never been a big hugger....but I guess I am now. I felt the need to hug everyone that handed me a pack or offered words of support.

I have 2 boxes to deliver to you. We put blue bows for Jeremy and stickers for the other child! I will put them in the van tomorrow...I never know when I might run into you. We will be playing soccer in the morning, so I may see you then. If not, if you can give me your house # I can drop them on your front porch.

I am indeed feeling grateful tonight- for my kids, our health, our family, for friends....and for this weekend...that will allow me to slow down, spend time with my children and appreciate very second that I have with them.

With a very grateful heart tonight,
C

Wow. Amazing. Wonderful. I know, it made me cry too! Tears of gratefulness though...

Here are a few other stories of ways that other Prayer Warriors have been blessed to bless others in need:

A dear friend of mine is collecting those sweet, soft, and cuddly Pillow Pets for the Children's Hospital where Jeremy was a patient. We have embraced this mission and whole heartily agree that these pillows will without a doubt be a comfort and help the children facing the holidays as patients in the hospital this year. Who wouldn't want want to cuddle one of those pillows? I know my kids LOVE them! Her family has set a goal to donate 200 Pillow Pets to the hospital this year. At last count they were nearing 100 so far. I pray that she reaches her goal! Whatever amount of pillows that is donated will surely be a blessing!

Someone else used his passion for our Lord and bike riding, his ability to recognize the blessing of his good health to even be able to ride, and his gratefulness for the many blessings in his life, to bless many others by riding in a special 62 mile ride in memory of Jeremy and to also raise funds and awareness for our foundation. We remain grateful and in awe of this amazing blessing of a friend and the ways he will bless so many with his generosity, time, and talents.

Another friend mentioned to me today a story about an evening playing Bingo with her family. This said friend won a pie at bingo that night. At first she was excited but quickly met a woman who she knew needed the pie more. My friend gave the woman the pie and thought the gift was so simple but would quickly learn it was much more than that. My friend realized that she had been placed in just the right place at just the right time. She learned just how much this pie would mean to someone who would likely spend the holiday alone,lonely, and without much means to provide a Thanksgiving holiday that many have the blessing to enjoy. One pie, a simple thing to some, yet a gift that had a profound impact on another human heart.

There is yet another faithful prayer warrior that I know planning to bless others this Christmas season. I am looking forward to hearing about her vision of hope and the ways that I can be of help to her as she puts her thoughts into actions.

Here is yet another link to blog with an awesome idea as well.

The list goes on and on...As I am writing this, I am feeling more grateful by the minute to be in the presence of so many people who are blessed to bless others. It really is contagious, in a good way. The real beauty in it all is that there isn't a right or wrong to bless someone in need. There isn't a dollar sign attached, there isn't a specific amount of time required, or a particular item needed. All you have to do is open your eyes, follow your heart, and respond with love. Be the hands and feet of Jesus on earth. Love others...I promise you won't miss the mark.

Feeling inspired and want to be a part of any of the above mentioned projects? Contact me via the comments and leave me your contact information, e-mail me, call me, wave me down....you know the drill by now.

Feeling inspired and have your own ideas? Please share. I'd love nothing more than to hear about your ideas.

With a Grateful Heart,

Creating Sunshine

Creating Sunshine...well that has been my goal this month. I needed it to survive this month. I needed to actively seek out sunshine and freshen my perspective on life otherwise the pain would swallow me up. The pain is that big. It is that ugly.
It CAN also be that powerful. I still refuse to surrender to it completely. Some argue it is what I might try to heal. All this time, I really never have fully given in to it. I run from it. I try not to look at it too long. I try to change the subject. I try to see if it will be different tomorrow. I am falling faster and faster with Jeremy's birthday quickly approaching. In the midst of the fall I have noticed that I have for the first time seen growth and healing. I can also feel areas where I am falling right back into the trap of pain and unhealthy ways of coping.

Earlier this month I bought a present to remind myself that sunshine was indeed there each day for me to find, to unravel, to discover, and to enjoy.

How do you create sunshine? Please share...

Grateful Tree 2010

Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.
~George Herbert

I'm pretty sure that Target sells this purposed as a jewelry tree. In our house it serves as our Grateful Tree. Each night and sometimes more often we share the things we are thankful for each day. I record them on the itty bitty leaves and display them on the tree. It has become the focal point of our kitchen table. It is true, we each have much to be thankful for and I have enjoyed nurturing my children to grow more grateful hearts.Gratefulness is a trait that one should strive for each day but it is most commonly associated with this particular time of year.

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I plan to add the leaves to a scrapbook where we can look back and reflect the many blessings that have been in our lives. (one day)

Also pictured in the photo is the devotional that was mentioned in an earlier post. I am grateful for those that linked other calendar devotionals to me but unfortunately they were all by other artists by the same name, Chris Shea. Who knew there could be more than one artist named Chris Shea who designs devotional calendars? Well...by the looks of things, I will have to accept that this calendar will come to an end, as most things in life do, and that I will need to embrace a change again. I pray that the new calendar fills my soul with the simple lessons that are needed in the new year. Only God knows where this will lead. Any suggestions?

Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. ~Henry Ward Beecher

Jeremy's Birthday Dinners

My monthly meal swap is tomorrow. I was assigned the Wild Card this month which means that I had the freedom to make whatever meal I wanted. This month I will be contributing a favorite family meal since I am all about comfort at this time in my life. It is a recipe that belongs to a special Aunt and I am so grateful that she shared it with my family and now yours too! You're the best Aunt Juney! I also happened to have some of the ingredients in my pantry and it is super easy to make. I really needed easy this month. I think I made a good choice this month and I hope everyone else agrees.

My Dinner Diva friends also surprised me with a sweet idea to help celebrate Jeremy's birthday. They decided to each make one extra meal this month and donate them to the Children's House, the respite home, that is near and dear to me. I thought it was a wonderful idea and I am grateful to have such amazing friends that have been by my side since the very beginning of Jeremy's story. Thank you for loving me and my family and for always standing up to do more, to share that love with others in need, in honor of Jeremy. It means more than you will ever know. We will never really know the ripple effect of this generosity and compassion for others.

Here is the recipe that I simply call Aunt Juney's Chicken:

Ingredients:
1 small bottle of Wishbone Russian Dressing
1 envelope of Lipton Onion Soup Mix
1 8 ounce jar of Apricot preserves
1/2 cup of walnuts chopped
1/2 to 3/4 cups of raisins

Mix ingredients together and pour over chicken. My favorite chicken to use in this recipe is boneless skinless thighs but it would work well with any chicken parts on the bone too. I use about about 1 1/2 lbs of chicken in each recipe. I portioned out about 2 thighs per person.

Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for about one hour and fifteen minutes or until chicken is fully cooked. We like to serve the dish over warm rice. A nice salad or other green vegetable would compliment the meal nicely. Enjoy.

A Third Birthday is on the Horizon

Jeremy's birthday is quickly approaching. We plan to spend the day honoring his life and the gifts that he left within our hearts until the days when our family chain is reconnected.

Many have asked so I will share our personal thoughts on how others might choose to honor our son, Jeremy's, life alongside us this year on what would have been his third birthday. Please bear in mind these are merely suggestions and are not presented in any particular order of importance, each and every has a special meaning...

1. Call the Red Cross and give blood or platelets. There are a handful of folks already signed up and I am sure the Red Cross would welcome many more. Sadly, we have not organized this event on our own again this year but you CAN find a drive that is currently in place in area near you. Jeremy needed more units of blood and platelets than I could ever count. Giving life to someone else in great need in memory of Jeremy couldn't please us more . We would welcome help to organize a blood drive in our area if someone is willing to take that project on. I am willing to help but cannot take on that task alone.

2. We plan to donate books to the library within the hospital again this year. Our nuclear family have each chosen a title that has special meaning to us to share with other children that may utilize this wonderful resource at the hospital. We welcome other family, friends, and prayer warriors to please feel free to donate a book in Jeremy's memory and join us in providing comfort to other sick children. When the pain is so great that words do not come easily to speak, it is comforting to read books to your child. The children are in turn more peaceful and comforted by the sound of loving and familiar voices heard above the many hospital noises. Perhaps you have a children's book that you hold special in your heart that you might be willing to share?

3. I would have loved for this to have had more fanfare because it truly is a wonderful thing, but none the less, Jeremy's foundation is now legal and officially recognized in our state. Folks may wish to make donations in Jeremy's memory to The Rays of Sunshine Foundation to help other critically ill children and their families who are currently in need. A website is currently under construction. Checks may be made payable to The Rays of Sunshine Foundation. All proceeds are used to support critically ill children and their families. More information is sure to follow soon.

4. Another consideration would be to support the hospital directly and earmark funds to the PICU, Cardiology, or Child Life.

5. We also whole heartily welcome and encourage support for the Believe In Tomorrow Children's Foundation. We will be forever grateful for their part in our journey and will always remain connected to this foundation in whatever capacity we can.

6. Pray. We ask for prayers for peace and comfort. There is great joy and great sadness both on the same day. There is great exhaustion in balancing the two ALL month.

7. Take a moment to ponder the impact Jeremy may have had on your life. If you would be ever so kind to share those experiences with us, even anonymously, through this blog, snail mail, or even email, it would mean more to us than you would ever know.

8. Love...love those that are near and dear to you without abandon. Make each moment count...

Thank you for reading, listening, loving us, your prayers, encouragement, generosity, and more than we could ever express on this blog. We are forever changed and forever grateful for so much.

Be Thankful for Small Things

The devotion on my little calendar yesterday read:

Be thankful for small things!
XO God

I am grateful for so many things. I do think I have adopted a grateful heart attitude for the many ways I am blessed by God and others on a daily basis. I am grateful that I can see these blessings regularly. It really is very easy for some of these small blessings to go unnoticed.

To name one little thing...I am grateful for this little calendar devotion that sits on my kitchen table. An amazing author and illustrator, Chris Shea, has designed them in connection to some of her books that she has written. I have loved this little calendar for three years now. I have loved it myself, I have loved giving it as a gift for Christmas, and I have also loved saving the messages and mailing them to others when appropriate. There have been a few memorable and amazing experiences with this calendar and the devotions presented on particular days. I have been grateful and enjoyed it along the way. Is anyone else like me and starts looking for next year's calendars now? I am sad because I cannot find this little calendar devotion by this author anywhere. I am deeply afraid that it is no longer in production. It is silly to be so sad about a calendar but I have really enjoyed the sweet and tender messages each morning and I don't like to think of my mornings next year without it. I'll keep praying that I just haven't found it yet...maybe they are late in production this year. We'll see.

