Angel Mail #4

Dear Jeremy,

Well what a year this has been. Jeremy, this time last year we embraced the dawn of 2008 with such high hopes of health and joy for you and our family. "2008 will be great" we chanted in our minds. At the time, it seemed that we had triumphed over the mountain and could rest and enjoy life in the valley.

We had no idea the climb that we would begin to make in April. There were mountains after mountains to climb. We would no sooner get to the bottom of one mountain and there would be another waiting for us. Many times, the next mountain appeared just as we started to descend down the side of another, well before even making it into the valley. Jeremy there were so many mountains and they were so steep. Many times, we thought you would be too tired and would be unable to keep climbing, but you did. You were amazing. We were all so proud of you. We thought this journey would end well and that we would always have this great story to tell you as you grew up. As you now know, we reached the summit of our last mountain early in June, but there was no way down again. We panicked. We soon came to realize there was no way out or back down the side of that mountain. We soon realized that we would no longer be together as a whole family here on earth ever again. Jesus himself came down from heaven to rescue you from this earth and the suffering that you came to know. For that I am grateful. Someone reminded me recently that once we get to heaven that we will not remember the hurt of this world. I rejoice for you and your renewed spirit with Jesus in heaven. I rejoice knowing that heaven is so wonderful that you do not remember the tough journey that was your life.

We were left standing on the top of that mountain. It's hard to leave that place, to walk back down without you. Jesus himself has promised to walk beside me the whole way but it still hurts with every foot hold. The mountain is steep coming down too. If I walk too fast, I slip and fall. The rocks slip out from under me. Sometimes I have to stand still or sit down to rest. I keep looking back to the top of the mountain, where my life seemed as perfect as it would ever be and it nearly rips my heart out time and time again. Recalling our hike up the many mountains with you also brings much pain to my heart. As I walk down, I keep my eyes and heartsong focused on being reunited all together someday in heaven. It hurts greatly to walk even with assistance from Jesus and those angels on earth he has placed in my path.

These last few days have been a time of rest down the mountain side. I am sitting still here in this place. I know that there is no way to climb back to my old life with you. I also know that I cannot sit here long, but Jeremy I am tired and I just can't bear to walk farther from you. Not now. I know time will pull me on as much as I drag my feet in the dirt. Life will still move on without you and I will continue to walk on without you in my arms. It has been six months now, yet it still feels more like a very bad dream. I still keep waiting for someone to wake me up and for you to be in my arms safe and sound. Instead all I see is what my life would have been like, all around me. I see you everywhere. Most of the time I still can't bear to watch. A baby still has a way of knocking the wind right out of me. Time hasn't healed me, it has just moved on and dragged me with it. It is cold here. It even snowed this morning. I guess you probably already know that. I feel cold inside too.

Having said all of that, I am ever so thankful for the gift of your life. I was honored to be a part of your life. I wouldn't trade this hurt or to have had the chance to know you for anything. It is an expression here on earth to say "It is far better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." I know there are still great lessons to be learned from this journey with you. I suppose as the hurt begins to subside, I will be able to see things in a different light and will understand and learn more.

I have pondered the verse of my calendar today. "In the beginning God..." Genesis 1:1
"There can be no better way to end the year than to reflect on the beginning of another..."

This year there are mixed emotions. No one could argue that 2008 has been the worst year of my life. In some ways I am happy to see it end. It is very windy at home today. Maybe the wind will blow away this hurt, sadness, and grief that has engulfed my soul these last few months.

In a way I am sadder today as the dawn of 2009 approaches. For you see, you will have no part of this new year to come. You will not have a part in our physical world of 2009. You will remain in my heart forever but the turning of a new calendar year without you here on earth is excruciating. It is a milestone in and of itself, a new year, new memories, and a time of leaving the old ones behind forever. Your physical presence will be left in 2008. Time will move on.

I used to embrace the new year. It was a time for a fresh start, resolutions, a chance to become better in certain aspects of your life. I know that it is a choice every day to choose "joy" over grief. I know that there will be sunshine again, but am I wrong for wanting more than anything to share it with you? It just isn't the same without you. I also know that I am not immune from more pain and suffering in this lifetime. Jeremy I am afraid of more mountains to climb. I am afraid. I have learned all too well the painful side of life.

I know what 2008 brought. 2009 could be better or it could be filled with the same hurt and despair that we have come to know. But...God created the heavens and the earth and filled them with every blessing I have come to know. Who am I to sit in disbelief that he will make good on his promise to me.

