Dear Jeremy,
Nine months have gone by now. It seems so hard to believe. This month has been quite different than the others. I have spent each day remembering our life with you this time last year. This time last year we were so happy but trouble was coming. In fact, the infection was most likely in it's beginning stages. We had no idea what damage was going on inside of your little body. Jeremy did you know? Satan has a grip on me again trying to make me believe that I was too busy to see what was really happening or that maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention. I knew something wasn't right but I would have never thought anything like this would have happened. The doctors have all told me this isn't the case. I hope that the are telling me the truth and that they aren't trying to release me from a lifetime of guilt over something that cannot be changed.
I remember everything so vividly. I only wish I could watch it all replay as if it were a video. I wish I could step inside that video and experience every dimension. My heart aches to hold you and feel your sweet hugs. I long to smell your hair after a bath, I long to see you playing and splashing in the water, I miss you all together. I wish I could turn back time and change the ending of your story here on earth. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since that fateful day when our lives changed forever. I couldn't see it coming and maybe it was better that way.
Oh if I had only known... If I had known it would turn out this way, I would have made different choices that last day that our life was normal. I would have held you in my arms all day and spent the entire day gazing into your eyes.
So many things have changed and yet so much remains exactly the way things were on June 8th. I know there is a very good reason why God chose to take you home to heaven. I know he has purpose in every circumstance. I continue to work towards fully accepting that I must trust in what is unknown and unseen.
My memories lead me to those happy places with you in our family. My mind wanders to what you would be like now at 15 months old. I guess it will be that way now as each day passes by.
You are a part of me forever and always.
I will always love you and I will never forget you and what impact you have made in my life.
All MY LOVE TO YOU ON ANGEL'S WINGS!
Mommy
1 comment:
I'd like to add a P.S. to your letter...
Dear Jeremy,
You have an AMAZING mommy! I know you only had a few short months with her but I bet you knew it the minute you laid eyes on her. The way she smiled at you, paused long enough to even appreciate the smell of your hair after a bath, and enjoyed the little moments that she now cherishes more than life itself. Do me a favor, little one. In some way, whatever way you can, let your mommy know you are ok...no, let her know you are MORE than ok. She needs to know that your eternal life is so far beyond what you ever could have dreamed of. Boy,you thought you had it good when you met your mommy! I bet you were blown away when you met your heavenly Father! You never thought anyone could love you more than your mommy did, did you? We all think that sometimes. We all think we are not worthy of such a love. Oh, but we are! Not in what we do, or say, or how we act. Simply because we are His children. I can't wait to meet you in heaven, little man. Your mommy has given me such a good picture of what you must have been like. I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that! So, remember, when you get a chance, next time you are in your Father's arms, whisper in His ear a little prayer for your mommy. Ask Him to give her a comfort beyond what she'd ever dream possible. Ask Him to show her that she need not hold on to any guilt, she has done and is still doing her job as His good and faithful servant. Most importantly, ask Him to rain down as much Sonshine as possible so your mommy can feel His warmth surround her. Thanks little guy! Sing some praises for me tonight and give my Savior an extra hug from me. Tell Him I can't wait to meet Him face to face!!
On angels wings,
your mommy's friend Julie
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