Ready for Summer...

I am ready for summer. I am ready to relax and let the crazy routines slide for awhile. I've got my summer reading list started and bookmarks ready to save my place while I take a dip in the pool or dig my toes in the sand as the waves crash on the shore.

Please share any of your favorite books so that I can add them to my list!

Oh and by the way, that sweet bookmark is homemade! Check out the new WINK link on Shutterfly and you can make your own photo strip for FREE! It even ships for free. When it arrives, back it on some scrapbook paper of your choice and take it to the nearest place that offers lamination services and your bookmark will be safe at the beach, poolside, and tubside too.

Mistake

Not a good idea to time travel into the past...at least not into painful places.

I made the mistake of opening our Caring Bridge site. ( I know, I know) It was innocent at first. I had attempted to check in on someone else we have been following and praying for. I typed a letter "J", and Jeremy's name popped up in the window. His name stared me in the face for seconds but it felt like time stood still. I couldn't resist the temptation. I wondered what exactly was happening TWO years ago...what were we facing?????

Click went the mouse of the computer and then... well, let's not recount what happened next and just suffice to say it was a GARGANTUAN mistake!!!!!

I still cannot fully accept what has happened to Jeremy and to our lives. It feels like a horror movie. I want with every fiber of my soul to wake up and see that it was JUST a dream and that it didn't really happen.

Instead, I must face each day knowing that sadly it did happen, it is real, and I must find a way each and every day to cope without my child here on this earth.

Sorry. Real and raw emotion today.

Dear God,

Be near today. I ask you for your mercy and grace. Jeremy's death is heavy and I am weak and oh so very tired. Help me Lord, for I feel lost to the world. This is beyond what any human heart can comprehend. Help me Lord to relinquish the desire to understand Jeremy's journey to you Lord. I want so much to surrender it ALL to you... I wish to be at peace and confident that I may never understand on this side. My eyes cannot see what you see Lord. You are good, all knowing and all loving. You took Jeremy out of darkness and into the light of a life lived eternal with You. You are bigger than this hurt and pain. Cover up this world Lord. Cover up everything I know. Cover my heart and my soul. Cover me Lord with Your Love and Grace. Jeremy is not missing, he is only absent from this world. Cover my thoughts and take these painful images of Jeremy suffering and replace them with his life healed and perfect in every way. Cover my heart with all things of You Lord. Cover up this hurt and pain. I am seeking Your face and Your peace. Amen.

Letting Go

Letting Go
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

Sad but true...I do not know where this poem came from. I found it and posted it here on my blog awhile ago knowing that I would come back to it at a later date. I am not the author.

I am learning...it may be slow and I may be kicking and screaming all the way there but at least I am learning. I cannot adjust EVERYTHING in my life to my desires but I am called to cherish myself in it and many other things too.

Folks, this is why I wear the words "Let Go" around my neck each day. It is a big lesson and a daily journey for me. I have lots of work left to do to fully understand and accept my ability to Let GO...

My Little Man

It's raining and the temperature is cool. Being wrapped up in a warm blanket and watching a movie is the best place to be on days like today. Except...at one point in my life I would have expected TWO little boys to be snuggled up to me. (BIG kids are at school) I am grateful for the blessing of the one that is curled up next to me. I am grateful for the one that is snuggled up to our Heavenly Father. But...after all a Mama's heart does ache for the absent opportunity to snuggle them both in my arms.

I attempted to get a distraction today so I went to the library. I checked out a CD of music for the kids. I stumbled upon this song. I've never heard of it before but the lyrics seem as though they were written for me about my little Jeremy.

My Little Man by Kirk Whalum and Rev. Bill Lawson

They told me you'd only stay awhile
But never will I forget your smile
I hold you
You'll always be my child
You're a part of me

The moments were few but oh so sweet
They warm me and make me feel complete
To know that we again someday will meet
You're a part of me

But I can't be unhappy
Abba made me see
I'll never be the same
Since you were here with me

Unspoken
But near and oh so real
The feelings are sometimes hard to feel
I love you
I know someday I'll heal
You're a part of me
You're a part of me

I think I'll give in to the grief for a little while today...

We Will Remember Them

A few weeks back I attended a memorial service for children who had passed away as patients at the hospital. It was a time to pause and to remember them. The evening included the reading of a beautiful familiar poem titled We Will Remember Them.

We Remember Them

We remember with sorrow those whom death has taken from our midst
during the past year...taking these dear ones into our hearts
with all of our beloved, we recall them now with reverence.


In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We will remember them.

In the opening buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We will remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We will remember them.

When we are lost and are sick of heart,
We remember them.

When we have Joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us,
As we remember them.

- Hebrew Union Prayer Book

It is a beautiful poem. Last year I found a small card with the poem printed on it and I now carry that in my wallet. I recently stumbled upon a website that elaborated on the poem a bit and thought the words were comforting.

http://www.winterspring.org/wall.shtml

It is true, Jeremy is a part of me forever. It is still difficult to balance the varying emotions accompanied with his absence. I guess that is what to be expected for this particular time of year.

Next Up on My Reading List

I am currently in the midst of reading four books at the same time, which is highly unusual for me. However, none of them are novels containing stories to get lost within. I am reading one book, a compilation of many columns that were once published in a newspaper. They had so many requests for reprints that they decided to put them all together into a book. I am also reading three heavier books on topics that most people would rather pass by at the library.

Well this book is next up on my list when I am done reading what is in my lap.