I will choose this year to feel the sunshine kiss my face. I will choose to let my heart open itself to the joy that awaits me. I will pray that Jesus continues to hold onto me all the way down this mountain side and that he will guide me into the valley where I can bring him the most glory. I will choose to be transparent for others to see the ways that he is working and molding me in this new life. A new life that he has chosen for me. I am excited to see what awaits me but sad to know that this new life will take shape without you.

I love you from the depths of my soul and I always will. I send all my love to you on angel's wings...

Mommy

Christmas Reflections

We have much to be thankful for this Christmas season. It was a year like no other. It has taken me awhile to be quiet enough and collect my thoughts. It has taken even longer to put those feelings into words

We had the difficult task of trying to celebrate the holidays in a fashion that would be best for five grieving people, who are all different . My husband and I put our focus on the kids and tried to make decisions based on their happiness. The real question was do we continue our regular traditions or do we make new ones. I can tell you neither are without pain. There is and always will be someone missing in our family. In the end, we decided to do a little of both, we found ourselves taking part in old traditions and then creating new ones too.

We found the strength at the last minute to get dressed and gathered with family on Christmas Eve . The kids were happy to see their cousins and seemed oblivious to any pain. It was painful for me to be gathered as a family again knowing all the while that Jeremy wouldn't be a part of these traditions. We would never have the joy of watching Jeremy take his place among all of the cousins. We usually have a gift exchange for the adults. Everyone brings one gift and we have fun swapping the gifts around and having a joyous time. This year, my mother in law got a stocking for Jeremy and our family filled it with donations from the wish list's of the PICU and the Children's House. It was a wonderful way to still incorporate Jeremy into this family tradition on Christmas Eve. It also honored those wonderful places that took such loving care of Jeremy and us. In addition, it was a gift that will keep giving. Many critically ill children and their families will be able to use these gifts.

It was late and we quieted down the excitement to put the kids to bed. A friend stopped by with an important delivery. Apparently, a few weeks ago she had noticed Jeremy's stocking hanging in it's place among the others on a stairway. (We don't have a fireplace) She took it upon herself to make sure the stocking would be filled just like the others. She came over and filled Jeremy's stocking with many surprises for us to open on Christmas Day. Later on Christmas Day we would discover many thoughtful cards, letters, and gifts made with love and filled with prayers for us all from our faithful Prayer Warriors. It was amazing!! There was such warmth in our hearts as we opened each gift knowing that so many of you have lifted us up in prayer and that Jeremy and our family were remembered. Thank you Prayer Warriors for your gift that touched our souls deeply. Thank you Amy for organizing this for us!

There were other gifts delivered anonymously this Christmas. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and compassion as well. It was so touching that so many people took the time out of their busy lives, especially during the holidays, to think of us! Each gift and message was truly appreciated and loved..

Christmas Day was focused on the kids again. It did feel good to see the joy in their eyes as they came down the stairs on Christmas morning. The youngest was particularly excited this year and really had fun opening each and every gift. It was magical for him! I haven't seen my kids this happy in a long time! We feasted on a wonderful and delicious breakfast casserole made by a friend and enjoyed much of the morning in our pajamas.

Later that night we did make it to dinner at the home of my parents. They surprised us with a star named for Jeremy. We will look forward to finding the star together on a clear night. After all, he is a shining star in our hearts and he always will be.


There were many moments that day which took my breath away, moments where my heart felt that empty pit of Jeremy's absence in our family. I tried to focus on the idea of him celebrating Christmas with Jesus in heaven, oh what a sight that must be! While this was a beautiful image in my mind, I still missed him greatly.

There was also grief, sadness, and hurt all around me this year. We had friends whose children spent Christmas in the hospital. A young mother went home to heaven. A friend of mine has lost her son this holiday season. It was a different kind of Christmas for sure. This year it was hard to get excited about gifts and the fluff of Christmas. I just wanted it to be over. I honestly can't wait to put all of the decorations away and go back to normal days.

I just miss my baby so much...

It's Over... recovering in my cocoon

Thanks for all of the concern over the last days. We survived Christmas but just like many of the other "milestone" days, I have discovered that it takes me a few days to recover. You know, one step forward, three steps back, deal etc. So here I rest in my little cocoon, doing all I can to survive and take care of my family. I am deeply sorry for not returning e-mails and phone calls. Cocoon life is just where I need to be right now when I am not taking care of munchkins. I have no intention of offending anyone or hurting anyone's feelings. Please try to understand. . . I do thank you all for your prayers, calls, encouraging e-mails, and checking in with us. I do soak them up and they do help, so please don't stop.