What little things are you grateful for today?

Weekending

Fighting germies away
Sticking close to the neb machine
Trying not to worry
Snuggling and watching movies
Celebrating my mother's birthday
Breakfast for dinner, Bananas Foster French Toast with Warm Caramel Sauce, MMMmm
Pocahontas Part 2. Didn't know that existed. Now I do
Read alouds
Quiet reading time for me too
Soccer game
Starting a new 1000 piece puzzle (haven't done that in such a long time)
Christmas shopping ONLINE Yippee!
board games
laundry
ensuring color will return to my world in early spring by planting bulbs
Shew, needed to get that done this weekend since there was actual frost on my grass this morning!
Eating a surprise dinner...Crabs! What a treat!
Grateful for the safe travel of family and friends traveling. Praying for smiles and memories to warm their hearts...
Just finished packing lunches and preparing for another crazy week.

You?

The Fog

I am grateful for the kind words and prayers. They sustain me long after they are spoken and shared.

Not much to report. I feel as though I am walking through a fog most days. I struggle to stay focused on the daily tasks because my attention is pulled into the past. I forget or mess up the things in present time and then I get frustrated. It is really a mess of things folks. Sleep deprivation, constant work to stay focused on the here and now, and the frustration. Trust me they are not a good combination.

What am I doing about it?

praying
reading to distract my mind
drinking LOTS of coffee especially in the morning and then again say at 2 p.m.
listening to soft, gentle, and soothing music
playing with my kids
trying my best to live with a grateful heart...there really is an abundance of good around me in my life.
trying not to beat myself up too badly for the things that I mess up
trying to stay at peace knowing tomorrow is a new day
trying to master this lesson on how to be okay with missing Jeremy...All I can muster is I'm okay, for someone who is NOT okay.

Here We Go...

It is me. The transparent me who isn't sugar coating anything tonight. No amount of dragging our feet will keep our hearts free from the pain that this month will bring.

I am working really hard to stay present in the world of today. I am trying NOT to look too far behind me and not too far ahead.

Memories that once were, have begun to have soft edges but still cause gasping pain if I allow myself to think and ponder them for too long. Memories to be created without Jeremy don't seem possible, yet I know they will happen naturally on their own, just as they have for the last two and a half years. I still wish our memories being created today could be with Jeremy too and I long for his presence in each high and low of family life today.

If I may borrow a term from good friends...I think I'd like to wear a sign this month that says EGR, which stands for Extra Grace Required. I think I may need a little extra grace from time to time this month...

The heaviness landed this morning when I awoke. I could feel it coming, swirling, and hovering over my heart. It could best be described as part fear of the unknown pain that we will endure this year on what would have been Jeremy's third birthday. I question what it will feel like this year? I also fear passing one more year without him and letting go a little more of the dreams that we once had for his life. To this day, I am still grateful for a dear friend Julie's reminder that each day that I live on this earth, I am one day closer to a life lived eternal with Jeremy.

The holidays are right behind his birthday and so it is now that I will fight to hold it together and muster up the strength that I will need for later.

I humble myself and petition you all for prayers for our family during this especially difficult month. Please pray that the Lord continues to work through us and within us to bring glory to His name. Please pray that we can keep our hearts open to the comfort of our Lord and also from family, friends, and prayer warriors. We pray that our hearts can remain open and softened by this love and compassion shown to us all. We pray that we are able to endure the fight and are able to resist the temptation to become bitter and angry. I especially pray that as Jeremy's birthday approaches we feel more of the soft and gentle memories, that we can see the ebb tide of the ways that God used Jeremy's life here on earth for the greater good, and that the sharp hurt continues to subside. In His name we pray. Amen

Halloween 2010

Couldn't let the evening come to an end without a picture of the kids in their costumes. Please meet Luke Skywalker, Kit Kitteridge, and Sully posing beneath the blue ribbon since Jeremy is and always will be a part of who we all are today. It was one of the small and subtle ways to incorporate Jeremy into our special and festive day.

This year wasn't as bad as years gone by, but there were still quite a few moments that managed to take my breath away today. I guess I've grown to accept that it will be this way...

Well lots to do tonight to get ready for another busy week so I'll sign off for now. When I get stuff done, I'm planning to raid the bags of Halloween candy!

Chasing the Germies Away

What a week. The germies have infected our house and have robbed us of our sleep, they have raised our anxieties, and have wreaked havoc on our regular routine. However, I refuse to give in totally and miss out on ALL of the fun of the season. Here is a sneak peek of our Sully who is oh so cute but under the weather!

We made these this week. I was inspired by some of the fall decor at the shops at the beach while we were on vacation. They have made a joyful and sparkly decor to our kitchen table centerpiece. My house will surely sparkle for months as I am still finding glitter everywhere! My oh, oh my, how little ones love glitter!


Thanks to a little extra cooperation and good ole fashioned flexibility as well as a little extra love and support from grandparents and good friends, we still managed to meet all deadlines at school and the olders still made it to all extra curricular activities. They also had fun with Christian Heroes Day at school and even attended a fun after school Christian Heroes party . It is my pleasure to introduce you to Mary and King Josiah.


