Endings and Beginnings

Summer is coming to a close and the school year is about to begin.

Keeping busy relishing in those last few days of summer and preparing all the while for school days to begin.

Crying and smiling

Excited and a little nervous

Holding on and letting go...

Does the month of September really begin tomorrow?

Pesto Chicken With Pasta

Last week I got together with some girlfriends for our monthly meal swap. We have called ourselves the Dinner Divas. Ha!

The weather last Monday night was unseasonably cool. It rained off and on but the host had a most lovely covered porch. We all enjoyed an evening on her porch with a refreshing and cool summer breeze, good conversation, yummy treats from a local favorite, and left at the end of the evening with five meals ready to feed our hungry families.

My meal this month was Pesto Chicken with Pasta. I love pesto. I love the versatility of the simple sauce. Pesto pairs well with chicken, fish, as a spread on pizza, and even sandwiches. I love the flavor of fresh home made basil.

Last week I got together with my Mother-In-Law to have a day in the kitchen with the kids. My daughter loves to cook and welcomes any opportunity to help out in the kitchen. She even wore her Chef hat for the occasion! We tackled several large batches of basil pesto and then set out for an adventure making arugula pesto. Arugula and I get along very well. I think I could eat it every day! I had heard that it could be used to make pesto and that was enough to make me want to give it a try.

As I started to search for recipes for the pesto sauces, I discovered that you can make pesto from a variety of ingredients, not just basil. I found recipes for pesto made with parsley and sunflower seeds, kale and walnuts, cilantro and pumpkin seeds, and cashews and arugula. Some of these variations sound rather interesting and I may try them in the future.

Any of the above mentioned varieties of pesto will work just fine for this simple supper. My recipe calls for grilled chicken. You can grill it up plain and then slice into thin slices. I leave my chicken plain for the kiddos and then lightly toss some in the pesto sauce for hubby and I. I like to use long noodles such a linguine or spaghetti but any shape of pasta will work. Again, I serve the chicken and pasta plain for the kids and for the adults, I coat the pasta and chicken with pesto. Add some fresh Parmesan cheese on the top and Yum!

You can find recipes for basil pesto all over. For this month's meal we used The Barefoot Contessa's recipe for basil pesto and Rachael Ray's recipe for Arugula Pesto. I added one secret ingredient for a signature touch to Rachael's recipe.

My freezer is filled with Chicken Teriyaki, Rotisserie Style Chicken, Asian Flank Steak, Spiced Pork Roast, and Ahn's Pork Chops. It's shaping up to be a delicious month!

Angel Mail # 14

Dear Jeremy,

You are deeply missed. I miss you on the ordinary days like today. I miss seeing you run around the yard with your siblings gearing up for soccer season. I miss your messy face at the dinner table. I miss knowing what your likes and dislikes with food would be. I miss your tender bedtime routines. I miss all of you.

I am angry too. I was trying to simply clear off my desk so I could scrapbook and instead was left with grief that threatened to suffocate me tonight. I am angry when I see your beautiful face in a photograph and all I really want is to see your eyes looking back into mine in real life. I am angry when I see the beautiful moments that I missed during this mess...I am angry when your "moments" are in a box. There aren't any more moments to be had with you and that makes me angry too.

I am sad to part with yet more of your things tomorrow. A truck is coming to take them away and part of my heart will go along with it.

I am angry that this grief robs me of being able to completely enjoy today. I am angry that I can't seem to shake it sometimes.

I am sad that school is starting. You were supposed to be one year behind your brother. This year you would have been in the Three Year Old class and your brother would be in the Fours. I am sad.

It is hard to be here. It is hard to miss you and for my heart to go on without you. It is hard to see so much of what was mine and what has been lost all around me.

I am hoping that part of Letting Go also means allowing myself to grieve you. I won't fight it today. I think I'll just cry and let it all out today.

Love Always and Forever,
Mommy

Those Darn Deer

It all started last night. The kids were eating a snack before bed and I was reading them a story, Those Darn Squirrels by Adam Rubin. It was a really cute story about an old man and some very clever squirrels. Anyone who has had the pleasure of watching squirrels eat their bird seed or perhaps fruit from their trees would appreciate this story. In the end, the old man and the squirrels make peace with one another and the story ends happily. This book made us all laugh, which is always good!

Our Sunflower Memorial garden for Jeremy has not done well this summer. I know, sad but true. After my last post about the garden and how I had resolved to let it go too, I was surprised to find a few plants that were not eaten or destroyed by the drought. I had hope that I would see a sunflower bloom in my own garden this year after all. It may have been a late bloom, but it looked as if it would happen.

