Letting Go. . .

God sure does talk to me in mysterious ways lately. Last week his message was sent over a bowl of hot soup and tonight he spoke to me as I was watching television. His message to me was about letting go. He wants me to take off my shoes. I am STILL standing at the burning bush and I am STILL afraid to take off my shoes. This is the fourth time God has invited me to take off my shoes. What am I waiting for? Here's what happened tonight. . .

I returned, for the first time, to the house where my husband and I stayed while Jeremy was so sick at the hospital. I am describing this journey back there tonight because it is an essential part of my healing . I am struggling a little with the words tonight. I strongly believe that people should do good for others in the world because it is the right thing to do. We should all strive to do our part to make the world a better place. We should do so for the sole purpose of bringing glory to God and not to draw attention to ourselves. It is not about us, it is about bringing people closer to God and a life filled with purpose and meaning through him. It is about treating others in ways that we would want to be treated, you know the Golden Rule. Perhaps, I will even inspire some of you reading this to help others in big and small ways. ALL ways have a great potential for making a tremendous impact on someone's life that you might not even know was possible.

When Jeremy was admitted to the hospital and we learned the severity of his condition, we just couldn't leave his side. God gave us strength that we didn't know we even had. We didn't "sleep" for days at the beginning. The doctors urged us to get some sleep so that we could cope with what was going on and also to take care better care of Jeremy by taking care of ourselves too. Long story short, we were offered the opportunity to stay at The Children's House. From the moment we entered the facility, we felt this overwhelming sense of peace and compassion come over us. We were given an opportunity to have a place to sleep and eat that was clean, quiet, and peaceful. It was a place to be as often or as little as we wished, we could come and go as we pleased. We had a comfortable bed to rest and sleep as best as we could. We could sleep somewhat knowing that if needed, we could be at Jeremy's bedside in two minutes. Literally folks, we timed it. Unfortunately, we did make this run many times throughout the time spent at the hospital. It was also there at this house that we met many families that remain near and dear to our hearts. Our time together will NEVER be forgotten. We were given a gift, a precious gift, that even then, we didn't take for granted. I am wanting to write so much more about that time in our lives, but I will save some for another time.

We always knew that when we could, we would "give back" what was given to us. We would spread some "sunshine" to other families that needed it too. This ability to help others would also in turn help us heal. Helping others or making a positive difference, however small, allows us to "let go" of the some of the anger and frustration we feel over losing our precious son. It isn't easy at all. Sometimes helping others forces us to open our very raw wound and confront extremely painful memories. We were blessed by so many things during the time of our storm, Jeremy's illness and death. I would hate to think about what that journey would have been like if the support system we were fortunate to have had in place wasn't there. This empowers me to make sure and keep those support systems in place for other families. In the end, even if it was hard, I usually am glad I did complete the task.

For about a month now I have been working hard to coordinate a dinner for the families at this house. We could not believe the outpouring of support that we received from family, friends, our church, and the members of our community. We were humbled again. There were folks that donated cash and gift cards. Other friends made actual components of the meal itself. I can hardly get food on my own dinner table, let alone provide a meal for fifteen families at once. Others donated decorations, drinks, decorations, etc. There were even groups and classes of young children that participated by making decorations, placemats, and napkin rings. I was also fortunate and blessed to take along some very special people with me, representatives from our "Prayer Warriors", to help the actual night of the dinner. In addition, there were others that donated greatly needed items from a wish list that the Children's House needed. Last but not least, there were many others that prayed for this mission to be successful and for us to truly help others in need of some "sunshine".

All of these special angels on earth made a difficult night for me possible. I COULD NOT have pulled off this event alone. I cried the whole week leading up to the dinner wondering what it was really going to feel like walking the halls of this house again. I was anticipating the pain that I would feel remembering that time in my life and knowing all the while, that I still wished for things to have ended much differently. So if you helped make this night possible, please consider yourself hugged! Also know that without a shadow of doubt, that your efforts, compassion, and generosity, were greatly appreciated by our family, the Children's House staff, and of course the current and future families staying at this facility. You made a difference in someone's life tonight! We plan to go again, so stay tuned for the next date. We will definately be looking for lots of helpers at that time.


The Rays of Sunshine committee tonight.

MMMmm. A fabulous spread.

We wanted the room to look and feel warm with compassion. I think we succeeded!

