Angel Mail #10

Dear Jeremy,

It is officially fall here on earth. The leaves are beginning to change colors on the trees, some leaves have already begun to fall to the ground, and the air is getting cooler both during the day and also at night. We have even dug out the long sleeved shirts and long pants already. All of your siblings have started school and have had a few weeks to adjust to the new routines. These are all signs that fall is here.

Time is passing on and I feel as though we are moving on each and every day and leaving you behind. With each moment of time, each day, and each new season, I am leaving behind a life and travelling farther and farther from a place in time where all of my children existed in the same place and within hugging distance. I am trying my best to make each day count but most days, I feel as though I am still kicking and screaming all the way, very much in denial that you are really gone. My heart hurts so deeply that words cannot even begin describe the pain.

The real truth is that you are there in heaven waiting for us to arrive. Our family will be reunited and I will be able to hold you, kiss you, and hug you for eternity. Here on this earth, time marches by a different measure and each and every day just feels so long and so very far from where you are. My heart and my soul remain in such different places. Pastor tells me they will never really align. Our earthly flesh bodies fight what only the soul can comprehend. Our souls will know eternal life and our flesh will die. That fact makes perfect sense to me and now I am free from not understanding why my soul and my heart cannot reach the same level of acceptance of this major tragedy. I have worn myself out attempting something that just isn't humanly possible. I must work harder at trusting the Lord. I was reminded today in church to stop trying to comprehend God. Our God is too big, His ways are not like our ways, and therefore the human mind just cannot understand His ways. Every cell in my body wants to do just that...I need to let go and let God.

September brought many joys and many waves of grief too. Your sister and brothers all began school. We purchased our school supplies and prepared for the first day of school. Each of them were excited to begin the school year, to meet their new teachers, and to see their friends. The school year brings a certain newness to the air, a time of new beginnings. These are the very times when your presence in our family is missed so intensely. Waves of grief began to roll in...I was reminded that you will never go to school. You will never go to the preschool where your brothers and sister attended. Even walking in that building brought back memories of times when our lives began to unravel from life as we knew it and for this new life to begin. Where one stopped and where this one began I just don't know. I will never go backpack shopping with you. I will never know what your favorite color is and what things you would like. I will never even know about your personality and what likes and dislikes you have. Schools like to send home all kinds of paper work. It catches me off guard every time to see the question about family. The school wants me to list the people with whom your siblings live with, and the number of brothers and sisters they have. Beside that line is the age of each sibling. Waves of grief. It hurts to write your name and to list 'angel' beside it.

School for your siblings also means that I am home alone now. I do not want to be home alone. I wasn't ready for that time in my life. It was taken from me. You should be here and I should be taking you to a Mommy and Me class with your cousin and your aunt. The two of you should be in the same class. Instead, I get to sit that one out this time around. The house is quiet and empty from laughter, snacks, blocks, books, and other activities and experiences that I dreamed we would have shared, all while the others were at school.

It seems like everywhere I look, I see a life where you should be here, but you are not. It hurts Jeremy. I don't know how to make this hurt go away. One day the phone rang and someone asked for you sweet son. I had to tell that individual that you were deceased. As if that weren't painful enough. I realized that there would never be any phone calls that would come in for you. I was reminded that I would never know the sound of your voice, I would not know the sound of your soul singing for the world to hear. I could go on all day and cry about the things that I will never get to do and the dreams that I will need to let go of, but there simply isn't enough space for that in this letter. I will miss you every waking day and each and every moment of my life here on earth. I will feel the loss of your sweet soul here on earth with me until the day I die.

September also brought the celebration of another birthday for your oldest brother. Birthdays are events that most would think are joyous but cannot even begin to understand the pain that coexists. Typically birthdays are a time for families to be together. You will never be here. The empty chair is always there...And speaking of birthdays, we will never celebrate your birthday the way we would like. We will never know the friends that you would have chosen and the themes of your parties that would reflect your personality and your likes and dislikes. Our family also celebrated a birthday in grand style just days before your departure from the earth the first time and so that very thought of throwing a party triggers such pain. I wonder if birthday parties will always be bittersweet.

Jeremy I have also had contact with other mothers that were pregnant at the same time as I was with you. I haven't seen them since your passing. Seeing them again unexpectedly and with their children who are about the same age as you would be now, is almost unbearable for me. Oh how I wish I could see you running through the halls and on the soccer fields too! My body fills with panic when for split second when I can't find you... when I cannot comprehend how I got here to this place in my life. My heart quickly seems to forget that you are not here with us. Just the other night, we were voting on the movie that we would watch for Family Movie Night and I prepared six slips. Your oldest brother gently reminded me that you would not be needing a voting slip. I then see the candle burning in your memory at our dinner table instead of your cheerful and jubilant smile that melted the hearts of many.

And so it would suffice to say that September has brought more "firsts". I was such a fool to think I was done with that phase in my life. I will admit, after all this hard work, I really thought I would feel better. I do not. My new favorite term is labrinthing. I am labrinthing. Maybe I am better but rather labrinthing. I'll explain later.

As you can see I have been doing a lot of kicking and screaming, fighting the reality of what has happened. I am running to God and laying this pain at the foot of the cross. He has led me this far and I am painfully and tearfully trusting Him to lead me on from here too. He never promised that I wouldn't hurt He only promised that He wouldn't leave me. He hasn't, not ever...

So in the midst of the pain, I spend time trying to imagine eternal life and what it must be like for you. I try to imagine what it must be like to spend every day with Jesus by your side. That is what comforts my soul. I imagine a life without backpacks and birthday parties but filled with things that are far better than I could ever even dream about. I wish you could whisper stories to me as I sleep. A mother of a young child is accustomed to being a part of her child's life, so excuse me for having such a hard time letting go of you and the dreams of your presence in our family.

This letter shows the raw and ugly truth of where Mommy's soul is today at this very moment. I will close this letter telling you that is was all worth it, every tear, every day spent suffering. Just the nearness of you, the feeling of holding you in my arms, the smell of your skin, the sounds that you made while sleeping, the way your hair styled itself since you had so much of it, but most of all, the way that you made a difference in my life and the lives of so many. It was all worth it. Your life was a gift to me and to so many.

Until we meet again.

My deepest love to you on Angel's wings,
Mommy