I am doing the best that I can today. It hurts in this place. It hurts when you look up and see lots of other happy families all around you and you just want that life back. It's like watching your old life from the outside of a window on a very cold and frigid night. It hurts when you look up and see other hurting folks around you. I hurt for my friends and family that hurt this holiday season. It hurts to know that you barely have the strength to hang on yourself much less to send a land line to someone else that you care about that is hurting. It hurts to just look up and not recognize your surroundings. Good thing God is navigating this ship. Problem is, I still have no idea where he is leading me, or why he chose to uproot me from my old life. God hasn't made himself appear for the security clearance conference that I have long desired, and there isn't one in sight. For now I remain in this pattern of trusting and having faith that all things will work out for the greater good. That being said, it doesn't mean this place is without hurt so deep it leaves you speechless. But... God, is with me I know for sure. Others may think that I have no peace, but it is there, resting quietly deep in my heart. It is just hard to see beneath this deep and overwhelming hurt. I know it is there. I just wish it would fill up faster. I hear the song, I just can't seem to dance yet. This is a hot topic but I close on that subject for now.

I have thoughts to share about Christmas itself in a later post. But here is a little sneak peek into our house this last week...

The kids have been off from school for the Christmas holidays and the routines and structure of our normal weeks has ceased for the time being too.

Two vomiting children, have given me more sleepless nights, piles of laundry, and more clinging hugs as well. You know it goes. One little person is also cutting two molars to top it off.

Three kids that aren't content until they have opened every last toy that was under the tree (all of which needed adult assembly, supervision, or wow factor)

One little guy that beams with joy that he now has access to brother and sisters stuff under the tree, not to mention all of the decorations that could easily be mistaken for balls to throw! There is even a green football wedged in the branches of my tree. I'll have to take a picture to show him when he is older. This little one is VERY busy and inquisitive. I do not mean to make this sound like I am complaining, I am not. In fact, I am thankful for every hair on his busy head. I am just sharing that he keeps me on my toes and leaves very little room for down time while he is awake. The slightest sound of the phone ringing just makes it worse.

A husband who went fishing overnight. . . and the list goes on and on. It's no different in our house than anyone else's. The only difference I guess is that I have no reserve to go on.

All of this adds up to just exhaustion...

Well I will close for now so that I can soak up some real sunshine with my kids outside. We truly don't get weather like this in December very often. I am happier when the rays of sunshine warm my face. It makes me want to move somewhere where it is warm all of the time. Something to think about...

Christmas Eve 2008

The Christmas holiday is here. We've done all we can to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and to make it the best we can for our other three children, all the while, trying to embrace the feelings that come over us and NOT to stuff them. After all, they will ALWAYS come back to bite us, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe even years from now. I'd rather deal with them now and not let them fester deep in my soul.


I am missing my sweet little baby more than words can say. My mind races back to last year and the memories of his first Christmas. I am thankful for those. I am thankful to have those happy memories. They were some of the best that I have ever had in my whole life, when we have been all together as a family of six!

This experience has whittled away all that isn't important in this world. I am thankful for that. Everyone fights that demon. This earthy world makes us think about those "things" far too much. I have my eyes focused on the really important things this Christmas. I have everything that I need and really don't need any package with a pretty bow this year. The "stuff" just doesn't seem important anymore. It has been an honor to give more than to receive. . .

What I want most can't be wrapped up in a box or bag. . . The next few items on my wish list aren't things either. They are "mindsets" that I will have to work hard to achieve myself. More on that later.

My husband and I have heavy hearts tonight for many reasons. Besides the grief that we carry, we are deeply saddened by other families that we know are hurting this Christmas. If anyone out there is reading this post, please pray with us. God already knows them by name and their situation. We have friends that are also grieving the loss of their child, families grieving the loss of a young mother, and friends that are apart from their children and families this Christmas because their child is a patient in the hospital. There are so many hurting hearts tonight for so many reasons. I pray that their hearts can feel some comfort and peace tonight. Peace on earth. . .

As I have commented before, I have found tremendous strength reading blogs of other Mommies who carry this same cross. There is this one mommy that speaks to my soul. These are her words and I must give her the credit. Emily shares this message and I have carried it around in my purse so that I can read it as often as I want or need to. I will close with a passage from her blog that ahas truly impacted me deeply. I find it to be powerfully written and amazing. I share it in hopes that it may help someone else too. Thank you Emily, check her out at ReallyLiving@blogspot.com. I have adapted it to fit our situation with Jeremy.

