angry

I have been sitting on this post for awhile. I don't like these feelings that I have. I do however, need to let them out. They are real and powerful. These feelings are eating me away from the inside out, literally. I truly appreciate your prayers for me and for those I love so dearly. We are still in a great deal of pain. You will see what I mean as you continue to read.


Lord, you said to bring it to you. Whatever it is. . . well here it comes. I am angry.

I am angry. I am angry. I am angry.


I am angry that I have no where to put that anger. I have no one person to be angry with. I am angry that I do not know what to do with that anger that just boils inside my soul. I am angry that my anger is often misdirected toward other individuals without that intent. I am angry because I do not recognize myself, I do like this person that I have become. What do I do with this anger Lord. I want to give it to you.


I am angry at the situation and lack of control over it.



Iam angry that I cry everyday, many times even, everyday.



I am angry that my children have such a horrific tragedy to face at such an early age.



I am angry when I see them cry and I can't fix this one for them.


I am angry when I see my husband hurting Lord and I can't help him. We so many times need different things. We grieve differently. Things that feel helpful to him bring me pain and vice versa.


I am angry when My youngest little one is still "looking" for Jeremy. He continues to pray for him every night. I say, "Jeremy is better honey. He is all better, he is perfect. He lives with Jesus now." My child sadly responds "no" because he does not understand.


I am angry when I look at the VOLUMES of scrapbooks on the shelf for my other children. I am angry to be almost finished with Jeremy's album. That's it, that's all! There will never be another thing to add to it. I am also angry at myself for wanting more than what I was fortunate to have been given. Some other parents would give anything to have even what I have, some pictures and momentos of their child.


I am angry when I hold my son's lock of hair within mine. I have hair instead of my child. I will never hold his tender fingers in mine ever again. This is it. This hair represents the only thing that represents my child's physical presence in my life.


I am angry when I put away his crib, even though he never slept in it. I am angry that he will never sleep there.


I am angry that the kisses I send to my son are on angels wings. I am angry that I will never kiss his tender forehead while he innocently sleeps in the quiet of the night.



I am angry when I put away his clothing and I put it up to my nose hoping for that baby smell to still be there, but it's not.



I am angry to think he will never wear the clothing ever again. He will not wear the hand me downs from the other boys. I will not shop for the few things that need to be replaced after his two brothers have gone through the box of clothes and they are worn out.


I am angry when I see other babies with their families. I am angry when I think of what Jeremy would be like today and what our family would be like together.



I am angry Lord when I think about the hospital. Why God? Why did you heal other babies and children but not mine? Then I feel angry at myself for even thinking to question you Lord.


I am angry when I am so tired and forgetful that I can't complete even the simplest tasks. I have to write everything down. I can't remember yesterday's moments.


I am angry when I feel lost and in a fog all of the time.


I am angry when I think of what my son went through in his short life. He was sick and hurting so much.


I am angry when some parts of my life are so painful to endure.


I am angry to see my whole extended family grieving. What do I do with that?


I am angry to have people ask me " How many children do you have?" I should have four.


I am angry when the time comes to photograph our children. No matter the talent behind that photo session, I will not like that picture, someone is missing. Someone will ALWAYS be missing.


I am angry when I try to be the person that I once was. The same likes and dislikes do not fit. I am a new person. But who?


I am angry Lord when my stomach literally hurts from the pain in my soul. There are also other new physical manifestations of the pain in my soul. I do not want to hurt like this.


I am angry when I look at others and want their life. I want what I see on the outside. I compare my ugly insides with other people's pretty outsides.


I am angry when I just want some things in my life to be easy and peaceful. Most things are hard and frustrating.


I am angry when it feels like things are getting worse and more painful, not better.

I am angry when I should be excited. I should be excited on the first day of school and at the first soccer practice. Instead I am angry and sad. Jeremy will never go to school or play a sport. I am grieving the loss of all things that could've been. . . who he would be today and tomorrow, not just what he was yesterday.

I am drowning Lord in ANGER!!!

Most of all Lord, I am angry with myself. How dare I question your plan and the purpose that you have in mind for me. Please forgive me Lord. I hurt so badly. I wish I knew your purpose for me. I wish I could fast forward to the end so I could see how this journey ends. This journey hurts so deeply Lord. I wish there was another way to bring glory to your name. Here I am Lord. My mouth still sings praises to your name but with tears flowing from my soul.