This morning I looked outside the window and discovered every single plant had been chewed up AGAIN and I nearly cried.

Later in the day the deer came back for more and found an ANGRY GRIEVING MAMA watching from the window! I yelled from the window and deck area and scared the deer out of our garden. The funniest part was when my oldest quoted a line from the story and said "THOSE DARN DEERS!" We all burst out into laughter and the frustration over the garden seemed to fade away.

Looks like from here on out, I'll need to continue to admire sunflowers growing in the gardens of our friends, family, and fellow neighbors in our community. Every once in awhile special gifts even show up on our porch. Thank you N. family for sharing a bit of sunshine with us, your timing was rather perfect!

Super Saturday and Sunday

A wonderful weekend was had by all members of our family! It was a very busy weekend but filled with all good things thankfully! We enjoyed being in the presence of family and friends on both Saturday and Sunday. What a blessing to spend time together having fun.

I keep waiting for the lazy days of summer to arrive and at this point, I'm not sure if they ever will. My husband and I have talked about our busy schedules and how at times, we are exhausted. Through it all, one thing is for sure, we are living fully and that is really important to us. Our summer days have been filled with a lot of fun, family memories, and a lot of joy. All too soon, the reality of school starting will be upon us and our schedule will become much less flexible. For now, in the midst of the chaos and relaxed routines, we will choose to enjoy the fun and take part in as many opportunities as we can to create memories to last a lifetime.

I also had some time and a couple of willing subjects to play around with a new camera. I think you will see that we had fun figuring it out together.

A Sunny Centerpiece

We're loving this centerpiece on our kitchen table this week! The floating sunflowers came from the local farmer's market. They were quite droopy upon arrival at our house and a fresh vase of water didn't seem to do the trick. We tried trimming them down to the flower and I think we succeeded at preserving their beauty! It was also fun to try a new way to enjoy sunflowers this week.

The other flowers are from my parent's garden! I am grateful that they are willing to share a little slice of summer splendor with us!

Pondering

I stumbled on another quote this week. I've been pondering it ever since.
Those that know me well might laugh...it couldn't be any more perfect for me!

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good
-Voltaire Secrets of Adulthood

A Chance Meeting?

Living in the moment. This has been a survival tool for our family. We wake up, we get dressed, and we face the day and all that each dawn brings. A few years ago, I would not have described myself as spontaneous. Today, I would say, it is a way of life for me. I still like routines and the structure they bring but I do not like commitments made for our schedule. I am still very much living day by day. I like being able to make decisions based on my level of strength each day and make plans for the day with a more spontaneous framework. The only downfall to this survival tactic is that it doesn't always work well with trying to plan get togethers with other friends and families.

We woke up and decided that today would be a good day to head to the fair. Daddy went to work and the kids and I got some errands done. We planned to meet up later in the late afternoon for some family fun at the fair.

The fair is minutes from the cemetery where my sweet son is laid to rest. It is very difficult for me to be that close to the cemetery and not stop by to spend some time at Jeremy's grave. Last year, we planned to go to the fair first and then stop at the cemetery on the way home. At the time, we thought it would be too hard to face the pain at the cemetery and then try to switch gears to have fun at the fair. The fair was okay last year or at least what I can remember of it, but afterwards, the kids were spent, it was dark, there were lots of mosquitoes, and in the end, the plan failed. I remember feeling sad at the end of the evening that we needed to drive past the cemetery and go home.

This year, we tried the opposite. We did make the stop at the cemetery first. I had been feeling a strong desire to go for about a week now but for many reasons was unable to go. My parents picked some flowers from their garden for us to take and I looked forward to making the time to spend at Jeremy's grave.


It hasn't gotten a bit easier after all this time for my feet to stand there at the foot of his grave and to know that my baby is gone from this world. My oldest child said " It would be really great if Jeremy could come with us to the fair too." So we talked about how wonderful that would be indeed. We talked about how we thought Jeremy would be there with us just like he is present in our hearts every day. With a lump in my throat and a trembling voice, I told my oldest child that, if given the chance, Jeremy would not come to the fair with us. I explained that Jeremy wouldn't want to leave heaven because it is so very wonderful there. The idea seemed to make my oldest think a bit...