"Our pastor often says that we as Christians live in the safest and scariest place we could possibly live: the hand of God. Nothing can harm us here. No one and nothing can snatch us from the strong hand of our father. But our father fears nothing. He might choose to carry us through hell and high water. He might let us feel the heat of flames that would burn us alive. He might let us see things, through the cracks between his fingers, that we never wanted to see and that steal the very breath from our lungs just to recall, but he will never let us fall. We might find ourselves reading promises in his Word and wondering how they could possibly apply, when we do feel as if we have been forsaken. We do feel as if we have caught our heels on a terribly sharp stone. But the reality is that our God has never promised to protect this earthly body, this tent that temporarily houses our external souls. He didn't say we would never get sick. He didn't say we would have friends that would understand. He didn't say our marriages would be easy. He didn't say life wouldn't hurt. He didn't even say that our children would live.

He said we could trust him with all our hearts and that He would make the path toward home straight. He said He has hope and a future for us, but He didn't say that future would come tomorrow. He said He would give us beauty for ashes and turn our mourning into dancing, but He never said the transformation would happen overnight. Every step of the way, He said He would be with us. When we cannot see Him, when we cannot understand or even accept His ways, when we wonder if we have been forsaken, we can remember that He promised to never leave us. We are never alone. Nothing happens to us of which He is unaware. Every moment of every day, our Lord is fully aware of every joy and every pain in every corner of the world. We cannot begin to fathom His love for us."Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."John 14:1-3I will not let my heart be troubled. I will guard it as the wellspring of life that it is. Satan will not win this battle. He roams this earth like a thief in the night. He sees our vulnerable places and goes in for the attack. A person is never more broken than when they are in the throes of grief. I will yet strap on the armor of God. I will turn my ear toward My Shepherd's voice once more. I will choose to remember the beauty of this week last year. I will choose to be thankful for all that we were given and to trust Him with all that was taken away. Jeremy was always God's baby... as are his siblings... as are the children we have yet to meet... as are we. He will take care of us as surely as He cares for him tonight. Instead of growing bitter over what I missed, I will be grateful for all that I received, but was so unworthy of. Tonight, my sweet son rests in the room my Jesus went to prepare for him so long ago. I believe with all my heart that there is a place there for me, in his very room, that awaits. Until I can go where he is, until I can run my fingers over the wounds my Jesus bears as a symbol of the price He paid to give me the hope of a reunion with my Him and with my son and as a sweet retreat from this battle, I will keep standing back up. I will be still and know that it is the Mighty Warrior who is is fighting this battle for me, even now. I am weak. He is strong. And when I cannot walk, His grace will carry me."

Wow! That was beautiful. My friend Emily really can write, beautifully I might add. Her words comfort me and I wanted to share.

A New Holiday Tradition

It is a tradition that I thought our family would never have.


Yesterday, we went to the store to pick out artificial Christmas flowers.

We drove to the cemetery where we would decorate a grave, Jeremy's grave for Christmas.


There were a lot of other families there yesterday doing the very same thing. . .

Most of the graves in the section where Jeremy is buried were already decorated. I felt horrible getting there so late. I just didn't have the strength to go until yesterday.


I did feel better after it was done. I took florist foam and floral tape, but I wasn't successful using either of them so it will be interesting to see if the flowers actually stay for a period of time. Of course it was windy today so time will tell. . .


My two year old walked up with his hands in his pockets looked down at Jeremy's grave and said "Hi, Jeremy."


My daughter buckled to her knees in the mud and started to cry, talk to Jeremy, and pray.

My oldest was so concerned about me and watched every move so carefully.


All of the kids were eager to help decorate their brothers grave for Christmas. It was beautiful having all of us there together. I just wish with all my heart it didn't have to be this way.


My grandparents are buried right beside Jeremy so I was pleased to decorate their grave as well. My other family members have been helping me to tend to Jeremy's grave, so it felt good to help them out too for a change.


I never thought I would be this person, tending to the graves so meticulously. I used baby wipes to wipe away the mud from the headstones and scraped pine needles and other fallen leaves from the bases as well.


I am numb. I wanted to decorate our tree with his first Christmas ornaments and then the new ones from this year. I wanted to watch him enamored with the lights and ornaments on the tree. I wanted to see him not care about the presents and only play with the tissue paper, ribbons, bags, and bows. I wanted to fill his stocking. I guess I have all the memories from the other three and I assumed he would follow in their footsteps.


He followed the footsteps that really matter. Letting Jeremy go was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. He grabbed the hand of Jesus on April 1st and he followed those footsteps holding onto Jesus' hand to his eternal home in heaven on June 8th. Jeremy's life was a gift that keeps on giving. He has changed hearts in more ways than one but none more than mine.

