Forty One

Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you...

As you know, Mother's Day is approaching in less than two weeks. I have been thinking a lot about last year and where I spent my first Mother's Day as Jeremy's Mom. I have reflected about the way I felt there in Jeremy's room, walking the halls of the hospital, and about the prayers in my heart that special day.

Sadly many other Moms will be spending Mother's Day this year at the hospital comforting their children instead of waking up to homemade cards, receiving the handpicked bouquets of flowers, opening the cards, special artwork, and other gifts from their children. All of these tokens and gestures of love are wonderful, treasured, and certainly appreciated by us all. However, the greatest "gift" of all is the privilege to be a mother. I pray that none of us will ever take that privilege for granted.

The moms at the hospital will most likely not be able to attend church, celebratory brunches, lunches, or dinners in their honor. These moms will spend the day comforting their children while they lay in a hospital bed or crib. Some of these Moms will cry tears of joy knowing they have been given the greatest gift of all. Many of these moms may also cry tears of sadness as they watch their child suffer through an illness or recover from a painful procedure or surgery. Some of these Moms may even cry tears of fear wondering if this greatest gift all will be taken from their loving arms. These moms will watch their children go though things that most of us could never imagine. They may also be separated from their other children and the rest of their families on Mother's Day. These mothers may sit and dream about happier times. One thing is for sure, all of them will have a heaviness and hurt in their hearts. All of them would wish to be anywhere but in that hospital with their children. All of them would want their children to be happy, healthy, and at home with their family.

As I think about how I will CHOOSE to celebrate Mother's Day this year, I remember that I have a choice this year, some mothers do not. Sadly, last year, I did not. It has been placed upon my heart to think of, remember, and love these mothers who will spend Mother's Day in the hospital. I will "Love them Like Jesus" and I will carry them to Him in prayer and by being his hands and feet here on earth.

Scroll to the bottom of this page to find the music box. Click on Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns. Close your eyes, listen to the words.

Just love her like Jesus,
Carry her to Him,
His yoke is easy, His burden is light,
You don't need all the answers to all of life's questions,
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus, Love her like Jesus

You're holding their hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you...

Forty One. It is my prayer that I can deliver forty one Mother's Day gifts to the hospital to bring a little sunshine to these mothers. I can't take this experience away from them. I can't take their pain away. I can and I will do my best to let them know that someone cares and is praying for them. I can make a difference in their hearts. There are 15 rooms at the house where we stayed while Jeremy was sick and 26 beds in the PICU. These are the mothers that I pray I can comfort in some small way. (not that the other mothers at the hospital aren't in need or deserving of comfort, but financially I cannot help every mother) Forty One gifts has become my goal.

I once again invite you to pray and to consider joining me in this effort. I am looking for items that would be of use and comfort. Some ideas would include toiletries, snacks, music, single servings of coffee or tea, lip gloss, make up, jewelry, inspirational items, books, magazines, lotions, nail polish, chocolate, adult sized blankets, movies, candy, snacks, etc. The possibilities are endless. I was even thinking how nice it would be to send along handwritten notes of prayers and encouragement. However, please keep in mind the usefulness of some items, such as candles, as they would not be allowed to use while in the hospital. I will either have forty one gifts to wrap and tie with yellow bows or I will have 41 gift bags full of random items to deliver. It is exciting to think about what could happen...Please feel free to donate whatever you feel led to give, there is nothing too small. Every little bit helps.

I was blessed to feel the love of Jesus and of so many others around me during the darkest moments of my life. I pray that I can share that love and hope with other mothers who need it most this year on Mother's Day.

If you know me, you are welcome to deliver items to my home or give them to me personally as I am out and about at school and various extra curricular activities. I would also welcome cash/check donations to purchase items for these mothers if you would prefer that instead of donating items. I am planning to make the delivery on May 9th.

If you are reading this and you do not live in my area, I encourage you to find a mom at a local hospital near where you live and bring a little sunshine to her heart this Mother's Day.

TOGETHER, we can make a difference in the lives of so many mothers who greatly need our support, love, and prayers this year. There is no gift to small... Be creative...

