15

Tomorrow is the last day of February. Can you believe it? I went outside a few moments ago to close my car windows. It is drizzling and I actually took a few deep breaths to see if I could smell the scent of newly fallen rain on the ground. It was there. It is warmer outside today than it has been lately and combined with the smell of rain, I am reminded that spring is on it's way.

That thought just triggered my memory to an amazing e-mail that I have seen many times and in many versions. Just maybe I am being prompted to revisit that story today. I invite you to do the same if you wish.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/s/smellofrain.htm I tried, I am not as tech savy as I thought. I think if you try searching for the smell of rain story, you will find it. If anyone out there knows how to add links like this within text, please share!

Anyway... things are pretty hard right now. To further complicate that, Jeremy would be turning fifteen months on the 30th of this month if there were 30 days in February. I am a date person. The end of the month just brought memories of Jeremy turning a month older except there are only 28 days in February so I though of it now as the month is drawing to a close. I love my children every day and view them as true gifts from God at any age. For me, there is just something about that age at fifteen months that warms my soul. I love this age. I reflected that age with each of my other children and grew sad today thinking about what Jeremy would be like at this age.

What kind of personality would have had? What things would he do just like his siblings or what things would be different and specific to him? Obviously he liked getting lots of attention. But what else would I know about him today? What would have been his favorite toy? Those kind of thoughts are swirling in my head and in my heart today.

To comfort myself, I force myself to turn toward wondering what things he experiences in heaven. I wonder what he looks like now. I wonder if he sees us here on earth. I wonder about so very many things, things that I will never have the real answers to until I get to heaven myself.

I know God makes no mistakes with his children. I know what happened to Jeremy happened for a reason and for his own good. I am at peace with knowing that he is safe and with Jesus where nothing can ever hurt him. But...My mom heart still wants him here on earth, in my arms, playing with his siblings, taking his place in our family, using the sixth chair at our table, and experiencing life as a normal 15 month old baby boy. I don't think that will ever change.

So I don't feel like that story came to my mind by coincidence today. Maybe, just maybe, God and Jeremy wanted me to "smell" that they were here with me today and that everything is okay. Maybe God wanted me to know that he is with me, guiding me through this terribly painful time in my life. Maybe he wanted me to know that Jeremy is safe in his care until I see him again... God has been here all along.

Highs and Lows

Highs and lows ebb like the tides in the ocean. I have mentioned before that it is exhausting to "feel" so much within any given day.

*Background- Once you walk a mile in the shoes we have, you NEVER forget anything. You don't forget the faces, the smells, the sounds, the sights, etc.from the days in the hospital. We were very blessed by the relationships that were formed in the hospital while Jeremy was sick. We formed very close bonds with many families and could not imagine what that experience would have been like without their support. We remain in contact with many of the families that we connected with last year. We continue to pray for each and every one of these special children, even the ones that we have lost touch with. We pray for all of the children in the PICU daily and for the medical teams charged with their care.


So without further delay, here are the highs: (All in one 1/2 days)

Our sweet friend E has been discharged from the hospital after surgery on Tuesday. She is doing well and will make the journey home tomorrow.

Another friend J. has finally been given a room after hanging out in the ER for awhile. How comfortable could that be? He seems to be responding to treatment and as of this afternoon , had shown some improvement. So we will pray that this will be a short stay for him this time.

My two year old said "I love you " unprompted tonight.

The fact that my husbands minor surgery was successful and that it is over. Please pray for continued healing.

After this surgery was over, my husband said he saw not one, but two, of my OB doctors. It reminded him of some of the more joyful reasons to be in a hospital. It triggered a moment of sadness for him but the doctor who delivered Jeremy also recognized Scott and made a point to sit with him for a few minutes and talk. She is fully aware of our circumstance and has been so compassionate. I am touched that she was able to be with him today and comfort him.

My parents and Father in law who were so helpful today keeping things normal for the other members of our family, while allowing my husband to have the best care possible. Thanks Mom and Dad for the break too:)

My friends the W's. Even though I thought I had everything under control, they surprised us with a delicious pot of White Chicken Chili. Yumm. Just what we needed. Details... so important... sugar cookies with blue and yellow sprinkles. How thoughtful.

Another friend A. who indulged in a manicure today and felt good! Now her nails look good too. It makes me smile to know that she smiles.

Prayer Warriors that still come forward to share the ways that Jeremy has touched their lives. Another Jeremy story was gifted to me today and it made me smile and okay cry too.

Two special children that will be giving of themselves in order to help other children in the PICU in honor of Jeremy. Even better... it was all their own ideas. You touched our hearts J and B.

