Standing before the Burning Bush

It took some time to get things in order but it finally happened. We took a family vacation to the beach last week. I spoke before about how our other children keep us focused on life moving on. Yet sometimes it is also hard because doing things for them can also be painful. Going to the beach, to our favorite place in the world, to the place where we usually find peace and serenity, was definately the right thing to do. I don't regret going at all. A mixed bag of emotions stayed with us the whole week. It's another first. A first family vacation without Jeremy. Not just any vacation, but to the beach. We returned to the beach where I left last summer very pregnant and very excited to welcome a new member to our family. It was strange to return and not have that baby with us.

I had a counseling session just before we left for the beach. I was challenged to change my perspective on this chapter of my life. I tried my best to keep this session in mind throughout the week. Making changes is hard and I guess unreasonable to expect it to happen overnight.


The beach is sacred to our family. We can go and the rest of the world seems to disappear. We focus on our family and leave better people and a better family. The beach holds precious memories never to be forgotten. I knew that this vacation would be different. It wouldn't have mattered if we went a month later or ten years later, the hurt would be the same. It was something we just had to do sooner than later. The waves would not and could not wash away a hurt this big. God can. ( if I would just let him and trust him completely with my life and with Jeremy's). I remain in a holding pattern with Satan. Just where he wants me to be. I KNOW Jeremy is in a better place, I KNOW I will see him again, I KNOW he is perfect and healthy now. I also KNOW the size of the hole in my heart and just how very much I miss him. Can you see where I am stuck? Satan wants me to stay sad and angry. He wants me to still ask WHY??? He wants me to focus only on the negative aspect of this story and not on the good that has already happened and what remains yet unseen. I need my heart and my mind to be better aligned and to put my money where my mouth is. If I really trusted God's will for Jeremy and for me, then why am I sad and so shaken? If I really believed with my whole self then I would know in my soul that God is good and it will all unravel to the most beautiful story that I have ever heard when Jeremy greets me in heaven someday. I would not be sad.

I'll share an example to further illustrate where I am and where I want to move away from.
The first day we were there a family strolled past us on the beach. There was a Dad and four children. (wait it gets better) There were three boys and a girl. ZINGER to my heart. It felt like watching what our family would be like if things didn't end the way they did. And why did they have to sit right next to me on the beach?

I saw the baby pool in the closet. I imagined Jeremy splashing in the water and watching his siblings soak up utter joy and happiness on the beach. I imagined a life at the beach with Jeremy. I imagined him being in my arms and the world seeming to melt away because my life was as perfect as I could ever want it to be. Not a care in the world...

I watched as my little guy became frustrated. The older two children were deeply involved playing in did not wish to include their rotten two year old brother who knocks down the very castle and tunnels that they are trying to build. Well I imagined a time when the older two would play and then the little guys would play. My little guy didn't have a buddy.

See the holding pattern. . . these things will never happen. The sooner that I truly accept the reality of the situation the easier things will be. Acceptance is tough. There are many levels to truly accept something with this gravity.

So two things happened over the course of the week. There was some success. I tried my best to alter my thinking when these thoughts of sadness creeped into my mind. I attempted to fill my mind with thankful thoughts. Mostly for my children, my husband, and our family. I marveled at the sight of my beautiful children playing on the beach. Then I was angry that I could not enjoy the experience fully because the grief was such a heavy load to carry. I was thankful that Jeremy would not suffer anymore and that he is perfect in the Lord's loving care now. I stayed focused on him looking down on me from heaven in the arms of Jesus smiling at me with his scrunched up nose. I focused on the thought that I am a blessed and priviledged person in so many ways. To say that that this was a constant battle within my soul would be a huge understatement. The battle was so strong that I think my husband could hear and see the damage from the outside looking in. There was progress, I could feel it. The new perspective was somewhat comforting but there was the pain leftover that I couldn't extract. So guess what happened? I exploded on Thursday. All those feelings that I stufffed back down came roaring out with a vengence and then I did feel a little better.

I've read that it seems to get worse before it gets better. Where there is a will, there's a way. I do not like this place where I am. I desire a way out. I know in order to do that I will have to trust a lot more and fully align my heart, soul, and mind to accpet God's will for my life. I am standing at the foot of the burning bush. The Lord is asking me to take off my shoes. . .

Today's Dose of Sunshine

Sunshine Is. . . (In no particular order)

Knowing that God gives me grace to face today and whatever that brings. He will walk beside me and when life gets too hard, he will carry me. (Even when I am Angry!)

Going out of my way just to drive past some of the most beautiful sunflowers that I have ever seen.

Feeling sad about my perspective on an issue, only for my children to show me a different perspective, a happier one. Life really can be simple, kids can teach us that so often.



Feeling proud of my children as they begin a new school year. They are adjusting better than I am. My children go to a great school where the teachers and staff have embraced them even tighter than ever before.



Having a husband that loves me unconditionally. A husband who helps calm my soul.



Jeremy. I will love you all the days of my life and then some. You have brought so much good to my life even though some of it hurts so much right now. I am thankful to have had the priviledge to be your mommy, even for just a short while here on earth. I will see you face to face someday. . . until then, catch my kisses on angels wings.



My cherubs here on earth. They remind me to smile every day.