I pray that I can hold on to the good he has done for me, my family, and for many others out there in the world this Christmas and let my heart be filled with that peace. I pray that my heart can embrace the true meaning of Christmas and not the commercial aspects.

A Grieving Family's Christmas Preparations

As always, preparing for Christmas has been a balancing act. We asked the children what they wanted to do this year for Christmas. I think my husband and I could just skip over the holiday all together. We thought it would be great to go somewhere warm where it didn't even look like Christmas. However, we do have three other children and they deserve a "Merry Christmas" probably more than ever this year. They have been through a lot and we are so sad that they have had to learn of this pain at such a young age. They put up with a lot on a daily basis, more than most kids. We try to keep our focus on the real meaning of Christmas and making the holidays special for our children despite the intense sadness in our home.

The problem is we have barely got back on our feet from the Thanksgiving holidays and Jeremy's First Birthday. Now we are working hard to prepare our hearts for Christmas. As always, there are painful memories attached. This time last year, Jeremy was in the hospital for the first time. He was born with a birth defect that we didn't know about and needed emergency surgery to repair it. We saw so much during that period of time at the hospital. At that time, it was the worst thing that we had ever experienced with any of our children. However, we were continually reassured that Jeremy would be fine. He would leave the hospital and go on to lead a "normal" life. (We all know that never happened. Jeremy's life was far from normal) He would eat normal foods, play like normal babies, and the experience at the hospital would be a fading memory. We were so thankful. There were other babies there that we met that never came home from the hospital, that had serious health concerns, and then even others that would have health concerns their whole life. We prayed for them. It broke my heart seeing what I saw. Jeremy was supposed to be fine. I was told that as he grew up, he would be unable to even see the scar on his stomach. I probably would, but I'm his mother. We brought him home just before Christmas and much to our surprise, he developed RSV and needed to go back to the emergency room. More fun. . . We were lucky to just get treated just in the ER this time. No ambulance ride. . . Then one of our other children developed RSV too and he needed lots of medical attention as well! Needless to say we stayed home for Christmas. It was quiet, but good, even with the sickness. I kept thinking things would keep looking up day after day and our family could finally begin to enjoy life with our new addition to the family. I even have pictures of all six of us in pajamas for most of the day. We were tired, worried, frustrated, but kept saying 2008 would be great!

Well. . . I'm not sure I can say that now. I had no idea what would rear it's ugly head just three months later. I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. I had no idea that I would have to say goodbye to my sweet baby at just six months old. My heart aches for him and the fact that he spent so much of his already short life, sick.

The holidays are here and I struggle to find the emotional stamina needed to stay focused. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could replay each moment one more time. I would cherish it so differently knowing what I know now. I know God collects each and every tear that falls from my eyes. After all, he sent his only son to this humble world to save us from our sins. His son suffered too. Jesus suffered and hung on the cross. He suffered so that we could be saved. In my shattered heart, I will praise and honor him for his true gift to the world. I will look for the images of Jeremy celebrating Christ's birth in heaven, Oh what a sight that must be.

The photos included above show a few of the Christmas decorations in our home. We found a frame in the shape of a sunshine. Our pastor at church reminded me one day that it is because of the light from the sun that we are able to see the moon and the moonlight on the horizon at night. It refreshed my soul and gave new meaning to my obsession with sunshines. It reminds me to let God's light shine through me, even through the midst of tragedy. He still loves me and Jeremy even though he allowed this happen. Someday I will know the whole truth and it will all be good. Read the comment section from the earlier post. One special reader reminded me that not only will I spend eternity with my son in heaven, I will NOT REMEMBER this pain when I get there. I WILL NOT REMEMBER this hurt and this pain that has engulfed my soul. That friends, comforts me like nothing else can.

The next photo shows a tree made for us by a local Girl Scout troop. Is that beautiful or what? Again, I can't tell you the peace it sends to my heart to look at it all lit up at night. Each one of the girls decorated an angel to hang on the tree and each one is absolutely beautiful. Of course they placed Jeremy, our angel, at the top of the tree. It reminds me that Jeremy is an angel. He is healed and at peace. He walks with Jesus and with all those that have gone on to heaven. I was so touched by the compassion showed to our family from these special children. They reminded us that we are still in the thoughts and prayers of many families in our community. It is comforting to know that so many families petition the Lord on our behalf.

I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the angel pictured in the third photo. It was made for our home. I had never seen an angel like this before and I had to have it. It has golden hair and the wings are yellow and blue. The angel is flying with a blue ribbon cascading all around him. I think this is one decoration that may stay up all year.

