Finding Sunshine

I am so thankful that I have three beautiful, healthy, and energetic children here on earth. Jeremy will always be a part of who we are as a family and he has also shaped who will become as individuals. We will never forget him. My children are the reason that I get up every day. They are the reason that I forge ahead amidst the rain, even on the darkest days. They keep my head out of the hole that I want to hide in sometimes.


I am thankful for my husband. Where would I be without you? While our pain doesn't always bring out the best in us, we're a family, and we'll survive with the help of God. Our feet are firmly grounded in him and that is truly a blessing. We will find our way and someday we will smile again and feel it within our souls.


This summer we have taken the time to just take one day at a time. To spend time in the moment. To take each day as it comes, to allow ourselves to just "Be As You Are", and to accept ourselves however that may be. I am thinking of a old poster I used to see at school with Calvin and Hobbes faces all over it. There were cartoon faces depicting almost every feeling that you could think of. I could probably check a lot of those feelings off every day. No one in our family feels the same thing at the same time. We can give one another comfort as needed. My children really are witnessing a wide range of emotions this summer.


We have lived more fully this summer. We make the most of each day and have taken a close look at what really matters. I am fairly confident that many of you reading this have done the same with your families. I am determined to make the best of the childhood years with my earthly children. I do not want this great grief and despair to eat us alive and tear apart our family. The children made a list of the things that we wanted to do this summer. With the exception of one item, we have managed to accomplish the rest. I am impressed and I feel good that I was able to reach that goal for the sake of the children.


We have enjoyed the most fabulous sunsets each night and feel the rays of sunshine shining down on us. We stay up longer. We read that one more book. We snuggle longer and more often. We say "I love you" more frequently. We try our best to let the nuances of life to roll off our backs more. (It is so easy for me to feel frustrated daily)

I am relieved to have found an answer to the dreaded question "How many children do you have?" I've personally found it easier to have a prompt ready to go when I find myself in a situation where that conversation is likely to ocme up.

I am thankful for the people who are courageous enough to revisit their own painful tragedy face to face to support me through mine. This is a journey you hope and pray that another parent never has to walk, but they do. I really have taken every word that has been shared with me to heart.

I am thankful for the folks that have gotten out the buckets and have let me cry, rant, and rave when I need to. Grief is an exhausting process for everyone involved. My life is a heavy load right now. Thank you for loving me through the pain and allowing me to evolve into the new me. The spin cycle is still on, where she stops, no one knows.

I am thankful for the time to share with friends. I cherish each and every one of you. I am also thankful for the new friendships that have been formed at the PICU. You all remain in our daily thoughts and prayers.

Thank you Jesus for giving me the mercy ,grace, and strength to get through each day. I know you are right there beside me every step of the way.

I am thankful for so much. . .

Celebrating Jeremy

One night while chatting about the day and how the week was going, I shared with Scott that I could feel myself starting to work up to Friday. It would be the day that marked two months since we left the hospital without Jeremy. It is so weird how there are times when I know exactly what sets me off and why I am crying and feeling so lost without Jeremy. Other times, it is more frustrating because I have no idea what happened. It just comes out of left field and I am left saying "Wow! Where did that come from?" I knew this would be a hard day and I was working myself up to it already early in the week.

Scott remarked how certain dates and special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and milestone days have always been important to me. I have always gone overboard trying to make those dates special, days to remember. Scott said, to him, the date wouldn't necessarily been any harder than other days, the hurt for him feels the same every day. I expressed a NEED to do something meaningful to honor Jeremy's life. I didn't know what it would be but I knew I couldn't just do the normal "ferris wheel CFO" (Chief Family Officer) activities. I think this uncertainty about what to do led to more frustration as Friday approached. Ideas were swirling in my mind.

I prayed all week and I did eventually decide on a plan. The day was deeply sad but beautiful. It was exactly what I wanted to be. We began the day celebrating the end of a wonderful week at Bible school. The children really had a good time deepening their relationship with their friend Jesus. We went home to spend some time basking in the sunshine. The weather was absolutely beautiful . A good friend brought us a delicious dinner knowing I would not want to or be able to cook a decent dinner for everyone. She also generously offered to take my older two to the store to pick out some balloons for Jeremy. We spent time reflecting on our feelings and then we wrote heartfelt messages to our beloved baby Jeremy. We drove to the cemetary. I was devasted because as usual, I forgot something. I forgot the flowers that I bought to put on Jeremy's grave. A Friday afternoon in rush hour traffic is no time to go all the way home to get flowers. Trevor and Nolan were so sweet. They each found pinecones and random flowers to place on their brother's grave to make me feel better. Meredith bent down and prayed over Jeremy and then sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and at last Jesus Loves Me. It was deeply endearing to see my children react this way on their own, without prompting or suggestion.

The one at a time we let the balloons fly up to heaven. We sent our heartfelt messages to a baby that we will never forget. A baby we will see again.