Sunshine that arrived in my mailbox. Thanks for the cards, tissues, sunshine gifts, and donations toward Jeremy's foundation.

As I am writing this, my house is finally quiet. Ahhh.

Linguine With Clam Sauce or Linguine Vongole, another favorite of mine. We had it for dinner tonight and I ate way too much. Stress eating.

The feeling of finally finishing ONE batch of thank you cards. Oh what satisfaction.




The Lows:

I have so many more thank you cards to send. It bothers me that I have not been able to complete them sooner. I fear people will think we are unappreciative.

The above mentioned surgery really put things over the edge this week. Too many triggers for a painful time last year. It needed to be done but the stress was not welcomed.

The triggers of Jeremy's stay in the hospital. Too frequent now.

A sweet child J. fighting so hard for his life. Please pray for him and for his family. My heart is really going out to this family, I wish I could do more.

I am feeling overwhelmed lately...with everything.

There seems to be so much pain and suffering all around me. I never knew such pain and anguish in all of my life.

Missing Jeremy so much. Fundraiser is going on for the hospital and wishing I could give in his honor and not in his memory.

EXHAUSTION

Not being to do what I wanted to accomplish today. My expectations of myself are probably too high.


There's probably so much more but I am too tired to write any more.

Traffic

I mentioned last week that I was having a hard time.

There is a first time for everything. I have had the need to send lots of cards to various people for a variety of reasons over the last eight months. The very first card was hard... how do I sign the card? Do I sign all of our names and take the risk that someone might think I am crazy. Do I only sign the names of the living members of our family and feel like I am leaving Jeremy out? Do I sign it with just our last name?? The ____ Family? When I became a Mom, I was never more proud than to sign all of our names in that space on cards. My family is so important to me. Each and every member has a special place in our family, Jeremy included.

As time went by, it really wasn't much easier. I would really stop and contemplate the signature each and every time. I would say that it varies from card to card depending on the receiver and the circumstance for the card.

On Thursday, I was signing a card. It happened. I signed the card with everyone's name. When I caught myself on the letter J of Jeremy's name, the pain penetrated my heart in an unimaginable way. Jeremy is my son and he always will be. Jeremy is a part of this family and he always will be. It seemed so free and natural to just sign his name. It was a moment when my heart had taken over and I just wasn't thinking. When my brain realized what I had done, my heart remembered. My heart remembered that life looks different now. It hurt and I had a hard time recovering from that moment in time.


Grieving is hard to do. Jeremy is part of me, part of our family forever. Yet, signing cards, setting the table, making reservations, hanging stockings, etc seems like we are always between a rock and a hard place. There is no one choice that just feels good. There's the choice that your heart wants to make... but we can't.


There have also been several innocent occasions lately where I have been forced to remember... people see the blue bow on my car and assume there must be a "new baby" in the car. How I wish that were true.

People ask how many children I have. I reply four. They see me with my third child and ask if he is my youngest, to which I reply no. Then they ask about the fourth child. Oh how I wish my answer were different...

I lay all of this before the Lord. He is good. Here I go again with lyrics to one of the songs playing at the bottom of this screen. I have chosen each one for a reason. It brings me comfort when it is dark, quiet, and the rain feels like it will stay. If you can, check it out.


You Are Good- Point of Grace
When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

I am grateful for this life that my Lord has carved out just for me. It is good, it is still good. Jeremy has eternal life and I will see him again. It is not goodbye just a long trip with lots of traffic. (Thanks D and S, I love that visual) Some days there is easy driving and then there are days with traffic. We wake up each day, embrace the day and what it will bring, and we keep driving forward. There could be minutes at first, then hours, days, weeks, and maybe even months without traffic. The thing about traffic is that it can be unpredictable! There is always rush hour traffic and you can plan around construction traffic. However, sometimes there is just traffic for no apparent reason and it is unexpected. With or without traffic, I too will reach my final destination and Jeremy will be waiting for me when I get there.

I am grateful for the grieving parents that have reached out to help me and my family as we drive through lots of traffic these days. It can't be easy to drive into traffic to encourage us along the way. We are blessed to feel your courage and compassion. Please pray for the other parents we know and don't knwo that drive through the traffic of grieving the loss of a child.

Rays of Sunshine for Today

Having a hard day... some days are just like that. God and Jeremy granted me some extra sunshine today just when I needed it most. It NEVER ceases to amaze me.