My family. They are stuck with me, but they choose to love me anyway.



My old friends who have not disappeared. My new friends who I have been honored to meet. Thanks for walking through the storm with me. Thanks for showing me that the sun still shines even if it is behind the clouds.



Coffee. Especially Starbucks Dark Chocolate Iced Coffee.



A good book. Right now I am reading 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper and The Shack. I know the titles should be underlined but I can't figure out how to do that. I guess that will be sunshine for another day.

Feeling Tech savy (just a little) because I figured out how to change the template on my blog.

Mail. . . snail mail and e-mail. I love going to the mailbox everyday. I love to get mail. I have found such profound inspiration and encouragement from some wonderful angels on earth. Opening my inbox to see actual messages rather than ads for shopping is great too. I feel so richly blessed and loved. Every message is helpful to my hurting soul. Thank you for loving me so much.

What is your sunshine today???

angry

I have been sitting on this post for awhile. I don't like these feelings that I have. I do however, need to let them out. They are real and powerful. These feelings are eating me away from the inside out, literally. I truly appreciate your prayers for me and for those I love so dearly. We are still in a great deal of pain. You will see what I mean as you continue to read.


Lord, you said to bring it to you. Whatever it is. . . well here it comes. I am angry.

I am angry. I am angry. I am angry.


I am angry that I have no where to put that anger. I have no one person to be angry with. I am angry that I do not know what to do with that anger that just boils inside my soul. I am angry that my anger is often misdirected toward other individuals without that intent. I am angry because I do not recognize myself, I do like this person that I have become. What do I do with this anger Lord. I want to give it to you.


I am angry at the situation and lack of control over it.



Iam angry that I cry everyday, many times even, everyday.



I am angry that my children have such a horrific tragedy to face at such an early age.



I am angry when I see them cry and I can't fix this one for them.


I am angry when I see my husband hurting Lord and I can't help him. We so many times need different things. We grieve differently. Things that feel helpful to him bring me pain and vice versa.


I am angry when My youngest little one is still "looking" for Jeremy. He continues to pray for him every night. I say, "Jeremy is better honey. He is all better, he is perfect. He lives with Jesus now." My child sadly responds "no" because he does not understand.


I am angry when I look at the VOLUMES of scrapbooks on the shelf for my other children. I am angry to be almost finished with Jeremy's album. That's it, that's all! There will never be another thing to add to it. I am also angry at myself for wanting more than what I was fortunate to have been given. Some other parents would give anything to have even what I have, some pictures and momentos of their child.


I am angry when I hold my son's lock of hair within mine. I have hair instead of my child. I will never hold his tender fingers in mine ever again. This is it. This hair represents the only thing that represents my child's physical presence in my life.


I am angry when I put away his crib, even though he never slept in it. I am angry that he will never sleep there.


I am angry that the kisses I send to my son are on angels wings. I am angry that I will never kiss his tender forehead while he innocently sleeps in the quiet of the night.



I am angry when I put away his clothing and I put it up to my nose hoping for that baby smell to still be there, but it's not.



I am angry to think he will never wear the clothing ever again. He will not wear the hand me downs from the other boys. I will not shop for the few things that need to be replaced after his two brothers have gone through the box of clothes and they are worn out.


I am angry when I see other babies with their families. I am angry when I think of what Jeremy would be like today and what our family would be like together.



I am angry Lord when I think about the hospital. Why God? Why did you heal other babies and children but not mine? Then I feel angry at myself for even thinking to question you Lord.


I am angry when I am so tired and forgetful that I can't complete even the simplest tasks. I have to write everything down. I can't remember yesterday's moments.


I am angry when I feel lost and in a fog all of the time.


I am angry when I think of what my son went through in his short life. He was sick and hurting so much.


I am angry when some parts of my life are so painful to endure.


I am angry to see my whole extended family grieving. What do I do with that?


I am angry to have people ask me " How many children do you have?" I should have four.


I am angry when the time comes to photograph our children. No matter the talent behind that photo session, I will not like that picture, someone is missing. Someone will ALWAYS be missing.


I am angry when I try to be the person that I once was. The same likes and dislikes do not fit. I am a new person. But who?


I am angry Lord when my stomach literally hurts from the pain in my soul. There are also other new physical manifestations of the pain in my soul. I do not want to hurt like this.


I am angry when I look at others and want their life. I want what I see on the outside. I compare my ugly insides with other people's pretty outsides.


I am angry when I just want some things in my life to be easy and peaceful. Most things are hard and frustrating.


I am angry when it feels like things are getting worse and more painful, not better.

I am angry when I should be excited. I should be excited on the first day of school and at the first soccer practice. Instead I am angry and sad. Jeremy will never go to school or play a sport. I am grieving the loss of all things that could've been. . . who he would be today and tomorrow, not just what he was yesterday.

I am drowning Lord in ANGER!!!

Most of all Lord, I am angry with myself. How dare I question your plan and the purpose that you have in mind for me. Please forgive me Lord. I hurt so badly. I wish I knew your purpose for me. I wish I could fast forward to the end so I could see how this journey ends. This journey hurts so deeply Lord. I wish there was another way to bring glory to your name. Here I am Lord. My mouth still sings praises to your name but with tears flowing from my soul.