I wish I could have seen this image as I looked through my camera lens today.
My lens looks much different today. It has for some time now. I wonder if I'll ever look at my children and not see this gapping hole where someone is missing from the photo.
This is the last time my children were ever photographed all together. It looks perfect. I am torturing myself looking at these photos from last year. I keep thinking something will pop out, a sign, something that I didn't see at the time, something, anything, that will make all of this make sense to me. All I see is a healthy and happy baby. All I see is a shattered family left behind to wonder why? I'm not doing so good tonight.
The events that began one year ago are much too painful to even put into words.
My fingers are struggling to type the scattered words that are coming from my shattered heart.
Thank goodness the lens of God is perfect. Through my tears I will fix my eyes on the cross. I will lay this hurt at his feet. I will ask him to carry me through this pain. I will pray for him to show me he is near. I will let him carry my son in his arms since I cannot.
6 comments:
I too am at a lose tonight. was listening to the radio and heard somewhere over the rainbow - I got to thinking what is Jeremy doing tonight on his side? I bet he is singing Happy Birthday to his big Sis and wishing he could have some brownie - I bet Diddy would have slipped him some ice cream.. I know he is in a better place and I keep reminding myself this much.
Precious one, I know you are hurting so much right now. Nothing anybody can say or do can take that away. I know you sit at His feet and beg for Him to remove the hurt. I know you long for the view only He can see. It plain stinks that we can't always see His purpose for things. No matter what you do to make sense of it all, it will probably just be one of those things that we will NEVER understand this side of heaven. As you search these precious photos looking for any little sign of the problem that was brewing inside your little one, please know that there isn't one. There just simply isn't one. Our precious Savior wants you to know that no matter how hard you try, you can NOT blame yourself for what happened. Whether you had known about anything that was wrong or not, you could have done nothing to change the outcome. How much as parents do we wish we could control everything that comes into our children's lives. How much as parents do we try to keep anything harmful from them, hoping they will come out unscathed from the troubles of life. How much as parents do we think of the pains we ourselves have been through and try whatever we can to make sure our children will never go through them. The reality is, dear one, that we can not control any of it. We are blessed to have these little ones in our care for the time they are here, but we can't control them anymore than God can. After all, didn't He even give up that control of HIS children in the garden and allow free will to enter our lives?
My hope and prayer is that you will at least be able to let go of the blaming part of your pain, allowing your guilt to be set free in acknowledging how little control we have over our lives. Your pain in loss is valid and He hurts along with you today. He longs for you to be able to see why His will resulted in Jeremy's life with you being cut so short. Yet, He also knows that sometimes we just plain can't understand the workings of the divine in the skin we are trapped in for this life. For all we know He could have saved Jeremy from a life of pain and suffering that may have resulted had he lived through it all. I praise God that you know that and search for that comfort. However, I also pray for the peace that you long for in your heart to accept the freedom from guilt and blame that He longs to give you.
Hold on to Him for dear life, sweet warrior. He IS the light at the end of your tunnel.
In Him,
Julie
Hey there.
I just wanted to say hello and thank you for your heartfelt comment on my blog. It means everything to me to know that the Lord blessed you in even a tiny way. I will be praying for you as you continue down this journey of grief. It seems so unrelenting at times... Your son is beautiful. It makes me smile to think of him near my Miller Grace this morning.
One day, sweet friend. One day... until then, He'll carry us.
I am thinking about and praying for you guys today. That the Lord may keep you all in the palm of his hand.
Love,
Betsy Stein
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today. I remember this day last year when I got your phone call requesting prayer. I frantically called others to join in the prayers, drove to a shoot in Belair and got a speeding ticket because I just wasn't thinking straight. I had no idea what road you had just started down. Amy, you are such a wonderful woman. I am so grateful to have been given the gift of you as my sister in Christ. I am praying today that a blanket of peace will fall over your home and family. I pray that when you look to God for comfort, he will hold it out to you, and you will receive it. I love you.
Hi Amy,
My prayers continue for you and your sweet family as you walk this road in the next two months. May you be surprised by the strength of our Savior as you lean on him!
Love from Eldersburg and LifePoint Church.
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