Several phone calls/e-mails to check in... some people just have a feeling when it is one of those days.

coffee and fun with my SIL and niece

smiling toddlers who are just delighted when their sibling returns from school

manicures with my daughter

snuggle time with little ones

watching my oldest son so excited about his choice of extra curricular activities

and then the above photos show you some of the things that randomly showed up this afternoon... coincidence???? Don't think so. While coloring with my daughter, I happened to notice the shade name on the yellow crayon. A sweet note from a friend arrived in the mail filled with warm thoughts, and then I picked up a catalog and found that quilt... Hmmm I love you too Jeremy! Thanks for sending our Prayer Warriors into action, thank you Prayer Warriors for following your heart.

My Cup Runneth Over

My cup runneth over. Psalms 23:5 This was the verse from my devotional calendar this weekend. I reflected upon this verse.

My cup indeed does runneth over. Despite being in the worst storm of my life, I am able to look out and see so many blessings in my life. One blessing in particular is the love that has been poured out to us over the last year. I have been amazed by the love that has been shown to me and my family from the very first night when Jeremy went into cardiac arrest until now. Everyone should have an opportunity to feel this kind of love in their lifetime, although I would never wish this experience on anyone.

The love of God has been the most amazing experience of it all. I have never felt closer to the Lord in my whole life. I know he loves me and that he loves Jeremy too in a way that I am unable to fully understand. It is because of him that we have so many Prayer Warriors that are in our lives here on earth. These Prayer Warriors have been family, friends, and even complete strangers. You have loved us and have been the hands and feet of Jesus as our hearts were shattered by the loss of our precious son and as we have mourned his loss. Even now, you all continue to be there for us as we rebuild our new life with the help of God.

Thank you all, our prayer warriors, for continuing to hold us up when it is difficult to maneuver through this storm. Thank you for the continued meals, sunshine gifts, and words of encouragement offered to us through cards, e-mails, and phone calls. Thank you for supporting the PICU, Children's House, Red Cross, and other outreach missions that have been close to our hearts. The tissue "bank" is up and running and has been well received by the hospital. Without your support, the level of support that has been shown to these places in memory of Jeremy would not be possible. Together, we have made big difference in the lives of critically ill children and their families. I truly continue to be humbled by the thoughtful actions of others all around me. I am delighted when cases of tissues arrive on my porch, when small children request gifts for the children in the PICU in lieu of birthday gifts, when anonymous letters and encouragement arrive in the mail,when I learn of blood and platelet donations, and when sunshine items randomly show up from time to time. We know first hand the difference your love and compassion has made in our lives. It is an honor and a privilege to share that love with others who need it most today. Healing does come from helping others in need. We have received many additional requests to share the specific ways we are using our love for Jeremy to help others and I will go into more detail about that in a later post.

Please forgive me for being unable to personally answer each and every e-mail and phone call in person. I still spend many days exhausted just by the usual daily activities and staying focused on the needs of my family. I pray that your hearts feel peace knowing that EVERY word is cherished and appreciated. Please don't stop... we need your prayers and support just as much now as ever.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart... for everything!

With a Most Grateful Heart,
Amy

The Unexpected

This day was planned to be much different. My husband was planning to take the day off since the older kids are off from school in celebration of President's Day. We were planning a long overdue Family Fun Day. We needed a time together to just cut loose and have a good time together. Smiles were prescribed for everyone.

Well... a little cold germ surfaced in the middle of last week and has now infected all three of the little ones in our house. The symptoms have been the most severe in the oldest child. He is running a fever and feels "yucky".

So much for our Family Fun Day... No play dates with friends or cousins, no outings, nothing out of the ordinary for us today. Daddy went back to work, I tackled the task of taking care of sick kids and the ever growing pile of laundry. Once again, I also faced the additional task of battling the feeling of being frustrated. I was that we could not do what we had planned. God had other plans for me...

I took two kids outside to get some fresh air. Life is just a tad bit easier when the two year old has his outside time. The temperature was cold but the sky was a beautiful color of blue and the sun was shining. I could feel the warmth within each ray of sunshine. We were delighted to discover the signs of spring popping up all around us. I wondered how much better I would feel in a few weeks when the grass turns green and the fresh air is something that we can take advantage of more often. We hung bird feeders, played with chalk and basketballs. It was fun. I'm not sure why, but I walked around to the side of the house. I discovered that our heat pump was surrounded in leaves. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but we have had two HUGE electric bills recently. I have always been careful to turn off lights and appliances when they are not in use. However, after those two bills, I have been crazy about conserving energy. So when I saw the leaves, I wondered if they had anything to do with the high bill. Perhaps the leaves were causing the heat pump to work on overdrive. So off to the garage I went to get the rake.

Raking leaves in February. Unexpected.

