A Chance Meeting?

Living in the moment. This has been a survival tool for our family. We wake up, we get dressed, and we face the day and all that each dawn brings. A few years ago, I would not have described myself as spontaneous. Today, I would say, it is a way of life for me. I still like routines and the structure they bring but I do not like commitments made for our schedule. I am still very much living day by day. I like being able to make decisions based on my level of strength each day and make plans for the day with a more spontaneous framework. The only downfall to this survival tactic is that it doesn't always work well with trying to plan get togethers with other friends and families.

We woke up and decided that today would be a good day to head to the fair. Daddy went to work and the kids and I got some errands done. We planned to meet up later in the late afternoon for some family fun at the fair.

The fair is minutes from the cemetery where my sweet son is laid to rest. It is very difficult for me to be that close to the cemetery and not stop by to spend some time at Jeremy's grave. Last year, we planned to go to the fair first and then stop at the cemetery on the way home. At the time, we thought it would be too hard to face the pain at the cemetery and then try to switch gears to have fun at the fair. The fair was okay last year or at least what I can remember of it, but afterwards, the kids were spent, it was dark, there were lots of mosquitoes, and in the end, the plan failed. I remember feeling sad at the end of the evening that we needed to drive past the cemetery and go home.

This year, we tried the opposite. We did make the stop at the cemetery first. I had been feeling a strong desire to go for about a week now but for many reasons was unable to go. My parents picked some flowers from their garden for us to take and I looked forward to making the time to spend at Jeremy's grave.


It hasn't gotten a bit easier after all this time for my feet to stand there at the foot of his grave and to know that my baby is gone from this world. My oldest child said " It would be really great if Jeremy could come with us to the fair too." So we talked about how wonderful that would be indeed. We talked about how we thought Jeremy would be there with us just like he is present in our hearts every day. With a lump in my throat and a trembling voice, I told my oldest child that, if given the chance, Jeremy would not come to the fair with us. I explained that Jeremy wouldn't want to leave heaven because it is so very wonderful there. The idea seemed to make my oldest think a bit...

So we lovingly placed the flowers in the vase and found a few moments of sunshine which surprised us all. There were very tiny yellow flowers blooming all around his grave. Flowers that to most would be weeds, but to us, at that moment, were a gift of sunshine. There was also a little stuffed rabbit that we have been able to keep at Jeremy's grave since Easter. We thought it was gone today, but at last, it appeared when we pulled out the vase. We all laughed a little, something that I'd never thought we would experience in that place. It almost felt like Jeremy was there playing a little game, like little ones often do, and it felt good to imagine that image of him smiling and laughing with us. We parted and hopped into the car leaving a little more of our hearts behind as we do each and every time we leave.

Then it was off to the fair. Just as I expected, it was hard switching gears. It was hard balancing the thoughts in my head and staying present at the fair. It was a rough start at first, but we did reach the point fairly quickly where somehow we fell into that place of acceptance over what had happened. The sight of babies was bothering me more than usual but I figured that was to be expected. We were able to have fun and enjoy all that the fair had to offer but it wasn't without missing that special part of our family. I have worked really hard to get to the place where I am today. It took more work tonight but I succeeded at being able to stay at the fair. We succeeded.

The provision of finding sunflowers and sunshines in random places and also running into warm and friendly familiar faces helped ease the pain. We ran into one of our pediatricians which was a funny experience and made us all smile. A few other friends spread sunshine on our hearts too! Overall each interaction we had with folks tonight did more good to our souls than the other party probably even realized at the time. Thanks be to God.

On the way out, we saw one of Jeremy's doctors and her family. It was truly wonderful to see her and catch up for a few moments. It felt really good to share the moment in time with her today. We shared that space as family to family, heart to heart, and not focused so much anymore on doctor to patient. From the beginning, she was part of our PICU family. At the time, we had seen no other way to experience what we did there within the walls of that PICU, without thinking of them as family. We handed them our son and our trust to do their best to help Jeremy in ways that we could not. We were a team focused on Jeremy's best interests and needs. They were all part of our extended family then and they remain as such today.

It made me smile when we saw her and I was excited for the opportunity to say hello and share a hug! Right behind that warm moment and only briefly, it came though, the thought of how it would be if Jeremy were alive and here with us today. I wondered how rewarding it must be for the doctors to see and hear from the kids that survive and how their life stories continue when they are discharged from the hospital. I had dreamt about that moment for Jeremy and it was that very dream that gave hope for me to get through some very painful days. I truly wanted nothing more than to carry my son out of that place alive and for us to visit and share all of the stories of his progress over time. Tonight it hurt for a second when I was reminded that my dream as I knew it did not come true. Then something rather phenomenal happened. Just as peacefully as the thought came about what it would be like if Jeremy were alive, I was reminded that our prayers were answered after all. A peaceful feeling came over me and filled my soul. My dream did come true just not exactly the way I had imagined. Details surrounding that dream perhaps will be shared in another post but let's just say that it has more to do with letting go again.

