A Gift Eternal

I found this little notebook on the bathroom counter one night this week just after I had tucked my daughter into bed. I love her handwriting and her spelling. My heart loves that she wants her brother for Christmas. I love how she writes the letter J backwards in Jeremy's name. Who am I kidding, I love that she writes his name. I love to see his name in print. I love his name. I love Jeremy and I always will. These very words bring me to tears as I write them tonight.

Yup, another gut wrenching moment.

My husband and I were both heart broken. Our sweet daughter wants her brother for Christmas. Me too... I want to see his Christmas list, not see him on our Christmas list. I am also heartbroken that I cannot physically fulfill this request for her. While I cannot make this happen for her, I can, as her Mom, guide her heart and her faith in God, and that is just exactly what I plan to do.

A few people have knowledge that I have been wrestling with and churning this image in my heart and in my mind all week. Y'all wonder why I am so tired all the time. Golly!

I have a relationship with God. I laid this heart wrenching pain at the foot of the cross. The Heavens did not open up, a voice did not immediately answer me, but...with time, patience, a careful listening ear, and understanding, my God was ever faithful, and has once again taken my heart for a few lessons.

Here is the message that I received.

Jeremy was a gift the very day he was conceived. Period. He was a gift all of the days that he grew inside of me. Jeremy was a gift the very day he was born and for each and every day that he lived on this earth. His life remains a gift to so many who knew him. A precious and treasured gift indeed.

The best gift is that Jeremy has eternal life now with Jesus His savior.

John 3:16 (New International Version)

16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 14:1-3 (New International Version)

John 14
Jesus Comforts His Disciples
1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God[a]; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Jesus' words show us that the way to eternal life, though unseen, is secure-as secure as your trust in Jesus. The only issue that may still be unsettled is your willingness to believe.

It won't be the first time that I admit that my heart and soul aren't always in the same place. I believe and have faith AND my heart still hurts. Although I have hurt, and oh how I have hurt, I have NEVER doubted , even for a split second, just where my son is exactly. I KNOW where he is and I have peace over that belief. I am learning to live a life that I never imagined without him here in my arms.

Will my daughter's Christmas wish be fulfilled? Yes.

We all received the gift of Jeremy's life. It wasn't ever taken away from us. A part of him remains with us and always will. We are separated by a life here on earth and a life eternal with Jesus. His life and our lives are separated. Our family will all be united again one day in heaven. I have said it before and I will say it again, we were blessed to have had the brief time that we did with Jeremy than to never have had it all.

Will her wish be fulfilled on Christmas Day? Yes.
Jeremy's life lives on through us all, every day, even on Christmas. His soul lives on eternally with Jesus in heaven, every day, even on Christmas.

Now, I do realize that my daughter is really asking for her brother to return to earth in a physical form and for life to return to the way things were. My, how I wish that I could perform that miracle, but I can't. For I too want that more than anything... Jesus can perform that very miracle, but will he? Probably not.

What I wish for myself, for my husband, my daughter, and my other sons, my family, and for all those grieving the loss of someone that they love, is that we could fill our hearts completely with the peace that only the Lord can give. I wish that the pain and suffering experienced from this separation would not exist in our hearts. My wish is pure. My wish is that we could remain in peace knowing that this is all part of the Lord's plan. This is my prayer today and has been for some time now. I know that God isn't finished with me yet, for this is a journey. I know my God understands my ambivalence. After all, He knows and understands my extreme pain. He gave His only son, so that Jeremy and all of us could have eternal life. My prayer is also that my Lord would protect us from seeking our own control and from looking around into the lives of others, and to instead keep our eyes fixed on the cross and on Him.

I am in pain, and most likely always will be, but I do believe in life everlasting through Christ Jesus. This too is a precious gift that I am entrusted to teach my children. I will do my best each and every day of my life to nurture that relationship with Jesus with them until they can make that choice for themselves.

So I will continue to pray and to ask God to guide me and my family through this journey. I may place my daughter's list and this very blog entry in a box and wrap it with a blue and yellow bow. I will give it to her on Christmas Day. She may not understand it now, but I hope she will someday. I pray that it may serve as a lesson and a reminder even for me on the darker and more painful days when I seem to have lost my own way.