A Gift Eternal

I found this little notebook on the bathroom counter one night this week just after I had tucked my daughter into bed. I love her handwriting and her spelling. My heart loves that she wants her brother for Christmas. I love how she writes the letter J backwards in Jeremy's name. Who am I kidding, I love that she writes his name. I love to see his name in print. I love his name. I love Jeremy and I always will. These very words bring me to tears as I write them tonight.

Yup, another gut wrenching moment.

My husband and I were both heart broken. Our sweet daughter wants her brother for Christmas. Me too... I want to see his Christmas list, not see him on our Christmas list. I am also heartbroken that I cannot physically fulfill this request for her. While I cannot make this happen for her, I can, as her Mom, guide her heart and her faith in God, and that is just exactly what I plan to do.

A few people have knowledge that I have been wrestling with and churning this image in my heart and in my mind all week. Y'all wonder why I am so tired all the time. Golly!

I have a relationship with God. I laid this heart wrenching pain at the foot of the cross. The Heavens did not open up, a voice did not immediately answer me, but...with time, patience, a careful listening ear, and understanding, my God was ever faithful, and has once again taken my heart for a few lessons.

Here is the message that I received.

Jeremy was a gift the very day he was conceived. Period. He was a gift all of the days that he grew inside of me. Jeremy was a gift the very day he was born and for each and every day that he lived on this earth. His life remains a gift to so many who knew him. A precious and treasured gift indeed.

The best gift is that Jeremy has eternal life now with Jesus His savior.

John 3:16 (New International Version)

16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 14:1-3 (New International Version)

John 14
Jesus Comforts His Disciples
1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God[a]; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Jesus' words show us that the way to eternal life, though unseen, is secure-as secure as your trust in Jesus. The only issue that may still be unsettled is your willingness to believe.

It won't be the first time that I admit that my heart and soul aren't always in the same place. I believe and have faith AND my heart still hurts. Although I have hurt, and oh how I have hurt, I have NEVER doubted , even for a split second, just where my son is exactly. I KNOW where he is and I have peace over that belief. I am learning to live a life that I never imagined without him here in my arms.

Will my daughter's Christmas wish be fulfilled? Yes.

We all received the gift of Jeremy's life. It wasn't ever taken away from us. A part of him remains with us and always will. We are separated by a life here on earth and a life eternal with Jesus. His life and our lives are separated. Our family will all be united again one day in heaven. I have said it before and I will say it again, we were blessed to have had the brief time that we did with Jeremy than to never have had it all.

Will her wish be fulfilled on Christmas Day? Yes.
Jeremy's life lives on through us all, every day, even on Christmas. His soul lives on eternally with Jesus in heaven, every day, even on Christmas.

Now, I do realize that my daughter is really asking for her brother to return to earth in a physical form and for life to return to the way things were. My, how I wish that I could perform that miracle, but I can't. For I too want that more than anything... Jesus can perform that very miracle, but will he? Probably not.

What I wish for myself, for my husband, my daughter, and my other sons, my family, and for all those grieving the loss of someone that they love, is that we could fill our hearts completely with the peace that only the Lord can give. I wish that the pain and suffering experienced from this separation would not exist in our hearts. My wish is pure. My wish is that we could remain in peace knowing that this is all part of the Lord's plan. This is my prayer today and has been for some time now. I know that God isn't finished with me yet, for this is a journey. I know my God understands my ambivalence. After all, He knows and understands my extreme pain. He gave His only son, so that Jeremy and all of us could have eternal life. My prayer is also that my Lord would protect us from seeking our own control and from looking around into the lives of others, and to instead keep our eyes fixed on the cross and on Him.

I am in pain, and most likely always will be, but I do believe in life everlasting through Christ Jesus. This too is a precious gift that I am entrusted to teach my children. I will do my best each and every day of my life to nurture that relationship with Jesus with them until they can make that choice for themselves.

So I will continue to pray and to ask God to guide me and my family through this journey. I may place my daughter's list and this very blog entry in a box and wrap it with a blue and yellow bow. I will give it to her on Christmas Day. She may not understand it now, but I hope she will someday. I pray that it may serve as a lesson and a reminder even for me on the darker and more painful days when I seem to have lost my own way.

Blooming

As you can see we are thoroughly enjoying the "sunshine" growing in our yard. Jeremy's garden is simply beautiful. I love to look out from our window to see the beautiful variety of sunflowers. They vary in size, shape, and color.

I love the little "Peek A Boo" sunflower that reached beyond the fence. It made me laugh a little when I was walking to the woods to retrieve a lost ball.

I too am blooming. This summer I was definitely feeling like I had hit a low point, but I am feeling better and as if I am climbing out of that place a bit.

I also love the outfits that my kids are wearing in the photos. It was nice to wear that outfit and pose in front of our special garden. It was a bit challenging to get that photo since my kids are not feeling well but I think it was good enough...for now.

I am grateful for the harvest of flowers. I am thankful that the deer, squirrels, and rabbits left our seeds and tender plants alone enough that we could enjoy this beautiful garden. I am thankful for the love that was shed on each and every seed as it was planted. I am thankful for the sunshine. It is always there...