We prayed for God's will to be done and it was. Not our will but His will. I did pray for my heart to accept God's will but I must admit as any mother would, I did not want my son to die. We prayed for God to guide this doctor's (and all the others involved with Jeremy's care) hands, heart, and mind as she lovingly cared for my son's medical needs. She did that and more... She loved my son and she extended that love and compassion to us too. She was chosen to be an important player in God's masterpiece named Jeremy. So tonight now that I am home and trying to work all this out in my mind by writing about my experience, I find myself praying for that peace that passes all understanding to remain in my soul. I am praying that as she lays her head down to sleep that she feels God's gentle spirit of peace within her own heart. I pray that she sees that Jeremy is a success story even though his life on earth ended. He WON! I pray that she does not feel that Jeremy's time spent in the PICU was failed in any way, we certainly do not. It would be a whole other blog post for me to list the millions of ways that Jeremy's life was perfect in every way and to tell about the mark that he left in the hearts of so many. Jeremy completed his purpose on this earth and did so much to bring glory and honor to God and for this I am proud. This particular doctor was hand chosen to be a part of Jeremy's story here on earth and, I for one, am honored to have shared the journey with her.

Tonight, the tears flows from my eyes as I relive the moments spent with Jeremy in the PICU, but my heart remembers love. Tonight I particularly remember the many ways that this special doctor showed love to Jeremy and to us. Many of these moments even make me smile as I am writing. As I am allowing myself to remember the many moments that she was a part of this journey, I feel very fortunate that God blessed Jeremy and us with her presence, wisdom, love, compassion, warmth, and strength. After all this time has passed, I am also amazed at how God used her and that brief encounter this evening at the fair to illustrate His image of Jeremy's story more clearly to me tonight. I am ever so grateful for the gift of replacing a painful memory and renewing my mind to see a warm memory in it's place.


Many might say that running into each of our friends, pediatricians, and particularly Jeremy's doctor, were after all, only chance meetings tonight at the fair, but I see it as otherwise. There were thousands of people at the fair tonight. One second spent differently in either direction and our paths may never have crossed. I choose to see our crossing of paths as yet another provision, another gift in the road of healing from this hurt, and yet another tidbit of the story that will one day be completely revealed.

Tonight was a gift from God. I am grateful for the walk with Him, what I learned along the way, and the healing that transcended as a result. I am unsure whether this writing reflects in any way what has happened in my soul but I pray that it does.

I am never surprised but always AMAZED at how God works in my life and the ways He continuously shows his tender love, grace, and mercy to me. His presence has been constant and unwavering each and every step of the way. The lessons He has chosen along the twists and turns have been just what I needed each and every time. Why am I surprised? He knows best...

Simple Summer Joy

These friends sadly won't be sticking around for much longer. Their part of my world will be drawing to a close. The flip flops shown have been my favorite shoe of choice this summer. I adore flip flops anyway, but this was my favorite pair and to say that I have worn them out is an understatement. I have gorilla glued them and even tried super glue three times. It's sadly time to let them go.

My favorite lip gloss was in limited supply last year and I knew then that it wouldn't be long before it was discontinued all together. Hubby doesn't quite understand my sadness parting with my glossy friend. Anyone else out there able to relate with a discontinued beauty product? What am I to do? I've been searching but havent found anything close to this color...

Hydrangeas are hands down my favorite summer flower. These very blossoms pictured were a gift since my backyard hydrangea bush stopped producing blooms weeks ago and the deer are eating the other plants. We've had some rain recently and I guess the hydrangea bush decided to make an encore blooming. I am delighted to have these small vases one more time this summer before having to say good-bye until next year.

Letting Go-Garden Edition

Between the scorching heat and the wild animals, we aren't finding ourselves too successful at getting our sunflower memorial garden to grow this year. I am sad.

To be truthful, it really bothers me. We all enjoyed tending to the garden and watching the fruits of our labor grow inch by inch last summer. We could see the beautiful garden from our kitchen table and the sunflowers brought welcomed joy to our eyes with each pass by the windows.

That was then and this is now...I've been here before. I've done what I could to recreate something that provided sustained comfort for our family last summer but it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason this year. It is what it is...now I must let it go. There are a handful of plants that may surprise me and bloom this year but we'll have to wait and see. Time will tell.

