It is August. A time for summer. Time to chase fireflies, drink lemonade, swim in the pool, pick vine ripened red tomatoes, eat sweet corn, and count the days left of summer vacation before school officially begins.
The retail market is in a different world. They are preparing for the next season. Even one of my kids questioned why there were Halloween items in the stores already. I found a favorite catalog in the mail and landed on this page.(See the link below- Disclaimer I STILL have not figured out how to link from text. If anyone would be interested in teaching me how, I would be most grateful.) Can you believe it? I've been a Mom for almost eight years now and have never seen anything like it ever before.
Naturally, it sent my mind to places that are painful and dark and to happy places with Jeremy that exist only in my imagination. You see how one little thing can just sweep me back in time...One little wave, one big wave, or even several waves all at once. Time moves forward that is for sure, but the heart just takes longer to catch up.
I am standing at a crossroads in my life unwilling to leave the path where my past life stands. A life with a wonderful husband and four kids here on earth. Photographs make it seem easy to just go back to that place. The images seem so real, and they were real. It's just that now when I look at them, all of my senses come into play, and it becomes confusing to understand the difference between the past and the reality of today's moments. I can smell the many scents of a newborn baby. Among the words of the stories that we have read, I hear the joy in our laughter or the depth of our contentment and love. I see my whole family in one place. I can remember what it actually felt like to have Jeremy in my arms while my other son, seated beside his siblings, twirled my hair and sucked his thumb. Those moments are gone...evaporated...but the how's and why's still remain. With time, I am beginning to grow toward accepting that I will never know the answers to those questions here on earth.
I would like to think that I serve a God that is willing to be patient and understands my ambivalence. I am trying to walk on this new path but also trying to do it on my terms. I feel most safe being able to see my old path, my old life, the life where I was comfortable from where I am standing today.
Life changed in a single moment. I am not comfortable. Growing is painful and a lot of hard work. I pray daily for the strength to continue trusting in God's will for my life and not my own. He is leading me down a very different path, one that I would have never chosen for myself. Day after day, after day, I ask for His grace and mercy to wash over me and help me cope with the events of each day. I ask for this comfort when I discover costumes like this and realize that the little boy who would wear it, doesn't need it after all.
Jeremy,
You don't need a costume to be "My Sunshine". You are a Ray of Sunshine in my life today, tomorrow, and always will be. God is using you to be a Ray of Sunshine in my life, and in the lives of your family, friends, and even so many people that we may have never even personally met. What an honor! You have and continue to serve Him well in my eyes. In my opinion, it is far better to really have such an important purpose in your life and not to just wear a silly costume for a few hours on Halloween.
Keep shining! I love you sweet son of mine.
Love,
Mommy
So as I begin to walk down a path that is farther and farther from where I once stood, I will choose to trust that where I am going will be good...
The retail market is in a different world. They are preparing for the next season. Even one of my kids questioned why there were Halloween items in the stores already. I found a favorite catalog in the mail and landed on this page.(See the link below- Disclaimer I STILL have not figured out how to link from text. If anyone would be interested in teaching me how, I would be most grateful.) Can you believe it? I've been a Mom for almost eight years now and have never seen anything like it ever before.
Naturally, it sent my mind to places that are painful and dark and to happy places with Jeremy that exist only in my imagination. You see how one little thing can just sweep me back in time...One little wave, one big wave, or even several waves all at once. Time moves forward that is for sure, but the heart just takes longer to catch up.
I am standing at a crossroads in my life unwilling to leave the path where my past life stands. A life with a wonderful husband and four kids here on earth. Photographs make it seem easy to just go back to that place. The images seem so real, and they were real. It's just that now when I look at them, all of my senses come into play, and it becomes confusing to understand the difference between the past and the reality of today's moments. I can smell the many scents of a newborn baby. Among the words of the stories that we have read, I hear the joy in our laughter or the depth of our contentment and love. I see my whole family in one place. I can remember what it actually felt like to have Jeremy in my arms while my other son, seated beside his siblings, twirled my hair and sucked his thumb. Those moments are gone...evaporated...but the how's and why's still remain. With time, I am beginning to grow toward accepting that I will never know the answers to those questions here on earth.
I would like to think that I serve a God that is willing to be patient and understands my ambivalence. I am trying to walk on this new path but also trying to do it on my terms. I feel most safe being able to see my old path, my old life, the life where I was comfortable from where I am standing today.
Life changed in a single moment. I am not comfortable. Growing is painful and a lot of hard work. I pray daily for the strength to continue trusting in God's will for my life and not my own. He is leading me down a very different path, one that I would have never chosen for myself. Day after day, after day, I ask for His grace and mercy to wash over me and help me cope with the events of each day. I ask for this comfort when I discover costumes like this and realize that the little boy who would wear it, doesn't need it after all.
Jeremy,
You don't need a costume to be "My Sunshine". You are a Ray of Sunshine in my life today, tomorrow, and always will be. God is using you to be a Ray of Sunshine in my life, and in the lives of your family, friends, and even so many people that we may have never even personally met. What an honor! You have and continue to serve Him well in my eyes. In my opinion, it is far better to really have such an important purpose in your life and not to just wear a silly costume for a few hours on Halloween.
Keep shining! I love you sweet son of mine.
Love,
Mommy
So as I begin to walk down a path that is farther and farther from where I once stood, I will choose to trust that where I am going will be good...
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