Kids jumping in a leaf pile in February. Unexpected.

The pleasant smell of fresh spearmint that was alive and growing wild beneath the leaves. Unexpected.

The signs of spring popping up in February. The trees are beginning to bud. The sight of daffodil, tulip, and crocus bulbs that are beginning to emerge from the ground. Unexpected.

I began to think and pray as I raked the leaves. I listened to God speaking to my heart as I continued to rake three loads of leaves from around the heat pump. Yes, I said three loads. I was feeling good, in control of changing something or correcting a possible problem. I even wondered whether this counted as my exercise for today?

My life path has turned in many unexpected places. I did not plan or choose this current path. Never the less, I have grown and learned unexpected lessons about life and about love. In recent months I have stayed stuck in the past expecting that if I refused to let go of Jeremy, things would eventually return to normal. The thing about my grief is this, I can't change the fact that Jeremy died. Grieving people tend to engage in activities that give them some sense of control such as exercising and cleaning. I have engaged in this behaviors a lot. It does give you the sense of accomplishment and control. Other areas of life are more concrete with regard to problem solving. For example, we had a high electric bill so we took steps toward changing the outcome for the next month. We lowered our thermostat and dug out more blankets. We layered more clothing, we turned off lights and appliances when they were not is use. We feel some sense of control over problem solving and we hope to see a lower bill next month. When someone you love dies, you can't change that. In recent months I have felt unsettled because my heart doesn't know that there are no solutions to this problem. There is nothing that I can do to change what has happened, I have lost control. We as humans can't reverse death but God can. He came and saved Jeremy. God took Jeremy to heaven to live eternally with him and so many others that have gone on before me. Jeremy is experiencing all the glory that heaven has to offer. God can do so many other unexpected things in my life if I would just let him.

Today as I was raking leaves and playing outside, I was reminded to let go... and let God...let God work through the unexpected things in my life. I was reminded to let God shape and mold me to conform to the image he has in mind for me. I am his child. He created me and he gave my life purpose. I need to ask him guide me and then I need to accept that he may lead me in unexpected places and through unexpected difficulties to get me to the place where he wants me to be. After all, it is his plan, not mine. I had a valuable lesson today, not the one I wanted but apparently the one I needed.

Just as he can create a spearmint plant to live and bloom beneath the fallen leaves from Autumn in February, he can work his will with my life too. I need to do a better job of letting go of my plans for my life and accepting God's plan.

The irony of this experience today is that it directly relates to part of the message that I heard in yesterday's sermon at church. Our pastor even commented on how so many of us hear the message and agree with the message but how many of us apply that message to our everyday lives. Well... God gave me a nudge today as I was working in the yard. My ways are not his ways, my thoughts are not his thoughts, but I will anchor myself to my faith in God and his ability to make my life good according to his will, not mine. As my pastor says, God didn't bring me this far to leave me, he didn't teach me to swim so that I would drown, he didn't build a home for me to move away, and he didn't raise me up to let me down. He is with me all the time. I am a work in progress...

I will try to find peace tonight knowing that even when things don't go according to my plan, it's okay, and that there is even unexpected joy to be found. God is in control.

Angel Mail #6

My Sweet Jeremy,

Happy Valentine’s Day sweet angel baby. . I miss you more than words can say. My mind wanders back to this time last year. It was a sweet day and I cherish the memories of that day. I am so thankful to have these precious photos of you to hold dear in my heart forever until we can meet again.

I love you.

Mommy


Dear Lord,

Thank you for your undying love for me. Thank you for the blessings that you have given me on this earth. My cup indeed does runneth over! Thank you for sending your only son to save me , a sinner . You know and understand my pain and you have collected every tear shed from my eyes.

These days are hard. I am lost in between the two worlds of yesterday and today. I have the gift of today. I see your blessings and gifts all around me. You haven’t let go of me all these months. I am trying my best to keep looking ahead, to the life that you have planned for me. Help me to hear your voice and guide me toward your will. Forgive me... for my heart pulls me back... I remember... I remember a sweet angel that was lent to me for awhile. I remember how it felt to hold that sweet angel in my arms and to see his smile. My heart flutters just to remember those moments of pure joy. I am thankful for those moments. I am a better person for having the opportunity to experience being a mother to that sweet angel that you have since called to live eternally with you in heaven. I know in my heart that I will see Jeremy again. Help me Lord, help my heart understand and feel peace while I am apart from my child for the rest of my earthly life. It hurts today as I muster the strength to make the day special for three children and not four. It hurts to purchase Valentines and little tokens of love for three children and not four. It hurts to be a family of five and not six...I beg you to fill my heart with peace. I look at these photos and I still scream out how I just don't understand. I see my baby in my arms and I hurt. My heart wants to believe this is where he belongs, here on earth with me, but I know he belongs with you. You have a plan and I trust in your ways. I trust, but I hurt.

