Celebrating Jeremy

One night while chatting about the day and how the week was going, I shared with Scott that I could feel myself starting to work up to Friday. It would be the day that marked two months since we left the hospital without Jeremy. It is so weird how there are times when I know exactly what sets me off and why I am crying and feeling so lost without Jeremy. Other times, it is more frustrating because I have no idea what happened. It just comes out of left field and I am left saying "Wow! Where did that come from?" I knew this would be a hard day and I was working myself up to it already early in the week.

Scott remarked how certain dates and special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and milestone days have always been important to me. I have always gone overboard trying to make those dates special, days to remember. Scott said, to him, the date wouldn't necessarily been any harder than other days, the hurt for him feels the same every day. I expressed a NEED to do something meaningful to honor Jeremy's life. I didn't know what it would be but I knew I couldn't just do the normal "ferris wheel CFO" (Chief Family Officer) activities. I think this uncertainty about what to do led to more frustration as Friday approached. Ideas were swirling in my mind.

I prayed all week and I did eventually decide on a plan. The day was deeply sad but beautiful. It was exactly what I wanted to be. We began the day celebrating the end of a wonderful week at Bible school. The children really had a good time deepening their relationship with their friend Jesus. We went home to spend some time basking in the sunshine. The weather was absolutely beautiful . A good friend brought us a delicious dinner knowing I would not want to or be able to cook a decent dinner for everyone. She also generously offered to take my older two to the store to pick out some balloons for Jeremy. We spent time reflecting on our feelings and then we wrote heartfelt messages to our beloved baby Jeremy. We drove to the cemetary. I was devasted because as usual, I forgot something. I forgot the flowers that I bought to put on Jeremy's grave. A Friday afternoon in rush hour traffic is no time to go all the way home to get flowers. Trevor and Nolan were so sweet. They each found pinecones and random flowers to place on their brother's grave to make me feel better. Meredith bent down and prayed over Jeremy and then sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and at last Jesus Loves Me. It was deeply endearing to see my children react this way on their own, without prompting or suggestion.

The one at a time we let the balloons fly up to heaven. We sent our heartfelt messages to a baby that we will never forget. A baby we will see again.

The day was also meaningful because we were able to find the strength within to visit the hospital and the wonderful medical team that so lovingly took care of Jeremy. We feel fortunate and blessed to have met each and every one of them on this journey. God certainly hand picked them to be there with us during this storm. They are amazing and have their hands in the midst of miracles every day. It was so incredibly comforting to be in their presence. It made me feel even better than I had thought. We hope and pray that Jeremy has taught them some valuable information that will empower them to save another child and return him/her to their loving family. We wanted to share with them the peace that fills our heart that they truly did their best to save our son. We are so thankful for this gift. They can only do what is humanly possible to be done, the rest is up to God. He came to receive Jeremy back to his eternal home and there was nothing else medically that could be done to change that. If any of you are reading this post, know that you will forever hold a special place in our hearts.

The day ended with another amazing gesture. Our pediatrician was thoughtful enough to take a few minutes of his time on a Friday night to call and check in with our family. I was so deeply touched that he remembered our family on this day. Our doctor, a kind human soul, reached out to say that he cared and offered some words of encouragement to our family. I am so blessed. You too have a special place in our hearts.

Thank you to everyone else out there that still prays for our family. The many "hugs" that have floated to us in many shapes and forms are STILL so greatly needed. We read every e-mail, comment on our blog, and card in our mailbox. The phone messages and offers of help are so humbling. Please forgive for not responding to everyone. Our Prayer Warriors are amazing angels here on earth. Love and God's blessing to all of you.

A special hug goes out to our family. Thank you for supporting us and loving us through this most difficult time. We know that you hurt too. We pray for the pain that fills your hearts to lessen and for your hearts to be filled with happy moments and loving memories of Jeremy.