My Dearest Jeremy,
Two years ago today, you peacefully left the arms of your Daddy and I to begin your eternal life in heaven with Jesus. Unexpected. Unplanned. Unwanted. I remember every moment of that day and every one that preceded it. I can hardly believe that two years have passed by since then. There have been days that I didn't know how I could go on without you, days that I didn't know what to do to ease the pain, days that I spent trying to figure everything out, and days that I have surrendered, only to try and be back in control again the very next day. I'm not sure where I am exactly today, but I have continued to live one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Your life changed me. I am a completely different person than I once was, a person that to this very day, I am still learning to accept and get to know. Your life changed people everywhere. You changed your family, you changed friends, you changed people that were acquaintances. You changed people that we have never even met. Even more profound to me, is the fact that your life changes people still today, two years after you have left this earth.
Your second Angel-versary was beautiful. I wouldn't change a thing, other than of course to not have such a day and to see you running around with your siblings catching fireflies and enjoying the simple pleasures of summer. This of course would be selfish of me to want such a thing. Given what I do know about heaven, I would imagine that you wouldn't want to leave, even if it were to come to your earthly home with us, your family.
For weeks I have been dreading this date on the calendar. I still fight to fully accept that you are indeed gone from my arms and from our sight but know that you will NEVER be gone from our thoughts and our hearts. You are still and will always remain a very important part of our family forever.
Part of my survival today was to stay focused on the fact that you are healed. You are now perfect in every way. It is one of the ONLY things that I confidentally know to be true. I may question much of this earth, but I do not question where you are and your well being. I have been fixated on yet another song this last week or so. I know you are not surprised. Ironically it is track number 8 on the CD. I added it to my playlist here on this blog for your prayer warriors who may be brave enough to continue to show broken hearted love with me and your family. Listening to the song, By His Wounds, helps me to visualize you healed and to be grateful for the gift of eternal life bought for us all on the cross by our Lord. For it is only I, that needs that assurance, not you.
We felt your presence on our recent vacation. It was difficult to come home to face today, but by the same token I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was everything that I would have wanted it to be. I am so honored to be your Mother. I am so very proud of you.
I was doing dishes tonight after supper and listening to Lifesong by Casting Crowns. I cried thinking about your beautiful life song. Your lifesong is amazing! I can't get enough of it! You taught me so much and touched so many lives. I can only hope that my lifesong sings and brings as much glory to God as yours has in your lifetime and beyond.
Your light shines ever so brightly even today! I am grateful for your life light today and each and every day of my life. I am grateful for every moment that you were here on this earth. I am grateful for the journey and I wouldn't trade your time with us for anything in the world. I am sorry that your time here on this earth was filled with suffering but rest in the promise that you have forgotten all about it where you are now. I am grateful for the person that you helped me to become, even through the pain.
My thoughts seem scattered tonight perhaps because my heart is so broken.
I miss you more than words can say...and long to hold you again someday.
Until we meet again, all my love to you on Angel's Wings...
Mommy
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