Joy Without a Hole

****Update.
I knew there was more, I just didn't know at the time what it was. As it turns out there is even more significance to the scripture verse than I had first thought. If you notice, it mentions that the sun will be SEVEN times brighter. . . well tomorrow will be seven months since Jeremy went to his home in heaven with Jesus. We would appreciate your prayers tomorrow. It's still so very painful to remember all of the events that have happened to Jeremy and our family and what has become of our family since then. I will work hard to keep the scripture mentioned in this post close to my heart tomorrow and remember that the hurt that lives in my soul will be healed ...someday....


I've soaked up some rays over the last two days. Something is trying to surface but at the present time,I'm still not sure I've absorbed the whole message. There have been plenty of distractions with us all being sick and then the back to school routine these last two days. I may need to update an Ah-Hah moment at a later time.

Life goes on. . . for us and for everyone around us. That's life. It doesn't mean that I have to like it, it is just a fact of the matter. I'll say in rather generic terms that there are some happy events happening in the lives of other people we know and are close to. I feel a sense of utter joy and elation for them as they receive these blessings from God. I honestly couldn't be happier for them , really. However, I can't help the other feelings that have also bubbled up along with that happiness. Maybe it's Satan working hard to get in my way again. Anyway, my husband and I were discussing these events happening around us.

Disclaimer**** Please read this with a compassionate and open heart and mind. Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, please try hard to understand and not judge. After all, we are meant to encourage one another not judge one another. To my friends, please accept my true happiness for you. Please also try to understand where my heart is at the present time and that I am a work in progress. Aren't we all? I also want you to know that this post in NO WAY releases you from sharing joyful times with me in the future. I want and still need that part of my friendships.
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I'll admit. I along with happiness I am also sad. I am even maybe a little jealous. Most of all, I REMEMBER. I remember that feeling of just sheer joy without any holes. No holes where joy could leak out. I felt that joy on monumental days in my life like my wedding and the birth of my four children. I even felt that same sheer joy on regular, normal, everyday moments too, just being home with my family and friends enjoying the blessings of life. It's different now. VERY DIFFERENT. Since I lost Jeremy, I fear that whole complete joy will NEVER return. Sure, we could list lots of fabulous experiences that we could potentially have in our lifetime, but "today", I can't see how they will ever provide that same sense of complete joy. In my mind, that complete joy would and could exist if we could experience those things with Jeremy and our other children, family intact. But broken, well today, I can see happiness on the horizon, but not complete and full joy.

I woke up this morning and I talked to a friend, a grieving mother too. She listened as I shared these thoughts with her. I felt better letting it out. She understands.

I want that joy back. I want to believe that joy is possible again in this lifetime, not just in heaven when all is made perfect again and our family is reunited. My heart just can't seem to see how that is possible. I have a hole in my heart that is permanent. No one and nothing can ever fill it. I know Jesus can heal that hurt from the hole that was left when Jeremy died, but he can't take it away. He can't now.

Later in the day, okay, much later, I finally got to my devotional. Any guesses what it said today? AMAZING... I felt like God was telling me again. "Amy, why didn't you just come to me with this first? I could have saved you the trouble of thinking about it all day." Here's the answer I got. You interpret as you wish...

Scripture from Isaiah 30:26
The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter than usual, like the light of seven days in one. This will all happen when the Lord bandages and heals the wounds he has given his people.

Did you get that bandages and HEALS? The author of the devotional goes on to encourage us to cling to God' promise of light in the dark times of our lives. She points out that sometimes the darkness is not only because of our external circumstances but can also come from within. It can come from having an outlook that doubts or has internal gloom. ( Ah EM, head bowed okay. That's what I'm doing)

I am doubting that God can fill a whole this big in my heart. I know he is with me and that he will not let me fall. But...Do I really trust him to HEAL a hurt this big though??? Work in progress.

The author then goes on to say, let go of the bright memories of our past. Instead, we should rather fill our minds with hope. Hope of glorious sun shining days to come, all with the help of God.

I will rest my weary head soaking in that scripture. I will do my best to awaken in morning light with a willingness to begin believing that I really will find my sunshine again and that all things are indeed possible with God. He can restore that complete joy in my heart.

If you are blessed to feel that complete joy in your life right now, be thankful with all your heart, mind, and soul. Don't take a moment of it for granted. Step back, take time to soak up the sunshine, for these gifts are from him alone. If you have a hole and walk this journey with me, let's walk in his light together until we find that joy again.