Our tree has been put up. It is not the department store tree by any means, but after all it was decorated with love. Our children decorated the tree with their ornaments and then we hung plenty of the blue bracelets on the branches as well. It was hard to get the ornament box down and find Jeremy's first Christmas ornaments. This was a time that was so very painful. We had to let the children follow through on something that they wanted to do, but it was so hard looking at Jeremy's ornaments. It was so awful not holding him in our arms and helping him to hang his ornaments on our tree. It still makes me cry even as I write this very sentence. I look at our stockings hanging, all six of them. It is just so many other experiences, if we hang it, it hurts to look at it and know that it will remain empty. If I don't hang it, it will be a visual reminder that there is someone missing from our family and that doesn't feel right either.

Lord, I pray that you send your peace to our hearts today as we continue to prepare our hearts and minds for the celebration of Christmas,the birth of your son, Christ Jesus. Let our hearts be open to your goodness and grace. Teach us and show us ways that we can be like "Jesus" to others that are hurting, lost, and in need of your love. Help us Lord, to be a beacon of your light, shining brightly for the world to see, even as we mourn the loss of Jeremy. Replace our horrible images of Jeremy suffering with images of him cradled in your arms. Help us Lord to feel the warmth of your love and the sun still shining down on me.

Lord, I also ask for your healing hands to be placed upon our friends at the hospital. Help heal those children and adults Lord and return them to their homes to be with their families this Christmas.

Amen.

Well there are just no words to describe where I am. I am too tired and too sad to try and describe my feelings. I thought sleep deprivation from a newborn was bad. I was wrong. Depression and exhaustion are a bad mix.

I continue to find comfort in text, so I read. Tonight I stumbled onto a passage that struck me. A friend gave me a book called A Broken Heart Still Beats by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel . (Yes, I still haven't figured out how to underline a title in the blog format. )

The passage reads, "True grief. . . was a secret that defied divulging. There was no way to know it unless it had been bestowed upon you, no way to pass it on once it had arrived."
That was powerful. Oh, how I long to be done with this stage of my life and get back to where I was. If only that were really possible, but of course it isn't today, and it never will be. Jeremy will never come back to this house, his home here on earth. I will never hold my son again. The pain is just indescribable. I would never think of passing this on. I hurt even more knowing some of the other parents that carry this same cross. My heart aches even more for the ones that I don't know. I wouldn't pass this on knowingly to ANYONE!!!!!!

It hurts knowing that this grief is here to stay. I will need to learn a way to cope with it's existence in my life, but it is nonetheless, here to stay. So day after day, this is what happens.
"You just do what you need to do. You wake up every day, and you summon up the energy from somewhere, even when you think you haven't got it, and you get through the day. And you do that day, after day, after day." Jesus carries me these days for sure.

The day after day stuff is hard enough. The added stress of another holiday, Christmas, is drowning me.

Jeremy's First Birthday

Warning: Pull up a chair and get comfortable. This is a long post.



In some ways I was no different than so many other parents. Most won't admit it but there is a certain level of exhaustion that comes after the party is over and the birthday party was a success. I am not a Martha Stewart type that can pull everything together and make it seem effortless. I'll admit it, it is usually stressful and a lot of work. All of the planning and all of the excitement are definitely worth it to see the smile on your child's face on their birthday.


Jeremy's birthday was a success and was everything that I wanted it to be except for the fact that I wanted for him to be here himself to see it all. Somewhere in my soul, I know that he was here and he did see it. I hope that I made him proud.

We went shopping as a family and purchased gifts for Jeremy. That was a big relief. We enjoyed picking out gifts that we would have purchased for him but we donated them to the PICU. It was so endearing to see the children really put so much effort into their gift selections. Our oldest picked out a few movies that he thought the kids would like, our middle child picked out a yellow, fuzzy, soft blanket with giraffes all over it, and our youngest contributed his favorite lullaby CD. I found myself replacing some of the comfort items that Jeremy loved so much. I was relieved to be able to still shop for him and know that these gifts would help someone else, another child. I know these gifts will not erase the experience at the PICU but at least they may provide a smile or comfort them in some small way.



We of course visited Jeremy's grave and I was proud to remember flowers this time. I even found sunflowers in November. It was raining and bitter cold. I was angry. I wanted to stand there or sit there and just have a peaceful moment with him. I laughed a little knowing that Jeremy probably wanted it this way. He wouldn't want me to be standing there crying over his grave. He taught me that we have only been promised this very moment in time and to make the best of it, no matter what. He doesn't want me to waste so much time being sad all the time.


