Dear Jeremy,
Hugs and kisses sweet little man. XXXXOOO You always looked like such a little man. Your hair was amazing! It fooled a lot of people trying to guess your age. Your hair was full, thick, and it just fell naturally into a hairstyle that left many thinking that we had just had it cut. All of it was completely natural and just the way that God made you. I also think you had such depth to your face and to the expressions that you made. It seemed like you knew more about life than anyone ever knew. Knowing what I know now, I think that you must have. OH how I wish we were better able to communicate back then. Perhaps then maybe your story would have ended differently.
I am having a hard time writing with the past tense today. I do not like writing about things that have already happened and events that lie completely in the past. I do not like wondering about what might have been. I want to write about real stories from today and look forward to a thousand tomorrows. I long to see you and to know more about you.
You would be 23 months old today. It is the last time that we parents count our children's ages in months. You would be turning two years old soon and then three, four, etc. You would be... that could be a story in itself.
I see the possibilities of a life shared with you on earth all around me every day. It pains me deeply to be without you. I am still embracing my grief for I know that is the ticket to healing. I am working really hard to examine my grief and to shift my thinking so I can see a whole new perspective of the way things are and the way that things will be in the years to come. I remain committed to healing in a healthy way for me, your Daddy, and your siblings. It is long and hard work.
The possibilities of what you do each day in heaven and in the presence of God fascinates and comforts me. I think often how you don't hurt at all, how you are simply perfect, how you are running, laughing, and playing with many of the angel children we have come to know and love. Our families have become friends as we all share a common bond grieving the loss of our children. We have learned to lean a little on each other for strength and support. I wonder what all of you children must be like together. I wonder how you are spending time with other members of our family that have gone on before us too. I wonder how badly you wish you could share with me even a glimpse of how wonderful heaven really is, because then I truly wouldn't be sad at all. It is a faith journey that I must travel on my own.
All positive and faithful thinking aside I am still sad sometimes, okay a lot. I am trying to live life the best way I know how, all the while, hoping to honor you and to bring glory to God. I sincerely hope there is some understanding that I am at least trying to lead a good life.
I know that you would want me to live my life fully and with great joy. You made it possible for us to see the world from a different lens. We see more clearly and more powerfully the heart of the matter surrounding many if not all of life experiences.
Jeremy, here or there, you remain a part of me and you always will. You will always be my little man. I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten you today on such a milestone day. I will never forget, not today, not tomorrow, not ever!
My Deepest Love to You On the Wings of Angels,
Mommy
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