Yesterday was a tough day. I was really worried about how today, our second Halloween without our precious Jeremy, would go.
Last year I remember Halloween was horrible. I spent so much of the day focused on our other children and making their day happy and special that I gave little thought to the landslide of grief that would settle in for the ride. By the time the grief settled in, there was little that I could do to manage the pain. A good friend and neighbor hugged me, allowed me to share what I was feeling, and handed me a glass of wine. (If you are reading this K., know that you and your family are missed.) A big reason that I felt so bad on Halloween was the fact that the grief was truly not expected that day. I knew other upcoming days would surely be painful but I did not expect it at all on Halloween.
This year, the day was still painful but definitely different. This year the decorations that were visible in yards around our town were particularly bothersome to me. I do realize that I have no right to say a word about the ways in which others choose to decorate their homes for the holidays. It was just a little unnerving to see graveyard scenes and skeletons looking so gory.
This year memories are much more vivid. I know I have mentioned before that the numbness I felt last year is completely gone. I am feeling the loss at full force speed. I remember the Halloween of 2007 that I was very pregnant. I remember those moments and then my brain is left to figure out how in the world I arrived at this place in my life, grieving the loss of my child, my baby. To understand that reality, it means that I must drag myself through some pretty horrific events.
A wise person objectively looked at the situation and helped me devise a "plan" so that we could attempt to avoid the same outcome as last year. Notice the word "plan".
The cool thing about plans is that there can many of them, Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc. You can abort the plan at any given time,determined solely by us, and you can also change the plan as needed. We don't need to married to a plan and execute it all the way until the end either. We had many other grieving families mention to us that planning for the difficult days was helpful. This idea of planning was so foreign yet desired last year. We just wanted a magic plan. We wanted someone else to make the perfect plan that would make the various situations as bearable as possible. Trouble is, no one can do that because grief is personal to each person and even to each family. Last year, we were numb, and we really had no idea what we wanted, what would feel okay, and even how to go about making such a plan. We got worn out in the discussion phase of the "plan". So last year, planning didn't always work out so good for us.
The magic plan never showed up. We have thankfully survived the year of firsts. So we at least have that first set of experiences to help guide us a bit.
So now on to the Halloween plan for 2009. The plan was to carve out a little time for Jeremy, to include him in on the festivities of the day. We began the day eating pumpkin waffles, which were quite delicious. We then headed to the soccer fields for a double game day. We enjoyed the role of the cheering squad and the older kids both played "Bootifully" There was a super fun Halloween party and also last minute decorating to do. My oldest son was even thoughtful enough to decorate Jeremy's picture by making his tombstone. Hard on me. Needful for him. He is processing this grief so much differently than I am. There was snuggle time while we watched Halloween movies and ate roasted pumpkin seeds. All in all, the whole day, I knew there would be time for Jeremy and it made the day somewhat easier to get through.
It was a deliberate thought to include Jeremy in our day. We made a sunshine Jack-O-Lantern in his memory. We visited the cemetery and placed a larger pumpkin on his grave. We revisited our discussions of our grief and answered more questions surrounding Jeremy's death. We lit a candle on our table during the trick-or-treating time to honor his memory and remaining presence in our hearts. Not easy by any sense of the word, but definitely better than last year.
I almost made it through the day without the magnitude of grief knocking me over...
Toward the end of the Trick-or Treat time a really cute little boy came walking up to our doorstep. You guessed it. He was almost two. His mother beamed with pride and joy as she stated to us that he would be two at the end of November. I mustered up a polite smile and then crumbled inside. There it was, right in front of me, a classic reminder of the very thing that I had lost. This was a big "Pause" moment for me. It nearly took my breath away.
A few deep breaths later I recovered. No one ever said that grief was quick and easy. I had told a fellow grieving parent that I expected moments of pause and sadness to show up this year. I am proud to say that I didn't spend the whole day residing in fear and running from the pain. Better yet, I tried my best to carry on, finding joy with the other kids and making the most of the day. I just expected those pause moments to come and when they did, I wasn't surprised. I was able to truly pause, remember Jeremy, reflect, and then return to what I was doing. I was even surprised at how smoothly and how quickly I was able to transition from place to place today. The "plan" helped me. I am learning to carry my grief alongside the way that I have determined that I want to live the rest of my life.
Overall, the "plan" worked out okay for us. I am grateful for the objective nudge to plan some special time for Jeremy today too. I even get an extra hour of sleep tonight to refuel for tomorrow. It is All Saints Day...another trying day.