With a Grateful Heart,

You Are My Sunshine

It is August. A time for summer. Time to chase fireflies, drink lemonade, swim in the pool, pick vine ripened red tomatoes, eat sweet corn, and count the days left of summer vacation before school officially begins.

The retail market is in a different world. They are preparing for the next season. Even one of my kids questioned why there were Halloween items in the stores already. I found a favorite catalog in the mail and landed on this page.(See the link below- Disclaimer I STILL have not figured out how to link from text. If anyone would be interested in teaching me how, I would be most grateful.) Can you believe it? I've been a Mom for almost eight years now and have never seen anything like it ever before.

Naturally, it sent my mind to places that are painful and dark and to happy places with Jeremy that exist only in my imagination. You see how one little thing can just sweep me back in time...One little wave, one big wave, or even several waves all at once. Time moves forward that is for sure, but the heart just takes longer to catch up.

I am standing at a crossroads in my life unwilling to leave the path where my past life stands. A life with a wonderful husband and four kids here on earth. Photographs make it seem easy to just go back to that place. The images seem so real, and they were real. It's just that now when I look at them, all of my senses come into play, and it becomes confusing to understand the difference between the past and the reality of today's moments. I can smell the many scents of a newborn baby. Among the words of the stories that we have read, I hear the joy in our laughter or the depth of our contentment and love. I see my whole family in one place. I can remember what it actually felt like to have Jeremy in my arms while my other son, seated beside his siblings, twirled my hair and sucked his thumb. Those moments are gone...evaporated...but the how's and why's still remain. With time, I am beginning to grow toward accepting that I will never know the answers to those questions here on earth.

I would like to think that I serve a God that is willing to be patient and understands my ambivalence. I am trying to walk on this new path but also trying to do it on my terms. I feel most safe being able to see my old path, my old life, the life where I was comfortable from where I am standing today.

Life changed in a single moment. I am not comfortable. Growing is painful and a lot of hard work. I pray daily for the strength to continue trusting in God's will for my life and not my own. He is leading me down a very different path, one that I would have never chosen for myself. Day after day, after day, I ask for His grace and mercy to wash over me and help me cope with the events of each day. I ask for this comfort when I discover costumes like this and realize that the little boy who would wear it, doesn't need it after all.

Jeremy,

You don't need a costume to be "My Sunshine". You are a Ray of Sunshine in my life today, tomorrow, and always will be. God is using you to be a Ray of Sunshine in my life, and in the lives of your family, friends, and even so many people that we may have never even personally met. What an honor! You have and continue to serve Him well in my eyes. In my opinion, it is far better to really have such an important purpose in your life and not to just wear a silly costume for a few hours on Halloween.

Keep shining! I love you sweet son of mine.

Love,
Mommy


So as I begin to walk down a path that is farther and farther from where I once stood, I will choose to trust that where I am going will be good...

http://www.chasing-fireflies.com/you-are-my-sunshine/productinfo/26088/

Lazy Days of Summer

It is August. August. This is the first day all summer that we have experienced a day to just stay home and do whatever we want and let the day unfold to be whatever it will become.

Here I sit, still in pajamas with fuzzy teeth and unbrushed hair. We have played games, eaten many snacks that were mostly nutritious, read lots of books, and are now snuggled up on the couch watching a movie.

I have been waiting all summer for a day like this. It feels good.

The Second Year Begins

A friend at the pool loaned me a book to read. This summer the novels must pass a few criteria:

1. No death or extreme sadness

2. No heavy content material (my brain just can't process any more)

3. A quick page turner

Anyway, I enjoyed the book. The following quote was embedded unexpectedly within the text and it about sums up what I have been feeling lately.

"The initial stages of grief seem to be the worst. But,in some ways it is sadder as time goes by and you consider how much they've missed in your life and in the world. "

I have been feeling pretty low the last few weeks. I haven't been able to pick myself up too well since June when we marked one full year since Jeremy's Angel Day.

The grief is in so many ways is more painful than ever before. Recently I have been informed that the second year is harder. I was relieved to have some experienced grieving parents share this notion with me and to share some of the experiences they had during their second year following the death of their child. I was also feeling a little angry. Why hadn't someone told me this before? For weeks I had been walking around feeling so sad, so lonely, so depressed, and so frustrated that things seemed so bad,despite all of the hard work that I thought I was doing to survive life on this earth without Jeremy. For one thing, I did not do a good job of reaching out for help. After some more thought, I realized that I wouldn't have been able to hear those words one year ago. The journey would have seemed too long. I may not have made it to this point. The emotional numbness has fully worn off now. The true reality of our loss is settling into me and I am settling into it. It is not an easy place to be.

I will forge ahead keeping my eyes fixed to the cross and not to the long winding roads left to travel. Perhaps it is me getting too far ahead of myself, instead of being content to walk each day where He leads me. He gives me my strength one day at a time for now. My prayer from my heart is that I can find peace and comfort there with Him.