I've learned that I do not have a choice. I am on this ride and I have little control over where it leads me and when and if I will ever get off. The date on the calendar did come despite all of my attempts to stop it. I woke up sad, naturally, but also decided to surrender to it all, whatever it may be, early in the day. Once I got out of my own way and let the ride go where it would lead me and stopped fighting, I realized it was truly a beautiful day. The only word that could describe the day would be that it was a GIFT.
No, I never wanted to have days like this for our family. It is what it is, and sadly we do have a child that has reached his eternal home far earlier than any of us would have expected or wanted. Sadly for us, but not for him...I remember feeling this win/win attitude from the get go of this journey. I knew it would be hard if we had to let Jeremy go to his eternal home,and I was right, it certainly has been. But I do also still believe that Jeremy won. That hasn't changed. I try so hard to stay focused on that image during these most painful of days. I can only imagine the life Jeremy has in heaven.
(I've been in a very deep and reflective place for many days now. Forgive me, but I lack the ability to formulate my feelings and thoughts into words, or at least the words that I want. So while I am desperate to remember these thoughts and feelings of this particular day, I will borrow the thoughts of two people. One person I do not have permission to use their thoughts but will give full credit and the other I do have permission to share. )
Louie Giglio, a person I greatly admire but have never met, wrote about a young man that he once knew who had passed away at early age. He wrote these words and I changed the name to Jeremy's so it would be personal to our story. Louie, I hope you don't mind. I also hope that you don't mind me sharing your words. They have deeply comforted me, many times over. In sharing, my prayer is that they may help someone else too. I am sure, knowing what I do know of you, you wouldn't mind.
Louie writes...
"God loves us all more than we can conceive, and he loves Jeremy more than anyone on earth ever could. That's saying a lot, given the amount of love that some of you reading these words have stored in your heart for him. Yet, while Jeremy was shared with us, he was created for God. And in His perfect time God opened a doorway for Jeremy to behold Him face to face. What's really amazing is that because of Jesus, we'll see Jeremy again and he will be smiling that famous Jeremy smile. I hope that we'll be smiling too, carrying with us the fruit of lives lived well for the stuff that matters most. In that moment, when hope tumbles into certainty, our tears will evaporate into shouts of joy. We win!"
June 8th was beautiful. We wouldn't change a thing other than of course not to have an Angel-versary at all...although given the imagery I just attempted to paint in our minds, who wouldn't celebrate? Jeremy is free from all pain and suffering of this fallen world. I know...now you ask if I am happy or sad on days like June 8th? This is the place where us humans tend to get stuck. I have often referred to this as my struggle to get my head and and my heart in the same place, a phenomenon that I truly think will never happen.
A dear friend and prayer warrior wrote to me on June 8th and said "There were beautiful rays of sunshine today filling the sky and a gentle breeze blowing, cooling it to a very cozy temperature, as if the Holy Spirit himself was offering refreshing, soothing breaths of comfort and peace. I do hope that you found a moment today with the Lord where His love enveloped you; an embrace from our heavenly Father who adores you. I know you are trying to surrender and let go of certain things, and I pray for you in that process, as the Lord walks with you and leads you down His path. The road isn't easy but He promises to lighten our burden." Her words couldn't have described our day any better. Our day was indeed filled with much God breathed peace, a peace that passes all human understanding. God did make His presence known throughout the day and for that I give praise and many thanks.
The pictures below will share with you a little of our journey on Jeremy's Second Angel-versary . There were also some very tender moments that the camera did not capture. These are the moments that can only be remembered by the warm memories in our hearts and will never be forgotten.
Heartfelt thanks and gratefulness goes out to each and every human heart that in one way or another shared their broken hearted love with us on this most difficult of days. Thank you for remembering Jeremy and his legacy that he left for us all. Thank you for sharing all of the ways that our sweet baby changed your hearts and lives for the better. Thank you for all of ways that you loved us on June 8th and for the ways that you loved others as Jeremy loved...as God loves. We would not be able to continue on this grief journey without the provisions of your love, prayers, and compassion.
What a ride...each peak and valley transforming our hearts and minds...
1 comment:
My sweet friend,
First off I apologize if this comment is a repeat of sorts to you...I attempted to post one the other day and it said that my comment failed. So I'm trying again! If indeed you did get the post, well, I guess you get to read my story twice!
What a wonderful celebration of life you had on that precious yet challenging day. I was so saddened when I glanced at my calendar and realized the day had passed without my knowing it. Please know that you were in my thoughts and prayers that week. It was ironic, still, when I did think of you as it led to you once again being an influence to me even when you weren't around.
I had stopped off at a Christian bookstore and was browsing the titles when you came to mind and I remembered the book you recommended, Plan B. Within a few hours I had already dived into the first two chapters and was blown away by how much the words fit my life at this point in time. I also am dealing with a shattered dream but in a much much different way. My divorce finalized a month ago and since then I have come to realize that my life has now moved on to plan B, whether I like it or not. I pray this book will bring me to my knees and back to the heart of the Father as you have so often been able to help me do, just in your witnessing through your blog.
See, when my dreams shattered, I didn't run to the arms of the Father as I should have. I ran the other direction and straight into a path of sin for my life. Month after month I have fought the Truth and have tried to push away from His love. So often I would drive past you neighborhood and God would whisper to me, "If I can heal Amy's shattered dreams, I can certainly heal yours too." Day by day and little by little I am healing. I wanted to thank you for your continued witness. I have tried to keep up with reading your blog even on my lowest days. It always brings such encouragement and peace. Thank you most of all for the recommendation of trying to understand that Plan B is in fact God's design for my life. I just have to work on accepting it and giving up control!
In Him,
Julie
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