Angel Mail #10

Dear Jeremy,

It is officially fall here on earth. The leaves are beginning to change colors on the trees, some leaves have already begun to fall to the ground, and the air is getting cooler both during the day and also at night. We have even dug out the long sleeved shirts and long pants already. All of your siblings have started school and have had a few weeks to adjust to the new routines. These are all signs that fall is here.

Time is passing on and I feel as though we are moving on each and every day and leaving you behind. With each moment of time, each day, and each new season, I am leaving behind a life and travelling farther and farther from a place in time where all of my children existed in the same place and within hugging distance. I am trying my best to make each day count but most days, I feel as though I am still kicking and screaming all the way, very much in denial that you are really gone. My heart hurts so deeply that words cannot even begin describe the pain.

The real truth is that you are there in heaven waiting for us to arrive. Our family will be reunited and I will be able to hold you, kiss you, and hug you for eternity. Here on this earth, time marches by a different measure and each and every day just feels so long and so very far from where you are. My heart and my soul remain in such different places. Pastor tells me they will never really align. Our earthly flesh bodies fight what only the soul can comprehend. Our souls will know eternal life and our flesh will die. That fact makes perfect sense to me and now I am free from not understanding why my soul and my heart cannot reach the same level of acceptance of this major tragedy. I have worn myself out attempting something that just isn't humanly possible. I must work harder at trusting the Lord. I was reminded today in church to stop trying to comprehend God. Our God is too big, His ways are not like our ways, and therefore the human mind just cannot understand His ways. Every cell in my body wants to do just that...I need to let go and let God.

September brought many joys and many waves of grief too. Your sister and brothers all began school. We purchased our school supplies and prepared for the first day of school. Each of them were excited to begin the school year, to meet their new teachers, and to see their friends. The school year brings a certain newness to the air, a time of new beginnings. These are the very times when your presence in our family is missed so intensely. Waves of grief began to roll in...I was reminded that you will never go to school. You will never go to the preschool where your brothers and sister attended. Even walking in that building brought back memories of times when our lives began to unravel from life as we knew it and for this new life to begin. Where one stopped and where this one began I just don't know. I will never go backpack shopping with you. I will never know what your favorite color is and what things you would like. I will never even know about your personality and what likes and dislikes you have. Schools like to send home all kinds of paper work. It catches me off guard every time to see the question about family. The school wants me to list the people with whom your siblings live with, and the number of brothers and sisters they have. Beside that line is the age of each sibling. Waves of grief. It hurts to write your name and to list 'angel' beside it.

School for your siblings also means that I am home alone now. I do not want to be home alone. I wasn't ready for that time in my life. It was taken from me. You should be here and I should be taking you to a Mommy and Me class with your cousin and your aunt. The two of you should be in the same class. Instead, I get to sit that one out this time around. The house is quiet and empty from laughter, snacks, blocks, books, and other activities and experiences that I dreamed we would have shared, all while the others were at school.

It seems like everywhere I look, I see a life where you should be here, but you are not. It hurts Jeremy. I don't know how to make this hurt go away. One day the phone rang and someone asked for you sweet son. I had to tell that individual that you were deceased. As if that weren't painful enough. I realized that there would never be any phone calls that would come in for you. I was reminded that I would never know the sound of your voice, I would not know the sound of your soul singing for the world to hear. I could go on all day and cry about the things that I will never get to do and the dreams that I will need to let go of, but there simply isn't enough space for that in this letter. I will miss you every waking day and each and every moment of my life here on earth. I will feel the loss of your sweet soul here on earth with me until the day I die.

September also brought the celebration of another birthday for your oldest brother. Birthdays are events that most would think are joyous but cannot even begin to understand the pain that coexists. Typically birthdays are a time for families to be together. You will never be here. The empty chair is always there...And speaking of birthdays, we will never celebrate your birthday the way we would like. We will never know the friends that you would have chosen and the themes of your parties that would reflect your personality and your likes and dislikes. Our family also celebrated a birthday in grand style just days before your departure from the earth the first time and so that very thought of throwing a party triggers such pain. I wonder if birthday parties will always be bittersweet.