Despite the hours of cuddling on the couch ( I wouldn't have it any other way!) we were also blessed to have a few good dinners this week. This is solely in thanks to our meal swap group. I was able to whip those dinners right out of the freezer and throw them into a crock pot and six to eight hours later, Voila, dinner was served as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening in our house. We dined on Spiced Pork Roast, Chicken Teriyaki, Pumpkin soup, and Creamy Chicken with Wild Rice soup. Have you thought about being a part of a meal swap group after reading some of the posts on my blog? Well consider this yet another advantage, when life gets crazy, and unpredictably so, the meals in the freezer help to make dinner easy and nourish bodies that are tired and fighting germies away. One group of my friends began a new swap this week and I've already heard how well it went and how excited they are to keep it going! Yeah! Another group may be forming in my sister's hometown too. Wahoo!

Whew...after all that, Mom turned into a ZOMBIE last night, but hey, that was expected.

Here's a peek of our lunch before it was baked today. Sorry I am so tired that I forgot to take a picture of the pizzas after they were baked. One pizza has my hand drawn images of ghosts, bats, and the word Boo cut out from Mozzarella cheese slices. The other pizza is whole wheat and has the leftover cheese, pesto(leftover from meal swap meal) and pizza sauce. MMMmmm!



I'm looking forward to making the best of the rest of our weekend. We rented a few Halloween themed movies, checked out some Halloween books from the library,perhaps make an appearance at another party and will hunker down at the eleventh hour to finally carve our Jack-O-Lanterns. We will hope that the germies leave us once and for all this weekend and that life will resume it's normal craziness next week.

Thanks for reading.

Meal Swapping October

Well folks. In case there anyone out there wondering what my recipe was this month for our meal swap, I made a rerun from last year. It would seem as though other families enjoyed my messed up version of Turkey Cranberry Meatloaf, so I made it again this year.

Did you miss it last time?

Here it is again. http://findingsunshineagain.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-little-coupon.html
My mistake... well, I added the whole box of stuffing. It has been a hit in our house ever since. I think I will always make it using the modified version from here on out.

I really can't say enough positive things about this swap. Dinner is still good many nights of our very busy weeks thanks to my friends.

Just took out some Teriyaki Chicken from the freezer stash of meals for tomorrow's dinner. I think it might pair well with some fresh broccoli from the market. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Nature's Confetti

I was able to take advantage of some quiet time in the woods today. There has been a lot of busyness in my life lately. I was presented with a choice to stay busy or to take a moment to pause and enjoy a fleeting moment of peace. I chose to find some sunshine and soak in the peace this afternoon. I think I chose wisely.

There is so much pain and suffering in this world. As I stand in the midst of my own pain, facing daily the death of my own child, it certainly causes me to see and react to the pain and suffering of others differently. There have been a number of people facing some pretty tough things in the last week or so. Having traveled on this road for some time now, one might think they know a thing or two about this suffering that so many experience in this world. Sadly, I do not. I am unable to offer any words of wisdom on how to explain it. I have learned it can only be approached with much love. Love others? Well, I can surely do that. I can love from trenches of life that I did not ever think I would experience. I pray daily to find the strength to not ask WHY? but HOW? How can I use this pain? Lord how can I use this pain to bring glory to Your name? Some days this is the pain that will pull you under if you let it. This is the pain that waits to pounce on you each morning as you crawl out of bed, before your cup of coffee, before you have had a chance to make sense of the morning light. This is also the very pain that makes you stop and see the world in a different light, which in my view, has been a gift.

This morning, I'll admit, I was allowing the pain to win. Was it weakness? Yep. Sleep deprivation? Yep. The time of year? Yep. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yep, that too. This morning the pain allowed me to remember all four of my children in car seats awaiting the arrival time of preschool under the fall trees in the school driveway. I saw the same beautiful trees, the same seats, the same school, only this time there are only three children. There really are four, I just can't see one. The tears were flowing all the way home and my heart was aching. The enemy wanted nothing more than for me to reside in the pain and spend all day trying to figure out how it was that I arrived at this point in my life having given birth to four children but only seeing three grow and develop on earth.

I arrived back home was determined not to crawl back into bed. I put one foot in front of the other, took a deep breath, and decided that I wasn't going to sit back and LET it win today. I set out to FIND SUNSHINE and I did. It's always nice to share sunshine when you find it in the world.

It was a beautiful fall day today. I was running errands this afternoon when a small detour entered my life. There was construction on a road I was traveling on and I was forced to take in the fall sights all around me while I waited for the traffic to flow again. There was a strong nudging to breathe it all in, so I did. My...Oh my...did I breathe in a breath of peace. The splendor of fall colors was magnificent! I was hooked. I took every back road I could think of to get to my eventual destination. I had time to play with, for once in my life...In the end, I think I used my time very wisely!

The smell in the woods was full of fall aromas like the leaves and mums in full bloom. How often do we stop to appreciate the little things in life? I feel corny sometimes, but really, there is pure and simple joy found in things like the smell of flowers in full bloom. The leaves were crunching under my footsteps and the sound of the stream water gently rolling over the rocks was very peaceful. The sound of the leaves rustling in the wind was also very calming to my soul. Then, watching the leaves fall slowly to the ground was like nature's confetti reminding me that LIFE in and of itself, is a celebration. It was such a gift to also catch the view of the Rays Of Sunshine shining through the clouds. That very image made me smile from the inside out. The unexpected hour alone in the woods was just what I needed and it seemed like the world stood still, just for a moment, for me to catch my breath.


