December

Ahh... A new month.

I am working on my reflections of Jeremy's 3rd birthday. For now , I will share that it was as painful as I have remembered in years past. I was truly hoping that it wouldn't be for some reason this year, but it was. I am learning to accept that he was loved well so he is missed well too! Missed well equates to many tears...
I have learned to surrender to the pain this year. There was nothing that I could do to make it go away...I have lost so much energy fighting what just isn't mine to have anymore...he really is gone. The life that I had planned happened and is now just something different. There isn't a way to go about recreating what once was, it's bigger than that, and just not possible. People aren't replaceable. I really can't celebrate his birthday the way I want to, so I can either fight a losing battle or surrender. I surrendered.

Jeremy's birthday:
It was painful and filled with many tears.
It was a day filled with pain deeper than tears.
It was also beautiful.
It was a day filled with pure love.
It was a day to rejoice that Jeremy is happy, healthy, and perfect now in every way.
It was a day of remembrance for a child that truly changed some hearts in this world, most especially mine.

I will end tonight with thankfulness for the love, compassion, and also creativity in the ways that others chose to honor our son on his third birthday. Each and every single gesture of love was monumentally helpful in our ability to cope with the pain we faced on Jeremy's birthday.

Simply stated, to know that he was remembered meant the world to us. I can't tell you enough how big of a difference it made to our family to know that our son was remembered and that his life was celebrated in the many ways that our family, friends, and prayer warriors chose to share on his special day.

I am grateful beyond measure tonight.

I am still recovering from the emotional exhaustion that I have come to know that soon follows the more difficult days. It is taking a bit longer for the fog to lift this time.