I have learned a thing or two this past year. I can almost predict to a certain degree the way things will go and how I will feel as a result. As you know, we have entered the season of time when our precious son became critically ill and was hospitalized last year. That experience didn't end the way we had hoped, dreamed, and even certainly prayed it would. Memories...so vivid...so very painful.
Everyone handles grief differently. One way that I handle it is to "cocoon" as my friends so lovingly describe it. I shut down almost and allow myself to feel whatever is coming, in as healthy a way as possible.
Here's a little bit of what happens when I cocoon.
I anticipate the hard days sometimes emotionally dragging my feet. (As if I can stop them)
I prepare for them. I get sitters if I need them. I make extra food to have on hand so I don't have to cook. I make sure groceries are in the house, laundry is done, and any other necessary household chores are done. Then I brace myself for the pain.
When the time hits, it hits hard. I have other children and a husband that depend on me. I feel a need to carry on and do what needs to be done even when all I really want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Survival mode if you will. I feel like I am on auto pilot going through the motions of the day, eagerly awaiting it's end, so that I can go to bed. It is here that I must continue to work hard to give myself permission to not be on my "A" game. It is here where I let go and let God. It is here where so many of you have answered that call to be the hands and feet of Jesus. You listened to your heart to help someone, someone like me. Thank you. Thank you for everything. With the help of God we stand. By the grace of God and the mercy he has shown us, we get through the storm. With the help of each of you and the compassion that you have shown to me and to my family, we find strength to stand in this storm. The night finally draws in, I pray, and then I close my eyes hoping that the next day isn't so painful. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't.
Then it's over. Sometimes it is a hard day. Sometimes the painful times come in waves of a few days at a time or even several hard days within close proximity to one another. It is always the same. When they are over, I am exhausted. I again, go through the motions of the day doing only the priorities. I feel overwhelmed by the life that has gone by right in front of me. Papers from school have piled up and I have missed deadlines. I have phone calls to return. There is laundry piled sky high, dishes to clean, the house needs to be cleaned and/or straightened. My "to do" list is stacked. I must play catch up but I just don't have the energy I need to succeed. One day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time, I get through it.
It is a cycle. Sometimes I feel angry at the cycle. I know I must go through it, but it feels like I am wasting away time that I can't get back. I wish it weren't this way. The cycle sucks you in. Is it the enemy grabbing hold of me so tight? Is it just the normal course of grief that one must go through to heal? Is it a little of both?
I guess it is through this very cycle that I am growing, learning, and becoming this new person. It is here that that analogy to cocooning is so important. I suppose I am getting closer to becoming whomever I am destined to become if I follow the right path. I know I will be lead in the right direction if I keep my eyes fixed on the cross.
I must close for now. I am tired. I am catching up... I have lots more to write about April 1st. Stay tuned and know I haven't forgotten.
1 comment:
I apologize again for the lengthy comments!! God speaks to my heart so much through His word and those around me that I feel so driven to share. I pray that you may find as much joy and peace in these lessons as I do!
As I read your entry today, I could not help but envision the exact purpose of a cocoon. The caterpillar does just as you do, they prepare, they get ready, and then they wait. While the outside world rushes around, that tiny caterpillar simply stays still, surrounded AND protected by the walls of it's home. She waits and grows...GROWS...that's the whole idea! God designed that time of shelter away from the rest of the world so that chubby, fuzzy caterpillar could blossom into the beautiful butterfly, full of all it's glory! Just as God does not make the caterpillar change overnight, you also need time to blossom, grow, and be the beautiful creature that He has in mind.
I once read a story about a man who found a moth still in it's cocoon. He waited and watched for the day that tiny creature would emerge and spread his wings. The day came and he watched the little guy struggle to push his way out of the opening. He pushed and pushed but seemed held back by several tiny threads on the cocoon. In efforts to "help" the moth escape his "prison" the man snipped those last few threads and allowed the moth to emerge into the world. To his shock and surprise, over the next few days, he watched as the creature dragged his wings around, hanging limply behind him. Why was he not flying? What was wrong with him? Was he sick? After some research, the man learned that it is necessary for a moth or a butterfly to push through that small opening as those threads are designed to push the fluid through the wings and bring them to life. His "merciful" snip of the threads actually led to the demise of the moth, in essence hindering him, and eventually killing him, rather than helping him.
I learned so much from this simple story! We are just like that at times in our lives. We cocoon, as you are doing, and so often we truly do NEED it! Take heart that you are right where you need to be. Don't be discouraged in thinking that you are missing out on what God has for you right now. What He needs for you to do right now is to be still and wait. When the day comes to emerge from that cocoon, as much as He wants to, He can't cut those threads, no matter how painful or challenging it might be for us. We have to do it ourselves in order to grow and thrive in the way He desires for us too. Have no doubt about it, He may not help you out but He is your encourager, standing along side you all the way, telling you to keep pushing, striving for the goal that is His treasure for you!
On that note, I also wanted to share with you some things I learned during our Beth Moore bible stydy session last night. In the Esther study she presents various scenarios in which she gives examples of why it's tough being a woman and then explains how we can turn each of them around to overcome. One scenario just jumped off the page at me and screamed your name! Here is a little bit from that in reference to the point of "It's tough being a woman who feels responsible for the 'how'." Gee, don't YOU know what that is like!! Here is a summary of what she said...
"Often in life, things will come our way that we weren't expecting. Things that we never thought we could handle or overcome. Whether it be divorce, illness, or a death of a loved one, we just plain didn't want this detour in life. We struggle so much to understand how this could have happened. We want to know what we did wrong to bring something like this into our lives. Dear ones, it simply is not your fault. We live in this world and let's face it, sometimes it just plain stinks. But we need to take heart in this...if we focus our eyes on the cross and continue forward on His path, that "detour" will become the very highway to your destiny! We don't have to know how, we don't have to know why, the Lord knows."
She then read to us these verses that I will leave you with..
2 Peter 2:9
"The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgement."
Psalm 103:14
"For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
Be still, sweet child. Rest in Him, let Him guide you down the highway to your destiny, even when it seems an unwelcome detour. Let Him be your cocoon...He formed you, knows you, AND loves you! He WILL rescue you!!
In His embrace,
Julie
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