So we lovingly placed the flowers in the vase and found a few moments of sunshine which surprised us all. There were very tiny yellow flowers blooming all around his grave. Flowers that to most would be weeds, but to us, at that moment, were a gift of sunshine. There was also a little stuffed rabbit that we have been able to keep at Jeremy's grave since Easter. We thought it was gone today, but at last, it appeared when we pulled out the vase. We all laughed a little, something that I'd never thought we would experience in that place. It almost felt like Jeremy was there playing a little game, like little ones often do, and it felt good to imagine that image of him smiling and laughing with us. We parted and hopped into the car leaving a little more of our hearts behind as we do each and every time we leave.

Then it was off to the fair. Just as I expected, it was hard switching gears. It was hard balancing the thoughts in my head and staying present at the fair. It was a rough start at first, but we did reach the point fairly quickly where somehow we fell into that place of acceptance over what had happened. The sight of babies was bothering me more than usual but I figured that was to be expected. We were able to have fun and enjoy all that the fair had to offer but it wasn't without missing that special part of our family. I have worked really hard to get to the place where I am today. It took more work tonight but I succeeded at being able to stay at the fair. We succeeded.

The provision of finding sunflowers and sunshines in random places and also running into warm and friendly familiar faces helped ease the pain. We ran into one of our pediatricians which was a funny experience and made us all smile. A few other friends spread sunshine on our hearts too! Overall each interaction we had with folks tonight did more good to our souls than the other party probably even realized at the time. Thanks be to God.

On the way out, we saw one of Jeremy's doctors and her family. It was truly wonderful to see her and catch up for a few moments. It felt really good to share the moment in time with her today. We shared that space as family to family, heart to heart, and not focused so much anymore on doctor to patient. From the beginning, she was part of our PICU family. At the time, we had seen no other way to experience what we did there within the walls of that PICU, without thinking of them as family. We handed them our son and our trust to do their best to help Jeremy in ways that we could not. We were a team focused on Jeremy's best interests and needs. They were all part of our extended family then and they remain as such today.

It made me smile when we saw her and I was excited for the opportunity to say hello and share a hug! Right behind that warm moment and only briefly, it came though, the thought of how it would be if Jeremy were alive and here with us today. I wondered how rewarding it must be for the doctors to see and hear from the kids that survive and how their life stories continue when they are discharged from the hospital. I had dreamt about that moment for Jeremy and it was that very dream that gave hope for me to get through some very painful days. I truly wanted nothing more than to carry my son out of that place alive and for us to visit and share all of the stories of his progress over time. Tonight it hurt for a second when I was reminded that my dream as I knew it did not come true. Then something rather phenomenal happened. Just as peacefully as the thought came about what it would be like if Jeremy were alive, I was reminded that our prayers were answered after all. A peaceful feeling came over me and filled my soul. My dream did come true just not exactly the way I had imagined. Details surrounding that dream perhaps will be shared in another post but let's just say that it has more to do with letting go again.

We prayed for God's will to be done and it was. Not our will but His will. I did pray for my heart to accept God's will but I must admit as any mother would, I did not want my son to die. We prayed for God to guide this doctor's (and all the others involved with Jeremy's care) hands, heart, and mind as she lovingly cared for my son's medical needs. She did that and more... She loved my son and she extended that love and compassion to us too. She was chosen to be an important player in God's masterpiece named Jeremy. So tonight now that I am home and trying to work all this out in my mind by writing about my experience, I find myself praying for that peace that passes all understanding to remain in my soul. I am praying that as she lays her head down to sleep that she feels God's gentle spirit of peace within her own heart. I pray that she sees that Jeremy is a success story even though his life on earth ended. He WON! I pray that she does not feel that Jeremy's time spent in the PICU was failed in any way, we certainly do not. It would be a whole other blog post for me to list the millions of ways that Jeremy's life was perfect in every way and to tell about the mark that he left in the hearts of so many. Jeremy completed his purpose on this earth and did so much to bring glory and honor to God and for this I am proud. This particular doctor was hand chosen to be a part of Jeremy's story here on earth and, I for one, am honored to have shared the journey with her.

Tonight, the tears flows from my eyes as I relive the moments spent with Jeremy in the PICU, but my heart remembers love. Tonight I particularly remember the many ways that this special doctor showed love to Jeremy and to us. Many of these moments even make me smile as I am writing. As I am allowing myself to remember the many moments that she was a part of this journey, I feel very fortunate that God blessed Jeremy and us with her presence, wisdom, love, compassion, warmth, and strength. After all this time has passed, I am also amazed at how God used her and that brief encounter this evening at the fair to illustrate His image of Jeremy's story more clearly to me tonight. I am ever so grateful for the gift of replacing a painful memory and renewing my mind to see a warm memory in it's place.