With a Most Grateful Heart,

The Ride Continues

I've been riding this crazy emotional roller coaster ride these last few weeks although it seems to pale in comparison to the ride we were on last year. There are times when I think I never really got off that ride from last year, at least not yet anyway. If that is the case then one of two things has happened: 1) We are getting used to the ride or 2) The pain is settling into us a little more now as time as gone by. I am not in that panicked mode of wondering what will happen to my sweet son, I know he is safe now. I worry about me and about my family. Although even having said that I still feel the Lord with me each and every day.



Here's a snapshot of my life over the last few weeks just in case you have missed me as much as I have missed blogging.


My computer is still broken. I miss it deeply. It's one of those things where you don't realize how much you needed something or loved something until it is gone. We have been working on a resolution to that problem without much success.

My husband has been working very late hours and there just isn't time to spend on the computer since I am in Mom mode all the time. Just when I think I have time to work on writing, check email, or check in on my favorite blogs, my husband needs our main computer to WORK. Work takes precedence I guess... I am thankful that my husband has a job and am trying to do what I can to support him during this crazy time of his life. We take each day as it comes and we do our best, that is all any of us can do. I miss him.


SPRING VACATION came to an end today. My three children have been home and we have made every attempt to have a good time while off from school. We were able to accomplish a lot of things, celebrate Easter, and go on some amazing adventures together. A good time was had by all and for that I am thankful. I really wanted the kids to have a good break from school. We desperately needed some time to be a family, to laugh, and to have some distractions from the painful reality that Jeremy is no longer here. We finished out the break by taking a short jaunt to the beach, a favorite destination in our house. A little sand and sunshine will do anyone some good!


So, to sum things up, I have been way busier than normal with all of the kids home from school and trying to make life fun for them. Then to top it off limited access to a computer. All the while, we have been painfully aware of this season in our life. Tough times to remember.



I'll be back later to share more...


Thanks for reading, thanks for your patience, and as always thank you for your prayers.

Easter Blessings

Mighty is the Power of the Cross

I am okay.

I have been absent for awhile for many reasons. My husband was away with friends for a few days and I was alone with the kids. The school schedule has changed for spring vacation. We are simply busier than normal with everyone home. We are facing tough times remembering all of the events that took place last year. My computer is broken. My husband has been working a lot of late hours. Life feels overwhelming right now. There isn't much down time.

All of the phone calls, messages, cards, e-mails, sunshine stuff, and prayers have been so encouraging. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts! As I said, I am feeling overwhelmed and simply unable to respond properly to each one. Please know how deeply we appreciate all of your support. We still greatly need your love, support, and prayers.

I was trying to find a link to a video that someone had sent to me last year. It was a video shown from Mary's perspective as Jesus was crucified on the cross. It was very moving. I could not find it. I remember how it made me feel last year. I am feeling frustrated that I cannot find it. I feel as though I could understand Mary's heart from a mother's perspective. I've been thinking of her a lot lately. Many others have sent along similiar messages to me as well.

Music has always spoken to my heart and so it is no surprise that I will share another meaningful song tonight. It is by Chris Tomlin and the title is Mighty Is the Power of the Cross.
I have pasted the lyrics below. I love the whole song but certain parts speak to me so powerfully. I have been listening to it a lot these last few days, especially now with Easter approaching. These are the parts of the song that have touched me so deeply:

What can heal a wounded soul?
What can fill the emptiness?

Where the Lamb laid down His life to lift us from the fall,
Mighty is the Power of the Cross

By your wounds we are healed.

You can read the rest of the song if you choose.

Mighty Is the Power of the Cross by Chris Tomlin

What can take a dying man and raise him up to life again?
What can heal a wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness?Brokenness

[Chorus:]Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is the power of the cross

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones
What can save and overcome?
Overcome

[Chorus]It's a miracle to me [2x]
And It's still a mystery [2x]
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
For those who believe
Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall

Mighty is .......Mighty is.......Mighty is the power of the cross
Thank You for the cross [2x]Love the cross [2x]So Powerful...... ohhhhh yeahhh
What can take a dying man?
And raise him up to life again?
Worship You Jesus
By your wounds we are healed
By your wounds we are saved
Mighty is the power of the cross [2x]Thank You Jesus for the Holy cross


Jesus gave his life for me. Jesus gave his life for you. He paid the ultimate price to free us from this broken world.

