I wish I could have seen this image as I looked through my camera lens today.

My lens looks much different today. It has for some time now. I wonder if I'll ever look at my children and not see this gapping hole where someone is missing from the photo.

This is the last time my children were ever photographed all together. It looks perfect. I am torturing myself looking at these photos from last year. I keep thinking something will pop out, a sign, something that I didn't see at the time, something, anything, that will make all of this make sense to me. All I see is a healthy and happy baby. All I see is a shattered family left behind to wonder why? I'm not doing so good tonight.

The events that began one year ago are much too painful to even put into words.

My fingers are struggling to type the scattered words that are coming from my shattered heart.

Thank goodness the lens of God is perfect. Through my tears I will fix my eyes on the cross. I will lay this hurt at his feet. I will ask him to carry me through this pain. I will pray for him to show me he is near. I will let him carry my son in his arms since I cannot.

Spinning

My head is spinning. If only I could get off of this ride and find that I am just dizzy from spinning around so much. If only my life were exactly the way it was one year ago before all of this mess started. I know that won't happen. I do trust that God knows best and there is real purpose in this pain and confusion. I pray that he helps me to know that he is near. I pray that I have the necessary strength to defeat the enemy's wishes for me. We have come so far on this journey. The calendar makes me want to look back but it is so painful to even allow my mind to consider thinking about the details that surround this very date in time last year. It is too much. The numbness has worn off and the loss has settled in. I am afraid that if I revisit the past, that this time, I will truly see and feel the horrible details and events from last year.

We have a birthday in our house. Last year this birthday was filled with such happiness and hope for many blessings in life. A birthday that ended and then the next day lives were changed forever. A birthday that is worthy of and deserves that same happiness and hope but is now also painfully close to a pivotal moment in our family's history. I pray that we can disconnect the two events and not associate this birthday with such horrific pain. This special someone deserves that. We want that more than anything...please pray. Pray that we may succeed in that desire and that this special someone can do the same for themselves as time goes on.

Please keep us in your prayers as we are getting closer and closer to the traffic. It doesn't look good from here...

Hind Sight

One year ago... Did you notice the sunlight shining on Jeremy and only Jeremy?

Hind sight really is 20/20. I had no idea that just five days later my world would turn upside down.

Please pray, the pain is so great right now. I am hurting so deeply that I cannot put into words the pain that I feel. I miss him, all of him. My family hurts and our hearts have an empty space.

I don't want to remember the pain involved with going through the traffic up ahead. I have no choice...

Traffic Up Ahead

Dear Prayer Warriors,

I write tonight to petition you for prayers. We are heading into some tough days ahead, traffic if you will. You may recall from an earlier post that this visual was shared with us by grieving parents who were brave enough to dive in and help newly bereaved parents as they begin this new journey in life called grief.

I am "cocooning" as some of my friends call it. I am breathing in and out. I am literally putting one foot in front of the other and I am doing all I can to make it through the day. Times are tough. Times are hard for our nuclear family and extended family as well. I will ask you to pray for peace to fill our hearts as we approach these tough days and traffic up ahead.

This time last year we began this very painful journey. We prayed and had faith that God's will would be done. It was. We still cling tight to our faith and the belief that Jeremy still received his miracle, it just wasn't the same one we had so desperately prayed for.

I look ahead and see this traffic jam . I want so badly just to drive in another direction but I can't. We have no choice but to keep driving and embrace the traffic jam. I envision a pretty painful time to get through. We have come a long way. I know we will get through this traffic jam together, but it won't be without pain and many tears...

Thank you.

With a Grateful Heart,

Talents

Just wanted to thank Danielle over at http://designgirlblogdesign.blogspot.com/
for all of her help designing my blog. This is definitely her talent and not mine!

As many of you know, I am still learning my way around in this Blog world. Danielle was super nice and easy to work with. I think she did a great job and was very time efficient. In addition, she was very sensitive to my requests and vision for my blog.

I love the new look. It is a daily dose of sunshine in and of itself!

Thanks Again Danielle!

The Lucky One

Another memory from this time last year. The first picture is a little stretch I know. I didn't get the chance on St. Patrick's Day to take some photos of Jeremy in his little green shamrock outfit so I took advantage of the moment one week later but you get the point. The second picture is of the four kids getting ready to eat this special dessert that my Mom brought home from NY. I can't remember now what it was called but it was yummy.


Jeremy,

I missed your presence at the table this morning as we ate green oatmeal and drank green milk. I missed not laying out a green outfit for you to wear today. I missed your smile.

You are the lucky one. You are in a marvelous place surrounded by all things glorious. You my sweet child, dance amongst the angels and snuggle up with Our Father in heaven. Those images do my heart good when times are tough.

We are lucky too. Your life was a gift. Our joys are greater, our love is deeper, and our life is fuller, all because of the moments shared with you sweet angel baby.

Love,
Mommy

.