The day was also meaningful because we were able to find the strength within to visit the hospital and the wonderful medical team that so lovingly took care of Jeremy. We feel fortunate and blessed to have met each and every one of them on this journey. God certainly hand picked them to be there with us during this storm. They are amazing and have their hands in the midst of miracles every day. It was so incredibly comforting to be in their presence. It made me feel even better than I had thought. We hope and pray that Jeremy has taught them some valuable information that will empower them to save another child and return him/her to their loving family. We wanted to share with them the peace that fills our heart that they truly did their best to save our son. We are so thankful for this gift. They can only do what is humanly possible to be done, the rest is up to God. He came to receive Jeremy back to his eternal home and there was nothing else medically that could be done to change that. If any of you are reading this post, know that you will forever hold a special place in our hearts.

The day ended with another amazing gesture. Our pediatrician was thoughtful enough to take a few minutes of his time on a Friday night to call and check in with our family. I was so deeply touched that he remembered our family on this day. Our doctor, a kind human soul, reached out to say that he cared and offered some words of encouragement to our family. I am so blessed. You too have a special place in our hearts.

Thank you to everyone else out there that still prays for our family. The many "hugs" that have floated to us in many shapes and forms are STILL so greatly needed. We read every e-mail, comment on our blog, and card in our mailbox. The phone messages and offers of help are so humbling. Please forgive for not responding to everyone. Our Prayer Warriors are amazing angels here on earth. Love and God's blessing to all of you.

A special hug goes out to our family. Thank you for supporting us and loving us through this most difficult time. We know that you hurt too. We pray for the pain that fills your hearts to lessen and for your hearts to be filled with happy moments and loving memories of Jeremy.

Two Months Ago

Two months ago today we faced the most difficult day of our lives. We said "So long, until we meet again, sweet baby Jeremy. Go along sweet baby, grab ahold of Jesus' hand and don't look back. You're going to a better place. A place where you won't be sick any more. No more medicine. No more surgeries. No more ventilator. No more pain Jeremy. Mommy wants to hold you forever but I can't little one. I have just this moment to feel your heart beat against mine. This very moment that I have longed for, for so many days now. I know in my soul that I will see you again. We will be together someday, so it is not goodbye. I love you forever and ever, and always." I remember that moment vividly.


Many parents describe the initial time after a child passes as a time filled with a numbness, anesthesia if you will. You are so numb that you really don't remember the details or feel the intense pain. You are walking around with your heart in shock. Every day is filled with disbelief that something so tragic could really happen. Well it did and the anesthesia and numbness has worn off. The pain has set in and grabbed a tight hold on my heart. I remember everything! My mind replays the moments spent with Jeremy in the hospital over and over and it is all consuming. Some people very close to me have been working tirelessly to help me release the guilt that I feel so strongly. A mother's guilt that I am ultimately responsible for what happened to Jeremy. They make perfect sense but my heart still needs convincing.

I don't recognize myself sometimes. I feel like I am trapped behind a glass barrier watching what once was my life from the outside. Things that I once enjoyed bring little happiness and have little or no meaning anymore. Of course I am referring to things, material, tangible things here on earth, not my precious children. I've been told to keep trying them, eventually they will bring that joy again. In a strange and weird way, this tragedy has brought me to think I am and will be a better person because of it. I feel lost most days. I feel an energy source that belonged to Jeremy. I don't know what to do with that energy. I do know that God is calling me to something, something important and meaningful, I just don't know what it is. Either I am not supposed to know about it yet or I haven't been quiet enough to hear God whisper his direction to me. Scott and I have hopes to use our Jeremy energy and his memory to help others. It is exciting to think all the ways that could happen.

I've been reading a lot of books lately. Books that are not on the New York Times bestseller list. Books that most of you will God willing never read. I have stumbled on the same thought presented more than once. Each time it brings me to my knees in prayer. It goes something like this. Let this really sink in. Beth Moore writes " If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because HE has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up." I have really needed to be in deep prayer about this. Well first, I don't remember volunteering to be chosen. I didn't want this. I want my beautiful, happy, perfect life back. I HAD everything that I could have ever wanted and then some. I want it back. Just give me what was already mine, nothing more, nothing less. You gave it to me once, just give it back.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. He did choose me, he chose Jeremy, he chose Scott, etc. I know all of this will make sense one day. God does not make mistakes. He does know what he is doing even if I don't. He will help me and sustain me. I can just feel that he has something up his sleeve for me. Something great. Sometimes I feel guilty for fighting that calling because all I really want is my son back. Then I also feel a need to get out my umbrella. Jesus, bring the rain, bring whatever it is that brings you glory. I trust you and your plan for my life. You already have this worked out. You are good all the time. You have my Jeremy and he is okay. He is happy and content in your loving embrace. You left me here to fulfill my purpose. I need to live a life full of purpose to bring you glory. I have a choice."

Many people have commented that they haven't seen us out much. We're out, but there is strategy involved. I thank everyone that has continued to reach out to us. Your efforts to show such compassion and thoughtfulness continues to be greatly appreciated. Thank you for loving me as I evolve into a new person. A mom who is trying to be the best parent I can to three precious children here on earth and learning to live with one in heaven. You continue to make such a difference in our lives. I am so consumed with Jeremy and missing him so much that I forget even the simplest things. My patience is tested every day. Then, when I forget something, it's even more frustrating. I also seem to have trouble completing even the simplest of everyday tasks. I worry what the school year will bring when even more order and routine are demanded of us. I just hope and pray that in some ways that structure and routine will provide healing for us too.

So I am okay for someone who is not okay.