Jesus,
Thank you for the cross. By your wounds I will be healed.
Be near me Jesus.
Amen

Cocooning

I have learned a thing or two this past year. I can almost predict to a certain degree the way things will go and how I will feel as a result. As you know, we have entered the season of time when our precious son became critically ill and was hospitalized last year. That experience didn't end the way we had hoped, dreamed, and even certainly prayed it would. Memories...so vivid...so very painful.



Everyone handles grief differently. One way that I handle it is to "cocoon" as my friends so lovingly describe it. I shut down almost and allow myself to feel whatever is coming, in as healthy a way as possible.



Here's a little bit of what happens when I cocoon.



I anticipate the hard days sometimes emotionally dragging my feet. (As if I can stop them)

I prepare for them. I get sitters if I need them. I make extra food to have on hand so I don't have to cook. I make sure groceries are in the house, laundry is done, and any other necessary household chores are done. Then I brace myself for the pain.



When the time hits, it hits hard. I have other children and a husband that depend on me. I feel a need to carry on and do what needs to be done even when all I really want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Survival mode if you will. I feel like I am on auto pilot going through the motions of the day, eagerly awaiting it's end, so that I can go to bed. It is here that I must continue to work hard to give myself permission to not be on my "A" game. It is here where I let go and let God. It is here where so many of you have answered that call to be the hands and feet of Jesus. You listened to your heart to help someone, someone like me. Thank you. Thank you for everything. With the help of God we stand. By the grace of God and the mercy he has shown us, we get through the storm. With the help of each of you and the compassion that you have shown to me and to my family, we find strength to stand in this storm. The night finally draws in, I pray, and then I close my eyes hoping that the next day isn't so painful. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't.



Then it's over. Sometimes it is a hard day. Sometimes the painful times come in waves of a few days at a time or even several hard days within close proximity to one another. It is always the same. When they are over, I am exhausted. I again, go through the motions of the day doing only the priorities. I feel overwhelmed by the life that has gone by right in front of me. Papers from school have piled up and I have missed deadlines. I have phone calls to return. There is laundry piled sky high, dishes to clean, the house needs to be cleaned and/or straightened. My "to do" list is stacked. I must play catch up but I just don't have the energy I need to succeed. One day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time, I get through it.



It is a cycle. Sometimes I feel angry at the cycle. I know I must go through it, but it feels like I am wasting away time that I can't get back. I wish it weren't this way. The cycle sucks you in. Is it the enemy grabbing hold of me so tight? Is it just the normal course of grief that one must go through to heal? Is it a little of both?



I guess it is through this very cycle that I am growing, learning, and becoming this new person. It is here that that analogy to cocooning is so important. I suppose I am getting closer to becoming whomever I am destined to become if I follow the right path. I know I will be lead in the right direction if I keep my eyes fixed on the cross.

I must close for now. I am tired. I am catching up... I have lots more to write about April 1st. Stay tuned and know I haven't forgotten.

I Want to Grow

This Oxalis plant has lived in our home for two years now. We planted them ourselves as our daughter "bloomed" into being a four year old. We watched them both grow as time has gone by. The plant originally had about five to six shoots at any given time. Each day as I walk past my daughter's classroom, I admire the same type of plant in the window. One day I commented to her teacher how I had admired her plant and her green thumb. With a smile, she told me how to revive this plant and help it grow more fully. Little did I know it would be a much deeper and powerful lesson than originally planned.

My daughter's teacher told me to dig up the bulbs planted far beneath the soil and break them into pieces. I was instructed to replant all of the broken bulbs in the soil and then tend to them as usual. Water the plant and provide ample sunshine. I did just that. Then I waited. Nothing happened at first. In fact, I began to think that surely I had not done something correctly. I was just about to go back to the teacher, when low and behold, the shoots began to surface in the soil. It was amazing. Every day there were new shoots coming up and that has continued to be the case ever since. I enjoyed watching my plant growing more fully than ever before.

Then a few days later I really began to notice some similarities among myself and this plant. I know this may seem silly but indulge me friends, this is real stuff. Sometimes we really just need to open our eyes, there is much to learn all around us.