Many might say that running into each of our friends, pediatricians, and particularly Jeremy's doctor, were after all, only chance meetings tonight at the fair, but I see it as otherwise. There were thousands of people at the fair tonight. One second spent differently in either direction and our paths may never have crossed. I choose to see our crossing of paths as yet another provision, another gift in the road of healing from this hurt, and yet another tidbit of the story that will one day be completely revealed.

Tonight was a gift from God. I am grateful for the walk with Him, what I learned along the way, and the healing that transcended as a result. I am unsure whether this writing reflects in any way what has happened in my soul but I pray that it does.

I am never surprised but always AMAZED at how God works in my life and the ways He continuously shows his tender love, grace, and mercy to me. His presence has been constant and unwavering each and every step of the way. The lessons He has chosen along the twists and turns have been just what I needed each and every time. Why am I surprised? He knows best...

Simple Summer Joy

These friends sadly won't be sticking around for much longer. Their part of my world will be drawing to a close. The flip flops shown have been my favorite shoe of choice this summer. I adore flip flops anyway, but this was my favorite pair and to say that I have worn them out is an understatement. I have gorilla glued them and even tried super glue three times. It's sadly time to let them go.

My favorite lip gloss was in limited supply last year and I knew then that it wouldn't be long before it was discontinued all together. Hubby doesn't quite understand my sadness parting with my glossy friend. Anyone else out there able to relate with a discontinued beauty product? What am I to do? I've been searching but havent found anything close to this color...

Hydrangeas are hands down my favorite summer flower. These very blossoms pictured were a gift since my backyard hydrangea bush stopped producing blooms weeks ago and the deer are eating the other plants. We've had some rain recently and I guess the hydrangea bush decided to make an encore blooming. I am delighted to have these small vases one more time this summer before having to say good-bye until next year.

Letting Go-Garden Edition

Between the scorching heat and the wild animals, we aren't finding ourselves too successful at getting our sunflower memorial garden to grow this year. I am sad.

To be truthful, it really bothers me. We all enjoyed tending to the garden and watching the fruits of our labor grow inch by inch last summer. We could see the beautiful garden from our kitchen table and the sunflowers brought welcomed joy to our eyes with each pass by the windows.

That was then and this is now...I've been here before. I've done what I could to recreate something that provided sustained comfort for our family last summer but it just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason this year. It is what it is...now I must let it go. There are a handful of plants that may surprise me and bloom this year but we'll have to wait and see. Time will tell.

To make matters worse, there was a house in our neighborhood that planted sunflowers on a hill near the side of the road. I have been known to go out of my way just to drive past the sunflowers while they were blooming. I was looking forward to that garden this year too. Imagine my anticipation when I saw green growth and my excitement for the yellow rays of sunshine grew even greater with each pass by their home. Guess what is growing on that hillside this year? Watermelons! I've now lost count of just how many watermelons are growing on that hill. I am disappointed, but after all, it is not my place to tell someone else what to plant in their gardens.

Even funnier is that three near and dears have shared with me that they have sunflowers growing in their gardens that they did not plant this year. Thank you for sharing the stories and the pictures with me Jen, Erin, and Mom and Dad!

Today I am left to look beyond my garden and my realm of control to find peace and joy. I am stepping out more and more each day into a world where I never ever expected to feel joy again. It's a little like training for a race. The challenge rarely stays the same and periodically over time the challenges increase in difficulty. For the longest time, I have stayed in control of the elements in my life so that I could cope with day to day life. I've controlled the outside elements by cocooning and protecting myself from anything else that would inflict more pain on a very raw wound. I controlled what I did, who I saw, what we watched on television, and what I read just to name a few. Well...perhaps I am standing stronger now than I give myself credit for and I am indeed ready for more work and challenge in this new adventure as the new and improved me. Perhaps I am challenged to cocoon less, feel more, and to balance the pain of more triggers that are out and about in my every day life. Perhaps this has been my newest challenge?

My choice instead of being angry about the lack of growth in my garden will be to instead focus on the growth in my soul. Isn't that more important anyway? I have come a long way! Beginning this very moment, I will keep an eye out for those sunflowers growing elsewhere this summer and I will soak up those random moments of joy when they pop up in my world. Have you ever noticed how the blossoms of a sunflower face the sun and the heavens? Each blossom will remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, for it is HE that can truly give me the peace that I so desperatelly need and seek from day to day. I will choose to see the sunflowers as welcomed Rays of Sunshine and to embrace those reminders of a small but powerful life that left a deep impact on many in this world. I love you sweet son of mine...I always will...