Jeremy I have also had contact with other mothers that were pregnant at the same time as I was with you. I haven't seen them since your passing. Seeing them again unexpectedly and with their children who are about the same age as you would be now, is almost unbearable for me. Oh how I wish I could see you running through the halls and on the soccer fields too! My body fills with panic when for split second when I can't find you... when I cannot comprehend how I got here to this place in my life. My heart quickly seems to forget that you are not here with us. Just the other night, we were voting on the movie that we would watch for Family Movie Night and I prepared six slips. Your oldest brother gently reminded me that you would not be needing a voting slip. I then see the candle burning in your memory at our dinner table instead of your cheerful and jubilant smile that melted the hearts of many.

And so it would suffice to say that September has brought more "firsts". I was such a fool to think I was done with that phase in my life. I will admit, after all this hard work, I really thought I would feel better. I do not. My new favorite term is labrinthing. I am labrinthing. Maybe I am better but rather labrinthing. I'll explain later.

As you can see I have been doing a lot of kicking and screaming, fighting the reality of what has happened. I am running to God and laying this pain at the foot of the cross. He has led me this far and I am painfully and tearfully trusting Him to lead me on from here too. He never promised that I wouldn't hurt He only promised that He wouldn't leave me. He hasn't, not ever...

So in the midst of the pain, I spend time trying to imagine eternal life and what it must be like for you. I try to imagine what it must be like to spend every day with Jesus by your side. That is what comforts my soul. I imagine a life without backpacks and birthday parties but filled with things that are far better than I could ever even dream about. I wish you could whisper stories to me as I sleep. A mother of a young child is accustomed to being a part of her child's life, so excuse me for having such a hard time letting go of you and the dreams of your presence in our family.

This letter shows the raw and ugly truth of where Mommy's soul is today at this very moment. I will close this letter telling you that is was all worth it, every tear, every day spent suffering. Just the nearness of you, the feeling of holding you in my arms, the smell of your skin, the sounds that you made while sleeping, the way your hair styled itself since you had so much of it, but most of all, the way that you made a difference in my life and the lives of so many. It was all worth it. Your life was a gift to me and to so many.

Until we meet again.

My deepest love to you on Angel's wings,
Mommy

Surfacing

I have been cocooning. Again. I have been experiencing a rather difficult time in recent weeks. Who am I kidding? It hasn't really gotten any easier. After all, I am in a learning process. I am coming to the realization that I will never truly be free from this pain, I will simply learn to carry it differently.

We have experienced another transition in our house. We are in Back to School mode and all that comes with that territory. Change. A cycle of life some might say, but to those who are already experiencing life altering pain and suffering, it is added stress and can derail you from a path of functioning. Life suddenly takes more effort and more thought, constantly. The energy that is required of me just might not be available at all times. This is true even after all this time...

Thank you to each and every Prayer Warrior that has lifted us up in prayer. Thank you for the generous offerings of compassion and friendship, they continue to carry us through many dark nights.

Life is moving on and moving farther away from a time and a life where our family was complete on this earth. All I can say for now is that I have struggled deeply to keep my head above water. My endurance has been tested. Please forgive the lapse of phone calls, e-mails, and the MANY cancellations that have occurred as I try my best to embrace the pain that is present in my life. I strive each day to anchor my soul to the cross and to tune out the enemy that hides behind each and every corner hoping to gain my attention. I know in my heart that this is how I can survive.

I am surfacing.

Fortune Cookies

I have had Chinese food twice in the last month. These are the messages that were found in the fortune cookies we were given.

A Gift Eternal

I found this little notebook on the bathroom counter one night this week just after I had tucked my daughter into bed. I love her handwriting and her spelling. My heart loves that she wants her brother for Christmas. I love how she writes the letter J backwards in Jeremy's name. Who am I kidding, I love that she writes his name. I love to see his name in print. I love his name. I love Jeremy and I always will. These very words bring me to tears as I write them tonight.

Yup, another gut wrenching moment.

