Standing before the Burning Bush

It took some time to get things in order but it finally happened. We took a family vacation to the beach last week. I spoke before about how our other children keep us focused on life moving on. Yet sometimes it is also hard because doing things for them can also be painful. Going to the beach, to our favorite place in the world, to the place where we usually find peace and serenity, was definately the right thing to do. I don't regret going at all. A mixed bag of emotions stayed with us the whole week. It's another first. A first family vacation without Jeremy. Not just any vacation, but to the beach. We returned to the beach where I left last summer very pregnant and very excited to welcome a new member to our family. It was strange to return and not have that baby with us.

I had a counseling session just before we left for the beach. I was challenged to change my perspective on this chapter of my life. I tried my best to keep this session in mind throughout the week. Making changes is hard and I guess unreasonable to expect it to happen overnight.


The beach is sacred to our family. We can go and the rest of the world seems to disappear. We focus on our family and leave better people and a better family. The beach holds precious memories never to be forgotten. I knew that this vacation would be different. It wouldn't have mattered if we went a month later or ten years later, the hurt would be the same. It was something we just had to do sooner than later. The waves would not and could not wash away a hurt this big. God can. ( if I would just let him and trust him completely with my life and with Jeremy's). I remain in a holding pattern with Satan. Just where he wants me to be. I KNOW Jeremy is in a better place, I KNOW I will see him again, I KNOW he is perfect and healthy now. I also KNOW the size of the hole in my heart and just how very much I miss him. Can you see where I am stuck? Satan wants me to stay sad and angry. He wants me to still ask WHY??? He wants me to focus only on the negative aspect of this story and not on the good that has already happened and what remains yet unseen. I need my heart and my mind to be better aligned and to put my money where my mouth is. If I really trusted God's will for Jeremy and for me, then why am I sad and so shaken? If I really believed with my whole self then I would know in my soul that God is good and it will all unravel to the most beautiful story that I have ever heard when Jeremy greets me in heaven someday. I would not be sad.

I'll share an example to further illustrate where I am and where I want to move away from.
The first day we were there a family strolled past us on the beach. There was a Dad and four children. (wait it gets better) There were three boys and a girl. ZINGER to my heart. It felt like watching what our family would be like if things didn't end the way they did. And why did they have to sit right next to me on the beach?

I saw the baby pool in the closet. I imagined Jeremy splashing in the water and watching his siblings soak up utter joy and happiness on the beach. I imagined a life at the beach with Jeremy. I imagined him being in my arms and the world seeming to melt away because my life was as perfect as I could ever want it to be. Not a care in the world...

I watched as my little guy became frustrated. The older two children were deeply involved playing in did not wish to include their rotten two year old brother who knocks down the very castle and tunnels that they are trying to build. Well I imagined a time when the older two would play and then the little guys would play. My little guy didn't have a buddy.

See the holding pattern. . . these things will never happen. The sooner that I truly accept the reality of the situation the easier things will be. Acceptance is tough. There are many levels to truly accept something with this gravity.

So two things happened over the course of the week. There was some success. I tried my best to alter my thinking when these thoughts of sadness creeped into my mind. I attempted to fill my mind with thankful thoughts. Mostly for my children, my husband, and our family. I marveled at the sight of my beautiful children playing on the beach. Then I was angry that I could not enjoy the experience fully because the grief was such a heavy load to carry. I was thankful that Jeremy would not suffer anymore and that he is perfect in the Lord's loving care now. I stayed focused on him looking down on me from heaven in the arms of Jesus smiling at me with his scrunched up nose. I focused on the thought that I am a blessed and priviledged person in so many ways. To say that that this was a constant battle within my soul would be a huge understatement. The battle was so strong that I think my husband could hear and see the damage from the outside looking in. There was progress, I could feel it. The new perspective was somewhat comforting but there was the pain leftover that I couldn't extract. So guess what happened? I exploded on Thursday. All those feelings that I stufffed back down came roaring out with a vengence and then I did feel a little better.

I've read that it seems to get worse before it gets better. Where there is a will, there's a way. I do not like this place where I am. I desire a way out. I know in order to do that I will have to trust a lot more and fully align my heart, soul, and mind to accpet God's will for my life. I am standing at the foot of the burning bush. The Lord is asking me to take off my shoes. . .