Mystery Prayer Warrior Delivers Huggable Sunshine

This was delivered on my doorstep last night. We were all so excited to see this Care Bear with a sunshine on it's belly. I wondered if someone has a connection with the snow plow driver? :)

Thank you whoever you are, wherever you are. Thank you for following your heart and delivering it last night. It was just what we needed. I promised to be truthful here. The good, the bad, and the ugly... I promised to be transparent.

We have been struggling these last few weeks. We are tired. We are weary. We want what we can't have... We miss our baby boy. Life hurts a lot lately. This load is heavy and the journey is long.

To come home and find this on our front porch was amazing! It made us smile, it uplifted our hurting hearts, and it felt good to hold "Sunny". This bear is so soft and cuddly! We have been talking as a family and reminding one another to always look for the sunshine in life. Even on the darkest and cloudiest days, the sun is still there and always shining. Sometimes you might have to look harder for it, but it is there!

So whoever you are, thank you for following the nudge in your heart. Your thoughtfulness made a huge difference in the hearts of my family and especially me!

Here's to a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day...

A Tribute to Jeremy

I am struggling. I am not ashamed to admit it. One year came and went and I am not better.

My life is not without pain. It hurts today just as much as ever.

One way I have learned to cope with this pain is to try my best to remain positive. Today I will share with you one way we worked as a family to cope with the pain on Jeremy's Angel Day, June 8th.

June 8th came and as of that morning, we still had not come to a decision about how to spend the day. It was exponentionally painful. As I mentioned, I think we truly spent a lot of time in avoidance hoping that we could somehow escape the inevitable pain that would come on that day.

That morning, we decided to plant a sunflower garden to honor Jeremy's memory. We have a place for the symbol of the sunshine ever since Jeremy became sick. I have not done a good job of connecting the dots for new readers to this blog. Another time... The short story is that truly from the very beginning of this journey we CHOSE to think positive, to follow the sun, and to follow the SON. We tried and continue to work hard to trust (as hard as it is sometimes) in His ways and not ours. Sunflowers turn and follow the sun. They are a reminder from God. Sunflowers are beautiful and remind us that we should always turn and look to God in every circumstance in our lives. Psalms 34:5 says Those who look to him are radiant. I work hard each day knowing that He will lead me on the path that he has chosen for me. I am on a path of learning to fully trust that the bitter pain of losing my son will indeed turn into something sweet and full of joy again. James 1:2-4 says Dear Brothers and Sisters, whenever troble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.

Reflecting back to last summer, these comforted me greatly. I would even drive out of my way just to see them on a regular basis. I don't know the people who planted them. In fact I may have even spooked them by driving past their home so often. I would even stop my car if no one was behind me just so I could look at them longer.

Planting a sunflower garden of our own to pay tribute to Jeremy's life seemed like a logical thing to do. A simple tribute. A positive use of our anger. A source of reflection to grow and look toward the Son.

It felt good to do some physical work and to use our anger to dig in the rocky soil in our backyard. We chose a perfect spot in the very back of our yard. We chose that spot because God willing, when the sunflowers grow, we should be able to see them from the yard and from our kitchen table as well. Each of us planted some seeds and used that moment to remember Jeremy and the impact he has made in our lives.

Many Prayer Warriors have given us sunflower seeds over the last year so we had quite a large amount of seeds to plant. We had also received actual sunflower plants that day as gifts. We chose to leave some of the plants in their containers on our front porch and then chose to plant the others in our garden.

When the day was done, we were pleased with our garden. We were thankful for all of the help we received to accomplish this task on such a painful day. We had help digging and tilling the soil. We had help purchasing a fence to protect our newly established garden. We had help purchasing special soil and fertilizer to ensure the seeds would in fact flourish. We even had help planting the seeds. The seeds themselves were even special as we had received them as gifts during this last year.

We prayed over the garden and filled our hearts with hope that it would grow.

So now we water, we hope, and we will wait and see what becomes of this garden. At the same time , I will reflect on Hebrews 4 :16 Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. I will pray and ask the Lord to fill our souls with all the nourishment that we need, we will continue to hope for good things to come, and we will wait and see what is to become of our family. We will endure this test of faith and allow our endurance to grow so that will be ready for the purpose that God has in mind for us all.

Father's Day Thoughts

It is Father's Day. I arranged for my husband to play golf with his Dad and his brother today. The weather today is beautiful. The skies are blue, there is soft, gentle breeze blowing, the temperature is perfect, and the birds are even singing. What a day! Yesterday, it rained cats and dogs and I have never seen so much mud in all of my life. Here's hoping that my husband enjoys the day!

When I told the children what we were planning for Daddy they asked if they too could go and play golf. I explained that maybe another time but definitely when they were a little older. That's when it hit me. My husband and his three boys would have made the perfect foursome. My husband will never play a Father's Day round of golf with all of his sons at the same time. His foursome on the golf course (with all of his sons) will have to wait until we are all united once again in heaven.

