It is me. The transparent me who isn't sugar coating anything tonight. No amount of dragging our feet will keep our hearts free from the pain that this month will bring.
I am working really hard to stay present in the world of today. I am trying NOT to look too far behind me and not too far ahead.
Memories that once were, have begun to have soft edges but still cause gasping pain if I allow myself to think and ponder them for too long. Memories to be created without Jeremy don't seem possible, yet I know they will happen naturally on their own, just as they have for the last two and a half years. I still wish our memories being created today could be with Jeremy too and I long for his presence in each high and low of family life today.
If I may borrow a term from good friends...I think I'd like to wear a sign this month that says EGR, which stands for Extra Grace Required. I think I may need a little extra grace from time to time this month...
The heaviness landed this morning when I awoke. I could feel it coming, swirling, and hovering over my heart. It could best be described as part fear of the unknown pain that we will endure this year on what would have been Jeremy's third birthday. I question what it will feel like this year? I also fear passing one more year without him and letting go a little more of the dreams that we once had for his life. To this day, I am still grateful for a dear friend Julie's reminder that each day that I live on this earth, I am one day closer to a life lived eternal with Jeremy.
The holidays are right behind his birthday and so it is now that I will fight to hold it together and muster up the strength that I will need for later.
I humble myself and petition you all for prayers for our family during this especially difficult month. Please pray that the Lord continues to work through us and within us to bring glory to His name. Please pray that we can keep our hearts open to the comfort of our Lord and also from family, friends, and prayer warriors. We pray that our hearts can remain open and softened by this love and compassion shown to us all. We pray that we are able to endure the fight and are able to resist the temptation to become bitter and angry. I especially pray that as Jeremy's birthday approaches we feel more of the soft and gentle memories, that we can see the ebb tide of the ways that God used Jeremy's life here on earth for the greater good, and that the sharp hurt continues to subside. In His name we pray. Amen
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My sweet warrior friend,
It has been so soo long since i have written but you are not far from my thoughts. So much has changed in my life but I am reminding myself as you are that each day is one more day closer to eternity! I have struggled in my faith....say a prayer for me if you will that I will return to a heart that has passion for the Lord. I know it's there..it's as small as a mustard seed right now. But it's still there. In the past year I went through the worst depression I have ever faced, gone through a divorce, and lost my home to foreclosure. Through all of that, my heart has been aching to understand why things happen the way they do. Every time I wonder that, sweet one, I think of you. I am forced to stop having my pity party and remembering to constantly be grateful for what I do have. I DO have two beautiful children as a result of that marriage that failed. I DO have a beautiful apartment to live in and call my home even after losing my house. I DO have a great job that helps me respect myself a little more every day as I work with children with severe autism with some of the most challenging behaviors I've ever seen. Above all else, I DO have faith as small as a mustard seed that is keeping me on the path God wants me to be on. He brings me back to your blog continuously to help bring me back to the place of being on my knees and trusting Him for all that I need. I thank you once again for being the witness that you are to so many people without your even knowing it! I pray for you as you near Jeremy's birthday and the holidays that are often so hard for you. May you find joy in the simple moments, peace in the Glory of the Lamb, and rest in His arms! Thank you in advance for praying for me! It means the world!
In Him,
Julie
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