My husband and I were both heart broken. Our sweet daughter wants her brother for Christmas. Me too... I want to see his Christmas list, not see him on our Christmas list. I am also heartbroken that I cannot physically fulfill this request for her. While I cannot make this happen for her, I can, as her Mom, guide her heart and her faith in God, and that is just exactly what I plan to do.

A few people have knowledge that I have been wrestling with and churning this image in my heart and in my mind all week. Y'all wonder why I am so tired all the time. Golly!

I have a relationship with God. I laid this heart wrenching pain at the foot of the cross. The Heavens did not open up, a voice did not immediately answer me, but...with time, patience, a careful listening ear, and understanding, my God was ever faithful, and has once again taken my heart for a few lessons.

Here is the message that I received.

Jeremy was a gift the very day he was conceived. Period. He was a gift all of the days that he grew inside of me. Jeremy was a gift the very day he was born and for each and every day that he lived on this earth. His life remains a gift to so many who knew him. A precious and treasured gift indeed.

The best gift is that Jeremy has eternal life now with Jesus His savior.

John 3:16 (New International Version)

16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 14:1-3 (New International Version)

John 14
Jesus Comforts His Disciples
1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God[a]; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Jesus' words show us that the way to eternal life, though unseen, is secure-as secure as your trust in Jesus. The only issue that may still be unsettled is your willingness to believe.

It won't be the first time that I admit that my heart and soul aren't always in the same place. I believe and have faith AND my heart still hurts. Although I have hurt, and oh how I have hurt, I have NEVER doubted , even for a split second, just where my son is exactly. I KNOW where he is and I have peace over that belief. I am learning to live a life that I never imagined without him here in my arms.

Will my daughter's Christmas wish be fulfilled? Yes.

We all received the gift of Jeremy's life. It wasn't ever taken away from us. A part of him remains with us and always will. We are separated by a life here on earth and a life eternal with Jesus. His life and our lives are separated. Our family will all be united again one day in heaven. I have said it before and I will say it again, we were blessed to have had the brief time that we did with Jeremy than to never have had it all.

Will her wish be fulfilled on Christmas Day? Yes.
Jeremy's life lives on through us all, every day, even on Christmas. His soul lives on eternally with Jesus in heaven, every day, even on Christmas.

Now, I do realize that my daughter is really asking for her brother to return to earth in a physical form and for life to return to the way things were. My, how I wish that I could perform that miracle, but I can't. For I too want that more than anything... Jesus can perform that very miracle, but will he? Probably not.

What I wish for myself, for my husband, my daughter, and my other sons, my family, and for all those grieving the loss of someone that they love, is that we could fill our hearts completely with the peace that only the Lord can give. I wish that the pain and suffering experienced from this separation would not exist in our hearts. My wish is pure. My wish is that we could remain in peace knowing that this is all part of the Lord's plan. This is my prayer today and has been for some time now. I know that God isn't finished with me yet, for this is a journey. I know my God understands my ambivalence. After all, He knows and understands my extreme pain. He gave His only son, so that Jeremy and all of us could have eternal life. My prayer is also that my Lord would protect us from seeking our own control and from looking around into the lives of others, and to instead keep our eyes fixed on the cross and on Him.

I am in pain, and most likely always will be, but I do believe in life everlasting through Christ Jesus. This too is a precious gift that I am entrusted to teach my children. I will do my best each and every day of my life to nurture that relationship with Jesus with them until they can make that choice for themselves.

So I will continue to pray and to ask God to guide me and my family through this journey. I may place my daughter's list and this very blog entry in a box and wrap it with a blue and yellow bow. I will give it to her on Christmas Day. She may not understand it now, but I hope she will someday. I pray that it may serve as a lesson and a reminder even for me on the darker and more painful days when I seem to have lost my own way.

Blooming

As you can see we are thoroughly enjoying the "sunshine" growing in our yard. Jeremy's garden is simply beautiful. I love to look out from our window to see the beautiful variety of sunflowers. They vary in size, shape, and color.