I also cried all week watching the food, items needed for the dinner, and wish list items pour in. LOOK AT THIS! The looks on the faces of the staff when they saw what we brought with us was priceless. We filled two vehicles, a van, and a SUV to the max! What a blessing! In addition, I also collected almost $500 in cash. WOW! I used some of the cash to purchase a digital camera for the families to sign out and use. Get this, it was even light blue! I knew at that instant that it was a meanigful purchase. I plan to use the rest of the money to most likey purchase sheet sets and other linens for the house, unless there are other needs that are more of a priority. Thank You!

There was another very meaningful experience that I shared tonight but I will save that for another time too.

When I finally came home, my mind was naturally going in so many directions as I debriefed the evening in my mind and I was emotionally exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I felt great knowing that we succeeded in our mission and I was at peace with that part. My heart and mind were on Jeremy and my heart was aching. I turned on the television and had hopes of watching "brainless" T.V. so I could fall asleep. What happened next was unbelievable. I was zoning out. What I heard the character on the show say next woke me up. I don't even watch this show on a regular basis so I don't the story lines or anything at all. Then I realized it wasn't the show, it was GOD again. He had a message for me. "Let Go Amy! Let it go, give it to me. Give it ALL to me."

The character was talking about letting go. Letting go of things that you can't change. What happened, happened. (Jeremy is gone, he lives with Jesus now) Take a deep breath, this is your new reality. (Jeremy isn't coming home, you will live your life here on earth without your precious baby) Whatever anger and frustration you have, you have to let it go. There isn't a reverse button in our lives. It's not easy and your brain will try to get you off track, you will feel like a stubborn horse that won't stay on the path. The really important things will become clearer in your life. Whatever junk you thought you needed to make your life worthwhile, well, that goes away. Life gets richer. Small changes begin to happen and they are real scary at first. You started out in life a whole other person. Something like this happens and it changes a person forever. This new person forms but UNTIL YOU LET GO, you will NEVER realize your full potential. You have been given a special challenge. Special challenges allow for special circumstances to float to the surface.

I could hardly believe my ears. We have DVR so I rewinded this part and listened again. Then I rewinded a second time so that I could write down what I heard. Some might say that maybe I am reading more into something that just happens to be a coincidence. I don't belive that to be true. What a powerful statement that character made on such a meaningful night like tonight. I believe God had a message, a lesson he wanted me to learn, and he chose to deliver it to me through a "mindless" span of watching T.V.

I heard it. Question is, will I take off my shoes? Am I ready?? Will I let go? My brain knows to trust God but my heart still wants Jeremy.

Clean Soup

Funny story. . .

Early in the morning I had prepared a Pot Roast in the crock pot for dinner. The recipe called for 1/2 cup of beef broth. There was a little left over so I reserved the rest, unsure what I was going to do with it, but couldn't bear to be wasteful and throw it away. As I was preparing lunch on this 80 degree Tuesday, it came to me. I would make soup with the broth and Pastina noodles (little stars).

So I called the children to the table to eat their lunch. My daughter took one look at it and said
"what's this?"

I replied "Soup, it's Pastina, you LOVE pastina soup."

My daughter said "Mom, can I have clean soup? This one is dirty."

I could hardly contain myself. She had never had a dark broth soup before. She thought the broth was dirty and wanted "clean soup" as she reached for and then handed me the Campbells can of Cars Soup.

It was the hardest I had laughed in a long time.

Then it just wouldn't leave me. I kept thinking about it all day. Well the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways. There was a lesson for me to learn from this experience too. You know we all wait around to hear the voice of God have conversation with us just like our friends. Well, he doesn't always deliver his message to us like that. Sometimes you receive a message even when you aren't expecting one.

Here is what I received. I am the mother of my FOUR children. I prepare wholesome and nutritious meals for them every day. (OK, most of the time) As a parent, I definitely have their best interests at heart every day. I know what is best, even if at the time they don't see it that way. This mentality applies to many areas of life not just nutrition. I remember as a child myself questioning my parents' judgement, only to realize now as an adult, that they were usually right in the end.

Well, here I am a child of God, wishing for clean soup, instead of being content with the broth of life that God has prepared for me. He has my best interests at heart and knows what is best for me. He knows the end of my story and the bible says that everything will work out to be good. It's hard to see that right now, but he knows that to be true. I am staring at this "dirty soup" crying and spending time refusing to eat it, to accept my circumstances if you will. Well, God knows that what he has prepared for me is good, wholesome, and last but not least, good for me, for whatever the reason. He knows my whole story intimately because he loves me. He loves Jeremy.

I will sit up and try my best to feast on the life that God has in mind for me. God is good, all the time, God is good.

Be the Change You Wish To See In The World

There is a saying that hangs above my front door. "BE THE CHANGE THAT YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD" I like to read it as I leave our home. You can make two choices in life. Watch from the side lines as life passes you by or do something active to leave the world a better place. Our family could (and we sometimes do) wallow in our sorrows over losing our son to such a devasting tragedy of a disease or we can seek out activities that will help others along the way. Maybe the outcome for them will be different. Today I am proud to say that we didn't wallow, we were a part of something that could change the world. A change that could change the "hearts" of many people.

Today it was an honor and priviledge to participate in the American Heart Association's Heart Walk. It was a beautiful day, such a perfect fall day. The leaves are just starting to change colors and the temperature was perfect for a fall walk. It was a great way for us to gather as a family to do something good in memory of Jeremy.

We were so honored to walk with two other families that we met at the PICU. It was so nice to have some emotional support along the way. We joined those families in celebration of life. The lives that have been saved and the children who will have a second chance at life here on earth. We were so very thankful that their children were with us today taking part in the Heart Walk. There were other families that we met at the hospital that were not here today, but were held close to our hearts. In addition, I also happened to run into a friend from college, who's son was also born with a heart condition. Their son's surgeon was the same one that worked so hard to heal Jeremy. We look forward to watching these special children grow up and to see the plan that God has in mind for their lives.

We walked in memory of Jeremy. We thought about him and prayed throughout the walk. I felt peace today as I walked the path around the lake. It feels good doing something good and productive in his memory. Sitting around feeling sad all of the time doesn't change anything. My son still resides in his forever home and he always will. His life on earth was short but full. He truly did accomplish so many wonderful things. Choosing activities that focus on what I CAN change on this journey are healing for me.

It isn't visable from the photos too well but we all wore our blue Jeremy bracelets and also a green bracelet for Organ Donation. We decorated the stroller (for the youngest to ride in but he didn't) with blue bows. I wore a sticker on my back forother walkers to see that our walk was in loving memory of our son, Jeremy.

Last but not least we walked in tribute to those medical professionals who work tirelessly to save lives. The doctors, nurses, CNPS, and respiratory staff that so lovingly took care of Jeremy were forefront in our minds today.

The money raised from the Heart Walk will go directly to the American Heart Association. The money will help fund research that WILL save lives. Other families may be spared from feeling the very pain that we feel every day. We were a part of positive change and it felt good. Just maybe . . . in small way, we changed the world for another family.

Grow Old With Me

Eleven years ago today I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend and to embark on a new life together. I enjoyed planning all the details of the wedding but in the end I didn't care what happened or didn't happen. All that mattered was that he would be there to take my hand and say "I do". Everyone that mattered to us would be there to witness this sacrament that we were making to one another and to the Lord. We wrote our own vows and made promises to one another that night that have been the cornerstone of our world. Our marriage isn't and hasn't always been perfect, but show me one that is. What matters is that we have a commitment to one another and we honor that comittment in our daily lives.

Our wedding night was filled with such promise for a beautiful life together. The world was an open book. As time went by our marriage has been filled with many blessings. The sweetest of them all would obviously be our four beautiful children. We achieved everything that we ever wanted in life and that has to count for something. Our dream life was short lived but as the old saying goes, better to have loved and lost, than to have never had it at all. I thought we would share many things together, but never the death of a beloved child. I'm sorry that my husband has to endure this pain in his life. I wish I could heal that hurt in his eyes and in his soul. Having said that, I wouldn't trade that time with our son, Jeremy, for the world. He was part of our story. Our story will have a beautiful ending someday, even if we have to wait awhile to see how it unfolds. Jeremy had a real purpose in our lives and he will shape who we become as a family. When we come through this storm, we will be polished from being thrown around the rapids and rocks of life, and hopefully become better people because of it.

Today, eleven years later, I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful and grateful for our life together. I will hold on tighter, love him more, be more patient, give more, and appreciate the life we do have. Our path has a detour we didn't expect. I will hold his hand and find our way, together.

Grow old along with me

The best is yet to be

When our time has come

We will be as one

God bless our love

God bless our love.

Grow old along with me

Two branches of one tree

Face the setting sun

When the day is done

God bless our love

God bless our love.

Spending our lives together

Man and wife together

World without end

World without end

Grow old along with me

Whatever fate decrees

We will see it through

For our love is true

God bless our love

God bless our love.

This was the first song we danced to as husband and wife. The last verse has even more meaning today. Whatever fate decrees, we WILL see it through.

Happy Anniversary my dear Husband.

The New Me

I mentioned that one of the books that I read recently was 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. (Sadly I still have not figured out to underline titles within the text of my blog. Ahhh.)



I really enjoyed this book. I highly recommend it if you have not already read it. I am happy to loan my copy to anyone who would like to read it. I have marked several pages to revisit later.



Here's what I learned about myself and this process after reading this book:



1. NEVER underestimate the power of prayer. Thousands upon thousands of prayers were said on Jeremy's behalf and also for our family. I do not believe that your prayers and my prayers were in vain, they just didn't align with God's will for Jeremy. I have witnessed miracles within this tragedy. I have witnessed other miracles happening around us in the PICU. I still pray every day, all the time.

2. I am amazed at the number of people that God used along this journey. Sometimes I wish I could physically count each and every one. I can only imgaine what that number must be. I wish we could gather together in one place. I imagine about how amazing that would feel to see you all, our Prayer Warriors.

2. "some things happen to us from which we will NEVER recover, and they disrupt the normalcy of our lives. That's how life is. Human nature has a tendency to try and reconstruct old ways and pick up where we left off. If we're wise we won't continue to go back to the way things were (we can't anyway). We must instead forget the old standard and accept a "new normal."

I have wasted so much time since Jeremy died thinking about the way things ought to be. I ought to have four kids here on earth. I ought to be able to tell the world that Jeremy was healed. I ought to be able to put away the baby stuff when Jeremy grew out of it and didn't need it anymore. I'm not ready now. . . (There's way too many to list here) These thoughts rob me of enjoying the moments that I have been blessed to have today. It's like you can only enjoy something to a certain point. For example, when I go to school with my youngest child and marvel at his eyes discovering new things. It's almost like you can see them thinking at this age. Then it starts, I start crying because I know I will never experience this moment with Jeremy. There it is, the rest of the joy. . . well it's trapped with Jeremy. That piece of my heart is with him and it will be forever I suppose.

I need to adjust and accept the way things are and the way things are going to be. They won't change no matter how many tears I cry. I just don't know who I am anymore. There is no way I could have ever returned to the ways things were even if Jeremy had survived this ordeal. But he didn't . . . I am left here wondering where to put my feet down next. I suppose this is a painful process to watch if you are a family member or a friend of someone going through grief. Who knows what will happen, who I will become, but I just hope it is something good.

These " I ought to moments" remind me of the very things that most of us take for granted every day, things that can be taken from us permanently and suddenly, and leave us forever changed.



One a different topic. Please pray for friends of ours, a little guy named Christopher. His sister passed away this summer and now he too is facing some pretty serious health problems. I talked with his Dad today and he has been scheduled for surgery early next week. Please keep his parents in your prayers. These are real tough times for this family.

While we are praying. . . here's a few more requests:

We were fortunate to meet several AMAZING families at the hospital. We will forever feel a connection and a bond to these folks. We are so grateful that they have continued to stay in touch with us and have reached out to us to help us out along this journey. These children are home but are not always without challenge, pain, and difficult times. Please pray for their continued healing and strength.

Many things have left a mark on my soul. I am continually in awe of the medical staff that cared for my sweet Jeremy. I amazed how every day people that you might otherwise meet on the street, are the very people that walk the line of miracles and tragedy every day. They must be affected in big and small ways by what they see and encounter during their hours spent with their patients. Yet, at the completion of each child's journey, however it turns out, they get up and do it all over again. They do it with all the love and compassion that you could ever want for your child. If any of you are reading this , you have my deepest admiration.

I pray that people know the tremendous impact it has on one's life when people take the time to reach out and lend a hand, a shoulder, or their hearts. I feel loved in a way I thought was never possible. I pray that each and every angel on earth knows the depth of my gratitude. I pray that together we can impact someone else's life too!

Selfishly I ask for your prayers for myself. I am haunted by the images of the hospital. Lately, I struggle daily with reliving those moments over, and over, and over, and the feelings that came with them.

With the Most Grateful Heart,
Amy