To make matters worse, there was a house in our neighborhood that planted sunflowers on a hill near the side of the road. I have been known to go out of my way just to drive past the sunflowers while they were blooming. I was looking forward to that garden this year too. Imagine my anticipation when I saw green growth and my excitement for the yellow rays of sunshine grew even greater with each pass by their home. Guess what is growing on that hillside this year? Watermelons! I've now lost count of just how many watermelons are growing on that hill. I am disappointed, but after all, it is not my place to tell someone else what to plant in their gardens.

Even funnier is that three near and dears have shared with me that they have sunflowers growing in their gardens that they did not plant this year. Thank you for sharing the stories and the pictures with me Jen, Erin, and Mom and Dad!

Today I am left to look beyond my garden and my realm of control to find peace and joy. I am stepping out more and more each day into a world where I never ever expected to feel joy again. It's a little like training for a race. The challenge rarely stays the same and periodically over time the challenges increase in difficulty. For the longest time, I have stayed in control of the elements in my life so that I could cope with day to day life. I've controlled the outside elements by cocooning and protecting myself from anything else that would inflict more pain on a very raw wound. I controlled what I did, who I saw, what we watched on television, and what I read just to name a few. Well...perhaps I am standing stronger now than I give myself credit for and I am indeed ready for more work and challenge in this new adventure as the new and improved me. Perhaps I am challenged to cocoon less, feel more, and to balance the pain of more triggers that are out and about in my every day life. Perhaps this has been my newest challenge?

My choice instead of being angry about the lack of growth in my garden will be to instead focus on the growth in my soul. Isn't that more important anyway? I have come a long way! Beginning this very moment, I will keep an eye out for those sunflowers growing elsewhere this summer and I will soak up those random moments of joy when they pop up in my world. Have you ever noticed how the blossoms of a sunflower face the sun and the heavens? Each blossom will remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, for it is HE that can truly give me the peace that I so desperatelly need and seek from day to day. I will choose to see the sunflowers as welcomed Rays of Sunshine and to embrace those reminders of a small but powerful life that left a deep impact on many in this world. I love you sweet son of mine...I always will...

A Tomato Kind of Day

Funny how a person who once upon a time didn't really like tomatoes much at all, today, creates a whole dinner menu around that very ingredient.

What's for dinner you ask?

Why Tomato Pie and Tomato Soup.

I even have a few tomatoes left over from the Farmer's Market this week. If time allows, I plan to make a homemade fresh tomato and mozzarella pasta dish sometime soon.

MMmm.

Dinner is ready and we're off to the pool. What could be better?
If only...

Heavens Party

I happened to peek outside of the window when it was teeth brushing time in our house. There just aren't words to descibe the beauty in what I saw outside our window. It literally took my breath away.

There is a reason people say "Outta the mouths of babes!"

"Oh Mom! Heaven's having a party! " said my middle child when she caught a glimpse of the sunset sky.

She was right indeed.

Bacon Cider Pork

Hot? I know, I know, it is summer after all. It was down right steamy here where we live today. My skin was sticky and when that happens, I am in no mood to cook anything in the oven for dinner.

Our monthly meal swap crept up under my feet again this month.
My assignment-pork.
My challenge was to find a recipe which would not require us to turn on our ovens.
My result- Bacon Cider Pork

Ingredients:
Trim, cut, and season one pork tenderloin (1- 1 1/2 lbs) - I used boneless pork chops since they were on sale and cut them in half.

Wrap each pork steak in a strip of bacon
olive oil to saute pork
1/4 cup shallots minced
1/2 cup of cider or apple juice
2 T unsalted cold butter sliced
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
Trim tenderloin of fat and silverskin and cut into steaks about 1 1/2 inches thick. Season with salt and pepper.

Wrap each steak in a strip of bacon and secure with a toothpick. Heat oil in a saucepan over medium heat. Saute pork for 5 mins. per side or until browned. Tip the steaks on their edges to to brown the bacon, rolling them until they brown, about 3 minutes total. Cover and finish cooking to an internal temp. of 145 degrees., about 5 mins. Remove pork and keep warm. Pour all but about 1 T of the pan drippings.

Saute shallots for 2 mins in the same pan, stirring constantly. Deglaze pan with cider, scraping up the brown bits and simmer for two minutes. Then add butter, swirling until butter melts. Return pork to pan along with any accumulated juices and season sauce with salt and pepper.

Serves 4 (2 steaks per person)

The recipe suggests serving the pork with Marmalade Sweet Potatoes and a second side of spinach. I must say the picture looks very pretty with the variety of colors in the meal, which by the way, means lots of good healthy vitamins!

