Angel Mail # 14

Dear Jeremy,

You are deeply missed. I miss you on the ordinary days like today. I miss seeing you run around the yard with your siblings gearing up for soccer season. I miss your messy face at the dinner table. I miss knowing what your likes and dislikes with food would be. I miss your tender bedtime routines. I miss all of you.

I am angry too. I was trying to simply clear off my desk so I could scrapbook and instead was left with grief that threatened to suffocate me tonight. I am angry when I see your beautiful face in a photograph and all I really want is to see your eyes looking back into mine in real life. I am angry when I see the beautiful moments that I missed during this mess...I am angry when your "moments" are in a box. There aren't any more moments to be had with you and that makes me angry too.

I am sad to part with yet more of your things tomorrow. A truck is coming to take them away and part of my heart will go along with it.

I am angry that this grief robs me of being able to completely enjoy today. I am angry that I can't seem to shake it sometimes.

I am sad that school is starting. You were supposed to be one year behind your brother. This year you would have been in the Three Year Old class and your brother would be in the Fours. I am sad.

It is hard to be here. It is hard to miss you and for my heart to go on without you. It is hard to see so much of what was mine and what has been lost all around me.

I am hoping that part of Letting Go also means allowing myself to grieve you. I won't fight it today. I think I'll just cry and let it all out today.

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy