There is a heaviness to the air in my world. Life is a journey filled with much amazement each and every day. There is joy and there is sadness. There is life and there is death. There is light and there is shadow. I have been getting better at the dance in the middle but lately the scale has been beginning to tip...
I spent an early hour at church singing the lyrics to Better Is One Day with a crackly voice and tears streaming down my face, all the while I was picturing what my youngest son would look like at four years of age and dancing in heaven. I pictured all the wonderful images that are a part of his world now apart from me and our family. I pictured such amazing things and then I felt strong knowing, that if given the chance to come back to me, that Jeremy would not. I imagined heaven as that wonderful...
I opened my eyes at the end of the song to see a few babies all around me happily snuggled up on laps and nestled close within their mama's arms and then I felt empty all over again. I felt as though I have missed out this wonderful thing that is so very precious and my heart just ached as it has so many times and probably always will.
My arms feel so very empty and they have ever since that sweet precious baby was called to go to his forever home. The pain is so very great and all consuming at times.
I feel like there is this dark place within me that I don't want to see and that I don't want to remember. If I choose to close that part of me off and refuse to go to that place, then I choose,in part,to not remember Jeremy. What a quandry...I leave the dance empty handed and brokenhearted-EVERY TIME!
Perhaps it is more likely that this is the time of year when I just remember too much?
I took a brief walk this evening in my very own backyard. I could hardly believe the changes that have happened in a time period that seems like overnight. We have had unusually warmer weather this season and the early spring could surely be attributed to that for sure. I am not complaining overall since the sunshine and I seem to get along well together. The feelings that have crept in this week just go to prove that the painful memories embedded within the dates of the calendar are more powerful than the sunny weather I guess.
While I was walking, I had this overwhelming feeling of the newness of life and of growing. It was afterall, all around me. I feel as though there are places withing me that are dead and dark. These images that I saw within my backyard stood to remind me that new life can and does grow from the most unexpected and even dark places. I felt a supernatural peace this evening. I was reminded that, as I have been busily trying to recreate, grow, and nurture what was once mine,something that is humanly impossible I might add, that the growing season for that fruit is over. That season and a very short one at that, yielded the most beautiful fruit... and now it is time to let it go and embrace the next season of growth which can and could be amazing in it's own way.
Perhaps my trouble, as it has always been in the past, is that I am much too busy looking backwards to see where it is that I am going. I have noticed along the way some rather profound fruits that have grown in areas of my life that I almost never would have imagined.
This ever so bitter and lonely place yields much human hearted growth, painful and the hard way as it must be, but growth for sure.
Where it is that I am going and what I am being pruned to do next, I am just not sure. Something is on the horizon though, I can just feel it. It is emerging.
... being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Phillippians 1:6
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