Angel Mail # 19

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtwIT8JjddM This entry wouldn't be the same without a musical link!  You will have to pause the music player to hear this song. I hope you can see us in a family sing along!

Dear Jeremy,

Happy 5th Birthday! We send our love and birthday wishes from the depths of our hearts here on earth and hope they reach you there in heaven.  I spent much of the day wondering about your days there in heaven and imagining that each moment is far more wonderful than the very best and most fun birthday party here on earth.  I just hope and pray that you feel our love, know without doubt that we miss you, and somehow feel that you are never forgotten from any part of our day to day experiences here on earth.

I awoke to a morning that weather wise was very much like the day that you were born.  As we left to begin our daily routines, gentle tears flowed as I reflected upon those moments in 2007 when your Daddy and I prepared for your impending birth.  I am rejoicing that the first thoughts of you this morning were filled with love and sunshine and not despair. I am grateful to remember the warmth of the happy times with you, however short they might have been, and deeply cherish them all.  I am still unsure of how to manage to experience that warmth of happier and "normal" times without the pain of realizing that time with you in earthly presence has come to an end. To this moment, I still shake my head with disbelief that the events that transpired really happened and that you are really waiting for us in heaven. 

I "see" you in the faces of the other children your age.  Sometimes they take my breath away when I see them running with glee in the midst of even the most ordinary of moments.  Pregnant women, babies, and young toddlers have a particular way of tugging at my heartstrings. Some days I simply avoid them.  I can still feel the barriers that I must still keep up to function and the fuzziness that comes over me when I am in their presence.  Those moments in their presence still often cause time to stand still and I have difficulty escaping the thinking that centers on all of the why's...Those experiences never end well. I can say that I am coping a little better than I had in years past where these experiences are concerned but they are still hard. 

In the weeks leading up to this day, I have often found myself thinking about how cool five year olds are!  This creates the perpetual thought of thinking about all the milestones that you would have been making at this time in your life.  This makes your absence very real and very sad for me.  I wonder what your giggle would sound like?  What kinds of things would even make you giggle? Hmmm
I wonder who your buddies would have been?  I wonder what would have been your favorite color?  What book would you have requested to be read to you over and over until I could recite the words in my sleep? What show would have been the one to be "your special show"? I wonder what your voice would sound like?  I am left here wanting something so very different than what I have ended up with to accept without choice.  I am however, gifted with trust.  I trust that all is well now and was meant to be just this way even though on this side of heaven it makes no sense of any kind to me to this day.

As we have in years before, we collected books in your memory and honor and donated them to the library at the hospital.  We also chose books that were in donated in honor of the very gifted and special medical team that worked alongside of us to care for you while you were sick.  Additionally books were donated in honor of some of your friends that dance with you in heaven that we have come to know through their loving families. This year there was a common theme of laughter to some of the books. These were books that made us laugh a little or a lot when we read them.  We knew these books were especially needed in this special library.  While we would never trivialize any part of being a patient in the hospital, laughter can be very healing.  We wanted to spread love, compassion, sunshine,  and smiles this year on your birthday.  It feels good to find a way to honor you, to remember you, to help someone else, and to see your memory live on in the hearts and minds of others.  Additionally we were also able to donate some tissues and band aids specifically to the PICU, which will forever hold a special place in our hearts.

I received an amazing letter by e-mail from a young lady that arrived out of the blue. It was of great comfort to read her words and to be reminded and know that your life was a part of the hearts of many from all over.  These people are woven together by our Lord, with you, with us, and many others, for a purpose that we cannot always see and understand, but that was intentionally created with great purpose. I am continually amazed when I reflect upon this thought and it takes my breath away to see the many times when our Lord shows His sovereign presence over all of us on this earth.

Your Mimi is with you now in heaven. Her presence is greatly missed from our everyday world here on earth too.  I imagined the reunions when she arrived and the time that you have together now in heaven.  I imagine that she loves holding you as long as you aren't crying! Ha! Do babies even cry in heaven?  We were especially comforted to find a book that spoke of that time that you now share in heaven and were able to donate that book to the library as well.  We give thanks that were able to donate this book and the others last week while everyone was home from school on Thanksgiving break.  I am thankful for the opportunity for your brothers and sister to have the completion of that experience, to see the library, and to know that our love for you lives on through these book donations that hopefully bring sunshine to others in dark and stormy times.

We continue to watch time here on earth sift through our hands like sand without any control.
I have learned to cherish the moments beyond imagine and hold close to my heart the true gifts of this life. These very gifts often are the simplest of things that cannot be bought or are tangible items.  There has been considerable trauma, loss, and trials in our lives. I continue to struggle watching it unfold before my eyes, to make it stop, or to feel as though I have any real power to make a difference in making it better.  My heart prays daily for the ability to leave these concerns at the foot of the cross and to trust that the Lord has them all in the palm of His almighty hands.  Each morning as I awake, I long for peace, true and constant joy, and steadfastness in trials, but admittedly still lack the ability to fully access those treasures. I can only hope that through prayer and a willingness to be open to the Holy Spirit to enter my heart, that I can get out of my own way, and fulfill those very hopes.

I spent the rest of the today wandering around feeling like I was lost.  I could not do what I truly wanted, which was to honor your special day in the ways that I do with the rest of your earthly family.  I simply could not follow through with the typical everyday trivial routines of a Friday either.
For me, I have grown to accept that this day in the calendar year, will be painful, no matter what.
Not much, feels just right. All in all, there is a little more strength to my soul as time moves forward.

As we visited your grave to take time and pause, it was nice to see that others had been there before us and had left symbols of their love and remembrance of you on your birthday. Their thoughtfulness also brought comfort to our broken hearts as well. We give thanks for the support of family and friends along each step of the way.

Jeremy, you are a true gift in my life.  Your presence, while short, taught me more than I could have ever imagined  a young child could have ever done.  In this case, it was YOU who was sent to teach me, rather than the traditional parent/child relationship.  I love you and always will.  You are a part of me forever and ever. I am who I am, for better or for worse, because of you and all the other experiences that have been divinely appointed in my life.  Please know that I feel your presence with me daily and "see" all of the ways that you show your love for us, your family.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Today, I write and ask that you never stop finding ways to be present in our lives.

Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet son! It was you that was and continues to be my gift...

Love,
Mommy