Life is a gift. Breathe it in. Make something of it. Cherish it. Allow yourself the time to relax enough to see it for what it really is. Endeavor to experience what it throws your way. LOVE with all your heart and soul. Hold nothing back. LIVE WELL.

Coming Home

It is fall for sure. The weather in our town has been mostly cool and damp so far this fall. The colors are vibrant all around town. I love coming home to this tree. One good thing about being a busy mom is that I get to come home and see this tree several times a day. Each day the colors get a little bit brighter.I wonder how many more days until the entire tree is filled with fall colors? I especially love how the leaves are different colors and all on the same tree.

I am feeling a little cool and damp on the inside today. There is much to be thankful for and much I have lost too. My arms ache just a bit today as I remember my sweet baby Jeremy. Here's hoping that there are warmer and brighter fall days ahead.

Baskets and Pantries Full of Gratefulness

I am humbled again.

I am grateful for the numerous snack and pantry items that were donated this past week. Today I delivered two very full snack baskets that were beautifully decorated and arranged. I noticed throughout the morning that items were already beginning to quickly disappear.

I also filled the various pantries with the generous supply of easy to prepare meals that were donated as well.

In the process of stocking those shelves and filling those baskets I realized that that it was I that was filled. I was filled with a gift of peace knowing that together we are truly making a difference to someone, maybe a few someones. It feels good to spread sunshine. It is healing for me to do something to change the world that I see.

I was reminded of yet another quote that I hold dear to my heart.
"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." ~James Barrie~

I thank all those who participated through prayer, donations, and financial support. I also appreciated the help organizing the baskets. I have supplies to keep it going for the next few weeks but would love to keep it going longer. If you missed us this time or would like to help out again, please feel free to participate whenever you can. I am hoping to refill the baskets weekly. As always, every little bit helps and together adds up to a big impact on the hearts of others. May your heart feel filled tonight knowing that you made a difference in the lives of many families.

Praying that each of us can find a place within our hearts where we take nothing for granted. Life is so fragile.

Finding Sunshine Of Our Own

Our fall vacation to the beach yielded plenty of rain this year. What would one expect when they travel in the midst of Tropical Storms that hovered up and down the coast? This was a good thing for the areas that have been without rain for many months. A local resident that we met while eating at our favorite restaurant informed us that there hasn't been two days of consecutive rain since May. In fact one of the smaller beaches that we like to frequent was closed due to higher levels of bacteria which is caused by a lack of rain water. There wasn't any flooding here as far as we could tell but we did hear that the water level rose. While one would typically render this a disaster of a vacation we decided to make it the best vacation that we could and do you know what? We succeeded!

Would we have liked to have had more sunny days at the beach? Of course.
We quickly realized that the rain didn't stop us from having good quality time together, it didn't stop the fun, it didn't keep us from doing anything that was on our "list" of vacation things to do! With a little last minute adjusting to our schedule we were able to leave earlier than planned and get two sunny beach days in at the beginning of the trip.

I feel like we were able to live out our theme for life now FINDING SUNSHINE. Maybe there wasn't a lot of sunshine in the forecast, but there was plenty to go around in our family. I felt good. It felt right and refreshing to our souls. This vacation was just what we needed and I am glad that we stayed and made the most of our trip.

I'll be sharing more thoughts and reflections from our trip soon. Stay tuned.

Words of Encouragement

Thanks to Kara for your kind words of encouragement on a late night. It warms my heart more than you will ever know.

Life is different now.

Sure, like most folks, I get frustrated too sometimes but that too is different now.

My mantra..."There are worse things in life than..."

There are moments EVERYDAY when I look up and think I want time to freeze right now in this moment. I want to memorize all there is to remember because time doesn't stand still and time moves on. For the most part, time moves on before we are ready. We aren't offered that choice to say whether or not we are ready for a change. It happens right before our own eyes and sometimes, most times, we don't even notice.

There are moments in life where I just plain and simple wear myself out with my deep thoughts and reflections. I think I intimidate people with my depth of character and that most times people think I am weird. I am learning to like myself and care less about what others think of me and the way I choose to live my life. All we are we are...like the song says. I cannot change the circumstances that have created the person that I am today. My circumstances have created me just like yours have created you. We are not here to judge one another, just to love one another.

Mostly, I just don't want to miss a moment. Life is short. Life as we know it can change in a second. I want to live with my eyes, heart, and mind wide open. Life is a gift.

So forgive me if I am guilty of freely showing love and gratitude often. Forgive me for continuing to cry almost on a daily basis. I am living, breathing, and feeling it ALL, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have survived to tell stories about depths in life that I wish I didn't experience much less remember. However, those very depths have taught me how to make the ordinary EXTRAORDINARY! The ordinary moments have formed new heights in my world, and for that, I am grateful.

And to those of you who have shown broken hearted love and encouragement to me and my family along the way we are grateful. The moments shared on night's like this of how our "story" has impacted your lives in a positive way is powerful. I petition you to keep sharing those with us...those stories fill us with warmth and help us to see the many ways that Jeremy lives on through and in each of your hearts. It is then that we in turn can feel his warmth all around us and that feels good. So good.

You Get What You Give

Does your soul need refreshing?

Have you tried volunteering your time, treasures, or talents to someone in need?

I just can't say enough about the way it makes me feel to be in service to others in need. Just when feel like I don't have a single solitary cell left in my body to accomplish anything, I feel on top of the world when I can help someone else. It really is amazing, try it for yourself and see if you don't agree.