The next day we had the amazing privilege of being able to hold a blood drive in his memory. My grateful heart is overflowing. This is my grateful heart list. I do not intentionally mean to leave anyone or anything out. Please forgive me if an oversight is made. If an oversight happens, it is only in this posting not in our hearts.



We are grateful for the location that was made available to us to use for the blood drive. I am grateful for each of the prayer warriors who are employed at this location. You did a true act of kindness offering your space and allowing us to infringe a little on your time and usual routine. We hope that your space was returned to it's rightful condition.


We are grateful for the individual who helped us get the ball rolling on this blood drive back in September, secured the date, and took care of the details so I could focus on the meal that I was planning in October.


I am grateful for the Red Cross. Without this organization, these types of events could not take place. I am grateful for the individuals that made the blood units and products available for Jeremy when he needed it most.


I am thankful for the coordinator at the Red Cross who made the whole planning process so easy. I'll gladly do it again.


I am thankful for the Red Cross employees who took such good care of our prayers warrior donors!

There were well over 54 prayer warriors, scheduled to donate this time and then many walk in donors as well. What a gift! We collected 44 units of blood at this drive. The Red Cross said that to date over 150 units of blood and many other units of platelets have been donated in Jeremy's honor and memory . Each unit can help up to as many as three individuals. Can you imagine the lives that have been touched by this compassion? Even better, these units of blood have been covered in prayer. The individuals who will receive these units have been prayed for. . . ahh, the power of prayer! I am so grateful and thankful for each and every donor!!

I am grateful for the 12 first time donors. I admire each of you for your strength and willingness to be brave. I pray that you discovered the true gift that you gave to someone, a complete stranger, and felt a power in your soul knowing that your compassion and generosity gave someone a second chance at life. May you each find the desire in your hearts to donate again sometime soon. I also pray that you may inspire someone else to donate blood as well.

I am grateful for everyone's patience the day of the blood drive. There was a shortage of staff and then the master computer crashed. The Red Cross needed to call in and verify each donor's eligibility which really started to slow things down. I am grateful for the delivery of the new computer.

I am grateful for the donors who came and tried their best to donate but were unable for various reasons. We are grateful for your willingness to try and give blood. Perhaps, another time. If not, there are so many other ways to help others. Please do not be discouraged.

I am grateful for the donors that donated elsewhere at other locations, dates, and times, in honor and memory of Jeremy.

I am grateful for the countless sitters that watched children so that their parents could attend the blood drive.

I am grateful for the individual who donated hours of her time to call each and every donor with a reminder call the weekend before the blood drive. You have such a giving heart.


I am grateful for my Bake Sale coordinator. You are the SWEETEST person I know! Thanks for your hard work to make this aspect of the event such a success. Thanks for sacrificing over 12 hours of your time and family time to be such a great friend to us.



I am grateful for each and every baker, young and old! Without your donations, the bake sale would not have been possible! In addition, I have so many recipes to request! I feel a cookbook fundraiser bubbling to the surface!

I am grateful for each person that came to the event to shop at the bake sale. We raised over $800 for Jeremy's Foundation because of your generosity!

I am grateful for the opportunity to support the PICU in their efforts to make a difference in the lives of critically ill children and their families. I am grateful to have the power to do something positive in Jeremy's memory.

I am grateful for my sunshine team that visited the PICU that evening to spread some cheer and share some sweets.


I am grateful for our PICU family. You are never far from our hearts and I love that you welcome us with hugs and smiles each time we visit. We admire your courage and willingness to care for sick children and their families. You have a tough job but oh so rewarding. You make a difference in the world. Do you even know the impact that you each leave on the hearts of each and every patient and their families???


I am grateful for the individual at the hospital who will take the time to help me find ways to have a positive impact on the lives of others. I am grateful for the opportunity to honor Jeremy's memory.

I am grateful for Jeremy's pediatrician. You say that I am amazing, well you are amazing as well. I am humbled that you took the time to attend the blood drive and offer your support. You have had our backs this whole time and yet you continue to extend your compassionate heart to us in our many hours of need. Your support means so much to us, still. We are thankful to have you in our lives.



I am grateful for Jeremy's surgeon. I was so happy to see you and feel honored that you thought enough of us and Jeremy to take the time to attend this event. You will have a special place in our hearts forever. You have a precious gift. It is an honor to know you and watch the miracles that you have a part of every single day!

I am grateful for the creative individual who made a wreath using the blue bracelets. It was such a meaningful decoration and we will cherish it always. We had purchased 1000 bracelets and they were delivered the Friday before Jeremy passed away. I have held onto them for months and was unable to throw them away. However, I had no idea what to do with them. I am grateful for the time, creativity, and effort that this person put into making this tribute to Jeremy.