I love the little "Peek A Boo" sunflower that reached beyond the fence. It made me laugh a little when I was walking to the woods to retrieve a lost ball.

I too am blooming. This summer I was definitely feeling like I had hit a low point, but I am feeling better and as if I am climbing out of that place a bit.

I also love the outfits that my kids are wearing in the photos. It was nice to wear that outfit and pose in front of our special garden. It was a bit challenging to get that photo since my kids are not feeling well but I think it was good enough...for now.

I am grateful for the harvest of flowers. I am thankful that the deer, squirrels, and rabbits left our seeds and tender plants alone enough that we could enjoy this beautiful garden. I am thankful for the love that was shed on each and every seed as it was planted. I am thankful for the sunshine. It is always there...

With a Grateful Heart,

You Are My Sunshine

It is August. A time for summer. Time to chase fireflies, drink lemonade, swim in the pool, pick vine ripened red tomatoes, eat sweet corn, and count the days left of summer vacation before school officially begins.

The retail market is in a different world. They are preparing for the next season. Even one of my kids questioned why there were Halloween items in the stores already. I found a favorite catalog in the mail and landed on this page.(See the link below- Disclaimer I STILL have not figured out how to link from text. If anyone would be interested in teaching me how, I would be most grateful.) Can you believe it? I've been a Mom for almost eight years now and have never seen anything like it ever before.

Naturally, it sent my mind to places that are painful and dark and to happy places with Jeremy that exist only in my imagination. You see how one little thing can just sweep me back in time...One little wave, one big wave, or even several waves all at once. Time moves forward that is for sure, but the heart just takes longer to catch up.

I am standing at a crossroads in my life unwilling to leave the path where my past life stands. A life with a wonderful husband and four kids here on earth. Photographs make it seem easy to just go back to that place. The images seem so real, and they were real. It's just that now when I look at them, all of my senses come into play, and it becomes confusing to understand the difference between the past and the reality of today's moments. I can smell the many scents of a newborn baby. Among the words of the stories that we have read, I hear the joy in our laughter or the depth of our contentment and love. I see my whole family in one place. I can remember what it actually felt like to have Jeremy in my arms while my other son, seated beside his siblings, twirled my hair and sucked his thumb. Those moments are gone...evaporated...but the how's and why's still remain. With time, I am beginning to grow toward accepting that I will never know the answers to those questions here on earth.

I would like to think that I serve a God that is willing to be patient and understands my ambivalence. I am trying to walk on this new path but also trying to do it on my terms. I feel most safe being able to see my old path, my old life, the life where I was comfortable from where I am standing today.

Life changed in a single moment. I am not comfortable. Growing is painful and a lot of hard work. I pray daily for the strength to continue trusting in God's will for my life and not my own. He is leading me down a very different path, one that I would have never chosen for myself. Day after day, after day, I ask for His grace and mercy to wash over me and help me cope with the events of each day. I ask for this comfort when I discover costumes like this and realize that the little boy who would wear it, doesn't need it after all.

Jeremy,

You don't need a costume to be "My Sunshine". You are a Ray of Sunshine in my life today, tomorrow, and always will be. God is using you to be a Ray of Sunshine in my life, and in the lives of your family, friends, and even so many people that we may have never even personally met. What an honor! You have and continue to serve Him well in my eyes. In my opinion, it is far better to really have such an important purpose in your life and not to just wear a silly costume for a few hours on Halloween.

Keep shining! I love you sweet son of mine.

Love,
Mommy


So as I begin to walk down a path that is farther and farther from where I once stood, I will choose to trust that where I am going will be good...

http://www.chasing-fireflies.com/you-are-my-sunshine/productinfo/26088/

Lazy Days of Summer

It is August. August. This is the first day all summer that we have experienced a day to just stay home and do whatever we want and let the day unfold to be whatever it will become.

Here I sit, still in pajamas with fuzzy teeth and unbrushed hair. We have played games, eaten many snacks that were mostly nutritious, read lots of books, and are now snuggled up on the couch watching a movie.

I have been waiting all summer for a day like this. It feels good.