PlanB Promo from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

Well it would surely seem as though I am living in Plan B, still not fully recognizing Plan B as MY life, and therefore, still fighting to accept Plan B. Maybe this book will help. I'll keep you posted.

104

I know many are eager to hear the outcome of The Mother's Day project. One hundred and four gift bags were delivered to the hospital yesterday!

The first photo above shows what just one of the bags looked like. I am sad that I didn't get better pictures. I feel like after seeing the whole process from start to finish, that they were more beautiful than the way the photo captured them. At least you can see the bag and the way the project came together. I truly wish that each of you could have had the opportunity to see the project from the view that I was blessed to see. To see the donations coming in, to see how there were NO repetitions in the gifts donated (which is amazing in and of itself if you really think about it), the way the room looked as the process started by getting items unwrapped and organized, the actual stuffing of the bags, and then finally the delivery. It was one of the best Mother's Day gifts for me to witness such generosity and compassion in the hearts of so many!

The other photo shows what the back of my loaded vehicle looked like. There more other bags on the middle row of seats and on the floors too! The bags were stuffed! My vehicle was stuffed!

We were informed by the hospital staff that the bags would be given out first thing this morning. I pray that each mother who will receive a bag will feel blessed by the love and compassion that filled each bag to the brim (literally).

I will share more about the experience of delivering the bags later.

Mostly, I am grateful for the generous support and prayers of so very many people. Without each and every one of the donations, all of the help getting the items organized, bags stuffed, and delivered, this tremendous success would not be possible. I am also grateful for the help of the kind folks at the hospital who helped me gather information that was needed so that we could get these bags into the hands of the mothers who would spend Mother's Day with their sick children. I know that I for one, feel honored and so very privileged to be even a small part of this AMAZING experience. To say that I am grateful is an understatement.

I pray that each and every one of you know in the depths of your heart that these bags were greatly appreciated and ever so much a blessing today to the moms who received them. I also pray that each of us, including me, can fully know the depths of our own blessings today. I pray that for those of us that are hurting today, that we can rest in that joy found in our blessings and also find peace amidst the pain.

With a Most Grateful Heart,

Who Knew?

Join me and my little guy as we share a little of our day with you. Hope you enjoy the pictures!

Who knew that after several years of patiently waiting for this group of lilac trees to bloom, that I would be greeted by the very FIRST blossom of the year early this morning. A gift. I could hardly contain my excitement and ran down for a quick indulgence in the lovely scent of it's blossoming flowers.





Who knew the pair of sunglasses in the FREE Bin at a local Yard Sale would come in handy today?



Who knew the silly boy wearing those new sunglasses and I would have so much fun blowing bubbles?


Who knew the weather would be so nice today and give us time to pause to enjoy the wonder of spring in it's full glory?


Who knew I would have the opportunity to sit and enjoy the fruits of my labor gardening? Who knew that YELLOW Lantana, one of my most favorite plants, would be available for purchase at the school plant sale yesterday? Who knew a kind neighbor would turn out to be so very helpful in digging up stubborn roots to shrub bushes last night? Who knew it might look so beautiful today?

Who knew a little boy would delight in painting pots for upcoming gifts? SHHHhhh


Who knew an angel would decide to paint with us at the exact same time today? Who knew their brushstrokes would be so similar? Who knew that I could use that wink from heaven today?



Who knew the pots would turn out so beautiful?


Who knew this sweet soul would turn out to be so friendly? Who knew he would seek to greet each person that he should meet on the street with a warm "Hello!" quickly followed by "What are you doing?"


Who knew sunshine would literally fall out of a favorite catalog?


Who knew a salad made with some home grown arugula and herbs with freshly cooked salmon could taste so good? Who knew that croutons were considered a major food group in our house?


Who knew peonies could be so beautiful? Who knew that these very peonies would stay in our family's garden for generations and would be enjoyed for so many years? Who knew that my own peonies are a different color and aren't quite ready to bloom? Who knew that I could use a little sweet smelling and beautiful pick me up?


Who knew that it could be such fun to spin individual Cheerios across the table and then watch them fall to the floor. Who knew that Chocolate Cheerios would taste so good?

Who knew that a mini ice cream cone could be so delightful in the middle of the afternoon when everyone else is at work and school? There are some benefits to being home with Mom. I almost said to being the youngest...but ouch, he is not. (We really did eat healthy foods today-just didn't capture them all on camera.)

Who knew these handprints would tug on my heart strings today? Who knew that the new I GET TO attitude helps me as I am learning to love this new life that is mine. These handprints are not dirt on the walls for me to clean. These handprints are a reminder of the little hands who left them here for me to see. Oh what I wouldn't give to see Jeremy's little handprints on the walls today. While these handprints, left by one of Jeremy's siblings, remain here on the wall, the little guy is leaving many more memories in my heart to last forever. Who knew this I GET TO attitude would be so life altering? Seriously try I GET To in place of I HAVE TO in any circumstance. It changes your perspective.

Who knew that the simple things in life really are grand? Who knew it would feel so good to really know that I am blessed despite the pain in my heart. Who knew that I would EVER learn to carry and balance the joy and pain together at the same time? All praise and glory be to God! Oddly enough, I did not read this calendar devotional until late this afternoon, which is very unusual for me. Imagine my delight when I read what it said. I just had to include it on this post, it was too perfect.


Who knew that as this very post was in process, that I would receive tragic news that would solidify these very thoughts even more and take them to a deeper level. I would hear news that makes one ponder how to live each day to the fullest, for all we have is this very moment. This moment to live and this moment to use wisely.

Life is short. Stay in the sunshine!