I wish I could have seen this image as I looked through my camera lens today.

My lens looks much different today. It has for some time now. I wonder if I'll ever look at my children and not see this gapping hole where someone is missing from the photo.

This is the last time my children were ever photographed all together. It looks perfect. I am torturing myself looking at these photos from last year. I keep thinking something will pop out, a sign, something that I didn't see at the time, something, anything, that will make all of this make sense to me. All I see is a healthy and happy baby. All I see is a shattered family left behind to wonder why? I'm not doing so good tonight.

The events that began one year ago are much too painful to even put into words.

My fingers are struggling to type the scattered words that are coming from my shattered heart.

Thank goodness the lens of God is perfect. Through my tears I will fix my eyes on the cross. I will lay this hurt at his feet. I will ask him to carry me through this pain. I will pray for him to show me he is near. I will let him carry my son in his arms since I cannot.

Spinning

My head is spinning. If only I could get off of this ride and find that I am just dizzy from spinning around so much. If only my life were exactly the way it was one year ago before all of this mess started. I know that won't happen. I do trust that God knows best and there is real purpose in this pain and confusion. I pray that he helps me to know that he is near. I pray that I have the necessary strength to defeat the enemy's wishes for me. We have come so far on this journey. The calendar makes me want to look back but it is so painful to even allow my mind to consider thinking about the details that surround this very date in time last year. It is too much. The numbness has worn off and the loss has settled in. I am afraid that if I revisit the past, that this time, I will truly see and feel the horrible details and events from last year.

We have a birthday in our house. Last year this birthday was filled with such happiness and hope for many blessings in life. A birthday that ended and then the next day lives were changed forever. A birthday that is worthy of and deserves that same happiness and hope but is now also painfully close to a pivotal moment in our family's history. I pray that we can disconnect the two events and not associate this birthday with such horrific pain. This special someone deserves that. We want that more than anything...please pray. Pray that we may succeed in that desire and that this special someone can do the same for themselves as time goes on.

Please keep us in your prayers as we are getting closer and closer to the traffic. It doesn't look good from here...

Hind Sight

One year ago... Did you notice the sunlight shining on Jeremy and only Jeremy?

Hind sight really is 20/20. I had no idea that just five days later my world would turn upside down.

Please pray, the pain is so great right now. I am hurting so deeply that I cannot put into words the pain that I feel. I miss him, all of him. My family hurts and our hearts have an empty space.

I don't want to remember the pain involved with going through the traffic up ahead. I have no choice...

Traffic Up Ahead

Dear Prayer Warriors,

I write tonight to petition you for prayers. We are heading into some tough days ahead, traffic if you will. You may recall from an earlier post that this visual was shared with us by grieving parents who were brave enough to dive in and help newly bereaved parents as they begin this new journey in life called grief.

I am "cocooning" as some of my friends call it. I am breathing in and out. I am literally putting one foot in front of the other and I am doing all I can to make it through the day. Times are tough. Times are hard for our nuclear family and extended family as well. I will ask you to pray for peace to fill our hearts as we approach these tough days and traffic up ahead.

This time last year we began this very painful journey. We prayed and had faith that God's will would be done. It was. We still cling tight to our faith and the belief that Jeremy still received his miracle, it just wasn't the same one we had so desperately prayed for.

I look ahead and see this traffic jam . I want so badly just to drive in another direction but I can't. We have no choice but to keep driving and embrace the traffic jam. I envision a pretty painful time to get through. We have come a long way. I know we will get through this traffic jam together, but it won't be without pain and many tears...

Thank you.

With a Grateful Heart,

Talents

Just wanted to thank Danielle over at http://designgirlblogdesign.blogspot.com/
for all of her help designing my blog. This is definitely her talent and not mine!

As many of you know, I am still learning my way around in this Blog world. Danielle was super nice and easy to work with. I think she did a great job and was very time efficient. In addition, she was very sensitive to my requests and vision for my blog.

I love the new look. It is a daily dose of sunshine in and of itself!

Thanks Again Danielle!

The Lucky One

Another memory from this time last year. The first picture is a little stretch I know. I didn't get the chance on St. Patrick's Day to take some photos of Jeremy in his little green shamrock outfit so I took advantage of the moment one week later but you get the point. The second picture is of the four kids getting ready to eat this special dessert that my Mom brought home from NY. I can't remember now what it was called but it was yummy.


Jeremy,

I missed your presence at the table this morning as we ate green oatmeal and drank green milk. I missed not laying out a green outfit for you to wear today. I missed your smile.

You are the lucky one. You are in a marvelous place surrounded by all things glorious. You my sweet child, dance amongst the angels and snuggle up with Our Father in heaven. Those images do my heart good when times are tough.

We are lucky too. Your life was a gift. Our joys are greater, our love is deeper, and our life is fuller, all because of the moments shared with you sweet angel baby.

Love,
Mommy

.

How Did We Get Here?

Remembering happy times then remembering the pain of losing it all.

I strive to make each moment count. It's all we have. There's no promise for another... I want that moment to leave it's imprint on my heart forever. I want to remember that I did all I could to make that moment special and worth remembering. No regrets... no more...