The Last First

Here I am...two days past the date of the very last "first" without Jeremy. Jeremy's funeral was held on June 14th last year. His funeral was held on a Saturday and this year, it fell on a Sunday. We went to church. We went to the very place where Jeremy's funeral was held. It was horrifically painful to sit there at services on Sunday. All I could think about or even see in my mind was Jeremy's funeral. Some may think it is odd, but I have cried many nights over the fact that I don't have any photographs of Jeremy's funeral. Some images will be forever etched in my heart and in my mind, yet there are so many others that I cannot remember. I do not get opportunities to create any more memories with Jeremy. I want to remember every last detail of Jeremy's life. As it was, I don't think I comprehended a word of what was said in church... Some may ask "Why do you bring yourself to the place of such pain?" The answer is simple, while it hurts me to my very core, I would not have it any other way. I wanted to remember... I wanted to honor my son and what he taught me.

It is monumental in the lives of grieving folks to survive the first year without your loved one. I am done. I wish I could say with all certainty that the most painful times of my life are behind me now, but we all know that none of us have that certainty. While it feels like I should have some sense of accomplishment, I don't. I miss him more. I still hurt. I have wondered if others expect me over this to be over this grief journey. I won't ever be "over" Jeremy. I will learn to cope, but I will never be over him. I want to be without this pain and it is still here, strong as ever. It feels like Jeremy has been on a very long trip and now I really want him to come home now. He isn't coming home to our home to live with us here on earth. It is a painful reality to wake up to every day...

It is without question, that our Lord Jesus has carried us to this moment in time. I could not have arrived at this place without him in my life. He has blessed me with so much. I have continued to feel the presence of many family and friends, day in, and day out. And so here I am. I still don't know where I am going, but I am still along for the ride. I am ready and willing to accept the plans the Lord has for my life. I am still "Finding Sunshine"...

I am still learning to give Him this hurt COMPLETELY to Him and trust that He can and will turn this bitter into sweet. God has promised to rescue me from this pain and he has promised to lead me to a place of peace with Him. All I need to do is to take off my shoes.

God keeps showing me signs and inviting me to this place of peace that resides in Him. He is faithful...loving... and keeps His promises. In case you are wondering, I suppose I still have my shoes on. I am still having a hard time letting my heart and my spirit reside as one. My heart misses my son more than words can say and my spirit and soul long to believe that "sweet" is still coming.

Dear Jesus,

Cover me with your love, mercy, and grace. Thank you for being a patient teacher. Thank you for covering my sin. Thank you for each and every blessing in my life. Thank you for Jeremy. I KNOW he is alive and well with you in heaven.

I ask you to help me Lord see and understand that this hurt, this bitter part of my life, will be turned to sweet. Help align my heart to your will for me and my life. Help me to to see your ways and not my own.

Amen

Amen