Lord, I know how deep your love is for me and I know that you will see me through this storm.

I am clinging to the words of this worship song tonight.
Amen

Til I see You Hillsong

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are a voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And till I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name

Another First is Approaching

It's been a busy start to the week. There have been a lot of changes to our regular schedule this week and I am finding it challenging to balance it all at once. The kids are excited about the upcoming celebrations of Valentine's Day and the 100th Day of school. Along with those celebrations, there are Valentines to create and projects to complete. We have enjoyed having happy things to work on at home but Satan hasn't traveled far from our doorstep． He tries to creep in whenever he can. For example, I enjoyed the Valentine's Day party at school but then grief moved in and stole my joy shortly thereafter. Jeremy will never celebrate Valentine's Day. I will never receive a sweet Valentine made by his sweet fingers,powered by his imagination, and fueled by love from his heart. I will never purchase a real Valentine gift for him and he will never receive a Valentine from us or anyone else for that matter. I have had to work hard to remember that Jeremy is happy in Heaven.

It's the loss of hopes and dreams that were still to come that hurt too. This is the year of firsts, just not the ones I was prepared for when he was born. I was foolish to think that it would be easier now after eight months. Each "first" carries it's own pain.

I am reminded of the clean soup again... I do not like this... I want something else... I want my life when it included Jeremy on earth. I want to celebrate Valentine's Day with all four of my precious children. Here I am instead... Jesus, you know far better than I what I need and what my life has in store for me. I must trust and give it all to you. Meet me where I am tonight. I am not perfect... I must walk by faith and not by sight. You will see me through this storm. You will not leave me. You have a glorious plan in mind for me and my family. Give us peace and help us to rest tonight so that we can be focused on bringing your name glory with our thoughts, words, and deeds on this earth. Amen

Angel Mail #5

My Dear Sweet Jeremy,

I felt you kiss my cheek in the sunshine today. Your light was shining down on me all day. It has been eight months since I have seen your sweet face. I miss you so much. I long to hold you in my arms and to kiss your sweet cheeks. My soul wishes to see your smile and to watch you run and play with your brothers and your sister. Oh how I long for our family to be together enjoying God's goodness here on earth.

The weather here was unusually warm today and sunny for February. I marveled at the way the sky looked this morning and wondered what you see there in heaven. I can only imagine how beautiful it is as you look around. I cried on the way to church imagining how happy you are there with Jesus. You know that's all a parent really ever wants and hopes for their child, to find true happiness, love, peace, and joy. I know you have all of that and more there in heaven with Jesus. This knowledge gives me more peace as my soul grieves your loss here on earth.

I sat in church this morning and came to an important realization. One of the responsibilities of being a parent is teaching your child to learn, grow, and develop into adulthood. There are so many things to learn in life. We parents have so many hopes and dreams for our children. I would have never thought it would happen this way, but it was you Jeremy, that has taught me to learn, grow and develop into a new person. I am deeply hurting but yet I am transforming into something or someone that God wants me to be. I am still in the molding process and it is scary. My whole world as I knew it has changed, but God is with me, every step of the way and I am excited to learn of this new purpose and calling he has for my life. Is it wrong for me to want so badly to be able to share that with you here on earth? I must trust and walk by faith alone that God knows what he is doing with my life and yours. I know there is a reason why you are there with him and I am here but I do wish I knew all of the answers now. One thing I do know for certain is that the gift of your life and the privilege of being your mommy was and still is a huge part of that lesson for me. You son, have taught me so much and I know there is more to learn as I heal.

I cried so hard today in church I embarrassed myself. You probably have learned that you were born into a family of criers! The tears just flow so easily for most of us. My soul feels scattered in so many directions. My heart hurts. I gave in to my heart today and let the pain flow. I thank God for sending the angels here on earth to comfort me and walk beside me. I felt such love and the embrace of compassion from so many of our Prayer Warriors at church and all around us today. The music was particularly moving today. Every song played/sung today was especially meaningful to us. Some we had as a part of your funeral service and others were songs that I can vividly remember being played in your hospital room so many times. The comfort that they brought us then and even still today was present this morning with every melody. I may have been able to compose myself more but I was so moved by the choice of the songs played today as we worshipped.