The triggers are still very present in our lives, even now, a whole year later. It takes such work to focus on what I do have and not on what I do not have. It is not easy to constantly be aware of your thoughts and to be willing to allow for changes in thought patterns. In fact it is exhausting.

We had a keychain made for my husband as a gift. It has all of the children's names hand stamped on it. Even though Jeremy is not here in our world in a physical sense, he is just as much a part of our hearts as our other children. Seeing his name on the keychain with the others, makes me feel even more like he SHOULD be here. It hurts.

I miss Jeremy's presence in our lives today as much as ever. Today is a gift. All of our children are a gift. We will praise the one who blessed us with our children here on earth and those that He holds in heaven for us until our family is united again someday. We will carry them all in our hearts today and always. Today I will eat from the bowl of "clean soup" and know that this life indeed is good and just what God intended for me. I will celebrate life and the gift of fatherhood with my husband, my Dad, and my husband's Dad. We will honor all of the special Dad's in our lives. I will do my best to continue to walk close with my Lord and ask for His mercy and His grace to help me understand and trust in His ways. I will try again to relinquish the control over my own life and to ask for his guidance in where he wants me to walk.

Today I will take a moment to pray. I give praise and thanks to God for all the beautiful children all around me in our lives and their Dads. I pray that all Dads recognize the gift of fatherhood and treasure it. I pray that Dads take a moment from their celebrating to truly give thanks for their children and to recognize the role that they have been called to in this life. But, not all fathers will be celebrating, in fact, many may be hurting today. Some fathers may be celebrating but also carrying a hurt in their soul that we do not know or cannot see. This walk in the world of grief has opened my eyes to the hurting souls all around me, I see the world so differently now. I will pray for the men who wish from their hearts and souls and are praying to become fathers. I will pray for the fathers that have also lost children and are feeling this hurt called grief. I will pray for the grandfathers of grieving parents. These men would love to take the horrible pain from their children, and cannot. I will pray for the fathers who are holding the hand of a very sick or injured child. I will be praying for the fathers of children who are in the process of recovering from or possibly maintaining care for children who are suffering from a severe illness, injury, birth defect, disease, disability, etc. I pray that Lord strengthens them and sustains them as they care for and nurture their children. I will pray for the fathers who are without a job. I will pray for the fathers who have a child serving in the military and are possibly deployed. I will be praying for families who may have a very sick or injured father in their family today. I will pray for families that have lost a father and do not have that special person to honor today. I will pray for the fatherless children. I will pray that each soul that I have mentioned and for those that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me, can find comfort and peace in the cross today. I will pray that God comforts them all with his presence in their hearts. Amen.

The Last First

Here I am...two days past the date of the very last "first" without Jeremy. Jeremy's funeral was held on June 14th last year. His funeral was held on a Saturday and this year, it fell on a Sunday. We went to church. We went to the very place where Jeremy's funeral was held. It was horrifically painful to sit there at services on Sunday. All I could think about or even see in my mind was Jeremy's funeral. Some may think it is odd, but I have cried many nights over the fact that I don't have any photographs of Jeremy's funeral. Some images will be forever etched in my heart and in my mind, yet there are so many others that I cannot remember. I do not get opportunities to create any more memories with Jeremy. I want to remember every last detail of Jeremy's life. As it was, I don't think I comprehended a word of what was said in church... Some may ask "Why do you bring yourself to the place of such pain?" The answer is simple, while it hurts me to my very core, I would not have it any other way. I wanted to remember... I wanted to honor my son and what he taught me.

It is monumental in the lives of grieving folks to survive the first year without your loved one. I am done. I wish I could say with all certainty that the most painful times of my life are behind me now, but we all know that none of us have that certainty. While it feels like I should have some sense of accomplishment, I don't. I miss him more. I still hurt. I have wondered if others expect me over this to be over this grief journey. I won't ever be "over" Jeremy. I will learn to cope, but I will never be over him. I want to be without this pain and it is still here, strong as ever. It feels like Jeremy has been on a very long trip and now I really want him to come home now. He isn't coming home to our home to live with us here on earth. It is a painful reality to wake up to every day...

It is without question, that our Lord Jesus has carried us to this moment in time. I could not have arrived at this place without him in my life. He has blessed me with so much. I have continued to feel the presence of many family and friends, day in, and day out. And so here I am. I still don't know where I am going, but I am still along for the ride. I am ready and willing to accept the plans the Lord has for my life. I am still "Finding Sunshine"...

I am still learning to give Him this hurt COMPLETELY to Him and trust that He can and will turn this bitter into sweet. God has promised to rescue me from this pain and he has promised to lead me to a place of peace with Him. All I need to do is to take off my shoes.

God keeps showing me signs and inviting me to this place of peace that resides in Him. He is faithful...loving... and keeps His promises. In case you are wondering, I suppose I still have my shoes on. I am still having a hard time letting my heart and my spirit reside as one. My heart misses my son more than words can say and my spirit and soul long to believe that "sweet" is still coming.

