On Angel's Wings...Four

Dearest Jeremy,

It is unimaginable to comprehend that you will be turning four this month. Four years old. Your mama couldn't be more proud of you and what your life represents to my little heart and beyond in this earthly world. Your mama heart also breaks when I think of all the things that just won't ever come to be in this lifetime here on earth.

I have been busy preparing for your birthday. It has been a difficult experience to describe. It pains me to buy things that would not normally be the case when one prepares for a four year old's birthday party but at the same time, it is the most healing way I know how, to experience this day, your birthday, in a healthy way. Tears stream down my face wishing for things to be different, but they aren't. All of the tears in the world won't change the fact that you are not here to share your birthday with me and your family in ways that I had imagined in a time once long ago.

The last few days have been so painful but I know your presence has been right by my side and for that I am most grateful. I have felt all the little ways that you have been a part of my day! Please forgive your mama for selfishly wanting more...Your daddy and I wonder about the things that would have been your favorites. What things would stand out as "Jeremy" in our family? This year, I wonder if it a blessing or a curse to really not know anything about you at all. I feel like I know the painful times of your life inside and out...and I am so desperate to know just the normal things that all mothers know about their children, the things that I didn't get the chance to learn about you. I want and I cannot have... How selfish of me. You are healed and happy where you are in heaven. I know if given the chance, that you would not choose to come to me here on this earth. That does comfort me...Imagining you happy is an amazing image, I only wish I could have experienced that here on earth with you. Good things come to those who wait.

I am at peace with the way that your birthday plans have been coming together. Having a plan for these really hard days, well that is half the battle.

Tissues have shown up in our earthy world twice today.Then again, you already knew that didn't you? Tears...and more tears...Remembrance and compassion. It sustains me when I am weak with the grief.

Sweet son, thank you for the love you have showed to your Mama on Angel's wings these last few days. I KNOW you are good, I just miss you with all that I am. My heart didn't miss a thing...Until we meet again, know that I love you forever and always.


Love,
Mommy