I visited your grave today with your Daddy, your siblings, and your Mom Mom. I know that you are not there. I know with every being in my soul where you are. I just need to go there. I wish I was wiping dirt from your sweet little face because you were having fun outside instead of from your headstone. I wish with all of my heart that I could meticulously care for your little body and not your grave. I brought some red and white flowers and a balloon, a little love gift from your family on earth. I wish I could watch you play with a balloon. You would be so fascinated with the colors and your reflection in the shiny silver metallic side of the balloon just your siblings were at this age. I stood there still in disbelief that you are really gone from this physical world and gone from my arms until I see you again in heaven. My heart aches to imagine what you would be like today if you were still alive.

It breaks my soul into pieces to see your brothers and your sister run up the hill to your grave. My heart can't believe that this is a part of our world. It hurts so badly to see your marker on the ground. I wondered what my heart physically looks like. Do grieving hearts look different than healthy and happy hearts? Your siblings innocently call out to you "Hi Jeremy!" as if you are right there with them and nothing has changed. But it has changed...EVERYTHING has changed. I wish I could have that childlike grace and faith to not hurt so badly. Your brothers ran and gathered pine cones to decorate your grave. Did you hear your sister praying, talking, and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to you? I stood there and felt the sun shining on my face and wondered if it was really you. Were you watching me and wishing I wasn't standing there crying and hurting for your loss? Were you sending me a message that you are good and happy there in heaven? It felt like the only place that the sun was shining was where we were standing... It is sweet yet so painful to watch as your sister has such a hard time leaving the cemetery. She kissed your gravestone several times and just physically could part herself from your grave. My heart was ripping apart watching her as if she were saying good bye to you all over again. I wish I could shield her from this pain that she has learned at such an early age. I wish you could feel what it would feel like to be loved by your sister and your brothers here on earth. Can you feel it there in heaven? Can you feel how very much you are missed by us all? I think one of the happiest memories of my whole life was watching the four of you interact. Talk about Rays of Sunshine...there are none that shine brighter than those memories in my heart!

I also stood there and had another realization. I have struggled this week with many things. The most painful thing being that I have relived the last day and the last moments with you over and over, and over again. I didn't want to, it just kept happening. I really began to wonder why? Why wouldn't those thought just leave me be for awhile? Today, as I stood at your grave, I realized that it was a gift to be present at those moments. I was blessed to bring you into this world. You fulfilled your purpose here on earth and I was blessed to hold you as you entered the kingdom of heaven to live eternally with Jesus. I was blessed to feel your tiny fingers squeeze mine. I wondered today if you squeezed my hand to let me know that it was okay... at that point you must have seen where you were going. I couldn't see what you could see. I have regrets from that day. I still have so much to say and to tell you little one. I know now that it was a gift to be with you at that very moment. Not every parent has that gift. Some parents that experience a loss of a child are unable to be with them as they enter the gates of heaven. I would have been devastated to learn of your passing at a moment when I wasn't there. We had time to say so long, your family had time to say so long, and your PICU family had time to say so long. It is not Goodbye, we will all see you again. I was able to hold you and kiss your sweet face. I had been unable to hold you for 70 long and painful days during your illness. I remember and still fight that feeling of wanting so badly to JUST enjoy holding you and to not have to be forced to part with you forever here on earth. God was orchestrating this day so perfectly all along. I could see today the full circle of this experience... How the same doctor that with us that fateful night when this journey began was the same one that was there as we said so long... She is so special, but you already know that don't you? You loved her so very much...
And she loved you...

So I am thankful today. I am stubborn but I eventually got it. It has to be this way. God's plan is good and perfect in every way. It may hurt to the depths of my soul but it has to be this way. I see the gift that God gave me on the day that he took you to live in your eternal home.

Jeremy , your light is shining brightly still today. I think of you every moment of every day. You are and always will be a part of who I am and what I do.

You touched the lives of so many...but none like mine. I love you up to the moon and back. Until we meet again sweet little angel.

Love,
Mommy

Looking for Sunshine Today

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am missing my son more than words can describe.
I am trying to focus on the sunshine. It's hard today, the tears are flowing in a steady stream.

I was given the beautiful flowers this week by my husband and my parents. They just know me and my yellow sunshine and how much it means to me. The house needed some added sunshine this week for sure.

An amazing friend left this balloon and some tissues for the PICU on my porch. This friend is teaching me to dance in the rain. I think it goes without saying that we have encouraged one another along the way. I am so thankful for her presence in my life.

