A Chance Meeting?

Living in the moment. This has been a survival tool for our family. We wake up, we get dressed, and we face the day and all that each dawn brings. A few years ago, I would not have described myself as spontaneous. Today, I would say, it is a way of life for me. I still like routines and the structure they bring but I do not like commitments made for our schedule. I am still very much living day by day. I like being able to make decisions based on my level of strength each day and make plans for the day with a more spontaneous framework. The only downfall to this survival tactic is that it doesn't always work well with trying to plan get togethers with other friends and families.

We woke up and decided that today would be a good day to head to the fair. Daddy went to work and the kids and I got some errands done. We planned to meet up later in the late afternoon for some family fun at the fair.

The fair is minutes from the cemetery where my sweet son is laid to rest. It is very difficult for me to be that close to the cemetery and not stop by to spend some time at Jeremy's grave. Last year, we planned to go to the fair first and then stop at the cemetery on the way home. At the time, we thought it would be too hard to face the pain at the cemetery and then try to switch gears to have fun at the fair. The fair was okay last year or at least what I can remember of it, but afterwards, the kids were spent, it was dark, there were lots of mosquitoes, and in the end, the plan failed. I remember feeling sad at the end of the evening that we needed to drive past the cemetery and go home.

This year, we tried the opposite. We did make the stop at the cemetery first. I had been feeling a strong desire to go for about a week now but for many reasons was unable to go. My parents picked some flowers from their garden for us to take and I looked forward to making the time to spend at Jeremy's grave.


It hasn't gotten a bit easier after all this time for my feet to stand there at the foot of his grave and to know that my baby is gone from this world. My oldest child said " It would be really great if Jeremy could come with us to the fair too." So we talked about how wonderful that would be indeed. We talked about how we thought Jeremy would be there with us just like he is present in our hearts every day. With a lump in my throat and a trembling voice, I told my oldest child that, if given the chance, Jeremy would not come to the fair with us. I explained that Jeremy wouldn't want to leave heaven because it is so very wonderful there. The idea seemed to make my oldest think a bit...

So we lovingly placed the flowers in the vase and found a few moments of sunshine which surprised us all. There were very tiny yellow flowers blooming all around his grave. Flowers that to most would be weeds, but to us, at that moment, were a gift of sunshine. There was also a little stuffed rabbit that we have been able to keep at Jeremy's grave since Easter. We thought it was gone today, but at last, it appeared when we pulled out the vase. We all laughed a little, something that I'd never thought we would experience in that place. It almost felt like Jeremy was there playing a little game, like little ones often do, and it felt good to imagine that image of him smiling and laughing with us. We parted and hopped into the car leaving a little more of our hearts behind as we do each and every time we leave.

Then it was off to the fair. Just as I expected, it was hard switching gears. It was hard balancing the thoughts in my head and staying present at the fair. It was a rough start at first, but we did reach the point fairly quickly where somehow we fell into that place of acceptance over what had happened. The sight of babies was bothering me more than usual but I figured that was to be expected. We were able to have fun and enjoy all that the fair had to offer but it wasn't without missing that special part of our family. I have worked really hard to get to the place where I am today. It took more work tonight but I succeeded at being able to stay at the fair. We succeeded.

The provision of finding sunflowers and sunshines in random places and also running into warm and friendly familiar faces helped ease the pain. We ran into one of our pediatricians which was a funny experience and made us all smile. A few other friends spread sunshine on our hearts too! Overall each interaction we had with folks tonight did more good to our souls than the other party probably even realized at the time. Thanks be to God.

On the way out, we saw one of Jeremy's doctors and her family. It was truly wonderful to see her and catch up for a few moments. It felt really good to share the moment in time with her today. We shared that space as family to family, heart to heart, and not focused so much anymore on doctor to patient. From the beginning, she was part of our PICU family. At the time, we had seen no other way to experience what we did there within the walls of that PICU, without thinking of them as family. We handed them our son and our trust to do their best to help Jeremy in ways that we could not. We were a team focused on Jeremy's best interests and needs. They were all part of our extended family then and they remain as such today.

It made me smile when we saw her and I was excited for the opportunity to say hello and share a hug! Right behind that warm moment and only briefly, it came though, the thought of how it would be if Jeremy were alive and here with us today. I wondered how rewarding it must be for the doctors to see and hear from the kids that survive and how their life stories continue when they are discharged from the hospital. I had dreamt about that moment for Jeremy and it was that very dream that gave hope for me to get through some very painful days. I truly wanted nothing more than to carry my son out of that place alive and for us to visit and share all of the stories of his progress over time. Tonight it hurt for a second when I was reminded that my dream as I knew it did not come true. Then something rather phenomenal happened. Just as peacefully as the thought came about what it would be like if Jeremy were alive, I was reminded that our prayers were answered after all. A peaceful feeling came over me and filled my soul. My dream did come true just not exactly the way I had imagined. Details surrounding that dream perhaps will be shared in another post but let's just say that it has more to do with letting go again.

We prayed for God's will to be done and it was. Not our will but His will. I did pray for my heart to accept God's will but I must admit as any mother would, I did not want my son to die. We prayed for God to guide this doctor's (and all the others involved with Jeremy's care) hands, heart, and mind as she lovingly cared for my son's medical needs. She did that and more... She loved my son and she extended that love and compassion to us too. She was chosen to be an important player in God's masterpiece named Jeremy. So tonight now that I am home and trying to work all this out in my mind by writing about my experience, I find myself praying for that peace that passes all understanding to remain in my soul. I am praying that as she lays her head down to sleep that she feels God's gentle spirit of peace within her own heart. I pray that she sees that Jeremy is a success story even though his life on earth ended. He WON! I pray that she does not feel that Jeremy's time spent in the PICU was failed in any way, we certainly do not. It would be a whole other blog post for me to list the millions of ways that Jeremy's life was perfect in every way and to tell about the mark that he left in the hearts of so many. Jeremy completed his purpose on this earth and did so much to bring glory and honor to God and for this I am proud. This particular doctor was hand chosen to be a part of Jeremy's story here on earth and, I for one, am honored to have shared the journey with her.

Tonight, the tears flows from my eyes as I relive the moments spent with Jeremy in the PICU, but my heart remembers love. Tonight I particularly remember the many ways that this special doctor showed love to Jeremy and to us. Many of these moments even make me smile as I am writing. As I am allowing myself to remember the many moments that she was a part of this journey, I feel very fortunate that God blessed Jeremy and us with her presence, wisdom, love, compassion, warmth, and strength. After all this time has passed, I am also amazed at how God used her and that brief encounter this evening at the fair to illustrate His image of Jeremy's story more clearly to me tonight. I am ever so grateful for the gift of replacing a painful memory and renewing my mind to see a warm memory in it's place.


Many might say that running into each of our friends, pediatricians, and particularly Jeremy's doctor, were after all, only chance meetings tonight at the fair, but I see it as otherwise. There were thousands of people at the fair tonight. One second spent differently in either direction and our paths may never have crossed. I choose to see our crossing of paths as yet another provision, another gift in the road of healing from this hurt, and yet another tidbit of the story that will one day be completely revealed.

Tonight was a gift from God. I am grateful for the walk with Him, what I learned along the way, and the healing that transcended as a result. I am unsure whether this writing reflects in any way what has happened in my soul but I pray that it does.

I am never surprised but always AMAZED at how God works in my life and the ways He continuously shows his tender love, grace, and mercy to me. His presence has been constant and unwavering each and every step of the way. The lessons He has chosen along the twists and turns have been just what I needed each and every time. Why am I surprised? He knows best...