I am grateful for the individual who purchased pizza for everyone the night of the blood drive. Your kindness and generosity was appreciated. Many hungry tummies were filled thanks to you. You also kept countless individuals from passing out.

I am thankful for each and every soul that helped volunteer at the blood drive. We could not have done this without your help and support. Thank you for sacrificing hours with your families and friends to help us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


I am grateful and humbled by the other PICU families that have been forever woven into our hearts. We may have walked those halls of the PICU together for a period of time but we are bound together for good. We thank you for supporting us and helping us out. We are eternally grateful for your support and love.



I am grateful for our family and dear friends that took such loving care of our other children throughout the day so we could devote our attention to the blood drive. We had no worries. . .



I am grateful for the generous donations of copies, babysitting hours, etc. You helped us give more to others who really need to feel love and compassion.

I am grateful for the prayer warriors that have continued to lift us up in prayer. Thank you for not letting us go, times are still tough and the pain is ever so great. Thank you for the many prayers said on behalf of a successful blood drive.



I am grateful to my husband for his unconditional love, support and patience. This journey is tough but we will reach our planned destination someday and our family will be reunited. I am grateful for our marriage and our ability to hold on, even when the waves of the storm would otherwise like to rip us apart.


I am grateful for my three children on this earth who still bring many smiles and joy to my heart every day. I am honored to be your mother. I promise to be grateful for each moment we can spend together as a family. We may be broken but we are still a family.


I am grateful for our extended family. Your unconditional love and understanding helps us continue to put one foot in front of the other, day after day. You haven't let us fall. . . Thank you for everything!


I am grateful for Jeremy. I am grateful for the happy memories and for your place in this family. Your life was a gift to so many, but especially to us, your family. I am grateful for the lessons that have been learned in so many aspects of life. I am grateful for the impact that you have and will continue to have on the lives of so many. You did it baby, you were a part of change in this world.


I am grateful for Jesus. I am grateful that you entrusted Jeremy to me, even if only for six short months. You have made everything in my life that is good, better and worthwhile and everything in my life that wasn't or isn't so good, bearable. You carry me when I cannot go on. NO matter where I am, you are by my side and you love me. I am thankful for what I have because of your presence in my life. I am thankful for the gift of my life and all the countless blessings that you have filled it with. I am grateful for your love and your promise to this world. Through this storm, while I still don't understand your ways, I will praise you.

Angel Mail #3

Dear Jeremy,

Six months have gone by since the day you left this earth to be with Jesus. I told you that day to run along sweet boy, grab ahold of Jesus' hand and never let go. I also told you not to look back and worry about us. We'll meet again and get to spend eternity together. I remember that moment so well. I realize now, that holding you as you left your earthy body to go to your forever home was a gift, a gift that not every parent of a critically injured or ill child gets to have. I am thankful that I was able to hold you one last time and feel your little hand squeeze mine. I cherish every single moment spent with you.

I still have no worries about you sweet boy. I know that you are perfect in every way now. God has healed you from all the things that we could not heal here on earth.

I feel you here with us all the time. If you see my cry, it's because I miss you so very much and the distance between you and I seems so inmeasurable. My human heart still aches and searches for you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. You taught so many people such valuable lessons. People are so kind to share with us all of the stories of how you have changed their lives. For that, we are grateful. I am so proud of you son. As time goes by I can see, more and more clearly, the purpose that God had for your life here on earth. I still can't help to wonder why and still wish that things had ended differently for you, but accept that God will explain it all to us someday. Patience is hard my child, it is so hard.

Love, will live on and never leave. You will be in my heart forever.

Love,
Mommy

450

Lots of ideas for this post have danced in my head for the last two days. Please bear with me as I give in a little to the exhaustion that has come as a result of an emotional two weeks. I just couldn't let another day go by without at least sharing a little of the details.

With all of your help, (drum roll please) we have now given 450 people a life changing gift! Wow!

The Red Cross estimated that there have been close to 150 units of blood donated in memory and honor of Jeremy. I think that's something to be proud of!

The bake sale was a huge success too! We raised almost $800.

The wreath pictured above was made by a very special friend. It was made using the famous blue bracelets and blue bows. It even has a special angel which you can't see too well from the photo, but it has Jeremy's birthstone in it. It is truly amazing don't you think? We love it and look forward to hanging it on our front door for all to see.

Lots more details and thankful thoughts to come. . . stay tuned.