The keychain was given to me in Jeremy's stocking this Christmas and I treasure it. I carry Jeremy in my heart, always, but I love having his picture with me as we travel about from day to day. I love all of the hearts on the keychain frame itself too! Jeremy got his heart. We prayed for God's will and he fulfilled that promise. Jeremy is whole and healthy and better than he would be here on earth. Jeremy was given the perfect heart and it beats eternally now. I try to think of that when I look at this keychain.

A fellow blogger recommended the book that is pictured above. All she had to do was mention that it involved sunshine in some way and I was all over it. Have you ever folded down this many pages as you were reading a book? I haven't. It is an excellent book. I highly recommend it to anyone. The basic theme of the book is relating to Abraham. Here is an excerpt from the first chapter. "There are times in life when all of us are called upon to make heart sacrifices. Some of those sacrifices are things we choose because of a cause we believe in or a desired end that makes our decision worthwhile. However, most of us will face an "Issac Experience," when a crisis is thrust into our lives without warning and without survival instructions. Our "Issacs" are the heart sacrifices we make when we choose to relinquish control and honor God with our choices even when all seems lost. We have to decide if we will let go of our control over a person, situation, or event, or if we will hang on for dear life and refuse to relinquish something we cherish."

This book has caused me to reflect a lot upon my situation and my choices. I will post more about this later...

Remembering Misery

Job 11:16

You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away.

I have come across this particular passage several times in the months that have passed since Jeremy has gone to heaven. I find great comfort and hope reading it again and again, over and over.

It is still inconceivable to me that I could simply forget a hurt this big in my heart. The last few days I have been thinking a lot about Jeremy's last days here on earth, particularly those final moments. I have not sat down and purposefully meditated on these thoughts or willingly tried to remember. The grief window opened, again. I am afraid those images, thoughts, and feelings are permanently etched in my innermost being. It is a nightmare I never thought I'd face and one that I wish I couldn't remember. I wish I would wake up and realize it all was just a very bad dream.

I have tried to move on from remembering those thoughts about Jeremy, they hurt too much. I am unable to write about those final moments spent with him. I have regrets about that time. I would never want to relive those moments, but I do wish I would've told Jeremy some of the things that I want to say now, things I wasn't able to say to him on June 8th. I was stunned, shocked, scared, in disbelief, afraid, and so, so sad. The finality of the situation has sunk in more and I have had time to collect my thoughts. I think we were so full of hope that we would be able to take our son home,that we truly never really thought this is the way his story would end. I was unprepared, but I do not think any parent really would be ready to say goodbye to their child.

I have a heavy heart that feels to heavy to carry right now. I am resting in hope that the waters will indeed part around my feet and pass me by. I want to remember my special moments with Jeremy with heartfelt joy without the misery that inevitably follows. T.D. Jakes in Hope for Every Moment challenges readers to let go of the misery, let it pass by just like the water around one's ankles. There is another analogy like a bee sting, once the stinger is removed, healing is inevitable. Jakes reminds us at the end of this passage that when we become secure in our relationship with God that we begin to allow the past to fall from us as a garment. We remember it, but choose not to wear it.

I am finding it difficult to choose not to wear this grief that have taken a hold of my soul. Jeremy is my son, I do not want to forget him or the time I was blessed to spend with him. He is not a garment that I want to hang up and not remember. He is a part of who I am today. I wish I could remember the good without the bad. The journey we began last March and still walk, is teaching me and molding me into someone new. I hope I am better in the end and not so broken that I am of no use to anyone here on this earth. I am feeling rather broken these days. Satan has his grip on my soul. I am struggling to remember that although I may be broken, God wants to rebuild me into something new and important. I am not defeated as Satan would like to me to be. I am standing, I just don't know where I am going... My eyes are looking to the Lord for comfort and guidance with each and every footstep I take.

It all seems so easy. It will take work. I want to do the work to find joy again. I have hope that God will restore joy in my soul. I will not remember this misery in eternity. I will be reunited with my sweet angel. I will once again look into his eyes and feel peace. I will feel joy without misery.

A Prayer Request

A Prayer Warrior sent me a prayer request of her own and I am forwarding it on to all of you. If you can, please check out this website, this family could really use our prayers and help.

http://ineedakidneynow.com/

We can certainly relate to this family. It's really tough when you or someone you love needs a life saving organ donation because you are really are relying on God to provide that miracle. These organs just aren't sitting around on a shelf in a medical stockroom just waiting to be used. There is no amount of money or random acts of kindness or service that can be done to ensure that the life saving organ can be found. There's nothing you can do but pray and hope. Then you pray some more and wait (this is the hard part) for God's will to be done.

You can read more information about organ donation here:

http://www.cota.org


Thanks.

Family of Six

We're a family of six and always will be.

