Missing Him...

I am missing my sweet baby tonight. I have been feeling better for awhile now and I am sad to be here in this place tonight. It's been creeeping in over the last few days and I have tried to keep balanced, but I have tipped tonight and have given in. I have learned that these moments will come, and they will continue to come for the duration of my days here on this earth. I have also learned to give in to the feelings and not to fight them. It takes such energy to fight them away and sadly after the fight, I usually find them waiting for me there anyway.

I think we have had so much "family time" this week that his absence is really weighing on me. I am seeing child number three doing things that older brother did when he was his age and I can't help myself from wondering if Jeremy would be following the same footsteps. You know like loving Buzz Lightyear and Woody from Toy Story and wearing the hand-me-downs that are filled with love and life experiences. I remember when your brother wore that, we were... Oh what would it be like to have those clothes worn by three boys from our house?

I see my kids playing and really miss Jeremy. I picture the smile on his face and at the age he would be now, I doubt he would be watching from the sidelines anymore. I see how well my older two are playing together, surprisingly well considering the time we have been cooped up in the Blizzard of 2010. There are three years between #2 and #3. That is a considerable age difference with regard to play these days. I wonder what #3 would be doing if he had a younger sibling to play with too? I wonder if their relationship would be close like the other two are?

I wonder a lot about Jeremy's personality and what his voice would sound like?
I never knew that sound since I never got to hear him utter "Momma" or any other word for that matter.

I digress from here...The tears are welling up in my eyes and the lump has found it's usual and all too familiar position in my throat.

The house is quiet and the kids are sleeping soundly in their beds. I know my youngest has the best home ever but I can't help myself from missing him. I miss him every moment of every day. I miss his sweet soul and his smile that could melt anyone's heart.

But, life is what it is. I can't change the part of my life that is causing me so much pain, not even with all the effort in the world. All I can do is to lay this pain at the foot of the cross and wait for my Savior to meet me there and carry me through this moment, again. All these months later, I know he will.