Remember the quote about the rainbow colors? Well it inspired me so much that I enlisted the help of my kids and we made Rainbow brownies. Don't get too excited, they were made with a lot of help from Betty Crocker in a box and two small canisters of Mini M&Ms. In the end they indeed looked rainbow delicious! We printed the quote on colorful paper, wrapped each one individually in pretty bags and tied them with rainbow color ribbons. They were delivered to the respite house, the place we called home for several weeks while Jeremy was sick. There was even an adorable fall pumpkin basket on the desk just waiting for the delicious yummies! Here's hoping that a little homemade treat and an inspirational quote may make the families walking to and from the hospital feel loved, encouraged, and perhaps even help them find a little smile today.

I spent the rest of the morning at the respite house yesterday. The bulk of my time was spent organizing one of the pantries that the families have direct contact with on a daily basis. I threw out old expired food and organized the shelves for ease at finding what might be needed. What is the point of this story you might ask? Well folks, there is a need that I would like to invite you to help provide. There is a desperate need for easy meals, you know like Easy Mac, Chef Boyardee cans of Ravioli, Hamburger Helper, those yummy Lipton Noodle and Sauce packs, Premade Tuna Meals, Cup of Noodles, and Oodles of Noodles. You get the point, things that families could make quick and easy. There is also a need for snack items such as granola bars, Nutragrain bars, Trail Mix, Pretzels, anything in a single serve packet that the families could grab and eat on the go or at the bedside of their child. I went to the main pantry to restock and it was completely bare of these types of food. If you happen to be at the grocery store this week and you are able to help out by supplying even one item mentioned above, it would be such a blessing to the families at the respite home.

I also delivered 252 packs of tissues to the PICU as well. I know, a big day huh? The staff were all happy to see me and also grateful (as always) for the tissues. My supply of tissues has now been depleted. The PICU typically calls every two months for the tissues. This is another invitation to help restock tissues for other crying Mama's just like me. Would you prayerfully consider helping fill that need as well. Remember we collect small purse size packs that are individually wrapped. These tissues are delivered by the staff to the PICU families who need them.

Any donations can be delivered to my home at any time. Monetary donations and/or gift cards are also appreciated to make these types of purchases. I plan to visit weekly so anytime is good, as these donations are appreciated on an ongoing basis.

It is another way to take something that seems so small but can have a big impact on someone in need, especially if we work together. I bet we can restock that pantry and the tissue supply in no time!

I am grateful for your prayers and your support as always. Not one prayer or donation goes unnoticed. Sadly, I still have my Mother's Day Bag project thank you cards in hand and need to send those. Sorry folks...

And by the way...Kirsten, this feeds me! :)

Grow Old With Me

Grow Old With Me.

This is the song that we danced to for the first time as husband and wife thirteen years ago on our Wedding Day.

We were young and we had our whole life ahead of us. We could see so many happy times together. We planned for those...

We've had some tough times too along the way. We didn't plan for those. Were we young and naive? Were we so happy to finally begin our lives together that we couldn't imagine those times? Did we just passively acknowledge them and assume they would be small hurdles? Perhaps a little of all three.

Weddings still make me cry. A mixed bag of tears really. Mostly, when I attend weddings, I remember when I too was the bride, just like it was yesterday. On my Wedding Day I remember feeling so happy and looking forward with excitement to begin this journey of marriage with a person that I knew was a good fit for my soul. I remember feeling full of hope of so many good things to come. They did for sure. Too many to count. I also remember being filled with certainty that we could face anything together that life had to throw at us. We were strong individually and even stronger together... Maybe I was too confident. Standing at the altar that day, I surely didn't think we would live to tell about our child that we loved and had to let go. Grieving at times can be a stress on a marriage, but it has also been a glue like none other.

Today, we are still standing together, still in love, still devoted to each other and the life that we began so many years ago. This year is different though. This year, we stand more maturely, refined by God and the life experiences that we have been through. We surely don't look much like that couple thirteen years ago. Today we have a few more gray hairs and a few more wrinkles, but more of what counts on the inside, much more wisdom and bigger hearts for sure! Today we stand ready to face whatever life brings to each and every day and with much greater love and appreciation. Life is so very fragile and it can change in an instant. We stand today with gratefulness for God's blessings in our lives and a desire to just make the most of each day and the life that has been given to us. Our lives, our family, our marriage, and our love for one another all have such greater meaning. So today we celebrate a marriage still standing through such adversity, the every day frustrations and the big roadblocks too.

No flowers or fancy dinner reservations were needed. We have just returned from being out of town and there was lots of unpacking to do and an enormous pile of laundry. No worries. We didn't need to go to extraordinary measures to fluff up the day because in every way that counts, our lives are extraordinary. An anniversary is a special day don't get me wrong. For us however, it is the every day, ordinary moments that are what really matter. I am content with my extraordinary everyday moments and those are all the gifts that I need, today and tomorrow too. It will be nice to go out for dinner sometime in the near future and to enjoy a special evening together. We will make the time to celebrate our love, but after all, we are adults and can delay our plans to a time when it works out best for everyone's schedule. In doing so, we will be able to truly enjoy the time together.

Here's hoping that our future is bright and filled with more sunshine than our hearts can hold. I am just grateful to have my husband along for the crazy ride of life, the highs, the lows, and everything in between. So today, and for each day that we have to come, we will face the setting sun with God as two people forever changed but still holding on to each other and to HIM.

