My Sweet Jeremy,
Well I have been staring at the blank computer screen for awhile now. I don't know how or where to even begin this letter to you. Seriously, I really didn't think any one person could ever cry so many tears.
Jeremy, I have so much love in my heart for you and that is one thing that will never change. Trouble is that I never dreamed of writing these letters to you on my blog and just wishing them too you on Angel's wings. I am especially having trouble writing a birthday letter to you tonight. That is largely in part to the fact that I selfishly want more. I want more of you. I want more time with you, more memories to be had for us all as a complete family, more birthdays, more of it all. I selfishly think that life here on earth would be better if you were here with me.
It is your birthday. If you were here on earth, you would be turning two years old and taking on all the fun that comes with that special age. Actually, I think every age is precious in it's own way. People say that gifts aren't really that important in life, but rather it's really about love that we share with one another. This is a good thing since I am unable to send presents with pretty bows to you. Please accept this letter as a sign of my unwavering love to you on the occasion of your special second birthday.
In truth, I am unsettled today. I am once again fighting the ultimate battle to let go...this isn't what I wanted. This isn't how I wanted to celebrate your life. I wanted to plan a super fun second birthday party for you just like I did for your siblings. I wanted to pick out special gifts certain to make you smile and laugh with pure joy. I wanted to proudly look back and to admire all that you had already overcome and to make wishes for a bright future. None of those will be a reality on your birthday, not this year, and not ever.
What is a grieving mother to do on days like this? I still don't have this journey figured out, not sure if I ever will. I remember with such clarity the months of your pregnancy, the moments leading up to the delivery, and certainly most vividly, the very moment the doctor placed you in my arms. I will never forget that moment and yet here I am and there you are. I am lost trying to figure out how to spend your birthday without you. Lost is actually an understatement. There is a total abandonment of a life that I once knew. There will be no singing. No cake. No presents. No celebrating. No time reflecting on the blessings bestowed upon you. My dreams for you have been shattered. My heart aches for you yet my brain is somehow trying to make sense of it all. I could stay up all night and still not have anything figured out so I will settle it for now with the fact that my love for you is unending and abides with you always, whether you are here or there. I can only hope that every day in heaven is so much more wonderful than all the love, fun, and festivities that we could ever give you here on earth.
So while your birthday brings so much joy to my heart, I also feel such pain facing all that I have lost. I cry for the moments that I wanted to share with you, the dreams that were shattered, and the time spent wondering what you would have been like at two years of age. I just love this age!
Here I am crying instead of eagerly awaiting your special day to arrive. I have been dreading it actually. Time is marching forward, yet your death remains the same. You are still gone from my arms but you must know you will never be gone from my heart. The days that we have been separated have now outnumbered the days that you lived here on this earth. Your sister was so deeply saddened at supper this evening because she realized that you never had the chance to celebrate even a single birthday, not even one.
Sweet son, I am trying with all my might to switch my perspective and to instead focus on the fact that I am in such pain because I had the gift and privilege to be your Mommy. I am a lucky mom. I am hurting so badly because I love you so much. I loved every moment spent with you and wouldn't trade even one second for anything in the world.
Birthdays on earth have lots of traditions. One such tradition involves a special cake and we place the number of candles on the cake to mark the number of years a person has lived. Then the candle is lit, family and friends sing a song "Happy Birthday" and then the person who is celebrating the birthday, makes a wish, and blows out the candle.
Wishes. Sweet son, there's something really special about wishing. I realized it is because when you wish, you are having hope for good things to come. So on your birthday, I am wishing that you are at peace and perfect in every way possible. I am wishing that your heart is happy. I am wishing that our reunion someday will be glorious. I am wishing that you could come for a short visit, even if only to flash me one of your beautiful smiles. I am wishing for strength to continue to find the sunshine even on the darkest days. I am wishing with all my heart and soul that I am successful at the task of honoring your life and the legacy that you left behind. I am wishing that I will make you proud.
Birthday Love, Kisses, and Hugs to you on Angel's Wings,
Mommy
1 comment:
Happy Birthday, sweet Jeremy. I can tell your whole family misses you so much and wishes they could celebrate with you.
There is a saying that says, "Time heals all wounds", yet, I really have found this to not be as true in the loss of such a precious loved one. In facing loss myself, I have struggled with the question, "how do I make it through another day?". Another day of life without that person. Another day of hurting and aching for their presence. You know what God said to me? "Look, my child, at how far you have come. Each day you have lived on earth without that person, is simply another day closer to Glory for you!" He helped me to realize that sometimes we get to a point in our lives when we feel we can't possibly make it through any more suffering. Yet, if we choose to take it one day at a time, check that day off our list of accomplishments, smile at how well we have done, life all of a sudden becomes more bearable.
Sweet Amy, I pray this for you, for your family. As hard as it may seem, I pray that as you complete one more day and get further and further from the last day you had with your precious Jeremy, you will see it as a step closer. Each time you check one more day off your calendar, that is one less day that you have to spend without him. One day and one step closer to our eternal home in heaven. Focus on that prize, sweet fighter. Look heavenward and smile in joy as you see your prize in heaven is to hold your sweet baby in the presence of the Almighty. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. You've heard that before, I know. One leg of the race at a time, one step at a time. You will get there, each day an accomplishment unlike any other you have faced. Some days you will be tredging uphill, some days you may soar down. The important thing to remember is He is there with you the whole way, cheering you on. He tells you, "Let go of the past that is weighing you down. Let it go and look to the finish line." When you do, you will find the very thing you are longing for in the past, is sitting right in front of you and you are now closer today than you were yesterday. Soon you will find your feet swiftly pressing onward, your heart not quite so heavy from the things that were holding you back. He's there, sweet runner, Jeremy is there. Not behind you....but in front of you. Standing with your Savior at the finish line saying, "You're doing great mom! Keep going! I'm waiting for you!!"
What a nice thing to look forward to! Like a long awaited reunion that you want to place on the calendar and strive for. We may not know the very day, but I pray your heart will find a way to have peace in the knowledge of your destiny in Christ. Keep running, dear child. You're doing a fine job!!
Fellow runner,
Julie
Post a Comment