I Want to Grow

This Oxalis plant has lived in our home for two years now. We planted them ourselves as our daughter "bloomed" into being a four year old. We watched them both grow as time has gone by. The plant originally had about five to six shoots at any given time. Each day as I walk past my daughter's classroom, I admire the same type of plant in the window. One day I commented to her teacher how I had admired her plant and her green thumb. With a smile, she told me how to revive this plant and help it grow more fully. Little did I know it would be a much deeper and powerful lesson than originally planned.

My daughter's teacher told me to dig up the bulbs planted far beneath the soil and break them into pieces. I was instructed to replant all of the broken bulbs in the soil and then tend to them as usual. Water the plant and provide ample sunshine. I did just that. Then I waited. Nothing happened at first. In fact, I began to think that surely I had not done something correctly. I was just about to go back to the teacher, when low and behold, the shoots began to surface in the soil. It was amazing. Every day there were new shoots coming up and that has continued to be the case ever since. I enjoyed watching my plant growing more fully than ever before.

Then a few days later I really began to notice some similarities among myself and this plant. I know this may seem silly but indulge me friends, this is real stuff. Sometimes we really just need to open our eyes, there is much to learn all around us.

The photo above shows how the plant was literally bending toward the sunshine. I too find myself searching for that same sunshine every day as often as possible. I enjoy seeking God's glory and wonder in my life. I have never felt so sad in all of my life, yet it is here in this place , where I have found a deep and true relationship with my Savior. I feel his presence, his mercy, and his peace within the depths my soul. The pain is there too but my Lord comforts me in some amazing ways. It has been the worst year of my life and also the best. I have lost a child, a precious son. I have gained a real and true relationship with God. Typing this very sentence even feels strange, but it is true. I see life very differently now. I have a relationship with God unlike anything I have ever experienced in all of my life. It is amazing and I want to share it with anyone who will listen.

A difficult time was approaching. Traffic. We would be entering into the season of Jeremy's illness and death. Up until this time, we had remembered happy times as a family of six and then mourned his absence as we experienced those "firsts" without him. This season is different because now in addition to those happy memories, we will also have horrible memories too. We have images in our heads and hearts that no parent should ever know. They are haunting. This is where the enemy sits and waits as he tries to trap me here. He wants us to only experience pain and suffering. The enemy doesn't want me to believe in the truth that God is in control and that all of the events from last year have been part of God's plan all along. It isn't all about me. It's about God and using every circumstance to accomplish that plan. When it is my time to know the story and to be enlightened, I too will understand. Until then, I try my best to trust in him and his plan. So the plant was a visual reminder to me daily to rest in the light that only God could give. I was doing my best to prepare for the traffic I could see coming up ahead. I would say to myself "Stay in the light, fix your eyes to the cross, turn your eyes to Jesus, it is here that you will feel the peace that passes all understanding." It isn't always easy but I am not willing to allow the alternative solution to take root, not now, not ever.

I have survived the first day of this new season for the first time. I will share more about today at a later time. For those of you that do not know the significance of today's date, it is the very day that I carried my son into the E.R. expecting IV fluids and then to make a quick return home. Instead, it was the night that my son unexpectedly went into cardiac arrest, would miraculously be revived, but would begin a very long and painful journey in the PICU. What a ride we had... We wanted off so badly and to to be able to bring our baby home to his family to lead a happy and healthy life. God's will didn't match our will and our son began his eternal life with Jesus in the month of June.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized the lesson with the plant wasn't over.

The old plant was growing. It was green. It was alive. But...it wasn't reaching it's full potential. It wasn't bearing fruit, if you will.

I was alive. I was functioning well in life. I had achieved many successes. Things were good, at least to me. I was happy and satisfied. I believed in God and thought I had a relationship with him. God had a different plans for my life. His will doesn't always match our will. He wanted something more for me. So I too, like the plant, was broken to help me grow. I was broken to my core. BROKEN TO MY CORE. He spoke and I listened. I chose to replant my broken pieces, ALL of them, in the Lord. It didn't happen overnight but little by little, I am growing again and living a more full and richer life than I ever thought was possible. I'm not done, not even close, I still have a very long way to go, but none the less, I am growing. It isn't easy and it sure hurts but I trust in him to help me grow into the person that conforms to the plan that he has for me. He feeds my soul with everything that I will ever need. He is my water, soil, and sunshine that I need to grow. I will live to bear fruit that brings glory and honor to his name all the days of my life.

I will see my son again. Our family will be reunited for eternity. But for now, it is my purpose to live here. It is my purpose to grow and continue on the path that God has chosen for me. God is with me feeding my soul with his mercy, grace, and his peace every step of the way. The enemy is right beside me too, he wants me to wither. I WANT TO GROW!!!

We all face times in our lives when we feel broken. Broken into many pieces. Many circumstances can cause a human soul to feel broken. Death, a serious illness or injury, trauma, a loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, a disappointment, even just relinquishing the fact that we don't always get our way in life. These are just some to name a few. You can all surely relate. When trouble comes what will you do with the broken pieces? Will you give the broken pieces to God so he can rebuild a deeper and fuller life in you? The enemy wants you to wither. God wants you to live a full and rich life in him. I don't know about you, but as for me, I want to grow!!