Life makes it hard sometimes to just be at peace with that feeling.

We went to a restaurant last weekend. I walked in and the hostess asked me "How many in your party?" I stood there. She repeated the question. I heard her just fine. I was just frozen. I wanted to say six, there are six people in my family. We are a family of six, but now a party of five. (In restaurant terms at least)

Our two year old is in between his high chair and a regular seat at our table. We built up the courage to buy additional seating for our table that we purchased 11 years ago. We now have six chairs at our table. We're a family of six. It hurts so badly seeing that image of where Jeremy would take his place at our table as he grew. Some may ask, "Why did you buy the sixth seat? Why not not just stick with five?" Well, we are a family of six. Jeremy's seat exists whether there is a real chair to signify that space or not. It is NEVER far from our minds, not ever. We don't need a chair to make it real, it's already there. Plus, we have company over often and the extra seat would be put to good use. In addition, six is an even number...

I went to register Nolan for preschool. The form included the usual requests for information. No problem... wasn't expecting that grief window to open again, not here. About a third of the way down, it asked for information about siblings.
Frozen again... Well I listed them all, Jeremy included.

Passed two funerals today. I don't know the people or the circumstances and I hurt. I hurt for the family left behind. . . I know the pain and the grief that is to come. I hurt because I remember the biggest hurt of my life.

No more words, just pain. Thanks for listening/reading. I just needed to release a little again. Some days it's too much.

Enough. I am hurting. . . Hoping for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Hope the forecast includes sunshine, I could use some!


Dear Lord,

Meet me where I am today. I am a hurt Mama missing her child. My heart aches so deeply I can hardly wrap words around it. I feel your strength holding me up. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. . . breathing in and out. Please forgive me for feeling this way. I don't doubt for a second that my sweet Jeremy is safe in your care. I just miss him Lord. My arms ache for his presence. My home is filled with an abundance of your gifts and blessings and for that I am ever so thankful. There is just this empty space in our hearts, in our home, and in our world. Come and fill those empty spaces and touch my soul as only you can. Lead me and give me what I need for this new journey. Amen

Ecclesiastes 7:14
In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider; God has made the one as well as the other...

Random Heart Today

My heart is scattered today...

We missed our therapy last week due to the weather. I can feel the grief like a heavy coat. I need to unload a little, it's too heavy.

As you can see we did have snow in our area last week. My husband thought I was crazy as I ran to the door every time I heard the snow plows coming down our street. I was hoping to see the yellow Care Bear so I could take a picture. It was no where to be found.

We are ready to register our third child for Pre-school. I am not ready to have two mornings a week at home alone. I wanted to be at home with my one year old who would turn two. I wanted to take him to a Mommy and Me class and have special time with him just like the others.

My two year old is getting to be more and more like a little boy every day and less and less needful of baby toys. I wasn't ready to put all of that away. Not yet.

I took the two year old to the library today for a program. Didn't think about all of the babies that would be there. Grief really is like a window that just opens so unexpectedly. Did my best to stay for the program and not to cry.

I have enjoyed my three little ones this weekend but really missing Jeremy's place in our family here on earth. I've panicked a few times this weekend when I've counted them and only got to three... I look at them and it is so sad that someone is really missing from the picture.

Grief hurts so bad sometimes that you can't cry. I found some pictures of Jeremy last night and I took my breath away to look at them but I also couldn't help myself and I kept looking. I could not put them down.

Jeremy would have been fourteen months old. I can't help but to wonder what he would be like now.
I wonder what characteristics he would have? I wonder which sibling he would be the most like?


Sunshine for today...

1. Found my favorite lip gloss finally. I have searched high and low and could not find it anywhere. Has this ever happened to you? You know you find a favorite color and　ｔｈｅｎ you just can't find it anywhere... Drugstore.com ! Praise the Lord!

2. Snuggling up reading with my daughter. She has this thing about reading ALL TEN BOOKS on the first day of the month for BOOK-IT. We technically have the whole month but she must do it all the first day. Remind you of anyone?

3. My sister was in town for the weekend. We had some good quality family fun time. I missed Jeremy being a part of that time with us. It was really good to see her and my nephew. It was also nice to meet a friend of theirs from Canada.

4. Ｓｏｆｔ　ｔｉｓｓｕｅｓ．　The tissue fairy has made another delivery. Thanks so much! I have had others interested in helping but trying to overcome the problem of posting our address on the blog. Any ideas ？ Thought about a P.O. Box but I think those are expensive. Will work on that issue and get back to it later...

5. Expresso Truffles from　Ｓｔａｒｂｕｃｋｓ！