Like a Lake...

Sara Groves wrote a song called Like a Lake.

This song is really comforting to me right now because it speaks so clearly of the pain that I carry in my heart. Saying farewell to one of my children here on earth is a pain so very deep and consuming. I carry a pain that will never go away. It may soften on some days but it can also grow in size on other days so that it is all I can see. I will never be the same. I will never return to that person that I once was. I am someone forever changed. I am still learning to get acquainted with this new me.

Yet this song also speaks of the hope that I resides within my heart as well. There was a day in June that will forever be etched into my heart. It was the first time that I had held my son in over 70 days and it was also the last day that I would ever hold him in my arms ever again on this side of heaven. It was a day that I will never forget or get over. On that day I held Jeremy until the moment when he let go of my hand and leapt into the arms of Jesus. I refused then and I still refuse now to allow this experience to make me a bitter person. So it is with great sadness in my heart and with such a deep hurt that I fight the ways of this world and rather yield and curl into the arms of my savior to seek comfort in His grace and in His presence. It isn't easy but I choose to stay wide open like a lake for Him to fill me with His presence and with His grace for the moment. I open my heart to His direction and His will for my life. For me, it is the only way to go on without Jeremy here on earth. So I go on one foot in front of the other hoping in my Lord that He will indeed restore my heart and bring glory through this tragedy.

I will not deny that this experience of letting go of a child is the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. Sometimes I often wonder if I have the strength to go on, yet just when I feel as though I have nothing left, the Lord meets me there. Not a moment too soon. It is there in that moment that I find the grace to go on. There is an amazement that follows each and every time when the Lord makes His presence known to me. It is that intimate time with the Lord that reassures me of His love for me, even in the midst of this pain. His presence in my life fills me with peace like nothing else on earth.

I don't need to understand. I don't need to ask why? I don't need to look any farther than to the cross and give my broken heart to Him to restore in His time and His ways. One day I will see the glory of it all.

My favorite devotional,by Kristin Armstrong, reminded me today that "if given the choice would I take the shortcut if the finest view lies just a few more miles away? When healing is at stake, it is best to take my time through it. Rushing through it will only postpone the real work that must be done. The Lord will teach me how to wait for His best with grace and with hopeful expectancy."

So here I am doing my best today to remain open.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

You can listen to Sara's song here. Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the blog screen first.

Like a Lake by Sara Groves

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake