Letting Go. . .

God sure does talk to me in mysterious ways lately. Last week his message was sent over a bowl of hot soup and tonight he spoke to me as I was watching television. His message to me was about letting go. He wants me to take off my shoes. I am STILL standing at the burning bush and I am STILL afraid to take off my shoes. This is the fourth time God has invited me to take off my shoes. What am I waiting for? Here's what happened tonight. . .

I returned, for the first time, to the house where my husband and I stayed while Jeremy was so sick at the hospital. I am describing this journey back there tonight because it is an essential part of my healing . I am struggling a little with the words tonight. I strongly believe that people should do good for others in the world because it is the right thing to do. We should all strive to do our part to make the world a better place. We should do so for the sole purpose of bringing glory to God and not to draw attention to ourselves. It is not about us, it is about bringing people closer to God and a life filled with purpose and meaning through him. It is about treating others in ways that we would want to be treated, you know the Golden Rule. Perhaps, I will even inspire some of you reading this to help others in big and small ways. ALL ways have a great potential for making a tremendous impact on someone's life that you might not even know was possible.

When Jeremy was admitted to the hospital and we learned the severity of his condition, we just couldn't leave his side. God gave us strength that we didn't know we even had. We didn't "sleep" for days at the beginning. The doctors urged us to get some sleep so that we could cope with what was going on and also to take care better care of Jeremy by taking care of ourselves too. Long story short, we were offered the opportunity to stay at The Children's House. From the moment we entered the facility, we felt this overwhelming sense of peace and compassion come over us. We were given an opportunity to have a place to sleep and eat that was clean, quiet, and peaceful. It was a place to be as often or as little as we wished, we could come and go as we pleased. We had a comfortable bed to rest and sleep as best as we could. We could sleep somewhat knowing that if needed, we could be at Jeremy's bedside in two minutes. Literally folks, we timed it. Unfortunately, we did make this run many times throughout the time spent at the hospital. It was also there at this house that we met many families that remain near and dear to our hearts. Our time together will NEVER be forgotten. We were given a gift, a precious gift, that even then, we didn't take for granted. I am wanting to write so much more about that time in our lives, but I will save some for another time.

We always knew that when we could, we would "give back" what was given to us. We would spread some "sunshine" to other families that needed it too. This ability to help others would also in turn help us heal. Helping others or making a positive difference, however small, allows us to "let go" of the some of the anger and frustration we feel over losing our precious son. It isn't easy at all. Sometimes helping others forces us to open our very raw wound and confront extremely painful memories. We were blessed by so many things during the time of our storm, Jeremy's illness and death. I would hate to think about what that journey would have been like if the support system we were fortunate to have had in place wasn't there. This empowers me to make sure and keep those support systems in place for other families. In the end, even if it was hard, I usually am glad I did complete the task.

For about a month now I have been working hard to coordinate a dinner for the families at this house. We could not believe the outpouring of support that we received from family, friends, our church, and the members of our community. We were humbled again. There were folks that donated cash and gift cards. Other friends made actual components of the meal itself. I can hardly get food on my own dinner table, let alone provide a meal for fifteen families at once. Others donated decorations, drinks, decorations, etc. There were even groups and classes of young children that participated by making decorations, placemats, and napkin rings. I was also fortunate and blessed to take along some very special people with me, representatives from our "Prayer Warriors", to help the actual night of the dinner. In addition, there were others that donated greatly needed items from a wish list that the Children's House needed. Last but not least, there were many others that prayed for this mission to be successful and for us to truly help others in need of some "sunshine".

All of these special angels on earth made a difficult night for me possible. I COULD NOT have pulled off this event alone. I cried the whole week leading up to the dinner wondering what it was really going to feel like walking the halls of this house again. I was anticipating the pain that I would feel remembering that time in my life and knowing all the while, that I still wished for things to have ended much differently. So if you helped make this night possible, please consider yourself hugged! Also know that without a shadow of doubt, that your efforts, compassion, and generosity, were greatly appreciated by our family, the Children's House staff, and of course the current and future families staying at this facility. You made a difference in someone's life tonight! We plan to go again, so stay tuned for the next date. We will definately be looking for lots of helpers at that time.


The Rays of Sunshine committee tonight.

MMMmm. A fabulous spread.

We wanted the room to look and feel warm with compassion. I think we succeeded!

I also cried all week watching the food, items needed for the dinner, and wish list items pour in. LOOK AT THIS! The looks on the faces of the staff when they saw what we brought with us was priceless. We filled two vehicles, a van, and a SUV to the max! What a blessing! In addition, I also collected almost $500 in cash. WOW! I used some of the cash to purchase a digital camera for the families to sign out and use. Get this, it was even light blue! I knew at that instant that it was a meanigful purchase. I plan to use the rest of the money to most likey purchase sheet sets and other linens for the house, unless there are other needs that are more of a priority. Thank You!

There was another very meaningful experience that I shared tonight but I will save that for another time too.

When I finally came home, my mind was naturally going in so many directions as I debriefed the evening in my mind and I was emotionally exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I felt great knowing that we succeeded in our mission and I was at peace with that part. My heart and mind were on Jeremy and my heart was aching. I turned on the television and had hopes of watching "brainless" T.V. so I could fall asleep. What happened next was unbelievable. I was zoning out. What I heard the character on the show say next woke me up. I don't even watch this show on a regular basis so I don't the story lines or anything at all. Then I realized it wasn't the show, it was GOD again. He had a message for me. "Let Go Amy! Let it go, give it to me. Give it ALL to me."

The character was talking about letting go. Letting go of things that you can't change. What happened, happened. (Jeremy is gone, he lives with Jesus now) Take a deep breath, this is your new reality. (Jeremy isn't coming home, you will live your life here on earth without your precious baby) Whatever anger and frustration you have, you have to let it go. There isn't a reverse button in our lives. It's not easy and your brain will try to get you off track, you will feel like a stubborn horse that won't stay on the path. The really important things will become clearer in your life. Whatever junk you thought you needed to make your life worthwhile, well, that goes away. Life gets richer. Small changes begin to happen and they are real scary at first. You started out in life a whole other person. Something like this happens and it changes a person forever. This new person forms but UNTIL YOU LET GO, you will NEVER realize your full potential. You have been given a special challenge. Special challenges allow for special circumstances to float to the surface.

I could hardly believe my ears. We have DVR so I rewinded this part and listened again. Then I rewinded a second time so that I could write down what I heard. Some might say that maybe I am reading more into something that just happens to be a coincidence. I don't belive that to be true. What a powerful statement that character made on such a meaningful night like tonight. I believe God had a message, a lesson he wanted me to learn, and he chose to deliver it to me through a "mindless" span of watching T.V.

I heard it. Question is, will I take off my shoes? Am I ready?? Will I let go? My brain knows to trust God but my heart still wants Jeremy.