How Did We Get Here?

Remembering happy times then remembering the pain of losing it all.

I strive to make each moment count. It's all we have. There's no promise for another... I want that moment to leave it's imprint on my heart forever. I want to remember that I did all I could to make that moment special and worth remembering. No regrets... no more...

Imprints on my Heart

I am thankful for the gift of Jeremy's life and for the happy times that we did have with him.

It's hard to believe that everything can change in a moment of time, without warning.
It really happens...

As deeply as I want to go back in time, I can't.

Dear God,

I know you have Jeremy safe in your care but I miss him so badly. I cry out to you to comfort me and my family in this time of sorrow. Help us Lord to pick up the pieces of our broken life and put them back together in a way that brings glory to your name. Help us see your vision of our lives. Guide to the path where we can find the sunshine again.

Amen

Darkness

Emilie Griffin writes " Darkness is one foot in front of another ... It is doing what comes to hand without feeling or seeing the grace by which it is to be done. Do you remember when we were children, how we could not feel ourselves growing? The change in us could not be sensed until someone else insisted we had become taller and measured us against himself. Darkness, then, is that growth that comes in silence and remaining still... The goal in darkness, is not to whimper about it, but to live it, while it lasts, as deeply as any other gift God gives us in experience. One day, without knowing how or why, something has lifted. The darkness has simply gone away..."

Darkness is my life now...

Will a darkness of this kind really just go away? Hmmm...

Am I growing...you bet! I am this whole new person and I am getting to know her a little more each day. I imagine it is hard to be my family and friends watching this process and wondering who I will be in the end when the darkness has gone away...if it goes away... is it a choice?

I can relate to putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to think too much.
I want to whimper about my darkness, it hurts. It is a goal to work on each day to accept this darkness and to embrace this life. My life is a gift, even without Jeremy. Jeremy's life was a gift. I am doing just that, living through my grief and embracing what it brings to my life every single day. I am allowing myself to feel this hurt and live through this grief. I am experiencing all that it is to the fullest extent. I am growing. God is molding and shaping me all along the way.

There is so much darkness around me lately. It's hard to see others in pain.

God, I pray to you tonight. You know this darkness in my life. In fact, you know all the darkness that we could ever experience here on earth. We can look to you, for you understand our hurt. I trust that even though I cannot see you, that you are there. You will lead me to the light again and out of this darkness. You have a purpose for my darkness and I humble myself to see that purpose. I know that you love me and that you will use this darkness to achieve something good. I trust in your purpose.

I pray for those around me Lord, especially those that are suffering through their own darkness. I ask you Lord to shine your light on them and make it known to them that you are indeed with them at all times.

I pray Lord, that we all may experience peace tonight, peace that comes from being in relationship with you, our Savior. Amen

Angel Mail #7

Dear Jeremy,

Nine months have gone by now. It seems so hard to believe. This month has been quite different than the others. I have spent each day remembering our life with you this time last year. This time last year we were so happy but trouble was coming. In fact, the infection was most likely in it's beginning stages. We had no idea what damage was going on inside of your little body. Jeremy did you know? Satan has a grip on me again trying to make me believe that I was too busy to see what was really happening or that maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention. I knew something wasn't right but I would have never thought anything like this would have happened. The doctors have all told me this isn't the case. I hope that the are telling me the truth and that they aren't trying to release me from a lifetime of guilt over something that cannot be changed.

I remember everything so vividly. I only wish I could watch it all replay as if it were a video. I wish I could step inside that video and experience every dimension. My heart aches to hold you and feel your sweet hugs. I long to smell your hair after a bath, I long to see you playing and splashing in the water, I miss you all together. I wish I could turn back time and change the ending of your story here on earth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since that fateful day when our lives changed forever. I couldn't see it coming and maybe it was better that way.

Oh if I had only known... If I had known it would turn out this way, I would have made different choices that last day that our life was normal. I would have held you in my arms all day and spent the entire day gazing into your eyes.

So many things have changed and yet so much remains exactly the way things were on June 8th. I know there is a very good reason why God chose to take you home to heaven. I know he has purpose in every circumstance. I continue to work towards fully accepting that I must trust in what is unknown and unseen.

My memories lead me to those happy places with you in our family. My mind wanders to what you would be like now at 15 months old. I guess it will be that way now as each day passes by.
You are a part of me forever and always.

I will always love you and I will never forget you and what impact you have made in my life.

All MY LOVE TO YOU ON ANGEL'S WINGS!

Mommy

Update

"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received."

Albert Einstein

I did not mean to post that quote. I wasn't finished adding my thoughts...Maybe it speaks for itself!

A Snowman for Jeremy

It may be cold and snowy outside but our hearts are warm because they are filled with lots of love for our sweet baby Jeremy.

I am amazed at the creative ways my children find to still use the blue bows and prayer bracelets. It helps them to visually make Jeremy a part of our everyday lives.