A Tooth Fairy Visit at the Beach

Who knew?

If you should lose your tooth while on vacation at the beach and you place that very tooth under your pillow while you slumber to the sound of the crashing waves, you might just wake up to the gift of a sand dollar. I guess the Tooth Fairy really does find you no matter where you are. Hmmm

And oh my, isn't she creative?

My daughter thinks so. :)

Storms of Life

This little message has stuck with my soul for a long time now.


Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child.

It's no secret to most that we have spent many days at the beach this past summer. I love having a visual image to illustrate this message. The storm picture is compliments of Hurricane Earl.

I hope this message whispers to your heart today.

Rain

Out of the mouths of babes...

It rained today.

My thirdling says " Mom, Is Jeremy washing his hands?"

It took me awhile to get on his page. He is afraid of storms. We tell him soft stories of angels, including his brother, Jeremy, bowling and playing in heaven.

I guess it is only natural that he should transfer that thought to think that the rain must be from the angels washing up.

:)

Hello Fall

I am a few days behind. Happy Fall Y'all! It's no secret that I love summer and so I am sad to see it come to an end but I am looking forward to some aspects of fall too! So without further delay here are my summer favorites of 2010!

Favorite Memory:

Too many to count for this category! I had many heartwarming moments and memories this summer. I am very blessed in may ways. Spending hours at the pool listening to the Zac Brown Band play Chicken Fried swim meets, days spent near the sea with family and friends, many inpromtu gatherings and playdates, a night at the fair, dinner parties, catching fireflies, Red Box Movie Nights, reading a good book or two, laying low, letting go of routines and letting the days unfold...AHHH bliss.

Favorite Song:

Zac Brown Chicken Fried pretty much sums up summer this year. I also fell in love with Chris Tomlin's I Will Follow.

Favorite T.V. Show:

Still loyal to Friday Night Lights.

Favorite Food Out:

Fish tacos and guacamole from a local restaurant

Favorite Food Homemade:

Tomato Pie

Rachael Ray's Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches

Favorite Purchase:
underwater camera

my purse

Favorite Drink:

chardonnay chilled
Favorite Memory:

Realizing I really have changed. Thanks Rachael Ray Show!

I couldn't live without :
flip flops in the summer

Can a girl have such a thing as too many pairs? My favorite pair was literally worn out this summer. While that saddens me, I had more joy wearing them to the worn out state they ended up in than to say they were my favorites while they say it my closet. Catch my drift?


I also must say that I also loved my sunshine toes again this summer. The whole flip flop look really lets them SHINE!


Hello Fall...I am looking forward to some upcoming fall events but also beginning to get a but apprehensive about some difficult days ahead.

Rainbow Colors

Someone very special to me and to our family sent this to me last week. It arrived on a day just when I needed it most...

Rainbow colors are there to remind us only HE can give calm through the storm and peace to the heart filled with rain.
-Maryanne Radmacher

Calling All Football Fans

It's that time of year again, football season. There are a few football fans in our house and Mexican food is often a requested meal on game days. My Dinner Diva group will meet tomorrow so I thought I'd share my contribution to the meal swap.

Mexican Manicotti

Ingredients:
1 lb of lean ground beef
1 can (16 oz) refried beans
2 1/2 tablespoons chili powder
1 1/2 tablespoons dried oregano
1 package manicotti shells (80z)
2 1/2 cups water
1 jar (16 oz) picante sauce
2 cups (16 oz) sour cream
1 cup (4oz) shredded Monterrey Jack or Mexican style shredded cheese

Assembly:
In a bowl combine UNCOOKED beef, refried beans, chili powder, and oregano. Spoon into UNCOOKED manicotti shells and arrange in a greased 13x9 baking dish. Combine water and picante sauce and pour over shells.

If freezing - cover and freeze

If making meal without freezing- cover and refrigerate overnight. Remove from refrigerator thirty minutes before baking.

***helpful hints from me***
I use disposable pastry bags to pipe the meat into the manicotti shells. The bag I used worked well without the tip. The preformed hole in the end of the bag worked well to fill the shells. This was really helpful since I filled 108 manicotti shells last night.

This recipe is ideal for me to split into two 8x8 pans for my family. At this point, my kids aren't big eaters for every meal. I serve this dish with some rice, corn, chips and salsa, etc. so one 8x8 pan is enough for my family. This way I get two dinners out of one recipe. If I have company for supper, I can easily bake two pans.

Serving Day:
Thaw completely in refrigerator before baking. Cover and bake at 350 for one hour. Uncover, spoon sour cream over the top and sprinkle with cheese. Bake ten minutes longer or until cheese is melted.

Remember to split sour cream and cheese if you make 8x8 pans.

*** We ran out of chili powder while making this recipe. Hubby suggested using a package of taco seasoning that was thankfully in the pantry. Everyone in the swap will get the traditional recipe and I'll let you know how the taco seasoning works out when we eat ours.

This meal is a lot of work if making more than one dish. However, the dinner time hour on a weekday could be smooth if prepared ahead of time. It was a hit with the Dinner Diva group last time and was requested to make again! Hope you all enjoy it too!

TEN

There is physical pain. The nurse asks "What number are you?" The answer to this question helps the nurse to manage the pain. When your answer is a ten you have little expectations do accomplish much. You give into the pain and pray that the wound heals and the pain subsides.