Cut 2-3 Sweet Potatoes into strips like steak fries.
Toss in 1/2 cup of Orange Marmalade that has been melted
salt to taste

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Wrap inside of baking sheet with foil and coat with non-stick spray.

Cut potatoes into wedges and toss with marmalade. Season with salt. Arrange on a single layer on a baking sheet and roast for 35 minutes or until fork tender. Turn once.

I plan to use my toaster oven to make the Sweet Potatoes.

Would you please share any family friendly recipes you have for hot weather?
Thanks.

Super Saturdays

interrupted sleep

overslept and missed the Swim Team photos AND warm ups

upset child having missed said photo

I forgave myself almost immediately... which almost never happens

I finally made it to the meet only to discover we forgot a few items...AHHH

small child at home begins throwing up

Plan B for the day begins to unfold...


RETAKE

deep breaths

I GET to have an interrupted night's sleep because there are three living children in our house.


I can't remember the last time I overslept and was late for something. I may be late for events or arrive at the eleventh hour, but thankfully being this late is not a regular pattern for our family. We missed the photo and warm ups and not any of the swimming events. There really are worse things in life...


Sure, the photo would have been nice but the memories made from the swim team this summer will linger forever in our hearts. I've taken a few pictures of my own throughout the meets this season as evidence that we really swam this year. Besides, we can still order the photo and remember our other swim team friends and coaches.


Maybe we lost the meet and didn't improve our times but my daughter did GET to swim AND we had fun today! There are many children who would give anything to swim. They wouldn't take for granted the simple blessing of just being healthy enough to swim and to be able to get to the other side of the pool. Neither would their parents. As far as I am concerned, we did WIN in all the ways that really matter.


Little one throwing up is most likely an irritating little bug in our house. I am sorry that he is sick but I have also painfully learned perspective. I think I managed to balance my natural tendency to worry and to have the big picture. Again, many would gladly take this bug over some of the other mountains they are facing. Insert prayers here for Mandi, Matthew, and James.

I was also thankful and grateful to have a husband to balance the scale of need. One person cannot be in two places at once. Insert special prayers for Julie and others facing a new life of single parenthood.


I love swim meets. I love seeing the community pull together for the good of our kids and have fun swimming. There's no doubt that a lot of hard work and time gets put into making the day happen. My belief is to find some way, big or small, to be a part of the action. Trust me, the experience that you leave with will be far richer for we are stronger when we all work together...

My volunteer position allowed me to meet a mom who had previously been a friendly face at the pool for a few years. I enjoyed meeting her officially and learned we shared some things in common. While doing our job, we also learned our families are both facing the challenge of grieving the loss of an immediate family member. Our situations were different but the pain was understood. Insert evidence of my own growth. There have times in the past that I would have avoided any and all conversation with a new person. There have been times that I have been a mess worried about having to answer the "How many kids do you have?" question...I answered today with a strong heart. I was even strong enough to revisit periods of my own early days of grief and flip back to the present time of today without crying. (Tomorrow could very well be a different story and that would be okay too.)


Due to our late arrival, we needed to look harder for some shade from the hot sun. A blessing in disguise unfolded and we discovered we liked our new spot. In fact, we didn't know what we were missing. The temperature was much cooler and there was a delightful breeze in our new location. Thanks to the W family for your help in locating our shady spot for the day!


I enjoyed visiting with friends at the pool and watching the smiles abounding in slow motion it seemed...


Still more grateful heart moments...


I have become in contact with a few people to help me get our foundation off the ground and running. I can hardly contain my excitement and yet I am nervous too. I want so badly for this new venture to be successful and for it to be done well. I fear my emotions will be a weakness.


I was also approached by a young man who sold homemade donuts (YUM!) and who wanted to donate his proceeds to charity. His choice? Yep, you guessed it. He wanted his proceeds to help spread "Rays of Sunshine" to critically ill children and their families. Honestly folks, it really doesn't get any sweeter and more pure than to witness the heart of a child ministering to the hearts of others in need. Thank you N! Please thank your other team members and your parents too for helping us to make a such a difference in the lives of children in need of your help! Your efforts will shine hope on other kids who need it most!



Swimmer girl ended up having a great day and so did the boys at home. Grandparents blessed us by lending their support too. Swimmer girl tried a new stroke and did very well. I am so proud.

So for a day that sure started off very cloudy, the sun sure did SHINE!!

What a difference it makes looking for sunshine rather than focusing on the clouds. Jeremy, all these many months later, we still remember one of the lessons that you taught us so well, to always hang on to the sunshine. It's there, you might have to look harder for it some days than others but if you look, you will find it.

Wishing you a sunny and Grateful Heart day!

**Had high hopes to post on Saturday but didn't quite make the cut.