The photo above shows how the plant was literally bending toward the sunshine. I too find myself searching for that same sunshine every day as often as possible. I enjoy seeking God's glory and wonder in my life. I have never felt so sad in all of my life, yet it is here in this place , where I have found a deep and true relationship with my Savior. I feel his presence, his mercy, and his peace within the depths my soul. The pain is there too but my Lord comforts me in some amazing ways. It has been the worst year of my life and also the best. I have lost a child, a precious son. I have gained a real and true relationship with God. Typing this very sentence even feels strange, but it is true. I see life very differently now. I have a relationship with God unlike anything I have ever experienced in all of my life. It is amazing and I want to share it with anyone who will listen.

A difficult time was approaching. Traffic. We would be entering into the season of Jeremy's illness and death. Up until this time, we had remembered happy times as a family of six and then mourned his absence as we experienced those "firsts" without him. This season is different because now in addition to those happy memories, we will also have horrible memories too. We have images in our heads and hearts that no parent should ever know. They are haunting. This is where the enemy sits and waits as he tries to trap me here. He wants us to only experience pain and suffering. The enemy doesn't want me to believe in the truth that God is in control and that all of the events from last year have been part of God's plan all along. It isn't all about me. It's about God and using every circumstance to accomplish that plan. When it is my time to know the story and to be enlightened, I too will understand. Until then, I try my best to trust in him and his plan. So the plant was a visual reminder to me daily to rest in the light that only God could give. I was doing my best to prepare for the traffic I could see coming up ahead. I would say to myself "Stay in the light, fix your eyes to the cross, turn your eyes to Jesus, it is here that you will feel the peace that passes all understanding." It isn't always easy but I am not willing to allow the alternative solution to take root, not now, not ever.

I have survived the first day of this new season for the first time. I will share more about today at a later time. For those of you that do not know the significance of today's date, it is the very day that I carried my son into the E.R. expecting IV fluids and then to make a quick return home. Instead, it was the night that my son unexpectedly went into cardiac arrest, would miraculously be revived, but would begin a very long and painful journey in the PICU. What a ride we had... We wanted off so badly and to to be able to bring our baby home to his family to lead a happy and healthy life. God's will didn't match our will and our son began his eternal life with Jesus in the month of June.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized the lesson with the plant wasn't over.

The old plant was growing. It was green. It was alive. But...it wasn't reaching it's full potential. It wasn't bearing fruit, if you will.

I was alive. I was functioning well in life. I had achieved many successes. Things were good, at least to me. I was happy and satisfied. I believed in God and thought I had a relationship with him. God had a different plans for my life. His will doesn't always match our will. He wanted something more for me. So I too, like the plant, was broken to help me grow. I was broken to my core. BROKEN TO MY CORE. He spoke and I listened. I chose to replant my broken pieces, ALL of them, in the Lord. It didn't happen overnight but little by little, I am growing again and living a more full and richer life than I ever thought was possible. I'm not done, not even close, I still have a very long way to go, but none the less, I am growing. It isn't easy and it sure hurts but I trust in him to help me grow into the person that conforms to the plan that he has for me. He feeds my soul with everything that I will ever need. He is my water, soil, and sunshine that I need to grow. I will live to bear fruit that brings glory and honor to his name all the days of my life.

I will see my son again. Our family will be reunited for eternity. But for now, it is my purpose to live here. It is my purpose to grow and continue on the path that God has chosen for me. God is with me feeding my soul with his mercy, grace, and his peace every step of the way. The enemy is right beside me too, he wants me to wither. I WANT TO GROW!!!

We all face times in our lives when we feel broken. Broken into many pieces. Many circumstances can cause a human soul to feel broken. Death, a serious illness or injury, trauma, a loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, a disappointment, even just relinquishing the fact that we don't always get our way in life. These are just some to name a few. You can all surely relate. When trouble comes what will you do with the broken pieces? Will you give the broken pieces to God so he can rebuild a deeper and fuller life in you? The enemy wants you to wither. God wants you to live a full and rich life in him. I don't know about you, but as for me, I want to grow!!