Yesterday was a TEN. My emotional pain can transcend to physical pain at times. The pain makes it ever so difficult to function in the everyday world.

Today the physical markers of that pain showed up. The red, puffy eyes, exhaustion, stomach discomfort, fog, and lack of focus.

I am sad. It is okay to be sad. My life is different now. Jeremy is gone from this world and I am allowed to miss him. I am allowed to give into my grief and just cry myself to sleep.

It hurts. A part of me will always hurt. I loved him well. He loved me well. He loved his family well.

I will always have a special place in my heart for my son. He filled that special place with love beyond imagine yesterday...I am grateful.

Angel Mail #15

Dear Jeremy,

Today would be your first day of school if you were here with us on earth. Your brother would be at the same school. Life as we planned is not happening and today is yet another reminder of a life changed forever...

At school this morning there will be a sea of smiles and yes, tears too. There will be the mothers that cry because they must let their little ones go for a short time while they learn at school. There will be the kids who cry because they do not want to let go of Mom's gentle presence. They will reconnect in a few short hours and all will be right with their part of the world again. This may be in fact the exact thing that I experience with your older brother.

My mind is stuck on a particular group today. I am imagining a group of mothers that were expecting their little miracles at the same time that I was expecting you sweet son. I am imagining their place at school today. I want to imagine yours too but I can't. I'm afraid of seeing those precious three year olds today and how it will really feel to not see you standing there with your blue bag waiting to fill the school year with new growth, lots of learning, fun, and new friends.

Jeremy, you GRADUATED LIFE with honors. Simply stated yet profoundly true. I will do my best to stay focused on that very thought this morning when the pain threatens to sweep me under.

These kinds of days just keep coming and I have not figured out how to stop the pain thus far. I learned to just face the pain no matter the force, what else can I do?

You may not be with me at school, but you are and always will be forever in my heart!

Love,
Mommy

Back to School 2010

It's here...I knew it was coming. I knew it would be crazy. How easily I forget just how busy life gets during the first week of school. It seems as if every minute is accounted for before the day even begins. I need to find that balance of getting things acomplished and also finding time for some peace in the day.

I always seem to forget what a big adjustment it is for our whole family when everyone heads back to school.

Here's hoping that this week I find that balance.

Teachers

A quote with Back to School in mind.

A teacher effects eternity. You never know where his/her influence stops.
-A sign outside a local school in our community

I think this quote applies to far more than teachers. Many of us underestimate the influence we have over people in and around our daily lives. Kindness matters. We each possess the ability to make a difference in the lives of others on a daily basis. Where can you spread a little sunshine today?

Summer Smiles at the Pool

I love summer.

I love the memories created at the pool.

I am sad to see them come to an end but will look forward to next season!

On a funny note, my kisses don't hurt. Really, they don't!

Endings and Beginnings

Summer is coming to a close and the school year is about to begin.

Keeping busy relishing in those last few days of summer and preparing all the while for school days to begin.

Crying and smiling

Excited and a little nervous

Holding on and letting go...

Does the month of September really begin tomorrow?

Pesto Chicken With Pasta

Last week I got together with some girlfriends for our monthly meal swap. We have called ourselves the Dinner Divas. Ha!

The weather last Monday night was unseasonably cool. It rained off and on but the host had a most lovely covered porch. We all enjoyed an evening on her porch with a refreshing and cool summer breeze, good conversation, yummy treats from a local favorite, and left at the end of the evening with five meals ready to feed our hungry families.

My meal this month was Pesto Chicken with Pasta. I love pesto. I love the versatility of the simple sauce. Pesto pairs well with chicken, fish, as a spread on pizza, and even sandwiches. I love the flavor of fresh home made basil.

Last week I got together with my Mother-In-Law to have a day in the kitchen with the kids. My daughter loves to cook and welcomes any opportunity to help out in the kitchen. She even wore her Chef hat for the occasion! We tackled several large batches of basil pesto and then set out for an adventure making arugula pesto. Arugula and I get along very well. I think I could eat it every day! I had heard that it could be used to make pesto and that was enough to make me want to give it a try.

As I started to search for recipes for the pesto sauces, I discovered that you can make pesto from a variety of ingredients, not just basil. I found recipes for pesto made with parsley and sunflower seeds, kale and walnuts, cilantro and pumpkin seeds, and cashews and arugula. Some of these variations sound rather interesting and I may try them in the future.

Any of the above mentioned varieties of pesto will work just fine for this simple supper. My recipe calls for grilled chicken. You can grill it up plain and then slice into thin slices. I leave my chicken plain for the kiddos and then lightly toss some in the pesto sauce for hubby and I. I like to use long noodles such a linguine or spaghetti but any shape of pasta will work. Again, I serve the chicken and pasta plain for the kids and for the adults, I coat the pasta and chicken with pesto. Add some fresh Parmesan cheese on the top and Yum!

You can find recipes for basil pesto all over. For this month's meal we used The Barefoot Contessa's recipe for basil pesto and Rachael Ray's recipe for Arugula Pesto. I added one secret ingredient for a signature touch to Rachael's recipe.

My freezer is filled with Chicken Teriyaki, Rotisserie Style Chicken, Asian Flank Steak, Spiced Pork Roast, and Ahn's Pork Chops. It's shaping up to be a delicious month!