Dear Jesus,

Cover me with your love, mercy, and grace. Thank you for being a patient teacher. Thank you for covering my sin. Thank you for each and every blessing in my life. Thank you for Jeremy. I KNOW he is alive and well with you in heaven.

I ask you to help me Lord see and understand that this hurt, this bitter part of my life, will be turned to sweet. Help align my heart to your will for me and my life. Help me to to see your ways and not my own.

Amen

Amen

Jeremy's Angel Day

Avoidance

Sadness

PVD (Post Vacation Depression)

Adjusting to our new summer routine. All three kids are home, ALL day. We have been crazy busy and I am crazy tired at the end of the day.

Daddy working longer hours to make up for lost time during vacation


All reasons why my blog has not been updated in almost week. The post that is working within my soul about Jeremy's Angel Day will take a major energy source that I presently do not have access to. I am dragging my feet to reflect upon it. Perhaps I am still in the process of reflecting upon it emotionally before I can write about it. Perhaps I am still in denial. If I don't write it, it didn't happen, and if it didn't happen, maybe I'll see my fourth child running around just like the rest of them. I know, this is not true.

I will write. Not yet... But I can see that many of you are wondering how we are doing and how things went on Monday.

I did add some songs to my playlist, enjoy.

Todd and Angie Smith lost their daughter Audrey Caroline in April of 2008 and wrote the song I Will Carry You in her memory. It is beautiful. Get your tissues ready before you listen, trust me.

Paul Cardall is an amazing composer. After listening, I'm sure you will agree. Paul is on the heart transplant list and has been for some time now. He has a blog and a website too. His music has brought such peace to my soul. As my friend L says, " I have some serious STATIC in my life right now." Paul's music centers me and quiets my soul during the static moments, who I am kidding, days... Many of us suffer from static daily. Do you? I hope you enjoy his music on static days and on peaceful days too. Check out his blog and if you wouldn't mind, start praying for him.

I also added ... You Are My Sunshine. Until recently, I haven't been able to listen to that song. Well I am listening no, crying as I listen, but listening. Jeremy, You will always be my sunshine...

Final Days

These are the last pictures that I took of Jeremy. These were taken on June 1st. Little did I know it would be the last time that I could gaze into those beautiful hazel eyes. On this particular day, Jeremy was sprinting off the ventilator. He was doing so well. This test had proved that his lungs could recover if they could get his heart to work properly. He struggled to breathe and that was so hard to watch. He hated that Bipap machine and he was so mad! It hurt me to watch him and to see him not be able to settle or calm down. That being said, it was also a beautiful day watching him seem to pass through another "hole of cheese". One of his doctors has described Jeremy's chances of survival like cutting up a block of swiss cheese and then lining them all back up again. Jeremy needed to pass through many holes of cheese on his journey at the hospital. He never seemed to be able to do things in the time frame that they wanted him to, he had his own time. He eventually would make each goal that was set for him but just in his own good time. Better yet, he was on God's time.

Sadly, I did not ever let myself let go of the hope that we would make it out of that hospital with our son in our arms. I never expected to get the tragic news just a few days later that he would suffer a brain bleed that was significant and would not recover from. I knew the day before that he was not right. I could not put my finger on it but I knew in my heart that something was very wrong and I remember not wanting to leave him that night. The doctors could not find anything obvious and we all settled into the thought that he had worn himself out working so hard to breathe without the assistance of the ventilator. The next morning would prove otherwise... I guess in our terms, he ran out of time. In God's time, he completed his work here, and it was time for him to go to his forever home to live eternally with Jesus.

The day these pictures were taken I also remember feeling so encouraged, like we were really going to make it. We had come so far and we were almost there...Another one of Jeremy's doctors was also running a marathon that day. She was out of state and yet we talked and shared success stories. Jeremy was rooting for her and she was rooting for him. They really had a connection and a relationship that was beautiful to witness. I wonder sometimes if he visits her and if she can still feel his heartstrings. Knowing her, she carries Jeremy and so many other children in her heart each and every day of her life.

As hard as it is to believe, we are running through the final stretches of the first year without our son, Jeremy. Some moments have been so painful and seemed to last for an eternity and yet a whole year has almost passed and it feels like his death was yesterday. Foolishly, my heart wants to believe that if I just go back to the hospital, he will be right there, right where I left him. That's just the way it feels. He left this earth and flew straight into the arms of Jesus. He left me here... I left him, at least his earthly body, at the hospital. I will never forget that moment when we walked onto the elevator for the last time. We would leave the hospital without our son for good.

My heart remembers and I am so sad today... I once again find myself dragging my feet wishing that I didn't have to face the pain that Monday will bring. If I have learned anything, I have learned that Monday will come and I will endure the pain. There will be footprints in the sand to prove that the Lord will carry me through that day too. He did promise to NEVER leave my side and he hasn't.