Wide Open

The nitty gritty of reality for me is that two years out from this origin of horror and tragedy is that it still hurts like ****. My gut reaction at least once on a daily basis is to close up, curl up in a ball, and to put armour on so tight that nothing and no one can penetrate my soul. This is surely no way to live. One can exist this way but the questions is can you live this way? Can one live fully this way?


In the past I have cocooned. I have tried each and every way I could to make the pain go away. I've learned it doesn't really ever go away. Pain silently waits and will reappear again, and again, and again. In my case, it most likely always will throughout my lifetime. So I live with the challenge to find a way to carry the pain of Jeremy's illness and death with me but not let it define me.


I am asked, AGAIN, to try the opposite, to instead try to OPEN MY HEART WIDE. I was asked once again, to surrender and to take off my shoes. I was asked to trust in HIM and to surrender the pain to the One who can and will carry it and me to a place of peace. IF I can truly open my heart wide then I can allow the grace and mercy of God to flow inward to each and every hurt that lies within my soul. To allow that God given grace, undeserved but given grace, to flow and to heal. I am invited to ask not WHY but HOW can I use this pain to live in this world?


I was inspired to not fight anymore and to surrender to the pain by the lyrics of this song .


Deep? Yes. That's me. Transparent? Yep. That's me too. Look out...you may not recognize me when I fully surrender. I think I've been trying to be in control of this life for way too long. I surrender! ( At least a little more today than yesterday and hopefully a little more tomorrow :))